InterzoneAgent
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2010
- Messages
- 83
I had just recently my first true +4 experience from 100 mg MXE plugged combined with small amounts of weed (a bowl or two of very weak leftover leaves, thank god no strong bud!). Sadly I have only fragments of memory of the trip, as usually is the case with MXE, and that is a real shame because it was serious business this time. I'll try my best to describe the experience as much as i can remember.
After writing this report i noticed that i could bring back to my mind quite a lot actually. I was able to remember some more of the things under the influence of cannabis some days later. This became a pretty lenghty report but hopefully it's interesting! English is not my native language so sorry if there are some language errors.
I have divided this report into few sections for easier & more colourful reading and included some information of my usual MXE experiences and various other observations of it's effects on me.
Prologue: Past experience with entheogens
I have used different psychedelics for many years, sometimes more often, sometimes with long breaks in between. I'm no expert with them but far away from beginner. Dissociative wise, aside from countless MXE trips I have experience with ketamine, salvia divinorum, and DXM. I used MXE pretty heavily last spring and developed almost total immunity to it's dissociative effects much faster than majority of other heavy MXE users i think. I have holed many times on MXE and had some sort of ego dissolution but never nothing of this magnitude. I haven't had a breakthrough this profound on any other psychedelics either.
I'll begin by telling about the things which i think played major role in achieving this state.
Chapter I: The easy-to-forget Art of Moderation and other things to keep in mind
Firstly, i had taken that 4 month break from MXE because of my tolerance which prevented me from getting almost any dissociation from MXE (not a batch issue) and using huge doses only led to total memory loss. After trying it again now, i noticed that all the effects i had been longing for had returned. Especially the fantastic feeling of flying/sinking through space when eyes closed which i loved the most. It was just like in the beginning. From now on i'll only get small amounts of MXE at a time so i don't screw up my tolerance again.
Secondly, i had been doing some meditation lately and practiced it on many nights in darkness, under the inluence of cannabis also. This improved hugely my ability to get much deeper into the altered mind state when i could shut down racing thoughts better and be more calm. I think observant would be best term for it.
The total darkness (well as total as i could get) helps also magnificiently. I usually always holed in dark, quiet enviroment with music playing in my headphones. This is not enough though if you can't quiet your mind and expectations also. I have noticed that meditation is very important when wanting to get the most out of psychedelics/dissociatives. This is of course no breaking news, but with MXE i found out it seemed almost essential in order to make the trip less chaotic and being able to take in all the little nuances of the experience and to observe them instead of thinking about them. Dissociatives in particular seem to be almost custom made for mediation because you can sink very deep into your head so easily and effortlessly with them.
Smoking just the right amount of weed had a positive outcome also. If i had smoked bigger amount or actual bud instead of leaves i probably would have just blacked out sooner or the trip would have been extremely horrifying and perhaps too confusing. Especially i might have gotten that "heart beating too fast!" feeling that often happens when your're too high. The amount was just enough to make me relaxed and more receptive, a pretty subtle effect all in all, but combined with MXE, it was more than enough. The deep profound thinking-realization aspect was also potentiated in a synergestic way.
When i was laying on my bed after taking the MXE and inhaling few bong hits, i was considering whether i should smoke more because i could hardly feel it. Gladly i didn't, as getting up and loading the bong would have broken my concentration and added distracting thoughts to my mind (the usual worry of whether i have under/overdosed), thus negating the positives of a stronger high gained by smoking more. I just said in my mind "whatever happens i'm ok with it, smoking more would be only greedy and desperate", and started focusing on the music. This letting the worries go, was a key element in getting deeper (and more gently) into the experience because stronger effects aren't necessarily good if you aren't ready to take them in. Set & setting > dosage, as is commonly known.
Chapter II: Here we go! But where?
I had taken a dose of 80 mg's earlier that day, during which i meditated in almost total darkness while listening some ambient psy. It was an ordinary deep MXE experience, although much richer because i had begun to learn how to harness it's true power by focusing better and thus getting more immersed in all it's stimuli. I came down from the trip surprisingly fast in terms of the annoying DRI after effects and felt pretty normal after few hours.
It was now getting late and i was contemplating whether to try a M-hole dose that night or save it for the next day. Well, it was MXE after all so it should be no surprise which option i chose.
I prepared mentally for the trip with the purpose of going deep. I loaded my bong, put some music ready (album; Ott - Mir, turned out to be a very good choice for that occasion!) and turned all the lights off. Then i hit the bong a few times and plugged 100 mg's of MXE.
