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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Sad Thread (Anti-Snoo)

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^^^

Come on Cherry, that post will lead people to think you are considering a certain means of employ, lets not beat around the proverbial shrubbery here.

If that's the case them clearly no one would wan you to be doing that of not you've just ruined my nights sleep with your cagey postage, lucky for you I my sleep is shite anyhow ;)
 
Ack, I'd never consider it. ....................???

It's just , I've a feeling that most users who know me from the scene, assume that i;m doing that. As just the other week, I was talking to one guy , and he said 'have you stopped, you know , working that way now then' as he noticed my money had come from a different way, which I won't go into. I said, i'd never worked that way to start with! Rumors are rife on the scene. There was another time, someone said to me 'You're looking well, you've stopped the game then have you?'

When I first signed up with our local drugs project, and we worked out how much I was spending a week, they said their main concern was that I would end up on the game as funding it would eventually become difficult. They said and I quote 'An attractive girl like you, you'd do well' I've always said, no matter how desperate, or sick I am, i'd never do that. I'm good at what I do to make my money without selling myself, I just got alarmed at the fact i'd been asked if i'd like to go home with someone twice in one evening. The first was quite innocent, he was pissed, was just trying to pull me. The second though, knew all too well that I was an addict, and exactly how he thought he could use me to his gain. He offered me one of each, fuck that!

I could have really done with someone to talk to about this tonight, as I'm actually scared for myself. I've been off the rails for a few weeks now, but I've felt so so so very alone, as I didn't open up to any of my friends about it. One of my friends refuses to belive that I have a habit, insists that if he dont get WD's , then I can't.He uses about a bag every couple of weeks! I'm slowly creeping back up to a gramme a day!

One friend barged in my door like some sort of bailiff, pushed past me and started demanding a tenner back, then kept calling me a smackhead, saying I had no friends left, he was the last t give a fuck. Really lovely things to say to a 'friend'. I wen't over that night, half accidental, half I didn't give a fuck if I woke up. It wasn't just his fault, but it acted like a catalyst, I can't take much more.

I know i've hurt some of my friends, but it's never been intentional. They all seem to think I can stop whenever I want, just like that. Unfortunately, I have ended up with what I siad I would never let happen, a double habit. My meth is not holding me, and I do not want to kieep upping it and upping it so that it's just harder to climb back down, I'm already up o 60, after managing to get down from 60 to 40 in just a few weeks.

I feel so lost and scared, i'm actually terrified of what i'm capable of. I've already had to deal with the crisis team this week. It's not the suicidal thoughts i'm scared of right now though.
 
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cherry i think i know waht you've been thinking, if it it all possible watch the first 10 miuns of season 5 episode 2 of the wire and get it out of your head.

also if you still can (i assume you are still in brizzle) go back up north to take up the offer you got months ago and stop putting yourself through so much pain <3 <3
 
Mugz said:
also if you still can (i assume you are still in brizzle) go back up north to take up the offer you got months ago and stop putting yourself through so much pain <3 <3
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Oh, I wish it was as easy as I make it look when I type things out. Moving back up north, means giving up a flat which is mine, I've lived alone or with a boyfriend for years now so moving back in with my father is too much of a step back. Even though, I have told everything to, even down to my injecting, and amount of usage, and he's taken it well, and worries about me. Still though, he seems to think that just after a month of being home I'll be fixed, and he'll then go back to his usual way of shouting at me like I'm still the girl I was before I left years ago (He has trouble to see that I've changed when he's pissed or stoned, and still treats me like I've not) The thought of taking steps backwards, nightmare.

I do want to move back up North, but it will be when I'm ready. I can't just pack up and go back up there. I've things to tie up here first. Friends, money, a flat full of furniture, debt on the flat and bills, and sentimental things that I can't leave behind, with no way of transporting them.

At the moment, moving back home seems to be just more pain, as I'd have to go up there with a double habit if I went now, and that just cannot happen.
 
sometimes it just as easy as you type sometimes. no offence intended but that last post just read to me as a list of rationalisations. I am familiar with self rationalisation in a big way so it's easy to spot.

Whatever you do decide to do we will always love you, you're a great girl and it pains a lot of people to see you suffering, take care cherry <3 and remember if you brush the rationalisations aside it is just as easy to stay as it is to go.
 
