sick and tired of running from myself

[AsnJoe]

my depression has gotten to the best of me. i cant find a reason to get out of bed any more. other than going to work. i cant hold a steady relationship due to my emotional problems and i cant seem to say that ive got friends because they dont know the real me. i've been putting a front on for too long and the battle i've been waging on myself has worn me down. its ended so many relationships that could have been great due to the way i act and treat them, its not because im taking my anger out on them but im never fully able to open up to them. i always close up and never let them close to me at all emotionally. and i used to love getting high but now i just smoke weed to escape from the pain. it literally feels empty where my heart. and i cant remember the last time i got angry because i just stuff it into pandoras box in the back of my head. ive been to plenty of shrinks but it hasnt helped.

i've comtemplated suicide many times. but its changed now. i have one last fight in me and thats to decide to end it all and i really dont think i have it in me to win it. i'm not the type of person to ask for help but here i am, calling in for reinforcements....i just hope it doesnt go unanswered.

sorry for the whole fragmented sob story. i have a problem with putting things down on paper. what can i say...im a shit writer

 

[slackhands]

my depression has gotten to the best of me. i cant find a reason to get out of bed any more. other than going to work. i cant hold a steady relationship due to my emotional problems and i cant seem to say that ive got friends because they dont know the real me. i've been putting a front on for too long and the battle i've been waging on myself has worn me down. its ended so many relationships that could have been great due to the way i act and treat them, its not because im taking my anger out on them but im never fully able to open up to them. i always close up and never let them close to me at all emotionally. and i used to love getting high but now i just smoke weed to escape from the pain. it literally feels empty where my heart. and i cant remember the last time i got angry because i just stuff it into pandoras box in the back of my head. ive been to plenty of shrinks but it hasnt helped.

i've comtemplated suicide many times. but its changed now. i have one last fight in me and thats to decide to end it all and i really dont think i have it in me to win it. i'm not the type of person to ask for help but here i am, calling in for reinforcements....i just hope it doesnt go unanswered.

sorry for the whole fragmented sob story. i have a problem with putting things down on paper. what can i say...im a shit writer

Keep calm m8. Relax, life is too short to be overwhelmed by it all. Smile, and watch out for that bus

 

[Jean-Paul]

yeah, it's very simple! SMILE!!!! lol i am sorry,

well, don't kill yourself. get some fucking help. i know it hasn't helped before, but death = nothing. this is better than death. so wait it out or continue to seek out. you are better off than dead. you cared enough to make a thread here, eh? good luck

 

[Coraline]

Hang in there. I have been where you are. Things do get better.

 

[badfish45]

It's okay, not all of us are the english majors that I see on this forum. I feel actually very connected to you in a way because I struggle with a few emotional disorders and it affects my relationships with my friends and all the people that I love very much so. Also, around last september when I joined this forum I felt the exact same way. The only reason I'd ever bother to move was for school, and that's just because my parents would have found a way to make my life an ever bigger hell because they had no idea what was going on with me but I often chose to isolate myself and sort of sulk and bask in my depression, letting it sort of flow into me. Let me tell you this considering I was suicidal and yet I'm sitting here today. Life does get better. You just need to hang in there because this is something that will pass as well. Remember, moods never stick around. You're never happy all of the time, you're never laughing all of the time, so what makes you think that you're going to be depressed all of the time? Depression does have a great way of prolonging itself because it almost creates its own world and only lets you see what it wants you to see, and that always depressed me too. Just hang in there, you should try to go see a therapist and learn some ways to cope with your depression, I know I managed to find a few healthy alternatives to releasing my stress, anger and depression, all without using drugs. I felt extremely accomplished after learning them and even just something small like that is what took the tiny baby steps to help me feel better. Just remember that you're doing this for yourself and it's something worth fighting for because you deserve to be happy. Remember, if you're ever feelings suicidal please go check out the Suicide Support Thread (link is in my signature if you look down below ) And always make sure that you call an emergency line if you feel like you're going to go through with it, or even just have a friend who you know will listen to you. If you need to talk to me, just send me a PM and I'll give you my MSN and we will talk.

Best wishes

 

[thegent]

I know what you're going through, brother.

Have you asked your "WHY do I feel empty?" There is a reason why we do drugs and feel a need to escape, and it generally has to do with not fulfilling our purpose in life. People simply escape too much, yet when you're not on your course you will feel it. Have you looked into therapy? Do you meditate? Do you know what your purpose is? If not, what are some goals in your life?

 

[herbavore]

I am so glad that you took the time and effort to post. It is a huge effort when you are depressed, I know. Lately I have been asking myself what it is in life that I know I want to change and the answers are often very scary. Fighting fear is one of the most difficult tasks we face. Most of us learn to run from it or, as you so aptly put it, stuff it in a box at the back of our minds. Depression comes, I think when that box begins to overflow. I think that thegent is spot on in asking what it is that makes you feel empty. The most common causes are lack of self esteem and a sense of hopelessness. We live in image-driven societies that force feed us images of constant happiness based on impossible perfection. No wonder so many feel hopeless---constant happiness is a myth and surface perfection is by nature unattainable. Not allowing ourselves to be victims to these narrowly prescribed ways of perceiving is crucial to sidestepping this whole soul-killing syndrome. It takes intention first and practice second. It is a life-long endeavor, but one which pays out many surprising rewards along the way.

