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My Girlfriend is Overweight...Need advice please

SayoFire

SayoFire

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 15, 2012
Messages
6
Hi all, I was really just looking for a place to talk about this, but would appreciate any advice too.

Been with my girlfriend now for about 3 1/2 years. She has always been a big girl, borderline obese. half a year later, I felt as though she had gotten bigger, and concerned for her health i gently encouraged her to try some exercise (with me of course), some walking here and there, that sort of thing. She never seems interested, even when i suggest doing it with me. She does art for a living and the work can be very demanding at times (spending a long time in one spot either on the computer or drawing etc) which I understand.

Up until the 2 1/2 year mark, I sat quietly on the sidelines so to speak, but the concerns got to me (as she had already been to hospital for a diet related incident already), so i started telling her how much it was worrying me. We got into big arguments and I broke up with her because I wanted her to take more responsibility for her health.

A year later, we started talking and she had started getting into exercise, seeing a nutritionist etc, which made me happy to see her doing something about it. We talked things out and got back together. Few months after we got back together, she started getting slack again. Shes not eating too well either (sugary crap here and there). Zero exercise. I have again encouraged her again to do stuff with me, made suggestions about diets, foods, weight loss products (i work in a pharmacy you see..). She even stopped seeing her nutritionist because she said it was "a waste of money"..

This is really bothering me. Im sick of baby'ing this issue as everytime i bring it up gently, she tells me to stop lecturing her. I believe she has the ability to change and I know this change has to come from her...not from me. I havnt told her though that this time Im finding her weight very unattractive (not that I ever found it attractive), its digusting.. But never really mentioned it because it was not my primary concern. Ive never had a problem with my own weight and i eat well, but I can understand how hard it is to change this sort of thing. How do I approach this... as bad as it is to say, I dont want a future with someone who wont look after themselves. Id be saying the same if she was smoking

sorry for the wall of text.. had to get that off my chest
 
Weight can be a really sensitive issue for lots of girls. I am one of those people who has to always watch what she eats and exercise regularly, or I gain like nothing. But, it's hard as shit to exercise regularly when you're tired after work. My advice is to find what she likes. I was the stereotypical person who would quit the gym in a month. Does she work all day?

Does she even want to try to exercise? I go to a class called boot camp and it's becoming pretty popular. It's one girl (the trainer) who is certified, and they always have advanced and beginner level exercises. You never do the same thing twice and it's a great workout. The downside is that it's hard. She WILL lose weight. lol You can't help but lose weight with these classes. It's outside too, so I think it's all-around good exercise.

Other than that, she has to change her diet. What I do to stick to a diet is give myself a day off. I eat whatever the hell I want on Saturdays and Sundays and the rest of the week I'm on. This means that when I crave something, I know I can have it rather than get stuck with never eating what I like.

For some people, weight is a really sensitive issue and it is like drugs. You won't be able to control her. She has to want it, but that might never happen. She might always stay overweight. My mom was always overweight, and I remember her doing all kinds of stupid diets as a kid. She never did anything healthy, and so she never really lost any weight.

We can't tell you what to do, but if you don't love her in her current state, then it's probably not there for you two. You have to accept her how she is now, because she might never change.
 
Cheers for the reply Lysis,

Yeah it can be a touchy subject, so anytime I've mentioned something, I've tried to bring it up casually. Well, she works 9-5 sort of thing most days, so yeah like most people its hard to find the energy to exercise after that.

Thanks for the suggestions! There are a few boot camps around and i have mentioned something about those to her (again she seems uninterested). She told me recently shes been very unhappy with herself and shes started to organise something plans to tackle it again. Again, will offer my support and hope she sticks with it.

Yeah I dont want to be able to control her, I just want her to want it. Yeah I know some people who are close to me who have tried similar things, crazy diets/fads and all that.