^ It's not renationalisations It's the fact, im 32, and the way me and my dad are now is a result of me running away from him when I was in my early 20's when he was drinking too much and not able to be a dad to me or my sister, and I couldn't handle taking care of the pair of them. Now he sees me as either a girl who never grew up, and treats me like shit, or if we've been away for a while we get along. I'm not going back to that.
 
gotta be better than considering what you are now, even though you say you never will, all addicts that make lists of the things they will never do are really just making alist of what they will do after rationalising it. I'm not meaning to have a go, just care and am worried
 
Good for you Cherry you do have to go your own way and live with the consequences as they are brought about by your own decisions and not anyone else's. I'm glad you didn't take my message as insulting, its just a fairly obvious route to cash especially for a female, but one that makes me sick to my stomach if I'm honest, I used to live in the red light area of Luton and it wasn't nice at all seeing 15 year olds on the street, big black Mercs pull up hand over drugs and the girls handing over probably most if not all of the cash. It's a bad scene I'm sure you know that better than me.

But you've got to do something to break out of this spiral into the blackness, is moving up north back to your dad's really your long term goal, there seems to be such a list of things to do before you make the move and it doesn't sound like they are ever really going top happen the way things are going. I accept that the may well be valid reasons and this may well not be the answer, so whats next you can't keep going on the way you are you using more and more W & B and its going to get harder and harder to support that habit however you earn your money, I doubt what you do is legal (sorry if I'm wrong but clearly I wouldn't ask and wouldn't expect answer so I'm making assumptions) or at least it won't be as you need more and more cash.

So you've got to make a plan soon or I fear it will all be too late, if that means packing up a few important belongings and getting on a coach to your dad's then do it, the stuff is just stuff debt, well you'll alway be in debt if your using anyway. and material things aren't as important as your life. Loose ends can stay loose, there loose now and the world is still spinning.

From the outside it just feels like you flat and all that goes with living where you do is so heavily linked to your current way of life that you'll never break free of all that unless you make a big change, a really big one.Maybe that not moving to your dad's place how the fek would I know ? only you know of thats the right thing to do.

What I do know is that what you doing now isn't working for you in a big way, so the only thing to do is change in a big way or just accept that this is how your life is going to be, but I sense that it isn't making you happy and never will.

In the end it's all down to what you do Mugz is right you can just get up today and walk away, I know you say you can't and we don't know the full ins and outs of you situation but if you can walk into town you can walk to the bus stop / coach stop/ train station and just leave, how much worse can it really get ?

All the best to you
 
Addicts call it doing the Geographic's & tbh no matter where you go your still going to have the habbit it doesn't just go away as soon as you move.
I can understand how maybe being with family can help it times of desperation but the drugs are still going to be every where.

Fuk i've left the country in the past with all the detox meds N best intentions & within 1 day i've already found the local crack/smack spot it is everywhere.
Granted i know where Cherry lives in fact i know it pretty well and it is a well known area for drugs so that makes things tough.
Still though i live in a so they say (nice ) place but by 9am i;ll be on the phone and by 10 i'll be smoking a bag i don't even have a physicall habit with gear its like a natural reflex when i get money .
Then i think i'll get on the Bus & go and see Cherry cos we arranged it & Blers are notoriously shit at keeping meetings let alone the dope fiends .......
 
^ Reading that atm, just made me cry, I coudln't have summed up how my life is at the moment any better if i'd written it myself.

I'm exhausted just now, but will attmept a reply in the morning, though there's nothing really I can say , other than i'll take steps to do the things you suggest, as I'd already thought of them myself, it's just been a case of writing them all down in one place and putting them into an order of where to start first.

Thank you <3

And yeah Brimz, where I live is rife for it, I get offered it when I walk to my shop If I walk past a dealer on the way.
 
No need to answer me, just offering an ill informed but objective view, I hope it helps in some way, that would add a sprinkle of happiness to my life which is a rare thing believe me.

And I'm sorry if I made you cry, it was not my intention to make you feel worse, I'm not judging you in any way I have no right to do so, my life may look more ordered than yours just now but there's plenty of my own self induced shit in it as well.
 
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its that f##kingjobcenteron my case twated my head i ainrt ready just want to be recked
TheSpade said:
I thought I was quitting my job at the end of this week, was nearly not going in this morning, but looks like I'll be working it for the next 6 months now. Wish I'd paid attention in the past week during training because I've really not got a fucking clue. :|
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THIS is my first time on a forum want to know wha good experances people have had recentley in uk or europe in the past few days please reply i really got issues at the momrent
 
^ <3

I've been hiding away, sorry guys..

Sad day today. Dave I fucking miss you, you bastard. Come back pls :(
 
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