As i was laying on the bed i was wondering why is it taking so long for the MXE to start kicking in. I could feel the weed starting to take effect but very mildly. Usually the MXE kicks in very fast plugged, so i started to think maybe it's a tolerance issue already and maybe i could boost it by smoking more. However i remembered that it sometimes just takes longer for the trip to start and most of all didn't want to distract myself by moving around. Also i was pretty certain that 100 mg's should certainly be enough considering the recent few trips with smaller doses. So i just started focusing on the music and silenced my thoughts and expectations.
Turns out it was a wise choice. I'm pretty sure i was already at this point (maybe 10-15 min max in) very deep in the moment and experiencing some time dilation which made it seem longer than it actually was. The very subtle effect of lil' bit of weed synergised with MXE starting to kick in and produced this almost unnoticeable time dilation and also made my thought patterns so much more deeper and full of emotion, but without confusion. I was getting lost in the moment deeper and deeper.
Then, i suddenly became aware of the aforementioned effect and the fact that i was slowly but strongly losing the sensation and awarness of my body. At the same time i started noticing how time begun to split into moments, with each passing second lasting longer than the one before it. It wasn't really that time was passing more slowly but i rather felt that i could sense each passing moment more perfectly, purely and thoroughly than ever before. Like hearing the sound of a drill or some other similar machine when it comes to stop from high speed.
Eventually this culminated in the sensation of time ceasing to exist as i was able to experience only the very present moment. The concepts of past, present and future were no longer relevant. They didn't concern me nor had ever concerned me as the only thing i could observe was this one infinite moment. You can't really think about the concept of infinity in the same manner as other time phenomena. How does one second of infinity differ from 1 000 000 years of infinity when the very concept of it excludes time altogether?
Although i have no solid idea how long this come up took in real time, i would guess it was pretty fast. I was peaking in probably somewhere between 25 - 45 mins, probably less. This was overall a good thing as i didn't have time to panick or fight against it really at all, it happened so fast with accelerating speed, but quite smoothly also. The last things i could think of were something along the lines "This is it, there's no turning back now". I just knew i had no chance of even trying to resist it.
Chapter III: Which Bardo is this?
The illusory flow of time, created by our minds constant attempts to ground them in this comforting false reality, was torn apart along the shutting down of my cognitive thought processes and i was revealed the true, all words and logic defying singularity behind it all. As i was gasping my breath at the sight of it, i was also losing the awarness of myself as an observing individual. I think this happened sort of layer by layer, as all the fundamental mechanisms, and fail-safes that hold our egos together were removed one after another. I could see how all these frameworks that consitute our knowledge of the world were created by our minds to distract us from realising the chaotic, uncomprehensible nature that lies at the bottom of everything. The absolute truth behind life and death and the ridiculousness of our ignorant beliefs about their nature.
I could see the constant struggle between existing and non-existing that gives birth and is the basis of all life and reality as we know it. I can't remember the exact words but i kept repeatedly asking myself aloud in utter shock something like "why is it like that? Why must it exist? Why does it try to exist?" It is like a neverending frustrating loop of useless attempts to move from one state to antoher but eventually always coming back to the beginning. Reality is like a dog chasing it's tail and this is absolutely horrifying when you can see it on the grand extrauniversal scale above time and space. I could see the fundamental equation that explains it all. It's so simple yet so unreachable to us when we observe reality from our individual perspective. We can't see it even when the answer lies right before our very eyes all the time. Doesn't make any sense when put into words, you just have to experience it to understand.
I could sort of see the answer in the form of the infinity symbol (the sideways turned number eight). The reality is cyclically and eternally flowing and revolving through it. Interesting side note: Once on a salvia trip i saw the DNA double helix being formed and i travelled along it like a rollercoaster. Back to MXE: I now think the reason why it was so utterly hopeless and tormenting was that i was trying to desperately understand it from my logical individual based reasoning instead of just going with it. But at the moment i was scared shitless that this was the true reality that awaits us all after death when our minds can't take in any external stimuli to ground themselves into this illusion and are, have always been and always will be, trapped forever and alone in this blank nothingness. I was in total agony. I felt horrified at the thought of how ignorant we are of our ultimate cruel fate which we cannot affect whatsoever.
What is beyond nothingness? Where did it all begun and most of all why? What is the reason? It was like the whole reality and universe had always been like a failed experiment that resulted in this everlasting struggle - trying to reach something but always repeatedly coming back to beginning. It really wasn't me who was in torment but ultimately the reality as whole. It was like an extremely cruel joke or riddle with no answer and the whole universe tried to make sense of why it exists by different means and attempts. These attempts manifested themselves ultimately as the life and time that we know and experience.