I dont want to give up on this relationship, but I cant take worrying constantly about this thing. Its very selfish of me, but I hope she manages to change this aspect about herself. Very few girls out there with a personality as beautiful as hers (at least from what ive seen lol)
 
Not an easy subject to bring up with your partner at all.
If you have stopped finding her attractive already then how long will it be until you no longer want to be with her at all.
You could always suggest going for bicycle rides together, nice gentle exercise to burn calories and it can be fun also.
Do any of her female friends do any kind of exercise for weight control? If so then perhaps you could ask them to invite your partner to do it with them.
How about going swimming together as that can be fun and it doesn't put too much stress on the body, or aqua aerobics is very popular these days.
Tough love may even be required cos if you going off her now due to her weight its only gonna get worse the more weight she puts on.
I feel for you mate as talking to a woman about her weight is never gonna be an easy thing to do without hurting their feelings,I wish you luck mate.
 
Lysis said:
Weight can be a really sensitive issue for lots of girls. I am one of those people who has to always watch what she eats and exercise regularly, or I gain like nothing. But, it's hard as shit to exercise regularly when you're tired after work. My advice is to find what she likes. I was the stereotypical person who would quit the gym in a month. Does she work all day?

Does she even want to try to exercise? I go to a class called boot camp and it's becoming pretty popular. It's one girl (the trainer) who is certified, and they always have advanced and beginner level exercises. You never do the same thing twice and it's a great workout. The downside is that it's hard. She WILL lose weight. lol You can't help but lose weight with these classes. It's outside too, so I think it's all-around good exercise.

Other than that, she has to change her diet. What I do to stick to a diet is give myself a day off. I eat whatever the hell I want on Saturdays and Sundays and the rest of the week I'm on. This means that when I crave something, I know I can have it rather than get stuck with never eating what I like.

For some people, weight is a really sensitive issue and it is like drugs. You won't be able to control her. She has to want it, but that might never happen. She might always stay overweight. My mom was always overweight, and I remember her doing all kinds of stupid diets as a kid. She never did anything healthy, and so she never really lost any weight.

We can't tell you what to do, but if you don't love her in her current state, then it's probably not there for you two. You have to accept her how she is now, because she might never change.
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kinda interesting on my thread how you suggested she leave cause i want to smoke on occasion :P

Here's how that works (compromise). I too am a fitness fanatic. I actually had to stop working out due to health reasons the past few months and its driven me nuts. I went from 9% body fat to around 18-20%. It's terrible, and i am rigorously trying to change it. The diet you speak of is fantastic, although most people restrict the "cheat day" to once a week, not saturday and sunday. I'm almost the same as you, usually i end up breaking the rules twice a week. It works wonders.

This is what I am suggesting in my upcoming discussion/negotiation with my girfriend. "look, i know you dont want me to be an every day smoker, i wont. What i can't promise is that I'll never smoke again, in fact, there will be occasions (like music festivals with the boys) where i actually WANT to smoke cigs. If i can get it out of my system without becoming a pack a day smoker, can that work?"

Same negotiation you're suggesting "Look, i know weightloss is important to you because its effecting my health, so, I promise to eat well 5-6 days a week if you let me binge eat on the 7th" (its actually healthy to give your metabolism that SHOCK day of eating 4000 calories, if you so desire, otherwise it thinks of your weightloss efforts as normal, and you'll plateau).

I don't really see what the difference is here

To the OP - I understand how tough this has to be, if you ever tell a female something about their looks it effects them on a very deep level. However, if you find a place to speak from the heart, with compassion, you'll do fine. It might be a painful process and one you certainly don't enjoy. If you love this person and want to be with them, it's important to share what you're going through. You don't know for sure how she will take it, and you can't bet on an outcome. You'll have to leave that part up to her (which is SO HARD, I know) but, one thing i can guarantee is that if you don't talk now, it will stay with you until something changes, and usually the longer you wait the more drastic that becomes (or you just end up breaking up).

