I.V. Methamphetamine Obsession. Sober, but losing my mind.

[snazzy_sn]

I didn't post on the megathread or whatever because the whole I.V. thing. Well... I'm one of those who thinks they're special because they use needles which I know is complete bullshit but it's whatever.

It doesn't even seem like the same drug.
I dunno, it may not be relevant but I also love heroin. But not the same. Not like I love speed.

I've been using meth since i was 14, my mom made it, I never had any problems with it.
It wasn't until June when my girlfriend left me and I dropped out of college that I began using it intravenously.
It was something completely different.
Just typing this and thinking about it completely blows my mind (in an awful awful way)

Anyways, over the last eight months I've been in and out of jail, homeless, on the run, been in a shootout, slept with a dude on a matress in a toolshed with his dog in between us so it wouldn't be gay, watched pornography with two homosexuals (one of them in a tootoo balarina skirt type thing) while this gorgeous redhead talked about jesus on the floor, been involved in the drug trade, shared bloody liquified dope with a strange indian girl at the bus station, and just been through complete hell.

So it's been one and a half months. I ran from it all back to my family. To The Middle of Nowhere, TX: pop. 1000 My initial idea was to save money, say goodbye to loved ones, and blow all my money and finally end my life inside of a beautiful girl in a dirty motel room while she sticks me in the neck with a MASSIVE speedball (like frickin' 400 units of shit) and simultaneously strangles me.

But I'm doing well right now. I have an awesome girlfriend, my family loves me, I'm holding down a job, I'm getting my material things back...
I'm not sure what I want to do anymore, the only thing I know is that despite the fact that it's been almost two months...

IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT EVERRRRRR
I go to sleep and I'm thinking about it, I wake up and I'm thinking about it, I take a shower, i'm at work I'm walking to work, and having sex with my girlfriend.... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT
The best solution I've come up with so far is being drunk all the time. But this won't remain a viable option forever as this is starting to have a major affect on my health and relationships.

I'm 21. Two months ago I was resigned to being dead and empty inside and sticking myself with needles until I died at 27 (at the oldest)

I'm just rambling. Can't help it. Comes with the territory of thinking about this shit.

Oh and I've done A.A., I've done N.A., I've been going to rehabs since I was like 15. Sometimes in earnest.
Maybe I should start playing with LSD and DMT and mushrooms again? I mean I'm at a complete loss here.

If anyone can interpret this (who has used MASSIVE doses of I.V. meth) and give me any advice I'd much appreciate it.

 

[badfish45]

First off,I advise strongly against using any other drugs at this point. Stop drinking to cope with this because I guarantee you it won't work. You're only going to dig yourself deeper into a whole. You need to understand that these cravings are perfectly normal. Urges won't last forever, they will always go away after a while, but you need to be willing to fight through them in order to stay clean. A good method is to write down all of the good reasons for staying clean, it will help calm you down and get it off your mind, and even motivate you. It's worth trying

 

[Dave]

Okay, that's a hell of a post there snazzy.

First of all, you're still clean off meth, yes? That's a HUGE, gargantuan accomplishment. IV meth has the single worst rates of recovery of any drug. Period. A month and a half is nothing to sneeze at, and I'm really glad to hear that you've made it thus far.

The problem, of course, is that you're still fixated on it. Which, and I can't stress this enough is completely normal, and understandable. It is going to take a long time to get properly past this, but know that every week, every day that you stay clean allows your body and mind to heal itself a little bit more. Stay the course.

Of course, I fully agree that taking other drugs, especially one as harmful as alcohol, isn't a good idea. The problem, though, is that you still have that psychological fixation, and are using the alcohol to self-medicate. Trying to muzzle the gorilla that's still on your back. You say that you've been to rehabs, and that's all fine and good, but are you seeing a psychologist by any chance? Not a drug counselor, but a psychologist. While the original source was biochemical, you're past the acute phase of withdrawal now, and are dealing with a psychological obsession that needs treatment. You've also been using for a significant portion of your life, and are still adjusting to being meth-free. That will take time. Treat the obsession with meth, and your death fantasy (I suspect) will go with it.

In the meanwhile, what are you doing to fill the gap in your life that removing your addiction has left? You're working, you have a girlfriend, but do you have any hobbies? Any healthy pastimes? Many people who relapse do so out of boredom. I could offer suggestions, but it's you who should be trying new things. It's only by doing that that you'll be able to find what you love doing.

 

[TJ5]

I've been a user of meth on an off 30 yrs, the last 12 IVing. Its a bitch for a while. I did have 2 yrs clean off all drugs an alcohol an Tramadol fucked that all up in the end. I recommend a book, "Sex, Drugs, Gambling,& Chocolate" by Dr. A. Thomas Horvath. Its especially helpful if 12 Step Program is not for you, as this is the practical scientific approach. I can only tell you that learning helpful tools actually helped me to moderate my using to 4 times a year, clean 90-120 days with one wk off to use. I couldnt hang with tweakers or have the shit in my place, unless it was during one of my planned vacations where I didnt drive, work, or leave the house. My 2 yrs ended when confronted with a job that would not let me have the unpaid time off which sucked, and if you think abstinence is rough, moderation can be twice as challenging, but I think the book would be helpful. If I had the money, Id travel to Canada and try Ibogaine. Im not so sure how well it is with meth detox, but some claim it did work. Best of luck.

 

[effie]

Huge congratulations on getting clean snazzy!

The fact that you have remained clean, in the face of such huge psychological torment, is something you should be very proud of! I'm glad you recognise that being drunk all the time is not viable as well, too many times we swap one addiction for another - once we are used to using a drug in that way, it is an extremely hard pattern to break.

