Any Suggestions? Dangerously going downhill with addiction

[Groundhog]

I am seriously concerned of the toll that heavy drug use is having on my health, I've used almost everything out there I could get hold of for the past 15yrs. Some things I have used only a few times but most of them I have heavily abused.

I have beaten some of the addictions for a brief period a few times, but have always allowed myself to get sucked back in eventually.

I am a poly drug user and have used drugs recreationally and as a self medication for depression and to function in everyday life, to wake up, get through the day, to help my appetite and to get to sleep.
I have had a unhealthy interest or obsession with drugs and their chemistry and effects for most of my life and apart from the reasons I have mentioned that I have used them for I have been on a mission to experience as many as I can and to push the boundaries to dangerous levels. I am lucky to still be alive with how recklessly I have abused them.

I am done with this mission now, it has gone far, far enough, I've seen as much as there is to see and caused too much damage to myself to continue with it any further. I know that my body will not be able to tolerate much more than it already has amazingly coped with after what I have done to it, I don't deserve to have survived with the disrespect I have treated it with.

I'm heavily addicted to stimulants at the moment, both physically and mentally and I am rapidly losing any control over it, I barely sleep and am losing interest in eating and inevitably losing weight by the day. I am putting my body through more than it is capable of and although I know the damage I'm causing I can't stop, it is getting worse day by day and I feel like I'm slowly dying, which I probably will do if I don't stop soon.

I've been to a couple of CA meetings but I missed one last night because I was too fucked to go there, but I need something more immediate to stop this before it becomes the end of me. I can't afford a private rehab and have been reluctant to see a doctor, thinking that I can overcome it myself but it's just getting far to out of control.

Does anyone have any advice from their own experience? I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[stardust.hero]

Have you looked into and would you be willing to try a state funded rehab? Sometimes even semi private rehabs get grants to support uninsured patients. Have you tried calling around to the local rehabs? I think that would be my first option if I was looking to get clean. I support rehab programs. They are really great in helping people with real drug problems. They help you learn strict scheduling, they help you learn to surrender to yourself and accept the program. They give you so many lessons that you can use in combating yourself and the drugs in the real world.

 

[Groundhog]

Hi thanks for replying. I have looked up rehab online and most were private with a large fee. I'm in the UK but I haven't looked into what the NHS offer because I have been avoiding the doctors who would have to give a referral. The only thing I tried was Cocaine Anonymous which covers all addictions, but I've only been twice so I haven't got a full understanding of the programme to gain any benefit yet.
I have hoped the CA meetings and programme would teach what you have described about rehab but it's not isolation from your addictions and detox which is what I may need. I want to beat it without rehab but that might be the only option.

 

[herbavore]

Groundhog, you sound so much like my son! He had the same fascination you speak of (and the brain to do the research!) and the same combination of self medicating and desire for adventure and pushing the envelope. He considered himself a poly drug addict as well and in the end got addicted to MDVP. I am so glad to hear that you have decided that enough is enough. I know that you want to beat it without rehab but maybe that would be a good way to start, then meetings to support you afterwards. What makes you avoid the doctors that refer you for rehab?

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you know that I applaud your courage and wish you the best. In the end it will be more than quitting drugs--it will be a matter of learning how to live with your own nature and personality and spirit and that is the ultimate freedom.

 

[stardust.hero]

Goodluck with whatever you choose. I hope you can find a program that offers you a nice chunk of time (28+ days) and is affordable or funded for you. You have taken the first step in deciding that being clean is what you want. That is a hard one to finally come to and accept.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Can anyone else in the U.K point this gent in the right direction?
Any numbers you can call?
Any free rehabs anyone know of,
that sort of thing....

 

[Groundhog]

Groundhog, you sound so much like my son! He had the same fascination you speak of (and the brain to do the research!) and the same combination of self medicating and desire for adventure and pushing the envelope. He considered himself a poly drug addict as well and in the end got addicted to MDVP. I am so glad to hear that you have decided that enough is enough. I know that you want to beat it without rehab but maybe that would be a good way to start, then meetings to support you afterwards. What makes you avoid the doctors that refer you for rehab?

