Raves & dissociative addiction & relationships.. life?

[psyfiend]

I'm an adult and for a quick summary of my drug abuse I went through an 8 year cannabis addiction, a 2 year speed addiction, a 6 month 2c-e addiction. I've pretty much done used/tried many drugs.. lsd, coke, ritalin, hash, 2c-b, 2c-i, 2c-c, 4-aco-dmt, 4-aco-dipt, 4-ho-mipt, ghb, 5-meo-mipt, 5-meo-dmt, dmt, xanax, cp 55940, mdmX, mdX, methyl.ne, methoxetamine, valium, oxycocet, salvia, mXpv, pXp... off the top of my head.

About two years ago I fell in love with a beautiful girl who was addicted to k and for some reason I thought if I tried it I could understand the drug and her side of view and help her to overcome it. The end result BIGGEST MISTAKE of my life! At the time I started to go to rave parties to dance and have fun and I wasn't addicted to it I just found it to be a fun thing to do, but overtime things got messy I lost my job because of a shortage of work and my relationship with her didn't really go anywhere. I got majorly depressed and fell into a nasty kit addiction (december 09- february10). I easily spent about <snip> a week on it.. I lost my mind, most of friends wouldn't talk to me or hang out with me anymore. I realized it was time to stop because of all the headaches and nightmares I got and quit cold turkey. I didn't leave my house for months or talk to anybody... I managed to go 2 months clean, I don't remember why but for some reason I decided to go out and get some and one more KH.LE couldn't hurt. I ended up bad tripping and puking all over my place, it wasn't fun at all. The next day I finished off what I had and it was ok trip. Not sure when but I started seeing some girl at this time and managed to go another month k free. Things between me and her were kinda boring she was too young for me.. So I gave into to doing K again because my favorite DJ was playing at a rave and my birthday was the next day and I figured it would be to treat myself with a hit of lucy and a gram of k. I had no rave friends at the time so none of my normal friends wanted to come party with me so the night turned out to be very sad for me. Not sure when, but I eventually started going back to raves I met a few nice people their who I became really good friends with and kept going and meeting new people because it was fun. So now I have maybe a good number of friends who go regularly (every weekend) over 80 atleast. Sadly the scene is really fucked up and everyones K'd out of their minds so I fell back into doing disgusting amounts of K again. Then there was a big drought for K this summer and I was pretty happy it was gone. I managed to get a job in my field this summer and was happy to be doing something with my life again! I stopped going to parties and would just chill out with friends take it easy. My boss was an asshole so I quit and wandered back to the rave scene because hey it's summer and it's a good time to party! Now the parties completely suck it's just awful, it's full of stupid kids doing ridiculous amounts of drugs. I don't really get fucked up at parties I prefer getting fucked up at home.

I'm a nice guy, I live by myself in a beautiful place, I have a wonderful family, I have some pretty cool friends. For some reason I can't meet any girl (I meet maybe 4 a night easy) but none of them I really like (there's a few..) but their all kinda super fucked up or not really my type. None of my relationships with girls ever last I haven't had a girlfriend in over two years. I feel really lonely all the fucking time, I've lost motivation to do things like getting up in the morning, get a real job, join a gym/ start playing a sport.. I basically spend all my money on bills and special k. I'm pretty responsible and I do manage to go sober most of the week. The concept of a "normal" life is very strange to me I'm addicted to k
, it's not as bad as it used to be I recall waking up in the morning not knowing who I was or what I was doing or where I was going. These days I don't know how to keep living life like this, I never went to rehab I don't believe they or anyone can really help me I've always managed to overcome addiction and pick up the pieces in my life. I just feel so lonely without someone special to share my life with, I'm not suicidal but I do contemplate sometimes because nothing truly makes me happy anymore other then k and listening to music. I'd like to go back to school but I'm not sure what interests me anymore other then chemistry or music. My memory is completely fucked up from all the drugs I've done..

Sorry if this thread is confusing in anyway it's just hard to explain everything. I'm an insomniac, I'm sad, lonely, LOST... I basically don't know what to do with my life anymore and I don't know where to go anymore.

 

[effie]

Psyfiend (i take it you are into psytrance? ) thank you for sharing your story with us. It wasn't confusing at all, it makes perfect sense to me. I hope that writing it down was therapeutic for you - I often find it really helps to clarify things in my head.. and I can empathise with your situation, I really can.

You strike me as a very strong person. You've kicked ketamine before, so you can definitely do it again! You also managed to go out to raves and meet new people, and turn them into friends - that is very impressive, I'm not sure there are many people who could do that! Good work on keeping on top of the bills etc too - not easy when you're feeling low. Lots of things there that you should be proud of

It's so tricky when all your friends are drug-taking friends, and your social life revolves around raving - believe me I've been there.. I'm so sorry you are feeling so lonely and lost now. I think it sounds like it is defintely time to give up the k., as you say - sadly this might mean you have to stay away from the rave scene and your drug-taking friends for a bit.. it's really hard, I know, but you sound very self-aware and it sounds like you know that something has to change..