I'm not exactly sure if these were the exact explanations that i witnessed during the trip but rather approximations of them by analysing and trying to remember them later. I also can't say whether these thoughts happened before my ego death or after it when i was slowly being pieced back together. Whichever is the case i think that they were the result of trying to understand the non-understandable by logical reasoning. The chaotic limbo between having an ego and egoless awarness, created by ego's attemps to stay intact/make sense of it.
Chapter IV: Embrace the Void
As my ego was being stripped away i was finding thinking harder and harder to do. Well not really harder, it was actually just disappearing moment after moment on it's own. I was finally left in a completely blank state of mind consisting only of pure non-individual awarness. Time and space didn't exist anymore, so i can't really say that i arrived, stayed or left from there. It just can't be expressed in human words or concepts.
What happened next is that this state of pure awarness begun to vanish also and revealed a void of nothingness, the absolute non-existing. I had glimpses of this nothingness many years ago with 14 mg's of 5-MeO-DMT insufflated, and back then it felt horrible beyond words so i fought against it any way i could and had really tough time. I wasn't able to let go, i was too afraid of. I also had read some pretty wild trip reports describing this similar "void", some weeks ago and that must have had some subconsious effect on the trip. Like dreams, MXE trips in particular seem very heavily influenced by recent events and expectations. That's why meditation or similar technique before/during the trip feels so important with it.
Anyway, unlike with 5-MeO-DMT, this time i was able to break through. Perhaps because MXE's dissociative nature makes you so sucked in in the experience and out of this world, it's easier to just let go than with 5-MeO-DMT which keeps you more alert and aware when sensing the experience. With a stronger dose of 5-MeO-DMT i'm sure i wouldn't have been able to fight back either but the experience would have been clearer and thus even more intense. It is really a shame this unique experience with MXE seems so blurry because otherwise it was so special and mystical. With a tryptamine this similar breakthrough would have made a much deeper impact because of no dissociative memory loss.
So i have now broken through into the similar void i felt partly previously on 5-MeO-DMT and i have no real memory how to describe it really. Not that there would exist any words to do so anyway. During this moment i was laying on my bed, moving around a little in somewhat violent fashion, twitching maybe. Even though i didn''t feel my body or exist mentally as an individual at that moment i have some memory fragments about moving etc. Maybe seeing myself doing so in the "out-of-body experience" style. Most likely making some involuntary noises, or at least gasping in awe and chanting how unbeliveable it all was. I think i had also a feeling of my heart behaving for a little moment in a weird worrisome way and even stopping maybe. These were most likely just panick attack style symptoms, their sensation twisted and intensified by my mind state. I had no further side effects of that fashion. It would be interesting to see how i must have looked to an outside observer. Perhaps scary.
During these moments, before or when entering the void, my field of vision went black and every little visual stimuli on it dissolved into nothingness. Overall, i didn't really see any visions during this whole process. It was mostly mental/above human senses - an all encompassing event. After this there was no ego, no nothing - no way of ever understanding it. This is when the experience reached it's ultimate peak, the absolute final point of everything. I have a faint memory that the intensity of it was beyond anything and after that i simply lost consiousness.
I have no idea or memory how long i was passed out, probably not very long though. Looking at the clock wasn't obviously the first concern on my mind when i got my ability to discern reality back. I always forget to do that even if it's my intention when holing because you are mentally so very disoriented after that. Like i said before i'm also not sure whether those thoughts and revelations about life's true nature and such happened before this ego death part or when i was slowly returning from it and trying to understand the divine phenomena with logic. As stated the experience is very hazy overall but on the other hand surprisingly clear considering MXE's typical memory up-fucking nature.
Chapter V: The interdimensional pit-stop
The ego death wasn't the end of this trip though. It continued as a typical M-hole experience - very intense and totally immersing. No way of telling what's real and what's not at the moment. Very much a dream like state with clear scenarios happening and entities interacting in them. I don't know whether i had eyes open or closed when experiencing them. These scenarios took place in my room but on some another, higher level of reality. I could see how that more advanced layer of existance was interacting all the time with our lower, more basic level. It's like a grand framework that you can't see from the inside of it. Like the organs inside our bodies have no idea what they are part of in the grander scale.
These scenarios usually always involve people coming to my room by various ways and doing stuff to/interacting with me by talking or telepathic means. These visions are usually very sci-fiesque and revelatory. It's like alternate dimensions or realities are overlapping or allowing travel between them or something. But whatever happens it always feels so natural and familiar, like remembering something very important that was forgotten a long, long time ago. As many fellow travellers have probably noticed, this same thing happens with Salvia as well.