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you know that I applaud your courage and wish you the best. In the end it will be more than quitting drugs--it will be a matter of learning how to live with your own nature and personality and spirit and that is the ultimate freedom.

Hi Herbavore, just wanted to say how sorry I felt when I read that you lost your son, and how amazingly positive and strong you are to have coped with such a loss. I feel an incredible warmth from you and the support you give to everyone on here. You are an inspiring example of how it can be possible to overcome lifes difficulties. I've been down the same road with MDPV, that is one vicious substance to get into and I'm glad that I have seen the back of it.

I have always avoided the doctors apart from an unsuccessful attempt to O.D, because I'm afraid to let them know the full truth, I think they would faint in shock if I told them. I don't feel that they would understand and afraid to divuldge such personal information.

One doctor restricted a prescription for Zopiclone and Temazepam after my O.D attempt, which was understandable, but I have a high tolerance so when I told him the dose (10mg I think) didn't have any effect so I doubled it, maybe even tripled it, which still wasn't effective, he went mad and told me he couldn't understand how I couldn't feel any effect from a dose that should typically knock someone out. (Bearing in mind that I had survived an O.D of 120 Diazepam only a few days previous, obviously with no doubt I was able to from the amazing people that saved me in hospital)

He then angrily told me there was nothing more he could do for me and to go to a mental health team. Which I didn't do as I had enough of the lack of understanding and judgemental opinions I had experienced. I don't trust them or their advice when their knowledge is based on just training and education without also having the experience to even begin to understand what I do. To be honest I'm scared of them and what they might do which they believe to be in the best interest.

Thanks for your kind comments and support as always

The same also to the other members who have replied to my thread, thanks to you all

 

[herbavore]

I can definitely sympathize with your view of doctors and their judgmental thinking coloring how they treat you. I am in a completely different system over here in the States but I know that finding a doctor (or psychologist or psychiatrist) that you trust is difficult and can seem impossible. I have finally found a doctor that asks questions, listens with respect and considers new information with an open mind. I feel like I won the lottery!

The thing is, the medical community is made up of people and just like every other group of people they develop a common culture but they are also individuals. Talking to another Bluelighter from England who has had the most atrocious treatment (or lack thereof) from a supposed mental health team dissilusioned me to say the least. But then I have spoken to others that have received excellent services. The bottom line is that we are consumers of these services and we deserve respect and when we seek them. I respect that doctors have medical knowledge about my body that I do not have and that mental health professionals have techniques and tools to teach me that may benefit me; but it is important to me that these professionals respect my knowledge about my own body and mind and that is what is often lacking.

I hope that you will meet some truly compassionate and intelligent people in your quest for sobriety, whether through out-patient services or a rehab. They do exist even if they are sometimes obscured behind a mass of jaded and small minded colleagues. (Who me? Cynical?)

On another note, did you go to the meeting? How did that go? And how is it going in general?

 

[Toscas]

Hi Groundhog, it sounds like you're at the end of the rope. I know meditation sounds like some flakey new age waffle, but actually, if you google around and get your questions answered, you will find meditation is "exactly" right for someone like you. The reason I say that is because what we are talking about is a physical addiction that a mind (your mind) is now rejecting.

And also don't mistake meditation for some religious mumbo jumbo. All meditation is...is focusing on one thing for 20 minutes a day, and training your mind (which can be described as a wild horse) to settle down, while you concentrate on a single thought. (Usually its just observing your own breathing) but it can be anything, saying a mantra or whatever, the point of meditation is to concentrate your consciousness, by returning your distracting thoughts back to the one thought. This practice of returning your distracting thoughts back to the one thought is what gives you personal power. (Over time of course) Around a month you will notice personal power.

Meditation has often been over promoted as something that its not. You wont find enlightenment...you wont see mystical inner lights or meet god. What you will, however do, is create a quiet inner place, that is your breathing in and out, that becomes like an anchor to distracting thoughts. This can and will actualize your personality and give you personal empowerment, where distracting thoughts cease to bother you and therefore, you will not need to escape from them with the drugs. Its too simple man.

 

[Groundhog]

Its good to know you sympathise with how I feel, most people who know of my situation get frustrated at my refusal to seek help and confide in my doctor and constantly keep advising that it is the only answer. I know they mean well and I appreciate the fact that they are concerned about me which I feel blessed that they do.

