Fucked up - Big time

[Stato]

I fucked up big time, a big fight with my gf turned into me eating somewhere between 50-150mg valium and 30-40mg xanax as well as going for the bottle, this was roughly a month and a bit ago.... I said goodbyes, got to ER thanks to a friend who called an ambulance after being concerned about me.

Pulling through this, the next morning I walked out of hospital (well, stumbled..... apparently I kept pulling the drip out of my arm all night) Blood Alcohol was .170 or so I remember (patchy memories!) hearing.

Fast forward that next day, I got home... slept, woke up a day later way late for work..... apparently called all these people on that morning (2 days later) which I don't remember doing...... and hopped in my car, crashed it, allegedly assaulted police with a knife and stole a police car crashing that several times, spent a month in jail.... just got out on house arrest..

Only now do I find out there is a history of bipolar in my family, and I fit the symptoms to a T.

Not really sure what to do here, looks like I fucked my life up. Stupid hospital shouldn't have discharged a clearly well intoxicated patient the next day especially considering the long half life of valium.

Still many thoughts of suicide, thoughts of the methods...... all that.

Doctors appointment soon, looking to get prescribed valium or xanax in the mean time due to anxiety - Having major troubles sleeping as there's a lot more going on in my life than I am able to mention here.... Obviously I am drug tested and breath tested regularly.

This all occurs after I've been seeking help for months to no avail. I can't help but feel the health system has failed me.

end rant, excuse the grammar but I really don't give a fuck. Looks like I'm 100,000+ in damages, 30,000 in lawyer fees and have lost my job and losing the will to live at the same time too. Daily thoughts of suicide............ I'm just too pussy to go through it again.

And fuck those people that say "but it will hurt your family/friends, what about their pain - You're selfish for wanting the easy way out" - FUCK YOU indeed. Just lay a little more guilt on an already suicidal person why don't you. CUNTS

 

[villian]

Sorry you are going through so much shit man.

I can relate alot with what you are saying. I have woken up in jail more than once not remembering why the fuck I was in there in the first place because I did some stupid shit while blacked out on benzos. I am also diagnosed bipolar. One thing I learned through my trials and tribulations was benzos cause more problems then they are worth, especially for people with bi-polar. You are much more prone to high-dose abuse and all the episodes that come with it. I have dealt with insomnia for 10 years and I know how bad it sucks not being able to sleep.

My advice would be to talk to a psychiatrist but be completely honest with them about everything. You probably do need medication but that medication likely isn't benzos. I really can't stress this point enough although you probably don't want to hear it.

The last time this happened to me (11/2010) I also lost my job because I crashed my car in a DUI. I know what it is like to be at this bottom, but it really can get better -- I promise. Just keep on fighting the good fight and try to stay positive about things. Exercise daily. How long until your doctors appointment? Is it a psychiatrist?

 

[ihatepipes]

I have bi-polar disorder too and used to self medicate (xanax and valium mixed with booze and pot=dirt cheap super fucked up)and got into all sorts of trouble because of it. It was not the end of the world for me and it is not the end of the world for you. What you need to do is actively pursue treatment before you go to court and procure the best lawyer you can afford. The bi-polar disorder history in your family and the fact that you were undiagnosed (You will most likely be diagnosed with something if you seek an evaluation/treatment now) are mitigating factors that the judge took into account in my cases (as in multiple different offenses at different times) I even got referred to probation and treatment before simply because my lawyer argued during mitigation that I have a hard time following my medication schedule and was off my meds at the time of the offense.

The bottom line is you can make it through this. You have not killed anybody. If this is your first offenses that is another thing in your favor, but if not you may even still have a chance at time on the shelf and probation. Stay strong and don't give up.

 

[flyonth3wall]

Wow... That is a pretty fucked up situation to be in.. Sorry to read this dude. I know nothing I say can make things any better, so I'm not even gonna try and 'comfort' you, cos it obviously won't work.. I hope your psych appointment is soon so that you can be evaluated and get on the right medication to help your mental illness - I agree with the poster that said it probably won't be benzo's that will be prescribed to you - unfortunately you have already shown that you can take more than needed, and even with anxiety I really think that they will try different ways of trying to relieve your anxiety. Obviously this is all speculation, and I hope for your sake that you find treatment that works for you. I also hope you manage to resolve your legal issues. Good luck man.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

good luck with that mate...Fuck youve had a bad run...Im sorry about that....I wish you the best dude, and i hope you get the help you need from a system thats already failed you..(me too)...