I don't have any magic solutions for you, but I agree very much with Dave's post. This is entirely normal and you are not alone. I feel that a psychologist, quite possibly using an active form of therapy, could help you hugely now..

Filling your time is also essential. I understand that even when you are doing these things you will be thinking of meth, but that is a lot better than sitting doing nothing and thinking about it. Exercise is fantastic for body and mind, or finding something you are passionate about, even something that gives you an adrenaline boost maybe could help you. What do you think?

Does your girlfriend know how you feel? Is she supportive?

Good luck!

 

[phoenixrain88]

"Gay" and "homosexuals" is a recurrent theme throughout your post. Perhaps your latent homosexuality drives you to stick yourself with meth, as it might drive a homosexual to stick himself with a penis.

(I'm gay myself. This post is in complete jest. Other LGBTQIAT WXYZ people need not be offended.)

 

[snazzy_sn]

phoenixrain, I didn't keep bringing it up in a critical way, I was just telling little bits of my story.

I've tried exercise, I've tried writing (I do this a lot anyways, and despite my sloppiness in writing this post, I actually aspire to write books for a living) which is something I happen to be passionate about. Problem is, everything I write somehow ends up being about I.V. drug use. Hobbies? I used to play a lot of online games, which now seem dull, I used to fanatic about music but once again everything somehow ends up reminding me of shooting up.

The closest psychiatrist to where I live is about three hours away, I have no insurance, and despite my family having some wealth they don't have enough to spend or the time it would take traveling to visit a psychiatrist.

My girlfriend has never been anywhere close to where I've been and to the things I've experienced.
I've told her about them, and her support is phenomenal. Problem is, she doesn't understand. Nobody in my life right now has the foggiest idea of what I'm experiencing.

I decided to check this post because I can't sleep.
I keep having very vivid visualization of the act of injecting myself and the rush that follows.
My brain feels like a dog chasing it's tail if that makes any sense.

I want to go back out. My families support and the love of this girl are holding me back, but as I've proven time and time again, these things aren't enough.
This whole world of normalcy feels like a facade. An act. A fabrication. Like it's all here to distract me until I'm sitting in a dark, sordid place, squirting bloody water on my shoe, sharpening my point on my leather watch.

I don't want it though. I know deep down I don't want it. I never want to be there again. I just don't know if it's in my power to do anything about it in the end.

It's like I'm slowly walking towards a cliff, enjoying the scenery, taking in the color and light one last time before I fall to my death.

I would do anything to never have to go back. I wish god would like show himself to me in a flash of light. Something. Ahhh. Ha.

 

[footscrazy]

I can relate to your cravings. I had a long addiction to meth and used to crave so hard I felt physically incapacitated, I'd lie down and curl up because they were so physically intense. One time in hospital I was hooked up to a heart monitor (after taking too much meth, of course) so I thought I'd do an experiment - think about meth and kick a strong craving in. I did, and the alarm on the heart monitor went off my heart rate raised that much, just by thinking about it. That showed me what I always knew, that cravings, while they might be 'in the mind', have a very real physical aspect too. I HATE the feeling.

I'm over a year off meth now and the cravings have really dropped in intensity. One and a half months isn't long. It took 2 months for me to start feeling 'normal' and for the cravings to drop to a bearable level. Even now, I still crave, I still get a rush of adrenaline when I think about meth. If I really thought hard about it I could get cravings back to the intensity of before, but I try not to think about it. I still think about it a lot, but the cravings have lost their salience. It's more just a shadow of what they were before, like that cravey part of me hasn't given up yet, but it's only putting in a half hearted effort. They don't take over me like before, these days I can exist alongside them and just notice they're there, but that's it. It kind of makes me laugh sometimes, that the meth addict is still kicking on inside of me after all this time, but it doesn't scare me anymore, it's just another aspect of my life, pretty much a neutral at this stage. I believe that you can get to this stage too, if you keep on staying off it. It's worth it. I thought there was no point in life without meth, but it turns out life's ok without it.

 

[snazzy_sn]

oops. messed up. x.x

 

[herbavore]

Hi, snazzy. Messed up as in succumbed to a craving? I'm going to say what I say a lot on here. Pretend like you are someone else, a friend. If your friend "messed up" would you tell them that it was hopeless, an inevitable giving in, or would you try to tell them that it was just a misstep and encourage them towards optimism? We can be so fatalistic and shaming with ourselves in a way that we never would with others. I hope that you will be kind, forgiving and gentle with yourself.

P.S. You are a beautiful writer.

 

[DexterMeth]

Maybe I should start playing with LSD and DMT and mushrooms again? I mean I'm at a complete loss here.

You are not going to trip you way out of the shit you're in, but you could easily make it worse doing so.
I would go back to NA/AA if I were you and give it a serious try this time.

Just like life, it's only as good as you yourself make it.

 

[dani1994]

I can totally relate and your family or girlfriend probably wont ever but the fact that they are supportive is huge. If I used to think about shooting dope my hands would literally get clammy and I could feel the rush that followed. I had to try to stop those thoughts and redirect my thinking to anything else so I couldnt get to the end which was the "rush" although imagined I got at the end of the thought. It was very hard and I wasn't always successful but the more I did it the easier it was. When I was in rehab I would lay in bed and do it just to get some kind of high. The mental obsession for me was much harder to kick than the physical. I busied myself, I prayed (although not a religious fanatic), l did whatever I could to get my mind on positive things. I had to find out what those were for me. I had to find other ways to get a good felling besides using. I used for many years too and it was more unnatural to be clean that high. It was my best friend and I mourned the loss of it. But that obsession DID pass eventually after a lot of hard work learning myself again clean. So I feel for you but quoting one of my favorite movies, "get busy living, or get busy dying" Good Luck