What do you do with your middleman?

[motherofearth]

Hi, so I have a year long heroin habit I dropped last Saturday night. Getting out has been integral to keeping positive through all of this. So to put it straight, I'm going to this once a year multi-birthday party for, like, 5 people, and my former middleman wants a ride with me. If this were it, the answer would be easy, but there's some history. My middleman is a middlewoman, and I have sexual history with her - nothing I'd want to continue, no attraction anymore on my part, plus she date's my former best friend who I still have good feelings towards. Anyway, there is an underlying feeling I need to keep some sort of friendship with this person after all the insanity. I've seen a lot of friends go into drugs together, fuck each other, and be not friends. She also said she won't get it for me, no matter how I ask.

And oh god, the other side is coming up, the one where I feel like I should just sniff the dope, not shoot it, but just sniff some bumps. Fuck. Today may be rough.

Any advice is appreciated.

 

[Missykins]

original post removed, so removing any of its remnants. Thank you! - Vaya

Ignore the above.

I take it you're trying to stay clean. If that's the case, then you'll have to give up the "people, places and things" that are associated with your drug life. That's a simple fact, at least while you're experiencing urges.

 

[Dave]

Agreed. If you explain why you can't give her a ride, she'll either understand and be supportive, or isn't worth the association.

 

[Slappyfinklestein]

If she is a legit freind she will understand and not pressure you. If she tries to get you fadded she prolly aint that great of a person.

 

[RedLeader]

original post removed, so removing any of its remnants. Thank you! - Vaya

I don't think "safely" is the term you are looking for. If I got into a lion pit and successfully danced around with the cats for five minutes and exited without being eaten, I wouldn't exactly say that I "safely played with the kitties." No matter how much I enjoyed myself.

I understand that some people can use heroin with minimal damage (physical, collateral, etc). I have a couple of friends like this. So I am not going to say that nobody can do it. But to tell this to someone one week clean, who obviously cannot realistically use without getting sucked into the very dangerous lifestyle, is a little silly. That would be like telling me that I can safely go play with the lions because a few crazy stuntmen do it on a regular basis.

She also said she won't get it for me, no matter how I ask.

Sounds like reverse psychology just to get you into the situation where you relapse. It will be worse if she uses as well, because you'll also be a trigger for her too. I'm not saying that you two couldn't pull this off, but in doing so it would be really tense and awkward, and you won't be able to enjoy yourselves because all night you'll be thinking about heroin and arguing with yourself around staying strong verses relapsing. You're still way too early in recovery to be testing your will-power like this.


To answer the original question, I don't do anything with middlemen except acquire drugs from them. I live under the assumption that, like mentioned above, any friendship or concern shown to me by such people is ultimately some type of psychology (even if it's not, this keeps me safe(r)). I don't really get (have gotten) drugs through friends much, because most of my friends and I have a mutual understanding that "real friends introduce each other to the dealers" in order to eliminate the chance of us screwing one another over.

 

[motherofearth]

original post removed, so removing any of its remnants. Thank you! - Vaya

I think you missed the question in my post, because safety and heroin use is not my concern in the above. I want to know if others recovering are comfortable with seeing people involved in their old use i.e. middlemen, dealers, runners whatever. I'd prefer you not reply with your brand of "get-real" advice, or tough love, bluntness, callousness, or whatever the purpose of your terse and off-base reply. Unless I'm missing the value in those eight words, I'd personally appreciate it. Thanks.

And by the way, in general, I've already fucked up and bought a g of some fresh cut white powder. God, I don't even know what to make of this yet. Shit....

 

[motherofearth]

"real friends introduce each other to the dealers" in order to eliminate the chance of us screwing one another over.

I argue with my middlewoman about this all the time. She is suffering Delusions of Grandeur and thinks she's a dealer, when she is no more than a middlewoman in every sense. I also have said to her if we were the friends you said we were you would put a word in for me and put me through directly, instead of ostensibly demanding a chunk of your "friend's" action. In her defense, the dealer is, like, a machismo-type gangsta dude, and I'm a punk rocker, which doesn't mean we can't get along, but it breeds confusion, ie he thought I was gay and scarred of me because he thought it meant I had a crush on him. Haha, just because I wear tight pants doesn't mean I want to fuck you, I want to fuck you drugs. In any case, I've felt this person has taken advantage of the fact I have money for a long time. At times she has made generous overtures: handing out really big doses for free, kicking half gram of coke here and there, and she hasn't fucked me outside of loosing her cool and pissing me off, which she now knows just ended up fucking her more.