This time i could see who i really was and what my reason for living was. My current body was just a vessel of some sort for my true self (whatever entity that was) to do some mission by living here on earth. It was like a video game controller in a virtual reality game that was our reality played by some higher level beings. Or some remote controlled instrument sent to gather information from this reality. Anyway i was now able to see and understand this, and why it was like that. I was in telepathic contact to my friends/colleagues who were also on this same kind of mission or watching over me doing it. I had some black rubbery kind of band around my wrist (in real life) and i could see that it was actually some kind of transmitter with blue and red flashing lights. Then somebody came to adjust or fix it from that higher dimension so i could continue my work/game. I was making an interdimensional pit stop if you will.
I could feel my wrist band transmitter sending tingling electrical impulses through my body and that made me laugh everytime. I was also making conversation (telepathically i think) with my friends from the higher dimension during this maintenance and asking how they had been and so on. I had memories of a whole life in there while in this state. My personality was also transformed completely. I was a totally different person with different memories, knowledge and feelings. I think i knew i had to return soon to this false reality but that was also a routine part of that process for me. This had been going on for a long long time.
Chapter VI: Who MXE Put In My Something
The basic framework of these experiences sounds pretty similar to the alien abduction stories, doesn't it. I can see how these kind of experiences, drug induced or not, could be interpreted that way in a certain enviroment. If i was to trip in some jungle after living there for a while i'd probably have experiences of contacts with animal spirits instead of futuristic scifi stuff when surrounded by computers and such. However it's basic nature would always consist of some deep revelation and interaction with something/somebody. Haven't smoked (yet!) DMT myself but i guess people have similar experiences on it with the machine elves and such.
I didn't really see any visuals during this trip. I wouldn't call the things i normally "see" on MXE (or on other dissociatives either for that matter) visuals but rather mental images or dream sequences of sort. Vast epic landscapes, architechture and spaces. Flying through them and experiencing myself or witnessing (usually both) various mystical, majestically grandiose phenomena. This consists often of some huge magnificient change/transformation/evolution into higher level of human existance that was always predestined to happen. I'm taken through the beginning and end of time and human experience, which always culminates into this collective superhuman consiousness in an everlasting cycle. Also, everytime this happens it feels very natural and real, it's like coming home after being lost for a long time and finally understanding why everything is the way it is. It's like all the pieces in the puzzle are pieced together and the formed picture is so logical and simple it makes me laugh in awe and relief.
This process/evolution is impossible to put into words or to describe it with our normal senses. The world is seen in it's fundamental form through some new, or perhaps forgotten, supersense which all humans possess. This includes telepathic contact to all the other humans in some deeper level that exists all the time but is unseen to us because we fool ourselves into thinking that we are separate entities. For what reason i can't say, but this is the fact that creates the almost foolproof illusion of this everyday world appearing real.
When this transformation happens, all the individual minds are at first shocked and wondering what is going on, but soon they remember that this is what they have been existing for, this is their final destiny and true nature, thus accepting it and transforming into one collective consiousness. Or perhaps returning to it.
Above description is the basic core of almost every one of my deep hole/near hole MXE journeys. Very sci-fi like. Maybe i watch too much crappy scifi movies?
Anyway, you can easily program your mind into believing any imaginable fantastical scenario with it. Huge delusions of grandeur powered even further by the mania MXE causes. They are one of the most "fun" aspects of this strange chemical for me. You feel like you can basicly do anything and anything is possible. Thinking different scenarios in mind makes them seem very real and maybe actually happening.
The movie Altered States is actually a good example of another phenomena i get a lot on dissociatives, MXE in particular. If i remember correctly the movie's idea is based upon John Lily's experiments with ketamine in isolation tank, although it's pure fiction as far as the story goes. The thing i'm talking about is the hallucinations/delusions transforming into reality. I'm usually always believing on deep journeys that there are actual physical changes taking place in the world and it takes a moment after coming out of hole to understand that this is not the case. This aspect becomes pronounced with repeated dosing and after coming out of the hole i'm sort of on the verge of a state resembling stimulant psychosis (caused by the DRI effects of mxe?) and have poor/no way of separating hallucinations from reality eyes open. I also behave in very overstimulated fashion, constantly looking around my shoulders and feeling very paranoid, edgy and crazed. I personally can't understand why people praise the afterglow of MXE. It has always been this way for me, it has nothing to do with batches or something like that.
Epilogue: Is this me or the delusions talking?
This trip happened almost a week ago and i should have written better notes of it shortly after the trip because it was much clearer in my mind back then than the following day. Gladly i could remeber quite a lot of it with some effort and hopefully i'm able to bring up more memories of it in the future. MXE is much trickier substance to use than i had believed but with correct techniques it has almost limitless potential and ability to give very profound experiences. Guess i'll better start saving up money for that isolation tank.