My last girlfriend of 3 years, whom i was crazy about, was a little too promiscuous for me (putting it VERY lightly). I finally couldn't take it anymore and we split up. I tried a million times to tell her that it wasn't working for me, that making out with dudes at bars on occasion was too much for me, and she expressed no desire to change that habit. Well, guess what, she never did. She's perfect for someone who wants an open relationship, but not for me.

This person is either right for you or they aren't. Compromise is very important in a relationship, there is usually a way that both parties can get what they want without sacrificing everything.

Plus, give her a month of exercise and good diet and watch her become a fitness freak. It feels SO GOOD to exercise regularly, and it takes 21 days to create a routine. Once she experiences the endorphins on a regular basis, she will actually get pissed when she DOESN'T work out. Its only natural. Also, when people are heavy they often see results much quicker than those who are skinny. I can easily lose 10 pounds in 1-2 weeks now because i have extra body fat to burn, whereas when you're at 10% body fat or below, losing 10 pounds of body fat is incredibly hard because you only have about 15-20 pounds of body fat in your entire body. (i weigh 200 pounds right now at 20% body fat, before i gained fat i was 180 and 9-10% body fat, so, 10% body fat loss would be 20 pounds. if i was 260 pounds, shedding body fat and weight would be even faster!) Thats the fun part, when you work out for 2 months and see a 5% change in body fat, or a 15 pound drop in weight. Its addicting!
 
As other said, you either accept her for who she is or move on, its very hard for fat people to lose weight. A female friend of mine is overweight, and she has changed her whole way of eating , and exercising, but she has only lost few lbs.She doesn't get great result so she stops, and gain bacl everything she lost. She also has a great personality to. Since we are just friends, I don't push it on her, people are responsible for there own health and beauty. We all watch TV and know what is accepted from us. A lot times people just can't lose the weight, and are used to eating, eating becomes like a addiction.

But its very sad someone that you like a lot has become unattractive. I once talked to this girl online, and after 4 days of talking to her i was in love with her, and she was in love with me to, she even said it too. She was soo great.
But then i went out with her once, and she was very fat . I felt so bad. I never went out with her again. More sad was she even told me she'll lose weight for me. I told her its not that, but that I got back together with my ex girlfriend.

My only other option is for her to do gastric surgery. Maybe offer to pay half of the surgery.
 
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kinda interesting on my thread how you suggested she leave cause i want to smoke on occasion :P
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The difference is that you were pissed at the ultimatum. My response was tongue-in-cheek. You're pissed about the ultimatum, so maybe she should just leave instead of expressing her feelings. I was basically saying that she was expressing the way she feels and would leave if things didn't change.

This guy has attempted to approach the subject in a different manner, but without the explicit ultimatum, however it's still there. The end result is the same. He wants to leave because of it, but he just hasn't gotten to that point yet to tell her that.

Plus, we're hearing it from different sides. You are the recipient of the ultimatum and was basically saying "Fuck her for the threat" and he is the sender of the subtle ultimatum that she needs to lose weight or he will leave. He just didn't express the outcome if she doesn't lose weight.

Ultimately, I agree with speaking out on the subject if it's to the point where you're going to leave.
 
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Sounds to me like you're basically going about it in the right way. My only advice would be to emphasize that you are truly concerned for her health and you worry about her physical well-being. That way you avoid all the emotional stuff. That's all I can add to the discussion at this point. Good Luck though!
 
Thanks for the replies and insight everyone.

I have asked about her friends before and whether she would consider doing something with them. In fact, a couple of her friends are overweight as well and were exercising together at some point. But they lost interest too and slowly did less and less. She prefers to exercise alone she told me, which I think is a shame because I enjoy exercising with others and it helps me to stay focused/interested. Doing exercise/swimming or whatever is hard enough as we live a far distance from each other and work different times. We only get to see each other at most once a week as we do not live together either.