It sounds like you have reached the point of real crisis and I hope that you will do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe while you are in this vulnerable place. Many of us on this forum have been suicidal or are currently. We can empathize from shared experience. It is scary and you need to feel support to get through it--sometimes minute by minute or hour by hour. Whatever support you can put in place IRL you should not hesitate to do. Is there one friend or family member that you could confide in?

 

[Faster Than Light]

i've comtemplated suicide many times. but its changed now. i have one last fight in me and thats to decide to end it all and i really dont think i have it in me to win it. i'm not the type of person to ask for help but here i am, calling in for reinforcements....i just hope it doesnt go unanswered.

I hear you loud and clear, AsnJoe. A lot of the things you wrote, I could've written myself. Sometimes one of the worst things about severe, chronic, grinding depression is feeling so very fucking alone. You're not alone in the feeling of being worn down by the fight. You're not alone in feeling like you can't make contact with the people around you. For what it's worth, there are people out here who are in the same kind of fight and have some idea how bad it can be. I'm thinking of you and hoping very much that you keep asking for help--here and elsewhere. Be as kind to yourself as you can.

 

[n3ophy7e]

my depression has gotten to the best of me. i cant find a reason to get out of bed any more. other than going to work. i cant hold a steady relationship due to my emotional problems and i cant seem to say that ive got friends because they dont know the real me. i've been putting a front on for too long and the battle i've been waging on myself has worn me down. its ended so many relationships that could have been great due to the way i act and treat them, its not because im taking my anger out on them but im never fully able to open up to them. i always close up and never let them close to me at all emotionally. and i used to love getting high but now i just smoke weed to escape from the pain. it literally feels empty where my heart. and i cant remember the last time i got angry because i just stuff it into pandoras box in the back of my head. ive been to plenty of shrinks but it hasnt helped.

Far out man, I can so totally relate to all of this. I really feel for you
Please don't give up yet, there is so much time left for you to turn things around and to be happy. I'm in a similar place as you at the moment, although I've finally found a good therapist who is working really well with me and I'm finally starting to work through my issues. It's fucking hard but it's going to be SO worth it. I believe that all those psych specialists that I've seen in the past didn't work because a) some of them were just not good at their job, but more importantly b) it's because I was never really able to open up to them properly, just like you can't. So I know what that's like mate. I know it's hard.
Do you know the reasons why you can't open up to people? You don't have to discuss it in the public forum if you're not comfortable doing so, but if you want to chat about it one-on-one please feel free to PM me, as I'm currently exploring this about myself at the moment.

Take care, and don't be afraid to speak up about how you're feeling in here, that's what this forum is here for after all!

 

[AsnJoe]

Far out man, I can so totally relate to all of this. I really feel for you
Please don't give up yet, there is so much time left for you to turn things around and to be happy. I'm in a similar place as you at the moment, although I've finally found a good therapist who is working really well with me and I'm finally starting to work through my issues. It's fucking hard but it's going to be SO worth it. I believe that all those psych specialists that I've seen in the past didn't work because a) some of them were just not good at their job, but more importantly b) it's because I was never really able to open up to them properly, just like you can't. So I know what that's like mate. I know it's hard.
Do you know the reasons why you can't open up to people? You don't have to discuss it in the public forum if you're not comfortable doing so, but if you want to chat about it one-on-one please feel free to PM me, as I'm currently exploring this about myself at the moment.

Take care, and don't be afraid to speak up about how you're feeling in here, that's what this forum is here for after all!

i never really had a social life. i didnt want to bring my friends from school home because the way my stepdad acts and treats people. he was always the one putting me down, beating me when something that i didnt do or cause happened. he used to lock me in the basement as punishment sometimes. he stopped treating me like that when i enlisted but it was probably because if he did try to do something i'd fucking kill him.

I know what you're going through, brother.

Have you asked your "WHY do I feel empty?" There is a reason why we do drugs and feel a need to escape, and it generally has to do with not fulfilling our purpose in life. People simply escape too much, yet when you're not on your course you will feel it. Have you looked into therapy? Do you meditate? Do you know what your purpose is? If not, what are some goals in your life?

i feel empty because i seems that i was never loved. my stepdads a cunt, my sister got all the attention and my mom never really did anything about what he did to me. and i rarely saw my bio dad even though i moved in with him a few years back. i've tried therapy but it never worked out for me and i tried meditating a few times but my ADHD keeps me from sitting still. ever since i got out of the military i've been travelling the world, its taught me how to talk to people but i never feel a real connection between anyone i meet. and i dont really have goals in life because i live life day by day since everytime i try to make plans something always seem to go wrong.

the only one that really knows about my problem is my old sergeant but hes away from home and so am i. so i havent really talked to him in a while. my parents dont even know about my problems since i dont really get along with all of them. last time i spoke to them was a few years ago. and i rarely talk to my sister even though she on my FB.