But I vaguely digress. I feel like such an idiot right now: I relapsed (not sniffing - the way I thought I would - but with the needle), I lent the middlewoman $20 (on top of the $60 she still owes me), and I'm caught up in trying to stay friends with this person who is probably a trigger for my use. I'd never have sex with her again, but it's a situation bad like that. If you had intense sexual cravings for a person, yet you know you should not have them, and then you get drunk alone in your room with the person. On the outside I know this sounds stupid,like, so obvious: STAY AWAY FROM THIS PERSON - it's true. I was setting up this relapse from the beginning. Tomorrow I'm gonna continue/restart and work

 

[Missykins]

Once again, you need to avoid all people, places, and things associated with your drug use.

People who sell you drugs, do the run for you, sleep with you for drugs, make change, prepare the shot, whatever, don't have your best interests in mind when you're trying to quit because your sobriety is not in their best interests. Get it? Consciously or subconsciously, she is going to encourage you to use, and you've got to cut her loose. This will probably result in some hurt feelings, especially given the fact that you've slept together, so I think that you owe her an explanation. Simply explain to her that you want to quit using, and you can't be around her without using, not now anyways. With some clean time under your belt, you'll see the relationship for what it really was.

So how are you going to quit using heroin? What's your plan?

 

[Allein]

I fully support the above, I cut off a number of long term friends, some of which were friends before they were suppliers to me, but it had to be done and this wasn't H, coke was more my problem. But there is such a strong trigger when being in that same house with the same people, they are offering you, often free lines etc etc...

You have to make a clean break and unless someone else is going to do the same with you, you have to leave them behind its hard but you are more important and only you have control and responsibility over you own actions.

As above, do you have a plan? I've never been an opiate user but I know that some kind of prescribed substitute can help allot going CT if you've been using heavy is going to leave you very vulnerable to relapse. Being from the UK I understand very little about the medical system in your country so I can;t really offer much advice on that one.

Best of Luck

 

[motherofearth]

After relapsing yesterday I believe I am generating a not-completely-genuine goodwill towards this person so I can subsequently manipulate myself into buying dope. In any case, I've decided I won't be seeing her for a while. Before she became my middle person I didn't really care to be around her. Years ago, when we stopped sleeping together, I had a post-sex aversion to her, and was frankly kind of revolted by her. And a year after we stopped, my ex-best friend started dating her, and they've been going for over a year and are in love with each other and so on. I just don't like her as a person. She has this debasing way of justifying just about any sick thing she can, and it amounts to ethical laziness to me. Though I'm far from perfect, so I feel kind of hypocritical casting judgment.

You're still way too early in recovery to be testing your will-power like this.

Quite true. This testing, or planning, led to a relapse. I'm hoping I don't lose sight of where I was going with the 5 days clean.

So how are you going to quit using heroin? What's your plan?

I don't want to go on subs, and certainly not Methadone. As of now, I don't feel those treatments are right for me. While they've been miserable in the past, my physical WD's haven't been bad lately. So mostly I am trying to keep busy, exercise, look for a job, talk to people a lot, and I try to get out - but now I know I need to avoid certain scenarios. I always knew that. I was trying to fuck myself yesterday.

 

[piebald]

I think you missed the question in my post, because safety and heroin use is not my concern in the above. I want to know if others recovering are comfortable with seeing people involved in their old use i.e. middlemen, dealers, runners whatever. I'd prefer you not reply with your brand of "get-real" advice, or tough love, bluntness, callousness, or whatever the purpose of your terse and off-base reply. Unless I'm missing the value in those eight words, I'd personally appreciate it. Thanks.

And by the way, in general, I've already fucked up and bought a g of some fresh cut white powder. God, I don't even know what to make of this yet. Shit....

I can def. relate to this.. i actually had to move away in order to stop using. I had this dilemma to the EXTREME. I associated so many elements of my life with using that i needed a neutral environment where i wasn't constantly dodging and avoiding people and elements that reminded me of drugs...