Advice on dealing with people on self-destruct mode (including yourself)

Kronos

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 10, 2010
Messages
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Hey TDS, i dont post much here though i probably could've done with some of you guys recently ha. I'm just looking for advice on how to help with a mate who's gone through a v rough patch, has mental heath issues and is on a fuck of a self destruct (drugs violance etc) spiral or generally just with people who've started to lose the plot (happens way too often :()

Is there anything that helps? i know there aint any magic cure but its hard to watch people ya love destroy themselves, only thing i can think of is to be with them, let em vent to you etc but that doesnt seem to be helping.. i dunno if theres a megthread or something similar feel free to merge im just wondering if i've missed something obvious..
 
I am half stuck on self-destruct mode, been like that for quite some time. I was horribly, terribly depressed at some point, got suicidal and it went so far that I had a few attempts. When a person truly decides that he wants to die and figuratively speaking pulls the trigger, I'd say that is sort of a turning point because you just willingly overrided your hardwired will to survive, even if the attempt doesn't succeed. I feel it's somewhat indescribable how it feels and what goes on in ones mind when this happens, the memory though is both scary and beautiful (after all, it was supposed to be the ultimate relief to end all suffering, beauty makes sense no?). Anyhow, it's like I got rid of some barriers/inhibitions regarding suicide which naturally led to a total of three failed attempts. Even if the first attempt was half-assed as in I was 15-16 years old and took something like twenty oxazepam pills, at the moment I was sure I would die from this "overdose". Ofcourse I survived. The psychological ramifications of this event however, were of much more importance. I now knew that in me I had the capability of killing myself, all I'd need was a gun and I knew 100% I could pull the trigger easily. If it weren't for outside intervention of friends, I'd be dead long before I registered here.

Actually now that I re-read what OP wrote, I'm not sure if he's even talking about suicidal tendencies but just destructive behaviour. Hopefully I'm not derailing your thread, I just try to help others understand.

Anyway, fast forward to present day, I'm not nearly as depressed as I was back then. In fact right now, I don't feel depressed at all because I'm happy and content with my current life situation. I still have a rather strong desire to die however, like some kind of left-over from the worse days. If I had the chance to do it painlessly, I probably would. To me it's just like going to sleep and never waking up, I simply see nothing bad in it. I know it will case a lot of suffering to everyone I know, but I feel like this suffering comes from a lack of understanding. People who cling to life no matter what are usually afraid of dying, they don't understand how someone could possibly want to die and somehow blame it on themselves, even though they sure as hell can't be held responsible for what life is. I could babble on about free will and what not but that'd only accomplish proving that I have too much free time to think about stuff that eventually makes most people go mental.

Perhaps eventually this desire to die will subside as enough time passes, perhaps not. One thing I know though, it won't happen over one night. If someone has gone on a self destructive rut, you're going to have to make them love life again for them to stop destroying themselves. Try to get away from the things that cause suffering even for a moment (not always possible), try and have a talk with this person (about their feelings, be the therapist he doesn't want to see or can't afford), DO something with him that you both enjoy, something that makes him think "hey, that might be fun to do again some day". It's much more harder than I make it seem, but eventually life tends to prevail because survival is hardwired in us.
 
Well, this is a tricky situation.
The person effected may not respond until they are ready to listen and pay attention to the " bigger picture " and what they are doing to people who care for them.
Basically, I learned and stated my answer off the song " How to save a life " by The Fray
 
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I am on self-destruct mode right now too.... Sadly you seem like my best friend who is desperately trying so hard to help me. The thing is I think we can only truly help ourselves at this point because we probably won't change unless we want to. I guess my best friend can only be there for me and hope for the best and that seems like what you will have to do as well. My best friend told me she may have to walk away from me as well if I continue on with the way I am acting and maybe you will have to do the same.... I think the people who are self-destructing need to hit rock bottom or have something happen before they realize they need to stop... Hopefully they don't and hopefully I don't but usually this is the case. Sorry if this is worded wrong but I think you'll get what I'm trying to say.
 
@xstayfadedx,I worry about you from your posts. You aren't that old but you do seem to be on bit of a self destruction course.
Aren't you and friend drinking and doing heroin and your mum keeps catching you out.
Why are you so down on life are do you see it as just having fun?
If you ever want to talk send me a pm, please take care of yourself and try to give your mum a bit less to worry about.
 
I am off SD-mode. I had a heavy trip where (be it true or my own delusions), I realized that there is zero difference between life and death, but there is a huge karmic difference between living righteous and suicide. No thanks.