Do you have any friends who don't take ketamine? Can you think of any ways of meeting new people that doesn't involve taking drugs? Perhaps a hobby (I hate that word, haha) or some sport, or maybe trying to meet others who share your passion for music and raving but not take too many drugs - such people do exist, honest I know you say you've lost any motivation to do activities that you enjoy, but it's a vicious circle and perhaps trying to set yourself little tasks, like going to the gym for a little bit one night or spend an hour or so in the evening looking into a new job.. small, manageable things that will give you a sense of achievement rather than you feeling like a failure (which you are most definitely not!)

I think you have a hell of a lot going for you at the moment. You're clearly strong, you're keeping on top of the practical side of life, you've got a nice place to live and good frriends, and you do have things you love apart from ketamine - music is fantastic and it's something that will help you a lot I imagine, and chemistry is kickass! :D please, if you ever start to feel like life isn't worth living, or getting any suicidal thinking at all, speak to someone immediately

How about persuing your interest in chemistry? You say you're not sure about school, but if you have an interest in a subject like that, then it could be a great way to turn your focus onto something positive and that will enrich your life. Don't worry too much about what society deems to be "normal" - it's all rubbish. The most important thing is being happy, and finding a lifestyle that suits you and can sustain that happiness

Have you considered getting any counselling, drugs-wise or just general, to talk things through and provide you with some support? Or maybe speaking to a doctor? It strickes me that a lot of the things you are talking about are symptoms of depression.. what doi you think?

Take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself too

 

[psyfiend]

Hi effie,

Sorry bout the delay and thanks for replying so quickly! Yeah psytrance all the way %)!! There's a good 3 psy rave parties a week over here... it's absolutely ridiculous. I really try to avoid going but it's so hard. On weekends it's like hey what do I do tonight? Stay home alone? Go to a bar? Not interested... I love going to dance and listening to psytrance. A lot of my friends and people I meet have the same problem lol. They say sure I could go over to a friends and chill out but it's so boring compared to these parties, but then again it's get rather repetitive partying all the time.

I do have friends who don't do ketamine but they're either busy or they sit around at home and drink all the time. I actualy have the most bills to pay out of anyone I know half the party go-ers, are kinda poor and have no responsibilities. Before the parties I went to school, had a gf, worked full time. I have a mortgage, a car and a lot of random possessions which is nice but materialism never made me happy when you die you can't take your stuff, wallet with you. I have so many bills I haven't gone shopping for clothes in a good 5-6 years almost. I think I'd be happier living in a box at this point lol. I feel like a walking zombie.. the ravers well they just go around asking people for bumps of K. Literally it's like ketamine is fucking disease around here.

I'm doing a bit better actually I got more of a normal sleep schedule and just joined a gym last week, trying to put my health first now. And yeah started to lose interest in the parties. As far as hobbies go I don't really know anymore I used to draw a lot but it's hard to get inspired but yeah I should start giving that a shot again it's been a while. Wow thanks! I think I should start painting or something. I also picked up my guitar again trying to keep myself busy. K has def been a downfall in my life, I always said to myself if a drug takes control of my life (interferes with normal life) it's no longer any fun and I should quit. I guess I just gotta do my best to avoid falling into the same old patterns.



Thanks for the reply

 

[Legerity]

If you prefer getting high at home, and love psytrance, why not go to the raves more often but not get high? If you're an insomniac then might as well be up dancing rather than laying around trying to sleep when you can't. Dancing at a rave has a more powerful effect on my state of mind than meditation, exercise, or anything else.

 

[Darksidesam]

Psyfiend ,
I can feel like Mini empathy in your situation im in that situation now, but in more of a dialuted one.
A, I have lost my rave friends but i havent been in it that long
B, im not heavily addicted to ketamine but i do have to use it once a week.

I also like psytrance

I always said to myself if a drug takes control of my life (interferes with normal life) it's no longer any fun and I should quit.

So you have to think why do we take substances? For fun and pleasure and sometimes for emotional and theraputic benefits,
but you can see that ketamine isnt really doing that for you any more and its just a habit that you are admitting yourself you do not enjoy it, its so hard to break a habit/ pattern.

Try and concentrate on the Gym,

Its much easier to be loved by others,
If you can love yourself and who you are.

Peace Buddy.