I agree exercise, at least once you get into a routine, can be very enjoyable and refreshing. I just dont think she has that drive there, or a desire to push herself onto it. She talks a lot about which foods to eat but rarely talks about exercise. Of course, exercise will help you with any diet but the thing is i think she thinks of exercise as more of a chore and something she needs to do than something she wants to do. Gastric surgery is an option, but personally i dont want her to go down that path. Rather she do the whole thing naturally/healthy, because eventually she will need to establish a routine anyway. She doesnt eat much as it is anyway, but most of the time though the food isnt too great.

I agree yeah I do need to speak out about this. I havnt expressed an outright ultimatum to her yet, but I know for a fact that I can never accept this aspect of her. I want to grow old with someone and if I ever had children with her, I dont want them growing up to think that this kind of lifestyle is ok or normal. I care about her greatly and I want to be completely honest so I will express myself soon whether or not these recent changes she has made stick. Ultimatums are horrible imo.. not sure what else I can do to support/encourage her on the subject though.
 
Good luck, sayofire. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, but I know how it is when there's that one superficial thing about someone that you just can't get past.
 
My gf tried the bootcamp and she loved it not that she needed it cause shes got a fine sexy body tall and lean like a stringbean but curves in all the right places, she did it for a month and loved going. She only stopped cause it was so expensive but she comes to the gym with me a couple of times a week. I also work long hours lots of 11hr days and found out that when I got out of work I was to tired and lazy to go so I started waking up early and going before work and u know what I love it. I feel good throughout the day and knowing that I just had a good workout I tend to eat a lot healthier during the day. If she starts work at 9 then waking up at 6 and going for an hour should be no problem but like everybody says they Wana want it.
 
Definitely a sensitive issue so *always* tread carefully. But it sounds like you know this.
Perhaps approach it a different way.

When the two of you hang out together, what do you do?? Try incorporating some physical activity but not referring to it as exercise, but just as something you guys are doing together. Going to the beach (in the summer), skating, roller blading, walks in the parks, taking the dog for a walk, bowling, those are just off the top of my head.
As well, how often do you eat together? Do you eat out much? My boyfriend and I, since we started being healthier, have started cooking together a lot. We just look up some healthy recipes online and went from there. Have a nice dinner at home and make some healthy meals. We make larger batches so that we have leftovers throughout the week as well, so we don't resort to easy and unhealthy foods (cuz we live apart, see each other on weekends, but live alone during the week LOL). Go grocery shopping WITH her, and go away from cookies, chips, etc. and go for carrots, apples, almonds, etc.

Maybe try some fitness classes with her. Not sure if you've tried this one, but there are some cool ones, like yoga, zumba, all sorts of things. That might peak her interest. Maybe a dance class as well?

Good luck! :)
 
A good thing that really works is weight wAtchers. You can and will lose 3 to 7 lbs a week but she has to want to do it , but how do you nicely suggest she needs to lose weight with out hurting ones feelings, maybe find pics of when she was slim and say babe you can look like this again, but if she has no interest it's really a losing battle she has to want too and if she is happy with her figure now and sees no reason to exercise than it may not bother her as much as it bothers you. I'm using the show my 600 lb life as an example. At what point did the people say ok maybe I should do something. Was it 500 or 550. You have to want to do it. You said she sits at a desk all day at 9 am. If my lazy ass can hit the gym at 5 am and then sit in school from 8 am until 10 pm then anyone can do it. And trust me I hate exercise and I LOVE FOOD. best of luck
 
Lysis said:
Good luck, sayofire. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, but I know how it is when there's that one superficial thing about someone that you just can't get past.
Click to expand...

Yeah that would be tough, and not really fair. Some people can gain back attraction by doing some passion camps or seminars

This usually happens at the "we've been married xx years and have lost the desire to bang" kinda thing. They work tho from what I've heard!
 
Is the issue really her health? Or is it your attraction waning as a result?

Is this really a matter "tough love"? Are you acting in her best interests, or yours?


Do you love her?