That's all I have to contribute for now.
 
I am off SD-mode. I had a heavy trip where (be it true or my own delusions), I realized that there is zero difference between life and death, but there is a huge karmic difference between living righteous and suicide. No thanks.

That's all I have to contribute for now.

What if it wasn't about life and death per say, but simply about a being not wanting to exist on any level anymore. Willingly give up his consciousness after coming to that conclusion after an existential crisis? Would it be righteous to force this being to exist? Yes, literally force as in prevent him from reaching the state of non-existance the being wishes with his free will? On who's responsibility are those karmic differences of such events where the one who put them in motion does not exist? I'm not saying death equals non-existance, I believe it's quite far from it. It's still in the right direction in my mind, and clinging to life feels like the wrong direction (existence). You definately won't reach the state of non-existance by keeping living.
 
I don't recall the last time I wasn't stuck on the negative aspects of my life. For me, it has been more a matter of setting/not setting appropriate boundaries, dragging myself down with bitterness and self-loathing rather than focusing on what is important.

I have several people who are close to me who are going through terrible times. My situation isn't anything to brag about, either. It isn't good, but it isn't terrible. I have made decisions that affected me favorably and others that affected me adversely. I live with these decisions because I chose to live and hope. I have no desire to die anytime soon. There was a time when I did want to die. I didn't make an attempt. I did take unnecessary risks that could have had fatal results.

The instinct to survive is inside of each human being. OP, I commend you for being a good friend. Your friend's life is better because you clearly give a fuck about his wellness. Some people, even if not toxic people themselves, are beacons for such. If I were you, I would convey this to your friend at a time when you can talk privately together without substances or time issues being involved. I might not be here answering this thread if it were not that I received help from a close friend who helped me regain perspective. While nothing is perfect or will ever be, I treasure the moment of my friend taking an interest in my well-being. Even more, I was pleased to buy lunch for him today.

Stay strong yourself, also. It IS stressful to take on the problems of others. If you think your mate needs help, the best you can do is urge your mate to get that help. You describe that your friend is violent - please do not endanger yourself in the process of giving assistance. People can act unpredictably under stress. Your friend needs to talk this out with a professional - you cannot take on the responsibility of saving his life for him.

I hope your friend can help himself as soon as possible. Talking to a trusted friend would be a wonderful start. Just make sure you, yourself, can handle what he might say. I wish both of you - and all who are suffering - better days ahead.
 
@xstayfadedx,I worry about you from your posts. You aren't that old but you do seem to be on bit of a self destruction course.
Aren't you and friend drinking and doing heroin and your mum keeps catching you out.
Why are you so down on life are do you see it as just having fun?
If you ever want to talk send me a pm, please take care of yourself and try to give your mum a bit less to worry about.
Thanks for your concern...really thanks. And I don't really see this as fun anymore. The days of fun was when I was just smoking weed and hiding from cops that weren't there with my friends because I was paranoid. Now, I don't even know what this is.... I'm worried as well.. Maybe I should take you up on your offer of a pm. And yeah I know I should stop worrying my mom, I mean she just knows about the drinking but if she knew about the heroin use she would have a panic attack.
 
Everything I can think of has basically been said in this thread. They can only help themselves. I learned that when my friend first started smoking heroin, and when she moved to intravescular use I knew that there was no coming back. I was talking to my friend who is close with her and he said she was clean, but then she texted me asking me if I wanted to buy her pipe and some codeine. So I know there's nothing I can say or do anymore, but she needs to figure it out herself. I wish I could guarantee your friend won't die or end up in jail. I wish I could say the same for my friend. But there's a point where we need to loosen the grip we're trying to hold over them and just be there for them and give them all the love and support that you can.
 
What if it wasn't about life and death per say, but simply about a being not wanting to exist on any level anymore. Willingly give up his consciousness after coming to that conclusion after an existential crisis? Would it be righteous to force this being to exist? Yes, literally force as in prevent him from reaching the state of non-existance the being wishes with his free will? On who's responsibility are those karmic differences of such events where the one who put them in motion does not exist? I'm not saying death equals non-existance, I believe it's quite far from it. It's still in the right direction in my mind, and clinging to life feels like the wrong direction (existence). You definately won't reach the state of non-existance by keeping living.

I would never force someone to stop them from killing themself. Freedom is just as important as right to life.

Choosing non-existance is not true ego-loss, it is in fact the exact opposite. No thanks.
 
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