 

[effie]

Hey psyfiend,

No worries for the delay! It's great to hear that you are doing a little better. Raving and ketamine have been your whole world for a while - it is going to take a bit of time to find new things and to make a new pattern that feels normal and natural, but it will happen, and it sounds like you're already making progress. Exercise sounds great, and painting/drawing sounds like an excellent idea, as does picking up your guitar! You don't have to stop the raving at all - it's a big part of my life too, and I love it - it sounds like you just need some balance

If you prefer getting high at home, and love psytrance, why not go to the raves more often but not get high? If you're an insomniac then might as well be up dancing rather than laying around trying to sleep when you can't. Dancing at a rave has a more powerful effect on my state of mind than meditation, exercise, or anything else.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I never thought I could manage to go out raving without drugs, but I have been forced to curtail my drug consumption hugely due to my job, and it amazed me how "high" I feel dancing sober to the music at a rave, with the fat soundsystem, and the atmosphere, and the crowd, and the bass vibrating through me.. it's pure bliss! It is hard when the majority of people around you are getting wasted, but I am finding more and more sober (or sober-ish) people the more I look - it's hard to tell who's sober and who's not when you are wasted, hah!

Also, for me, music is more enjoyable without ketamine too - I find it dulls and distorts it.

I feel like I will never give up raving (gabba is my passion, but it's all underground dance music and I bet we love the same things about it) and it enhances my life hugely, but it is definitely possible to keep going while cutting down on the drugs

Good luck, let us know how you are getting on!

 

[psyfiend]

Thanks for all the responses and sorry for the delayed I wanted to respond a while ago but I got distracted with life.

Quick summary I still go to the gym maybe not as much as I'd like and yes it feels good. I'm back in pretty good shape maybe not as much as I'd like to be but 24 pull ups in one warm up set is pretty good right? I've been smoking for 10 years now so hard to quit! Things were going good despite my stupid nasty 3month K binge, started going out with a beautiful girl friend of mine for about a month and that totally went to shit somehow . I stopped a few times since new years, 13 days off, 2 day on, 6 days off, 7 days on, 7 days off, 2 days on, 12 days off, 2 days on (something like that). I'm proud of myself when I stop, I feel weak when I come back to it, I'm just so fucking lonely and I don't really know how to cope some days. I don't party much anymore I go out to some sometimes because yeah I'm tired of being at home alone.

I saw a psychiatrist (frist time in my life) on new years because I took random drugs and got scared and ended up going to two hospitals, they gave me a number for a rehab clinic and they recommended that I go for 4 months to get help. I really wanted to go but I have too many responsibilities (paying bills and such) I feel like a huge burden to my family and I can't possibly imagine leaving for that period of time and asking them to cover me (I'm sure they would, but no I usually fix my own problems). I've been lucky enough to share a bed/ nice sleep with 3 diff girls (old friends) since new years, nothing really happened :S so that feels kinda weird to me and kinda losing confidence in myself in the love department. I don't know why but I can't get my mind of the last girl I was with, I really wish I could just move on and meet someone... she was my best friend and we don't talk much maybe once a week compared to everyday. She's seeing her x-bf which is ok I guess, part of me is happy that she is happy but part of me is still pretty sad... that she left me for him at the time it really hurt . I don't know what to say some days are good other days I just want to sleep all day or crawl in a hole and die I'm so tired of being ALONE, it's been almost 3 years I've been single and it's really getting to me.

I went through some rough times in the past 2 abortions with my x-gf (4.5yr relationship) and I always wonder what could have been, what it'd be like to have a family of my own that tends to haunt me every so often. I don't know how to get away from all the sadness in my life, I sometimes work up the energy to express it in art or something creative but usually I'm in no mood. I'd rather just sit around an do nothing/ go nowhere. I feel loved by some friends and family, but that doesn't seem to matter to me these days. Anyways I don't where I'm going with this post it's a bit messy any suggestions of overcoming this low-point in my life would be great.

Thanks in advance

 

[DexterMeth]

Psyfiend: you have a lot in common with most of us here, at least me. Here's my take on your problem: you don't settle for lower-end women period, but you can't stay sober long enough to get a 10. It's possible. Just stay sober. You're not going to trip your way to heaven.

 

[Vaya]

We have a lot in common (you and I), as DexterMeth so aptly pointed out.

I don't know how to get away from all the sadness in my life, I sometimes work up the energy to express it in art or something creative but usually I'm in no mood.

What kinds of activities do you find creative?

~ vaya

 

[psyfiend]

Thanks for the replies

Psyfiend: you have a lot in common with most of us here, at least me. Here's my take on your problem: you don't settle for lower-end women period, but you can't stay sober long enough to get a 10. It's possible. Just stay sober. You're not going to trip your way to heaven.

Yeah, I guess I'm kinda picky with women (sure they can be beautiful on the outside but they need an education of something or else I'll just get bored). It seems I try too hard with some (and they tend to just leave) or I just don't try at all with others because I''m not that interested. I'm really trying to stay sober it's just hard when you have nothing to look forward to waking up every morning.

We have a lot in common (you and I), as DexterMeth so aptly pointed out.