I haven't come across a medical professional that I feel has the level of trust and understanding to confide in. I know they must exist somewhere as you have found and i'm pleased for you that you have found the one you have been searching for.

I also respect their knowledge of the body and mind on a medical and scientific level that I don't have but I find that they are not open to what we personally know about ourselves and resist or refuse any ideas or suggestions we make, under the illusion that their knowledge is above any questioning or suggestion.

In a previous post, I said how their only answer to my depressive issues was to prescribe more and more antidepressants when all of the previous ones had no benefit whatsoever and I had refused to use anymore due to the side effects with no beneficial effect. They actually insisted in quite a forceful manner that I should be on them when a job I was in requested a medical report because I had time off because of the stress the job and colleauges were putting me under, and the report was from a doctor who had never even seen or spoken to me, purely written from my medical notes, and I had stopped using antidepressants for quite a few years before this report. I was so angry at their "Professional" reccomendation and how innacurate the information was. Aaargh!

I made it to two meetings, missed one on thursday due to the state I was in from a 2 day constant binge with no food or sleep, but the ones I have been to have been good in the way of finding a place where I can be understood and belong to although, I still feel a bit of an outsider in the way most people there know each other very well and as much as people have approached me and have tried to give some support it has been a bit inconsistent.

I don't have a lot of confidence and feel hurt if they haven't responded when I have contacted for support.
I also know nothing about the programme apart from people speaking about it during the meeting and I feel that they aren't doing enough to include and teach this to newcomers.
I'ts bloody hard to walk into a group of strangers and sit there for an hour listening and then speak in the breif period they set aside for newcomers towards the end of the meeting.

That said, I have met some really good people and they have been generous with offering transport and I am pleased to have found it, I just need to get to more meetings its early days yet and I do believe it will help. I allow myself to feel hurt and turn away from people because I worry too much about what they might think of me, but that shouldn't matter really, I should only be bothered how the God that I believe in sees me.

Things are up and down with me at the moment, hence this thread I made. I am trying to cling on to some hope, but it's getting a bit much now and I'm running out of ideas and control and getting weaker to deal with it. I'm ok at the moment, replying to some of the threads here has kept me going a bit and focusing on what others need help with has distracted from myself which is good for learning to be more selfless in my life.

Thanks for asking how I am, love to you and all of TDS'ers

Hi Groundhog, it sounds like you're at the end of the rope. I know meditation sounds like some flakey new age waffle, but actually, if you google around and get your questions answered, you will find meditation is "exactly" right for someone like you. The reason I say that is because what we are talking about is a physical addiction that a mind (your mind) is now rejecting.

Hi mate, Thanks, yeah i'm getting to the end of the rope, I just wonder how long the rope is and how far down it can go. Thanks for your suggestions, I'm starting to open up to alternative ways that I didn't have much faith in before, but i've seen that a lot of stuff has worked for others here so it's obviously beneficial and worth trying.

 

[PeacePipeChief]

i was basically the same boat , was withering away and dying , what ended was a golden staph throat infection that was a day from killing me , alot of addicts report having to have a near death or life changing experience to make them stop , i continued to use like many after a brief period of sobriety , but in the sober time i had formed a plan to remove myself from the scene and move states , which i have and it is working really well .

 

[herbavore]

Hey, groundhog, just checking in to see how you are doing. I hope that things are getting easier/more comfortable at the meetings. Hang in there.

 

[Groundhog]

i was basically the same boat , was withering away and dying , what ended was a golden staph throat infection that was a day from killing me , alot of addicts report having to have a near death or life changing experience to make them stop , i continued to use like many after a brief period of sobriety , but in the sober time i had formed a plan to remove myself from the scene and move states , which i have and it is working really well .

Hi Mate. Yeah that is exactly what I have been fearing. Getting seriously ill or near death being the thing that stops me.
I am thankful and blessed that it hasn't come to that yet.........

Hey, groundhog, just checking in to see how you are doing. I hope that things are getting easier/more comfortable at the meetings. Hang in there.