After writing this report i noticed that i could bring back to my mind quite a lot actually. I was able to remember some more of the things under the influence of cannabis some days later. This became a pretty lenghty report but hopefully it's interesting! English is not my native language so sorry if there are some language errors.
I have divided this report into few sections for easier & more colourful reading and included some information of my usual MXE experiences and various other observations of it's effects on me.
Prologue: Past experience with entheogens
I have used different psychedelics for many years, sometimes more often, sometimes with long breaks in between. I'm no expert with them but far away from beginner. Dissociative wise, aside from countless MXE trips I have experience with ketamine, salvia divinorum, and DXM. I used MXE pretty heavily last spring and developed almost total immunity to it's dissociative effects much faster than majority of other heavy MXE users i think. I have holed many times on MXE and had some sort of ego dissolution but never nothing of this magnitude. I haven't had a breakthrough this profound on any other psychedelics either.
I'll begin by telling about the things which i think played major role in achieving this state.
Chapter I: The easy-to-forget Art of Moderation and other things to keep in mind
Firstly, i had taken that 4 month break from MXE because of my tolerance which prevented me from getting almost any dissociation from MXE (not a batch issue) and using huge doses only led to total memory loss. After trying it again now, i noticed that all the effects i had been longing for had returned. Especially the fantastic feeling of flying/sinking through space when eyes closed which i loved the most. It was just like in the beginning. From now on i'll only get small amounts of MXE at a time so i don't screw up my tolerance again.
Secondly, i had been doing some meditation lately and practiced it on many nights in darkness, under the inluence of cannabis also. This improved hugely my ability to get much deeper into the altered mind state when i could shut down racing thoughts better and be more calm. I think observant would be best term for it.
The total darkness (well as total as i could get) helps also magnificiently. I usually always holed in dark, quiet enviroment with music playing in my headphones. This is not enough though if you can't quiet your mind and expectations also. I have noticed that meditation is very important when wanting to get the most out of psychedelics/dissociatives. This is of course no breaking news, but with MXE i found out it seemed almost essential in order to make the trip less chaotic and being able to take in all the little nuances of the experience and to observe them instead of thinking about them. Dissociatives in particular seem to be almost custom made for mediation because you can sink very deep into your head so easily and effortlessly with them.
Smoking just the right amount of weed had a positive outcome also. If i had smoked bigger amount or actual bud instead of leaves i probably would have just blacked out sooner or the trip would have been extremely horrifying and perhaps too confusing. Especially i might have gotten that "heart beating too fast!" feeling that often happens when your're too high. The amount was just enough to make me relaxed and more receptive, a pretty subtle effect all in all, but combined with MXE, it was more than enough. The deep profound thinking-realization aspect was also potentiated in a synergestic way.
When i was laying on my bed after taking the MXE and inhaling few bong hits, i was considering whether i should smoke more because i could hardly feel it. Gladly i didn't, as getting up and loading the bong would have broken my concentration and added distracting thoughts to my mind (the usual worry of whether i have under/overdosed), thus negating the positives of a stronger high gained by smoking more. I just said in my mind "whatever happens i'm ok with it, smoking more would be only greedy and desperate", and started focusing on the music. This letting the worries go, was a key element in getting deeper (and more gently) into the experience because stronger effects aren't necessarily good if you aren't ready to take them in. Set & setting > dosage, as is commonly known.
Chapter II: Here we go! But where?
I had taken a dose of 80 mg's earlier that day, during which i meditated in almost total darkness while listening some ambient psy. It was an ordinary deep MXE experience, although much richer because i had begun to learn how to harness it's true power by focusing better and thus getting more immersed in all it's stimuli. I came down from the trip surprisingly fast in terms of the annoying DRI after effects and felt pretty normal after few hours.
It was now getting late and i was contemplating whether to try a M-hole dose that night or save it for the next day. Well, it was MXE after all so it should be no surprise which option i chose.
I prepared mentally for the trip with the purpose of going deep. I loaded my bong, put some music ready (album; Ott - Mir, turned out to be a very good choice for that occasion!) and turned all the lights off. Then i hit the bong a few times and plugged 100 mg's of MXE.
As i was laying on the bed i was wondering why is it taking so long for the MXE to start kicking in. I could feel the weed starting to take effect but very mildly. Usually the MXE kicks in very fast plugged, so i started to think maybe it's a tolerance issue already and maybe i could boost it by smoking more. However i remembered that it sometimes just takes longer for the trip to start and most of all didn't want to distract myself by moving around. Also i was pretty certain that 100 mg's should certainly be enough considering the recent few trips with smaller doses. So i just started focusing on the music and silenced my thoughts and expectations.