What kinds of activities do you find creative?

~ vaya

I used to love drawing, but I lack inspiration and don't really have any good ideas.

Playing guitar I haven't touched it in months now):

I recently started to learn piano/keybord with the help of some old friends.

I've been trying to learn Ableton Live by watching tutorials to try and hopefully produce some full on psy trance one day.

 

[DexterMeth]

I'll tell you what to look forward too.. waking up with a 10. You have to make yourself a 10 first as well. It's not impossible.. well, alot of it has to do with luck and genes, but most people are simply lazy.

 

[Vaya]

I used to love drawing, but I lack inspiration and don't really have any good ideas.

Playing guitar I haven't touched it in months now):

I recently started to learn piano/keybord with the help of some old friends.

I've been trying to learn Ableton Live by watching tutorials to try and hopefully produce some full on psy trance one day.

Ha! we're just too much alike, then.
I use, religiously, Traktor Pro 2 w/ Kontrol X1, Ableton Live 8, etc. for production and DJing EDM. I'm also a pretty darn good drummer who got rusty during college years when I couldnt have my kit with me, but have recently gotten smoothly back into it when I give myself the time! Your guitar skills will return - you get out what you put in, though.

And drawing has been a creative outlet of mine since I was, like six LOL. I found that there are a world of mediums used to draw, sketch and paint out there which broadened my horizons; I became eager to use, say, pastels instead of crayons and markers, or oil paint instead of acrylic or water (yuck). So I begin to test their properties out, and the pictures come of themselves. All you'd need is a little bit of faith in that process.

Dive into this!!

~ vaya

 

[psyfiend]

@ Vaya : I don't draw much, I made a few paintings but but I can never finish them I'm just not in the mood. Well for music producing like psy trance I'd really love too!!!! I talked to a few artists I know and they told me I'd have to invest in quite a bit of money into hardware to be able to create what I want to do because my laptop isn't sufficient . I also get really bored of sitting in front of the computer and staring at a screen for hours on end.

So it`s been a while since I`ve updated on my current situation.

- Had one girlfriend nothing serious though and a few random one nighters (boring).
- Had two real jobs both were just awful such horrible work conditions (stressful, dangeorus, physical exhaustion, overworked, underpaid, my bosses were ridiculous) and obviously I quit!
- Still going out on and off to random parties

Never fully managed to quit doing k, I manage to go a week or so without it max and if it's not around I lean towards binge drinking (it`s cheap, takes the pain away).

I really can`t figure out what I should do with myself some days... I don't know if it's the weather, or that I still live alone, or the fact that 95% of my friends (and yeah they're ALL pretty fucked up to...) live far about 20kms away from me.

I feel SO DEPRESSED and LONELY some days I just stay in bed and sleep maybe 15 hours a day...

- I can't find a job I like doing
- I hate daylight.
- I hate my neighbourhood, the people around here are not my crowd I also can't move away.

I hate feeling this way about life or things in general, I do my best to stay busy but nothing works. I get very bored, distracted easily.

I call friends up to hang out not many friends call me because I live far, in general I find myself to be a loner, not too materialistic but I can easily go out and spend the money I saved from working on random possessions that never make me happy.

Thanks for reading! Not sure what kind of responses I'll get from this post/my update, I simply can't pinpoint the help I truly need to motivate myself or to feel good about life in general again and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

[junkieman412]

Sorry this is long as hell dude im bored and can't sleep.

I DJ'd for years and still produce, doing that really introduced me to serious people but really if you're hearts into it you can have fun being sober at a rave... Its really really hard for me. Im like a kid in a candy store and I know too many people like me.

I cut out a big jaded raver rant.. It might have been a big family back in the day but everyones out for themselves now. From most promoters on down to the dealers. I'll go out a few times a year but be glad if you were around for something that felt real.

I stepped away from it you can't go hard like that you're whole life man. After my mid 20s I let it go. Life hits and you have to make the choice. Rave or grow up get and keep a job and all that good shit lol. I will however never let the music go.
I've met the most amazing, talented, and just all around good people through being immersed in all of it. Its who I am.
But real talk, at least currently, fuck the scene. Shit disgusts me really.

And for me playing chemist on myself led me to horrible polydrug abuse.
As for the relationship troubles...
Shit, everyone close to me right now has issues with that shit. Parents, aunts, friends, neighbors. Lol Im glad Im not going through the shit I've heard just this week in that department. Good luck I fucking suck at picking them.

Live is the shit too I learn something everyday. I nerd out on producing. Live is so intuitive and fun to use. It keeps me out of trouble for real. It takes me away from boredom, depression, my own head. Keep at it.
I'm thinking about going to school for IT. I've worked in the field. I should go for sound engineering because i have it in me 100%.
You could do something like that. Theres money out there now in EDM, I'm seeing my friends on fucking MTV FFS lol.