Hi Herbavore, good to hear from you, thanks for checking in
There was a meeting tonight but I didn't go. I got up really late and I've felt a bit pissed off with them so I left it today.
There's another on Thursday so I'm aiming for that.

On a positive note, instead of the meeting, I have written out a schedule/routine for eating, one for dosage amounts and times, and also a schedule for a typical "normal" daily routine.

I've also listed the aims, goals and ambitions that I want to work towards, and a list for "What am I aiming to do today?"

So i've got something to have some organisation and get some discipline and control of myself. Wether I stick to it properly, I can't say for sure yet, but at least I've got something in place to define some sort of organisation, instead of letting each day rolling into the next without direction. Which is what has been a big part of losing control, I want to get a grip of myself and excercise the control I know I have in there somewhere!

I'm afraid of not having enough faith in myself to stick to the rules I have laid down for myself but I can at least try. One way or another I'm going to have to be able to win, so I'll just have to keep on until I do. I hope I don't let myself (and others) down

Hope all is well with you, thanks again and to all TDS'ers

 

[killers]

Hello groundhog. I am totally new to this all but figured i would like to aim some information on your thread as well. Good luck to you. I hope all is well just keep yourself motivated to keep doing what you want. I have went to meetings before, and they bothered me very much cause of seeing certain people i have used with and whatnot. But I must say i haven't been to a meeting in over a year now....and I am wishing I would of just kept with it cause I probably wouldn't be where I am at if I would of. I thought I could keep myself from using by myself. But I am being to think that what most people say about meetings even if you can make one even once a week....you feel better about yourself. Because you are NOT the only one hoping to kick this thing. Good Luck to you and thanks for sharing your feelings. Keep up the good work. (hopefully I am not too out of line, cause to be honest I haven't read all of the forums before I posted this...so my apologize if i offended someone. I just want to help people...and myself in the process.)

 

[Groundhog]

Hello groundhog. I am totally new to this all but figured i would like to aim some information on your thread as well. Good luck to you. I hope all is well just keep yourself motivated to keep doing what you want. I have went to meetings before, and they bothered me very much cause of seeing certain people i have used with and whatnot. But I must say i haven't been to a meeting in over a year now....and I am wishing I would of just kept with it cause I probably wouldn't be where I am at if I would of. I thought I could keep myself from using by myself. But I am being to think that what most people say about meetings even if you can make one even once a week....you feel better about yourself. Because you are NOT the only one hoping to kick this thing. Good Luck to you and thanks for sharing your feelings. Keep up the good work. (hopefully I am not too out of line, cause to be honest I haven't read all of the forums before I posted this...so my apologize if i offended someone. I just want to help people...and myself in the process.)

Hi mate, Appreciate your contribution to this thread, and thanks for the encouragement.

The thing that bothered me about these meetings is the lack of explanation or organisation to the people who are new to it.
A lot of people have approached me at the end of the meetings to swap phone numbers and give a bit of advice and have also given me a lift home. I have just felt a bit disappointed because of the inconsitency of support which is what it's mostly about, apart from the 12 steps which hasn't been explained in full detail either.

I've had some of them contact me which I appreciated but I've also had no reply from some when I have contacted them and also when I've replied back to them. Nothing. I don't expect them to be at my beck and call, not at all, but why msg me and then not reply when I answer? Or approach me and ask for my number and tell me to contact them whenever I need to and then not respond? I'm not one to harrass people with calls and msgs all the time, quite the opposite, I have only tried to contact or reply if they have contacted me first.

I was really glad that I found others the same as me and understood the same things and that there are people who have got through a lot worse than me. I haven't given up on it yet, just got a bit dissapointed, so I'll try to go on Thursday.

What meetings did you go to? Why not go back if you think you need to?
Where are you at with things now since you stopped?

Don't worry you haven't been offensive or out of line at all, I really appreciate the kind, encouraging comments you made and wanting to help, thanks.

Welcome to The Dark Side!

So i've got something to have some organisation and get some discipline and control of myself. Wether I stick to it properly, I can't say for sure yet,

Having trouble with this already! Should of been trying to get some sleep hours ago, yet again another Groundhog day I fear!