Turns out it was a wise choice. I'm pretty sure i was already at this point (maybe 10-15 min max in) very deep in the moment and experiencing some time dilation which made it seem longer than it actually was. The very subtle effect of lil' bit of weed synergised with MXE starting to kick in and produced this almost unnoticeable time dilation and also made my thought patterns so much more deeper and full of emotion, but without confusion. I was getting lost in the moment deeper and deeper.
Then, i suddenly became aware of the aforementioned effect and the fact that i was slowly but strongly losing the sensation and awarness of my body. At the same time i started noticing how time begun to split into moments, with each passing second lasting longer than the one before it. It wasn't really that time was passing more slowly but i rather felt that i could sense each passing moment more perfectly, purely and thoroughly than ever before. Like hearing the sound of a drill or some other similar machine when it comes to stop from high speed.
Eventually this culminated in the sensation of time ceasing to exist as i was able to experience only the very present moment. The concepts of past, present and future were no longer relevant. They didn't concern me nor had ever concerned me as the only thing i could observe was this one infinite moment. You can't really think about the concept of infinity in the same manner as other time phenomena. How does one second of infinity differ from 1 000 000 years of infinity when the very concept of it excludes time altogether?
Although i have no solid idea how long this come up took in real time, i would guess it was pretty fast. I was peaking in probably somewhere between 25 - 45 mins, probably less. This was overall a good thing as i didn't have time to panick or fight against it really at all, it happened so fast with accelerating speed, but quite smoothly also. The last things i could think of were something along the lines "This is it, there's no turning back now". I just knew i had no chance of even trying to resist it.
Chapter III: Which Bardo is this?
The illusory flow of time, created by our minds constant attempts to ground them in this comforting false reality, was torn apart along the shutting down of my cognitive thought processes and i was revealed the true, all words and logic defying singularity behind it all. As i was gasping my breath at the sight of it, i was also losing the awarness of myself as an observing individual. I think this happened sort of layer by layer, as all the fundamental mechanisms, and fail-safes that hold our egos together were removed one after another. I could see how all these frameworks that consitute our knowledge of the world were created by our minds to distract us from realising the chaotic, uncomprehensible nature that lies at the bottom of everything. The absolute truth behind life and death and the ridiculousness of our ignorant beliefs about their nature.
I could see the constant struggle between existing and non-existing that gives birth and is the basis of all life and reality as we know it. I can't remember the exact words but i kept repeatedly asking myself aloud in utter shock something like "why is it like that? Why must it exist? Why does it try to exist?" It is like a neverending frustrating loop of useless attempts to move from one state to antoher but eventually always coming back to the beginning. Reality is like a dog chasing it's tail and this is absolutely horrifying when you can see it on the grand extrauniversal scale above time and space. I could see the fundamental equation that explains it all. It's so simple yet so unreachable to us when we observe reality from our individual perspective. We can't see it even when the answer lies right before our very eyes all the time. Doesn't make any sense when put into words, you just have to experience it to understand.
I could sort of see the answer in the form of the infinity symbol (the sideways turned number eight). The reality is cyclically and eternally flowing and revolving through it. Interesting side note: Once on a salvia trip i saw the DNA double helix being formed and i travelled along it like a rollercoaster. Back to MXE: I now think the reason why it was so utterly hopeless and tormenting was that i was trying to desperately understand it from my logical individual based reasoning instead of just going with it. But at the moment i was scared shitless that this was the true reality that awaits us all after death when our minds can't take in any external stimuli to ground themselves into this illusion and are, have always been and always will be, trapped forever and alone in this blank nothingness. I was in total agony. I felt horrified at the thought of how ignorant we are of our ultimate cruel fate which we cannot affect whatsoever.
What is beyond nothingness? Where did it all begun and most of all why? What is the reason? It was like the whole reality and universe had always been like a failed experiment that resulted in this everlasting struggle - trying to reach something but always repeatedly coming back to beginning. It really wasn't me who was in torment but ultimately the reality as whole. It was like an extremely cruel joke or riddle with no answer and the whole universe tried to make sense of why it exists by different means and attempts. These attempts manifested themselves ultimately as the life and time that we know and experience.
I'm not exactly sure if these were the exact explanations that i witnessed during the trip but rather approximations of them by analysing and trying to remember them later. I also can't say whether these thoughts happened before my ego death or after it when i was slowly being pieced back together. Whichever is the case i think that they were the result of trying to understand the non-understandable by logical reasoning. The chaotic limbo between having an ego and egoless awarness, created by ego's attemps to stay intact/make sense of it.