 

[Alex000]

The only thing I can say is make the best out of your situation, no matter how bad you may perceive it. All of this I am certain is very hard, I cannot imagine such a situation, but I have gone through some pretty shitty things in my life, most of which I am uncertain as to how I handled. But, I know how to handle the shit life throws at me now. I embrace, I deal with, I make the best of it. Just look at these bad times as a way so that you might value life more when this all ends, and it will end, it will pass. Everything passes, nothing is forever. If you cannot bear it as it is, try to ignore it while still dealing with it. What I am saying is do not worry over things out of your hands, simply do the best you can. I wish you all the best.

-Alex

 

[Stato]

I didn't kill anyone, unfortunately the doctors appointment is not for a psych..... But I will be seeking emergency treatment, will not mention bipolar and yes it is my first offense I've never had so much as a speeding fine.

The cunts came and search warranted my house too, because they found an array of drugs on me, not that they found (or would have!) anything of interest. Should just be a possession charge, I think they think I'm some big drug dealer... Or maybe they're pissed because I wrote off their car. Most of what they seized was prescribed to me...

Does anyone know if it's possible to have ADHD and Bipolar disorder? There is only one person who understands my thought pattern and he is a good friend of mine who is diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar, everyone else just tells me I need to "think about what I do, before I do it" which is aggravating.

To make things worse I'm living with my father and his gf, she had a car accident and is majorly bipolar - taking lithium and a whole array of drugs, my whole situation is fucked because I've basically been kicked out of my house where all my belongings are..... lost my car, girlfriend, possibly job. The guilt of the pain I've caused in my whole family is almost unbearable. I'm sitting here wishing I had relief but with no clue what to do, she calls me a criminal, asks questions like "so what age did you start popping pills" without even thinking how it makes me feel. A 3 story drop is looking better each day.

 

[Stato]

At least in jail I learnt how to sharpen down your toothbrush to stab someone with it.

Or fill a mop bucket with boiling water, teabags and sugar to pour over someone.

I shared a cell with a murderer/drug dealer who had done 10 years and was facing another 10... Learnt some shit from that bloke, he was actually a good guy.

The next unit was run by lebanese gangs, Let's just say I didn't get on well.... But I'm a big guy... so fuck them, people look at you differently when you make it pretty clear you don't give a fuck, throws them off guard.

Sorry... Can't say I'm here to seek help, I am housebound so what better to do than type how I feel.... I have another 2 months of this. at least.

 

[MrFister]

Sounds like a really shitty run man, and few people can properly say they've been through the same thing. i can't even begin to imagine how that must feel. Hang in there, tough it out, I know it sucks right now but everything will sort itself out soon. What seems like huge shit right now won't even matter in a year or two. Forget about the money too, its worthless. What matters most is you're here breathing, and thinking. Don't take the easy way out. You can either have a quick ham sandwich or make yourself a 5 course gourmet meal. It'd take seconds for that shitty sandwich, you won't be hungry but you won't like it. Slow down, be careful, and you'll have everything you want on your plate soon enough.

 

[Missykins]

A great deal of what you are describing frankly is attributable to your intoxication with benzodiazepines and alcohol, which means the LAST thing you need are more benzodiazepines.

What is it specifically that makes you think you have bipolar disorder? And why is it that you are not seeing a psychiatrist?

 

[hobhead]

seek help from your county or city . it likeky won't be a talented psych doc but you may get referred to on from social services . a fucking quack pdoc is far worse than no doctoring is my experience . take a look at crazymeds forum and you will read about diagnosis, meds and what is working for others .
you are in the pit of depression and with the sucidal ideation going on, you must find medical help. the longer on is in the pits - the harder it is to claw out. i have had major depression episodically and have only found one pdoc that knew, within 15 min. what was driving it. i did as he said and i was on the mend. good luck-try to take care of yourself as best you can

 

[harlans]

i feel you. i get it. i've tried to kill myself 3 times. the most recent being a little more than a month ago. i also have bipolar-2 depression and a very addictive personality. went to rehab 8 yrs ago and relapsed after 5 yrs clean and sober. after that everything went to shit. lost my job, bf of 2 yrs living together left me for good, almost lost my apartment, alienated my family, lost all but 1 friend, luckily i only got arrested once for dui 9 yrs ago. i don't know how i didn't die when i'd go traipsing about my questionable neighborhood in a booze+ambien crazed blackout. what i found to work best is surrounding myself with others that have had the same problems and managed to move forward to better things. that could be a 12 step or outpatient. i'm not currently being proactive in that department, but stopping with the booze - if not the other things i do - at least lets my anti-depressants and mood stabilizers work. It makes a huge difference. booze renders those drugs useless. so, i now no longer want to die.

it is pretty fuckin lame the hospital didn't keep you. where i live it's legally required for a suicide attempt to be in lock-down psyche ward for 72 hrs. been there done that a few times...