 

[killers]

Thanks for the welcoming. I am really starting to enjoy this bluelighter thing i just started today. As for meeting...I attended NA. And I totally felt the same way as you. I had exchanged numbers, and whatnot. And I TOTALLY understand that you dont expect people to be at your beck and call...but really this is why you go to meetings for that emotional and mental support, and when you return calls to someone or try to call them and they dont answer or call back you don't want to keep harrassing them. I feel you on that. I didn't get myself a sponser till about 2 months into going to meetings....and someone i thought should of came up to me and offered some guidance. But no one did. And another thing that upset me was that when I tryed to call my sponser i always felt like i was bothering her....even though she told me to call her whenever....its like she worked 3rd shift 11-7 and i work 7-3...so i guess what im trying to say is half the time when i would call her she would never answer cause she was sleeping. But then when i would meet her at the meetings she would say how she spent the night at her guy friends house after work and whatnot. But i guess you have this everywhere no matter where you go. And I want to go back....but i feel like they are gonna treat me differently cause i was dedicated to NA for a full year...making about 5 meetings a week. and i think they might not take me back into there circle right away its gonnna take more time yet again to gain that feeling i once had with them before i quit going. And as for updates on this now since I haven't been attending them...well Not so good...at all. So im kinda feeling like you are with meetings just kinda in a different way i guess. Maybe we can both help each other out and motivate each other to do what we need to in order to get our lives back.

 

[Groundhog]

Yeah you will find Bluelight to be a very good place, for information, support and advice, like I did,.

I'm glad I came across TDS its a very special place with a lot of supporting and loving people who understand people's difficulties
.
So you been to the same type of meetings I have CA/NA, same ethics and set up. That's the thing, I had quite a lot of people approach me and ask for my number, which I'm usually very reluctant to do, but did anyway and they made a bug thing of making contact, which I didn't do unless they did first, and you know the rest...

Some know how bad my situation is and offered help and support, but then I don't hear back. I don't try again if they don't reply, I'm not the type to bug someone although they insist that you call whenever you want.

If these people are insisting to have this responsibility to help such as what you said about your sponsor then they should be serious about it, obviously they have their own lives, fully understandable. I want to use my experience to help others and do the same thing when I'm clean but I want to be dedicated to it.

Aside from those things ive felt at the moment, I know that they aren't the sort of people to reject you from their group if you want to go back, I doub't they treat you any different from before, ive heard people speak there of coming and going for years, so I wouldn't let that stop you if you need it.

Yeah I agree we gotta get our lives back, and we fucking damn will do!

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Groundhog, from the NA literature...'we didn't become addicted in a day so give yourself a break and take it easy'.

The steps are something to be worked on privately with your sponsor when you get one. Ive been going for 3 and a half months now and I haven't found a sponsor yet. Keep going back to meetings and keep making friends with the people that are recurring. 'listen for the similarities, not the differences', there are people in those rooms that have been through it and come out the other side that you/i can learn from. Where you based?

Make an effort to hang around at the end of the meeting and chat to people. Start getting honest and sharing, it will be like a weight of your shoulders.

 

[Groundhog]

Groundhog, from the NA literature...'we didn't become addicted in a day so give yourself a break and take it easy'.

The steps are something to be worked on privately with your sponsor when you get one. Ive been going for 3 and a half months now and I haven't found a sponsor yet. Keep going back to meetings and keep making friends with the people that are recurring. 'listen for the similarities, not the differences', there are people in those rooms that have been through it and come out the other side that you/i can learn from. Where you based?

Make an effort to hang around at the end of the meeting and chat to people. Start getting honest and sharing, it will be like a weight of your shoulders.

Hi mate, thanks for replying, I don't mean to put N/A in a bad light, I saw some really good hope in it, still do, just got a bit down.
I.m in the U.K, based closest to london. Not in London but that is as far as I feel comfortable to reveal on here.

I've had many chats with people who approached me after the meet and one of them had offered support and was helpful and said he'd spend a day explainiing the steps and contacted but nothing since. I've tried to get involved and give them some effort with the washing up and packing away, which they appreciated.

I haven't give up, i'll go back, its just so many people in the past have been a complete let down in terms of friends and this just made me feel the same when I thought it would be different this time. I know I've got to give it a bit more of a chance and some time.