Chapter IV: Embrace the Void
As my ego was being stripped away i was finding thinking harder and harder to do. Well not really harder, it was actually just disappearing moment after moment on it's own. I was finally left in a completely blank state of mind consisting only of pure non-individual awarness. Time and space didn't exist anymore, so i can't really say that i arrived, stayed or left from there. It just can't be expressed in human words or concepts.
What happened next is that this state of pure awarness begun to vanish also and revealed a void of nothingness, the absolute non-existing. I had glimpses of this nothingness many years ago with 14 mg's of 5-MeO-DMT insufflated, and back then it felt horrible beyond words so i fought against it any way i could and had really tough time. I wasn't able to let go, i was too afraid of. I also had read some pretty wild trip reports describing this similar "void", some weeks ago and that must have had some subconsious effect on the trip. Like dreams, MXE trips in particular seem very heavily influenced by recent events and expectations. That's why meditation or similar technique before/during the trip feels so important with it.
Anyway, unlike with 5-MeO-DMT, this time i was able to break through. Perhaps because MXE's dissociative nature makes you so sucked in in the experience and out of this world, it's easier to just let go than with 5-MeO-DMT which keeps you more alert and aware when sensing the experience. With a stronger dose of 5-MeO-DMT i'm sure i wouldn't have been able to fight back either but the experience would have been clearer and thus even more intense. It is really a shame this unique experience with MXE seems so blurry because otherwise it was so special and mystical. With a tryptamine this similar breakthrough would have made a much deeper impact because of no dissociative memory loss.
So i have now broken through into the similar void i felt partly previously on 5-MeO-DMT and i have no real memory how to describe it really. Not that there would exist any words to do so anyway. During this moment i was laying on my bed, moving around a little in somewhat violent fashion, twitching maybe. Even though i didn''t feel my body or exist mentally as an individual at that moment i have some memory fragments about moving etc. Maybe seeing myself doing so in the "out-of-body experience" style. Most likely making some involuntary noises, or at least gasping in awe and chanting how unbeliveable it all was. I think i had also a feeling of my heart behaving for a little moment in a weird worrisome way and even stopping maybe. These were most likely just panick attack style symptoms, their sensation twisted and intensified by my mind state. I had no further side effects of that fashion. It would be interesting to see how i must have looked to an outside observer. Perhaps scary.
During these moments, before or when entering the void, my field of vision went black and every little visual stimuli on it dissolved into nothingness. Overall, i didn't really see any visions during this whole process. It was mostly mental/above human senses - an all encompassing event. After this there was no ego, no nothing - no way of ever understanding it. This is when the experience reached it's ultimate peak, the absolute final point of everything. I have a faint memory that the intensity of it was beyond anything and after that i simply lost consiousness.
I have no idea or memory how long i was passed out, probably not very long though. Looking at the clock wasn't obviously the first concern on my mind when i got my ability to discern reality back. I always forget to do that even if it's my intention when holing because you are mentally so very disoriented after that. Like i said before i'm also not sure whether those thoughts and revelations about life's true nature and such happened before this ego death part or when i was slowly returning from it and trying to understand the divine phenomena with logic. As stated the experience is very hazy overall but on the other hand surprisingly clear considering MXE's typical memory up-fucking nature.
Chapter V: The interdimensional pit-stop
The ego death wasn't the end of this trip though. It continued as a typical M-hole experience - very intense and totally immersing. No way of telling what's real and what's not at the moment. Very much a dream like state with clear scenarios happening and entities interacting in them. I don't know whether i had eyes open or closed when experiencing them. These scenarios took place in my room but on some another, higher level of reality. I could see how that more advanced layer of existance was interacting all the time with our lower, more basic level. It's like a grand framework that you can't see from the inside of it. Like the organs inside our bodies have no idea what they are part of in the grander scale.
These scenarios usually always involve people coming to my room by various ways and doing stuff to/interacting with me by talking or telepathic means. These visions are usually very sci-fiesque and revelatory. It's like alternate dimensions or realities are overlapping or allowing travel between them or something. But whatever happens it always feels so natural and familiar, like remembering something very important that was forgotten a long, long time ago. As many fellow travellers have probably noticed, this same thing happens with Salvia as well.