If the answer is yes, then breaking up with her over something so superficial is absurd. That's assuming there's not more to this story than you've led us to believe. I'd like to know more, personally, because If I found true love I doubt something like a personal vice (ala overeating) would compromise it unless it was something VERY SERIOUS.
 
@llama112
Yes I have tried that, asking her to come on a walk with me to get some fresh air every now and again (as i do some art in my spare time as well). I do suggest some things but she is just not interested. However, very limited to what we can do as we dont live together. If fact we live a fair distance apart, about 1hr and a half by car. So at most we only get to see each other for about 2 days a week/fortnight. She also cant drive, so most of the time the only way for her to go shopping is with me. I have gently mentioned that, if she picks up an unhealthy product, that isnt good for her/why not try this instead etc etc but most of the time it doesnt do any good. I dont really see a point in yelling either... although I will try cooking some healthy meals when im over next.

@kimmy7878
yeah that is the key isnt it-wanting it. but the thing is of course she wants it, everyone wants to be fit and healthy. its all about how badly you want it. and shes pretty much always been a big girl sadly.. which probably makes it even harder to break the habit/stick to it. There was this one time she was on a shake diet though and lost a fair amount of weight (we hadnt even met at this stage). My god was she hot. but of course, those shake diets are no good for long term weight loss.

@ChiLights + B1to'RoughJack
sure the weight carries its own unattractiveness, but im more worried about her health. If it were just a matter of looks, i would have given up already. And even if she did change for me, its gotta be a change for her. Otherwise she will probably just resent the hell out of me.

@Thou
Yes I love her. after all Im here asking for advice because I still care for her. Best interests? Well, I guess these are all in mine. Im the one who wants her to watch her health and trim down. Im the one who wants change (at least more so than her). I would like to think though that losing weight would also be in her best interests. Of course, over time my physical attraction has wanned yeah... I am attracted to thinner girls and I cant help that unfortunately. and although I agree looks are superfical (to a degree), if looks didnt matter at all, then you might as well be best friends. expressing yourself physically as well as emotionally is what a relationship is about imo.

btw guys she is not overeating. if anything, she undereats/misses meals/doesnt eat the right foods.
 
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Nah I know it's not just a matter of looks. I'm not superficial like that...not THAT superficial anyways.

But you say she's bordering on OBESE - she needs a shock to get her to change the way she thinks. Breaking up with her fills that gap - as I said, she will realize she doesn't wanna lose you, and start doing something about her health.

All you have to do is say you can't bear to see her doing the shit she's doing to herself, and your attraction has waned to the point where you're considering breaking up with her.

You don't actually have to do it. If things don't change then break up with her. THAT might kick her into gear. Honestly - if she says stop lecturing her, then stop it! It's obviously not getting either of you anywhere.

If she's undereating, then she obviously needs to learn that going into starvation mode slows down your metabolism, and actually craving things still makes you put on fat, even if you're not eating them!

(on a side note - if she's undereating, she must be depressed)
Thou said:
Is the issue really her health? Or is it your attraction waning as a result?

Is this really a matter "tough love"? Are you acting in her best interests, or yours?


Do you love her?

If the answer is yes, then breaking up with her over something so superficial is absurd. That's assuming there's not more to this story than you've led us to believe. I'd like to know more, personally, because If I found true love I doubt something like a personal vice (ala overeating) would compromise it unless it was something VERY SERIOUS.
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I'm sure it's both.

He can't just act on her interests only, or his. If he loves her, he needs to find the balance...not to act out of self-interest is retarded.

It's surely not just superficial - if you love someone, when they're healthy, and then stop being attracted to them when they become obese, then you have every right to just drop them after trying everything. He hasn't exhausted his options yet though, so I think he needs to, as he loves her...
Thou said:
This man has a kind heart. 8(
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I do...but there's such a thing called tough love, that's necessary on occasion, to get someone to change the way they think.
 
Start a course of exercise and encourage her to join you. Change your diet and prepare the same food for her.

If she won't join you, then you have some grounds for complaint.
 
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