 

[Stato]

it is pretty fuckin lame the hospital didn't keep you. where i live it's legally required for a suicide attempt to be in lock-down psyche ward for 72 hrs. been there done that a few times...

This is what I thought too. I live in Australia. Hell if you saw the news here at the time, apparently it was nationally broadcast.

I did see a psych at the hospital the next morning, he said it was methamphetamine use, I hadn't used any for 3 + weeks and have been suicidal for 12 years.

I'll get to my bipolar symptoms shortly.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

Reading this, I fit every symptom. I can't elaborate as to why and how, remembering the court case.

As well as my dad fits some symptoms, his father did (he died before i was born), and I have a cousin on my fathers side who is Bipolar I diagnosed.

 

[1sweetpeach]

My heart goes out to you. The proper meds could change the whole way you see life.

I had a boyfriend who was bi-polar. I never really gave it the serious credit it deserved when it came to this disease. When he was off his meds he was a total wreck. He used to tell me about how he would see a little old lady in the store and want to smash her face in the floor just for being. or every time he looked at the tree in the yard he visualized himself hanging from it. fucked up shit. Now that he is on the right medication he is doing well.

Benzos make me depressed especially klonipin, for some reason. They proly aren't helping you deal as much as you need. I think you should ask for a referal from the doc you already have an appointment with and see a psychiatrist asap.

keep ur head up.

 

[Stato]

Saw my doctor today, my GP.
Was prescribed Zyprexa/Olanzapine 10mg before bed and 2.5mg when waking up.

Great.... Anti Psycotics, now I get to be a zombie like the rest of them.

 

[godlovesugly]

sooo you fucked up because of xanax basically....then why are you now going BACK to a doctor to get a script for xanax...?

 

[Stato]

sooo you fucked up because of xanax basically....then why are you now going BACK to a doctor to get a script for xanax...?

No. I have had a history of fucking up. With Bipolar I in the family tree as well.

It's been a few days since I last slept. High Anxiety, High Stress and suicidal thoughts as well as extreme rage, I have always tended to act out physically when provoked.... I smashed my brand new laptop in a rage the other day.

On the plus side, we are fast tracking an appointment to a psych and should be seeing one soon I hope.

I also have an obesity problem so I'm mostly concerned about putting on weight from use of this anti psycotic.

 

[morpher001]

sooo you fucked up because of xanax basically....then why are you now going BACK to a doctor to get a script for xanax...?

To elaborate on this, xanax can entirely dis-inhibit you and cause you do do things which you would otherwise never in your wildest imaginings considered yourself doing. Particularly if you are drinking at the same time. And definitely at the dose you took of 30-40mg. OP it is important that you know this, particularly if you have ongoing access to xanax.

I know next to nothing about bi-polar so please excuse if my comments to follow are naive.

As much as finding the proper medication for yourself, I'd say self discipline is just as big a factor. I know you mentioned your distaste for people telling you to think before you act.

Perhaps it might help to have some sort of external motivation to help mitigate the highs and lows. Plans and objectives that are your own, that truly value. Having these things might help you to mitigate any extreme behaviors when you are experiencing an up or a down. On one level your emotions are telling you one thing, but on another you will know that acting out what your emotions are telling you to do would not be consistent with those other things you want to do - achieving those objectives that you value. Perhaps then the unpleasant effort of suppressing an impulse will feel more like a choice than a chastisement.

 

[Stato]

Got my script for. Valium, and. Mirtazapine.

The mirtazapine helped me sleep for the first few days and now it's useless.

Sleepless nights and boredom are doing my head in. I just took 40mg Valium about 30mins after drinking a liter of 2 different brands of grapefruit juice. Yah i'm that bored. I only just woke up too..

Hopefully I can get some proper help when I see this psych next month

 

[Stato]

And yes I am well aware of Xanax and what it does in high doses. I wanted to die, plain and simple. I describe it as a cry for help but In reality I will succeed next time because I realize what I did wrong, no goodbyes... I just want to fall asleep and not wake up.

My blood alcohol was only .017 at the time I was concious at hospital. Clearly I needed more.


Hopefully I can gt the help I need, i still want my Xanax and will seek a prescription, I can't deal with the anxiety at the moment.... It's terrible.

Ps: wrote tis on a borrowed iPad as I smashed my 2 computers. Yay