This time i could see who i really was and what my reason for living was. My current body was just a vessel of some sort for my true self (whatever entity that was) to do some mission by living here on earth. It was like a video game controller in a virtual reality game that was our reality played by some higher level beings. Or some remote controlled instrument sent to gather information from this reality. Anyway i was now able to see and understand this, and why it was like that. I was in telepathic contact to my friends/colleagues who were also on this same kind of mission or watching over me doing it. I had some black rubbery kind of band around my wrist (in real life) and i could see that it was actually some kind of transmitter with blue and red flashing lights. Then somebody came to adjust or fix it from that higher dimension so i could continue my work/game. I was making an interdimensional pit stop if you will.
I could feel my wrist band transmitter sending tingling electrical impulses through my body and that made me laugh everytime. I was also making conversation (telepathically i think) with my friends from the higher dimension during this maintenance and asking how they had been and so on. I had memories of a whole life in there while in this state. My personality was also transformed completely. I was a totally different person with different memories, knowledge and feelings. I think i knew i had to return soon to this false reality but that was also a routine part of that process for me. This had been going on for a long long time.
Chapter VI: Who MXE Put In My Something
The basic framework of these experiences sounds pretty similar to the alien abduction stories, doesn't it. I can see how these kind of experiences, drug induced or not, could be interpreted that way in a certain enviroment. If i was to trip in some jungle after living there for a while i'd probably have experiences of contacts with animal spirits instead of futuristic scifi stuff when surrounded by computers and such. However it's basic nature would always consist of some deep revelation and interaction with something/somebody. Haven't smoked (yet!) DMT myself but i guess people have similar experiences on it with the machine elves and such.
I didn't really see any visuals during this trip. I wouldn't call the things i normally "see" on MXE (or on other dissociatives either for that matter) visuals but rather mental images or dream sequences of sort. Vast epic landscapes, architechture and spaces. Flying through them and experiencing myself or witnessing (usually both) various mystical, majestically grandiose phenomena. This consists often of some huge magnificient change/transformation/evolution into higher level of human existance that was always predestined to happen. I'm taken through the beginning and end of time and human experience, which always culminates into this collective superhuman consiousness in an everlasting cycle. Also, everytime this happens it feels very natural and real, it's like coming home after being lost for a long time and finally understanding why everything is the way it is. It's like all the pieces in the puzzle are pieced together and the formed picture is so logical and simple it makes me laugh in awe and relief.
This process/evolution is impossible to put into words or to describe it with our normal senses. The world is seen in it's fundamental form through some new, or perhaps forgotten, supersense which all humans possess. This includes telepathic contact to all the other humans in some deeper level that exists all the time but is unseen to us because we fool ourselves into thinking that we are separate entities. For what reason i can't say, but this is the fact that creates the almost foolproof illusion of this everyday world appearing real.
When this transformation happens, all the individual minds are at first shocked and wondering what is going on, but soon they remember that this is what they have been existing for, this is their final destiny and true nature, thus accepting it and transforming into one collective consiousness. Or perhaps returning to it.
Above description is the basic core of almost every one of my deep hole/near hole MXE journeys. Very sci-fi like. Maybe i watch too much crappy scifi movies?
Anyway, you can easily program your mind into believing any imaginable fantastical scenario with it. Huge delusions of grandeur powered even further by the mania MXE causes. They are one of the most "fun" aspects of this strange chemical for me. You feel like you can basicly do anything and anything is possible. Thinking different scenarios in mind makes them seem very real and maybe actually happening.
The movie Altered States is actually a good example of another phenomena i get a lot on dissociatives, MXE in particular. If i remember correctly the movie's idea is based upon John Lily's experiments with ketamine in isolation tank, although it's pure fiction as far as the story goes. The thing i'm talking about is the hallucinations/delusions transforming into reality. I'm usually always believing on deep journeys that there are actual physical changes taking place in the world and it takes a moment after coming out of hole to understand that this is not the case. This aspect becomes pronounced with repeated dosing and after coming out of the hole i'm sort of on the verge of a state resembling stimulant psychosis (caused by the DRI effects of mxe?) and have poor/no way of separating hallucinations from reality eyes open. I also behave in very overstimulated fashion, constantly looking around my shoulders and feeling very paranoid, edgy and crazed. I personally can't understand why people praise the afterglow of MXE. It has always been this way for me, it has nothing to do with batches or something like that.
Epilogue: Is this me or the delusions talking?
This trip happened almost a week ago and i should have written better notes of it shortly after the trip because it was much clearer in my mind back then than the following day. Gladly i could remeber quite a lot of it with some effort and hopefully i'm able to bring up more memories of it in the future. MXE is much trickier substance to use than i had believed but with correct techniques it has almost limitless potential and ability to give very profound experiences. Guess i'll better start saving up money for that isolation tank.
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I also had some of the experiences you describe (under mxe, too) so well -they make so much sense: