pammy
Bluelighter
I feel so alone and in constant pain inside,never felt loved by anybody in all my life,i crave to feel loved but i must be unlovable as im now 32 and its not happened yet,feel like giving up completly.
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Mental Health Depression MEGA Thread - DepressionTalk + Over 100 Links of Info
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Welcome to TDS
Just because it's not happened yet does not mean it's not gonna happen. I'm around the same age as you, and I take the view that (as I left home at 16) I've had less than 1/4 of my life as an adult/under my own control. That's still plenty of time for things to happen, and these things (cliché as it sounds) do have a habit of happening when you least expect it.
It's easy when you're depressed to devalue yourself 'i must be unlovable' as you said. I really doubt that's true, I know it's hard to look beyond what you're seeing in yourself when you're in a low, the hardest part of my depression for me is always working on reminding myself that what I see in myself might be wrong.
Do you have any kind of support for your depression, meds, therapy etc?
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peckergnat
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2011
- Messages
- 7
After battling depression for several years I finally sought help. The most important thing I need to work on is my negative self talk. I have to put more faith in myself.
The psych saw prescribed me cymbalta 60 mg to lift my mood and mirtazapine at night for sleep. After gaining several pounds in a few weeks I stopped the mirtazapine. It made me sleep like a baby, but didn't like the added weight. I ran out of my cymbalta for a week before I got my mail order refill and the withdrawal was not what I was expecting. Constant ringing in my ears, dizziness and what I described as brain bursts happening. I will make sure that does not happen again. I think I am doing better, it's only been about five months. I just know I deserve to be better.
The psych saw prescribed me cymbalta 60 mg to lift my mood and mirtazapine at night for sleep. After gaining several pounds in a few weeks I stopped the mirtazapine. It made me sleep like a baby, but didn't like the added weight. I ran out of my cymbalta for a week before I got my mail order refill and the withdrawal was not what I was expecting. Constant ringing in my ears, dizziness and what I described as brain bursts happening. I will make sure that does not happen again. I think I am doing better, it's only been about five months. I just know I deserve to be better.
^ you definitely deserve to be better, and the fact that you realise it shows that depression does not have a grip around your soul right now, even if things aren't perfect! Sorry to hear about what happened when you ran out of your meds - SSRI discontinuation syndrome can be pretty unpleasant (although it does ease up..) but very glad to hear that you are doing better 
Do you think it is the medication that has made the difference, or have there been other things too? (Tharapy, lifestyle changes etc...)
Do you think it is the medication that has made the difference, or have there been other things too? (Tharapy, lifestyle changes etc...)
peckergnat
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2011
- Messages
- 7
I've been doing some therapy and iy seems to helped a little bit. The biggest change occurred after I went to five day investment in character seminar that my company is sponsoring for all employees. It was by the Pacific Institute. I was quite skeptical of the whole thing going in, by day three it clicked. It donned on me to stop feeding this negative image I have about myself. It's hard not to and I still battle it everyday. There was some BS in the lectures but some parts sunk in. I try to do daily affirmations in the morning and before bed.
The cymbalta has lifted my mood. My pyschologist still thinks I need the mgs upped. I go back to the psychiatrist in a few weeks and she will decide if that is the case. I know I need something to replace my remeron. Lunesta doesn't work half the time. I have trouble sleeping. I wake up a couple hours after falling asleep and am lucky to get any more rest that night. Going to sleep isn't the problem. It's just staying there.
I do take a xanax once in awhile for anxiety attacks, but that is happening a lot less the past few months. I used to have a couple a week. It's been a month since I had one. I felt one coming on when I ran out of my cymbalta, but was able to work through it.
The cymbalta has lifted my mood. My pyschologist still thinks I need the mgs upped. I go back to the psychiatrist in a few weeks and she will decide if that is the case. I know I need something to replace my remeron. Lunesta doesn't work half the time. I have trouble sleeping. I wake up a couple hours after falling asleep and am lucky to get any more rest that night. Going to sleep isn't the problem. It's just staying there.
I do take a xanax once in awhile for anxiety attacks, but that is happening a lot less the past few months. I used to have a couple a week. It's been a month since I had one. I felt one coming on when I ran out of my cymbalta, but was able to work through it.
pammy
Bluelighter
Thanks for your reply,im under the mental health act as diagnosed with bipolar?i dont have any support from any of my so called family i have nothing to do with them as they have caused me so much pain,i was abused by steofather from the age of ten and my mum blamed me for it.This causes me so much pain that my mood drops veryu low to the point that i want to give up i do have a very close friend though who has really been there for me lately i feel very lucky indeed to have him in my life.Welcome to TDS
Just because it's not happened yet does not mean it's not gonna happen. I'm around the same age as you, and I take the view that (as I left home at 16) I've had less than 1/4 of my life as an adult/under my own control. That's still plenty of time for things to happen, and these things (cliché as it sounds) do have a habit of happening when you least expect it.
It's easy when you're depressed to devalue yourself 'i must be unlovable' as you said. I really doubt that's true, I know it's hard to look beyond what you're seeing in yourself when you're in a low, the hardest part of my depression for me is always working on reminding myself that what I see in myself might be wrong.
Do you have any kind of support for your depression, meds, therapy etc?
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Learning to starve out the negative self-talk is a monumental feat. That is really good news! I truly believe that all the non-drug therapies are better for you in the long run. That doesn't mean there is no place for anti-depressants, etc. but they all come with a price to pay whereas learning to cope with non-drug techniques is like building muscle. It's not a drug, it's you.
I'm glad you have someone for support - I'm the same, I have one close friend who provides me amazing support, but my family is not at all close for one reason or another.
I'd also point out that if you have a very negative self image, it's very hard for people to get close to you. In a depressive mindset you devote so much time and energy to hating and hiding aspects of yourself you dislike, it actually ends up being daunting and confusing armour for other people to penetrate. I've seen this from both sides, with my own depression and with an depressed ex-partner. Working past this, maybe with therapy if you can get access, would probably help you a lot.
I know getting mental heath support out of the NHS at the moment is like getting blood from a stone, but it might be worth speaking to your doctor to see what options are available for you.
Good luck
pammy
Bluelighter
@sheffsam,Hi hope you are well?i do believe that i could do with some proper therapy of some sort?im apparantly awaiting on psychology but no chance anytime soon as you said like blood from a stone.I just cant help but believe most of the time that i do deserve to feel like this as my own family have blamed me for problems that have been caused and also blamed me for what happened with my step dad growing up.Iv never ever had anybody close to me atall before but as scary as it may seem most of the time about a year ago i met such a lovely,loyal,true one and only best friend ever, i still find it hard to believe just how lucky i am.For the first time i feel at ease with a person. iv never been truely relaxed before as i always fear the worst,but one thing i do need to do though(and my friend says this so i know it must be true)is to try and not worry about the smallest of things,i cant seem to help it i dont mean to but i get so insecure at times i panic.Im so so lucky to have him in my life he has all the patience and time in the world for me i know im more fortunate than some so i shouldnt have any complaints i suppose,have you any advice atall on how i could manage my insecurities please?i get so scared at times because my emotions are messed up so bad like iv said before i dont know how it feels to not be numb all of the time,but the past year iv experienced feelings that i thought didnt exist,iv always thought that i was maybe expecting too much from people in my life thats why iv been alone up until last year but my close friend has shown me differently,in the past its as though iv been spending my money all the time or just basically getting used, but when im in need of help theres nobody there for me peoples backs are turned,im no use to them any more basically.My close friend has ALWAYS been there for me no matter what,wether im having a good day or a bad day,wether im in pain,ill etc and this to me is totally priceless but still get insecure at times i honestly cant help it.I left my very abusive ex partner feb2011 so i think that being with him feeling trapped and helpless for five years whilst he beat me so badly hasnt helped atall also,he had some sort of control over me and i feeel very angry with myself for letting this happen,outsiders knew what was going on i just felt terrified all the time.I lost my 2 boys at the time my eldest was 8,and then had baby with ex who was adopted away from us due to the domestic abuse he was 9months old.Looking back now i reckon im probably doing better now than ever iv made fresh start ,got my own flat bought all new things for it etc,but im just so upset at the mental scars that have been left behind will they ever start to heal properly?i wish i knew this answer.(Sorry for the essay)
@ pammy
As it happens I had a bit of a rough day, went to see my close friend/ex, as she's deeply stressed out as people have been saying she intended her baby harm during the period of post-natal depression she had last year. I spoke to her a lot during that period and know for a fact that was never something that she considered, so I'm a little frustrated with the lack of empathy and downright idiocy some people can produce sometimes.
It may take up to a year for your referral to happen with the psychologist, that was roughly the time it took for me.
Try not to be forced into blaming yourself because other people are sounding off, ultimately only you know the full story of what happened with your stepdad, so don't let the opinions of people who don't have all the details colour your perception of yourself.
In regards to managing your insecurities - I hear good things about CBT (clicky), a lot of insecurities and the coping methods we use to get round them are habit-based, and CBT as I understand it is about trying to change those thought processes. Other members on here are better informed than me and such things and will hopefully swoop in to correct me if I've got that wildly wrong. While it might take a while to get a referral, there are some websites out there that offer some guidance toward DIY, most notably moodgym.
On the last part of your post, bluntly put, that's some pretty heavy shit. I can fully understand why you're having such a struggle at the moment, those are all deeply overwhelming things to deal with. I can empathise a lot - one of my exs came out of an abusive relationship 6 months or so before we got together. The final straw for her had come when the guy in question broke her arm. It took her a long while to recover from what he'd done to her mentally, and it was an incredibly painful process to watch in someone I cared about deeply. She did get there though, and while I think mental scars are something I think you always carry, the task of doing so gets easier with both time and help. I think this will apply to you too, so hold out hope for yourself, things can and will get better. From what you've said, hopefully that process has already started.
As it happens I had a bit of a rough day, went to see my close friend/ex, as she's deeply stressed out as people have been saying she intended her baby harm during the period of post-natal depression she had last year. I spoke to her a lot during that period and know for a fact that was never something that she considered, so I'm a little frustrated with the lack of empathy and downright idiocy some people can produce sometimes.
It may take up to a year for your referral to happen with the psychologist, that was roughly the time it took for me.
Try not to be forced into blaming yourself because other people are sounding off, ultimately only you know the full story of what happened with your stepdad, so don't let the opinions of people who don't have all the details colour your perception of yourself.
In regards to managing your insecurities - I hear good things about CBT (clicky), a lot of insecurities and the coping methods we use to get round them are habit-based, and CBT as I understand it is about trying to change those thought processes. Other members on here are better informed than me and such things and will hopefully swoop in to correct me if I've got that wildly wrong. While it might take a while to get a referral, there are some websites out there that offer some guidance toward DIY, most notably moodgym.
On the last part of your post, bluntly put, that's some pretty heavy shit. I can fully understand why you're having such a struggle at the moment, those are all deeply overwhelming things to deal with. I can empathise a lot - one of my exs came out of an abusive relationship 6 months or so before we got together. The final straw for her had come when the guy in question broke her arm. It took her a long while to recover from what he'd done to her mentally, and it was an incredibly painful process to watch in someone I cared about deeply. She did get there though, and while I think mental scars are something I think you always carry, the task of doing so gets easier with both time and help. I think this will apply to you too, so hold out hope for yourself, things can and will get better. From what you've said, hopefully that process has already started.
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TINK
Bluelighter
Well, I am off work again going on almost 3 months. My medical doctor refuses to attribute any of my medical conditions to my problems. I have chronic pain, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, autoimmune syndrome, hyrpothyroidism and dibilitating migraines, but states in my chart that all these issues are psychological. I have had chronic unmanaged depression and anxiety/panic attacks my entire life. The funny thing is that the doctor that says all my issues are psychological is treating me with physical medication such as pain meds and NSAIDS. He straight up told my psychiatrist that it was all in my head. So, my psychiatrist is doing the best he can but my depression and anxiety/panic attacks are not getting better. I am sleeping an average of 16-17 hours a day. I am totally exhausted all the time. My therapist suggested that I apply for permanent disability since we have exhausted all medications and treatment courses that are available. The problem is that it takes an average of 6 months to a year to get approved. This country is stupid. This is money I paid into the system for when I needed it and I need it. And another thing I am 6 hours away from my friends and family. If I move closer to them I will lose my job and my short term disability which means no money and most importantly no medical care. Oh fairy godmother where are you when I need you?
It sounds like a lot of you are having a really rough time 
, I'm really sorry to hear that. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression almost my whole life. It can get very overwhelming at time. It really hurts me when other people are hurt, so this prevents me from telling anyone I'm close to about my problems, and I can't tell anyone I'm not close to, because, well... that would be weird. I had to physically stop my friend the other day from burning a mosquito . The whole, anonymous thing, makes it pretty easy to vent. I feel very helpless at times. I've taken too much on purpose once, and went to sleep. It was terrible, the whole time I was nodding, I kept waking up and catching my breath. The entire time, all I could think about was what my mom looks like when she's crying, and what my dad looked like the one time I've seen him cry. I eventually fell asleep for a few hours and woke up with a very big headache. I haven't tried anything like this since, I wasn't like 100% sure it was going to work, but I thought I might have had enough, i don't know. I can't bring myself to try again because I just keep thinking about my parents crying, and the rest of my family and friends. I always feel this weird anxious kind of energy inside of me. Energy is a bad word for it, because it isn't useful, it's just uncomfortable, and just makes me move and jerk. If I try to hold myself from moving it gets sooo intense and I'll just jerk. It gets so much worse when I try to sleep. I didn't sleep last night even though I took an ambien, and the night before I got around 4 hours of sleep. The night before that I layed in the dark for around 3 hours, and I'm pretty sure I was asleep at some point during it. I'm so tired all the time, but so anxious at the same time. I can't seem to eat much at all. I force the food down because my stomach will feel so empty it hurts, but at a certain point it's difficult to swallow. I really wonder if I'm going to be able to handle this my whole life, I've been like this for so long... Things change, yea, but it seems to get worse sometimes, and my mood seems to stay relatively the same. I'm very skilled at pretending to be happy, to make other people happy. I'm really tired of putting myself out there to help people because I feel bad for them, and then just getting fucked over. I feel like I've been stuck in an existential crisis for a long time or something. I thought an existential crisis was supposed to be temporary, but I've looked it up and it seems similar. A lot of my thoughts go deeper, but I assume it's a very broad term. I'm tired of being in emotional and physical pain all the time. I've found relief in opiates/opioids, but how long is THAT gonna last? Ya know...? Maybe it can last forever if I'm careful with my tolerance, I don't know. I'm always so fucking tired and I can't sleep. My stomache feel so empty a lot, and it hard to eat anything. Weed helps with that, but it's been starting to make me anxious. I know you guys can't really help me, but I do like hearing the support from people in similar situations . Thanks for listening!
, I'm really sorry to hear that. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression almost my whole life. It can get very overwhelming at time. It really hurts me when other people are hurt, so this prevents me from telling anyone I'm close to about my problems, and I can't tell anyone I'm not close to, because, well... that would be weird. I had to physically stop my friend the other day from burning a mosquito . The whole, anonymous thing, makes it pretty easy to vent. I feel very helpless at times. I've taken too much on purpose once, and went to sleep. It was terrible, the whole time I was nodding, I kept waking up and catching my breath. The entire time, all I could think about was what my mom looks like when she's crying, and what my dad looked like the one time I've seen him cry. I eventually fell asleep for a few hours and woke up with a very big headache. I haven't tried anything like this since, I wasn't like 100% sure it was going to work, but I thought I might have had enough, i don't know. I can't bring myself to try again because I just keep thinking about my parents crying, and the rest of my family and friends. I always feel this weird anxious kind of energy inside of me. Energy is a bad word for it, because it isn't useful, it's just uncomfortable, and just makes me move and jerk. If I try to hold myself from moving it gets sooo intense and I'll just jerk. It gets so much worse when I try to sleep. I didn't sleep last night even though I took an ambien, and the night before I got around 4 hours of sleep. The night before that I layed in the dark for around 3 hours, and I'm pretty sure I was asleep at some point during it. I'm so tired all the time, but so anxious at the same time. I can't seem to eat much at all. I force the food down because my stomach will feel so empty it hurts, but at a certain point it's difficult to swallow. I really wonder if I'm going to be able to handle this my whole life, I've been like this for so long... Things change, yea, but it seems to get worse sometimes, and my mood seems to stay relatively the same. I'm very skilled at pretending to be happy, to make other people happy. I'm really tired of putting myself out there to help people because I feel bad for them, and then just getting fucked over. I feel like I've been stuck in an existential crisis for a long time or something. I thought an existential crisis was supposed to be temporary, but I've looked it up and it seems similar. A lot of my thoughts go deeper, but I assume it's a very broad term. I'm tired of being in emotional and physical pain all the time. I've found relief in opiates/opioids, but how long is THAT gonna last? Ya know...? Maybe it can last forever if I'm careful with my tolerance, I don't know. I'm always so fucking tired and I can't sleep. My stomache feel so empty a lot, and it hard to eat anything. Weed helps with that, but it's been starting to make me anxious. I know you guys can't really help me, but I do like hearing the support from people in similar situations . Thanks for listening!
I really don't know why i have been so utterly depressed and miserable as of late. Ive gone from just mildly depressed to majorly almost suicidal depression on and off the past few weeks. When i got a really bad flu i went off my seroquel (mainly because of the night sweats that where so bad it soaked the bed!), lamotrigine and wellbutrin. Now I'm going back on them one by one to see if i need to be on them all. I'm going to wait till next week to go on the bupropion again because Ive just started taking the seroquel again after going back on the lamotrigine. I am supposed to take 300mg's of seroquel a night as it takes atleast that much per day to help my moods but i am going to up the dose real slow to hopefully stop the night sweats that are beyond annoying.
I hate being depressed and i wouldn't be surprised if it was followed by a manic episode since that's usually the way it fucking goes for me . Having bipolar disorder sucks beyond belief as the manic episodes are as bad or sometimes worse then the depressive episodes. Fuck manic depression right off 
I hate being depressed and i wouldn't be surprised if it was followed by a manic episode since that's usually the way it fucking goes for me
. Having bipolar disorder sucks beyond belief as the manic episodes are as bad or sometimes worse then the depressive episodes. Fuck manic depression right off Afghan_Tourist
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2012
- Messages
- 31
I am honestly wondering what tests or where one could be examined for Bi-Polar or any other mental disorders...
I have had a few friends with Bi-Polar disorder, and a friend of mine whome I've talked with before about my various and drastic changes in mood believes it could be caused by me having Bi-Polar without actually knowing it?
I've tried going sober off drugs, but yet every few months my habits change, sometimes I'm extremely happy and ridiculous (often times saying stupid things and joking about almost everything) and then as weeks pass I drift off into a dark, depressed state of mind that is relieved by drug-abuse or alcohol-abuse - generally making me anti-social
I reminice on why I was so 'happy-go-lucky' during the past few months and just cannot figure it out... Think to myself "Why the fuck did I say this? I was an idiot goddamnit" ... along those lines
I've been on Neuroleptic drugs before and they made me into a zombie which made me feel terrible.. Often worsening my condition... I've used anti-depressants and they also made me feel worse?
But yet sometimes not using any drugs helps out more than anything? Regardless of social situation (I don't change groups of friends or anything, its the same situation but I just fluctuate between these depressed/manic states)
I've been like this most of my life, wondering if I've got Schizo-Typical Disorder, or Multiple-Personalities or something... It's agonizing sometimes when you just can't explain yourself the way you really want to and be serious at a time when you really need to...
Many times I find myself awake late into the night having to take Benzodiazapines to help me get to sleep... This self-medication doesn't work, and my family believes my issues are caused by a history of drug-abuse and do not believe me in what I have to say...
What can I do?
I have had a few friends with Bi-Polar disorder, and a friend of mine whome I've talked with before about my various and drastic changes in mood believes it could be caused by me having Bi-Polar without actually knowing it?
I've tried going sober off drugs, but yet every few months my habits change, sometimes I'm extremely happy and ridiculous (often times saying stupid things and joking about almost everything) and then as weeks pass I drift off into a dark, depressed state of mind that is relieved by drug-abuse or alcohol-abuse - generally making me anti-social
I reminice on why I was so 'happy-go-lucky' during the past few months and just cannot figure it out... Think to myself "Why the fuck did I say this? I was an idiot goddamnit" ... along those lines
I've been on Neuroleptic drugs before and they made me into a zombie which made me feel terrible.. Often worsening my condition... I've used anti-depressants and they also made me feel worse?
But yet sometimes not using any drugs helps out more than anything? Regardless of social situation (I don't change groups of friends or anything, its the same situation but I just fluctuate between these depressed/manic states)
I've been like this most of my life, wondering if I've got Schizo-Typical Disorder, or Multiple-Personalities or something... It's agonizing sometimes when you just can't explain yourself the way you really want to and be serious at a time when you really need to...
Many times I find myself awake late into the night having to take Benzodiazapines to help me get to sleep... This self-medication doesn't work, and my family believes my issues are caused by a history of drug-abuse and do not believe me in what I have to say...
What can I do?
I like how this thread helps a lot of people particularly those who suffer from depression. Great job with this thread. Here is another page to help those parents whose teens are suffering from depression or anxiety.
Depression is a serious health problem that should not be ignored or be left untreated. It requires proper attention and individualized treatment plans to address the unique needs of each patient. The longer you ignore depression, the more severe it can become.
Depression is a serious health problem that should not be ignored or be left untreated. It requires proper attention and individualized treatment plans to address the unique needs of each patient. The longer you ignore depression, the more severe it can become.
Cloroxtastebad
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2012
- Messages
- 244
First off I would like to say thank you to the people that made this thread and all the good work you have done to make a really helpful tool for many.
Im looking for some advice that I haven't been able to get many opinions on and I hope this is the place.
Ive suffered from years of depression. I have come to the conclusion that I need some medication to help me get out of a very dark depression. I went to college for 2 years studying a pharmacology degree and also ran track. I dropped out at the end of this year because of DEPRESSION/Anxiety. I was unnable to get things done and couldn't stick to my commitments.
4 years ago I was put on prozac with little success.
Later I was but on vibryd which is a new ssri.... this also didn't help.
I was then put on a big cocktail of med about 7 months ago.
Effort 300mg
abilify 2mg
lamictal 100mg
Xanax 2mg
I now have sunk deeper into depression then ever before. I saw my psychiatrist and told him I need to be off of these meds. I'm now off of everything but effexor. I'm titrating off and am now down to 150mg.
My thought is that he prescribed these meds based on an incorrect diagnoses. I believe this combo is helpful to many, more so those with bipolor like symptoms as a Way of leveling out ones mood. It did this, but it leveled me out to a
Im looking for some advice that I haven't been able to get many opinions on and I hope this is the place.
Ive suffered from years of depression. I have come to the conclusion that I need some medication to help me get out of a very dark depression. I went to college for 2 years studying a pharmacology degree and also ran track. I dropped out at the end of this year because of DEPRESSION/Anxiety. I was unnable to get things done and couldn't stick to my commitments.
4 years ago I was put on prozac with little success.
Later I was but on vibryd which is a new ssri.... this also didn't help.
I was then put on a big cocktail of med about 7 months ago.
Effort 300mg
abilify 2mg
lamictal 100mg
Xanax 2mg
I now have sunk deeper into depression then ever before. I saw my psychiatrist and told him I need to be off of these meds. I'm now off of everything but effexor. I'm titrating off and am now down to 150mg.
My thought is that he prescribed these meds based on an incorrect diagnoses. I believe this combo is helpful to many, more so those with bipolor like symptoms as a Way of leveling out ones mood. It did this, but it leveled me out to a
pammy
Bluelighter
Im Bipolar and need to rely on a few different meds to keep as sane as can be which i harte i was diagnosed wt the age of 24 it generally seems to happen in your 20s some sort of a breakdown somehow brings on the Bipolar.Drug taking was my way of coping with it for many years on and off and i was told drugs triggered my Bipolar then i told the relevant people about growing up as achild beingn abused and now the psychiatrist seems to believe that childhood trauma has in fact triggered my illness.Im so upset at the fact that im stuck with this now for the rest of my life its like the abuse has never ever stopped for me i had my breakdown at 18 yrs old never had a job since.
pammy are you more or less stable now, with the meds that you're on?
I know it can seem like a curse, but we only get one life, so I hope you come to peace with your diagnosis soon so you can live harmoniously with it, instead of resenting it. Much love
I am stuck in a really bad pit of depression at the moment. Ever since I got back from my amazing month-long holiday to the US, I have been completely socially-withdrawn, anhedonic, and just generally really depressed. It's been over 3 weeks now and things are getting worse, not better. Initially I just put it down to post-holiday blues, and missing my boyfriend who is back in the states. But shit is getting quite serious. I'm craving alcohol ALL the time (despite being 5 months sober today), I wake up every morning thinking about ending my life, I'm not eating, and I'm becoming more and more withdrawn.
So, today I've put myself back on Wellbutrin, which the last anti-depressant I was on back in January this year, and the only anti-depressant that I've ever liked. I'm lucky I still had the script lying around. I'm seeing my therapist on Wednesday this week so I will have to tell her what's going on. I saw her 2 weeks ago just after I got back from my holiday and pretended that everything was a-okay. But that's not going to help anyone, so this time I need to be honest with her. I feel like I'm right back to square one though, which really really sucks. It is really difficult to say whether or not I would've become this depressed again regardless of my trip to the states....but I guess there's no point speculating on that.
Overall I'm feeling optimistic that I will be doing better soon. Until then I need to just sit tight and not do anything stupid e.g. start drinking again, self-harm etc.
I know it can seem like a curse, but we only get one life, so I hope you come to peace with your diagnosis soon so you can live harmoniously with it, instead of resenting it. Much love
I am stuck in a really bad pit of depression at the moment. Ever since I got back from my amazing month-long holiday to the US, I have been completely socially-withdrawn, anhedonic, and just generally really depressed. It's been over 3 weeks now and things are getting worse, not better. Initially I just put it down to post-holiday blues, and missing my boyfriend who is back in the states. But shit is getting quite serious. I'm craving alcohol ALL the time (despite being 5 months sober today), I wake up every morning thinking about ending my life, I'm not eating, and I'm becoming more and more withdrawn.
So, today I've put myself back on Wellbutrin, which the last anti-depressant I was on back in January this year, and the only anti-depressant that I've ever liked. I'm lucky I still had the script lying around. I'm seeing my therapist on Wednesday this week so I will have to tell her what's going on. I saw her 2 weeks ago just after I got back from my holiday and pretended that everything was a-okay. But that's not going to help anyone, so this time I need to be honest with her. I feel like I'm right back to square one though, which really really sucks. It is really difficult to say whether or not I would've become this depressed again regardless of my trip to the states....but I guess there's no point speculating on that.
Overall I'm feeling optimistic that I will be doing better soon. Until then I need to just sit tight and not do anything stupid e.g. start drinking again, self-harm etc.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
((((()))))n3o. I am glad that you've decided to tell your therapist what you are feeling. As difficult as it is that should be the one place where you come completely clean about everything going on inside. My first experience with therapy was a complete disaster because I had a crush on the (gay male!) therapist and I was always tailoring what I said slightly so as not to look bad in front of him. 8)
That was probably a very smart move to go back on the Wellbutrin for now. Sometimes you need to buy yourself some time and breathing room to deal with the more destructive patterns. Drinking and self-harm will drag you under in one episode so stay strong. Work towards your goals--figuring out how to be together with Dex and school---one step at a time. You are not at square one because it is impossible. Even having these intense cravings you also have 5 months sober time under your belt which means that you now carry the knowledge of what that took and how to achieve it. I know it is exhausting and disappointing to have these feelings flare up so intensely after all this time but don't let them fool you into the feeling that nothing has changed. Everything has changed and you are stronger than you have ever been.
Celebrate today in some meaningful way. Light a candle, sit quietly and close your eyes and let what you have survived and created in your life so far wash through you. Be thankful for all the positive attributes inside that brought you here: your tenacity, your positivity, your love of life, your strength and your vulnerability. I'm going to light my own candle for you and I am going to celebrate by picturing you hiking around the hills behind San Diego with Dex.
)))))n3o. I am glad that you've decided to tell your therapist what you are feeling. As difficult as it is that should be the one place where you come completely clean about everything going on inside. My first experience with therapy was a complete disaster because I had a crush on the (gay male!) therapist and I was always tailoring what I said slightly so as not to look bad in front of him. 8) That was probably a very smart move to go back on the Wellbutrin for now. Sometimes you need to buy yourself some time and breathing room to deal with the more destructive patterns. Drinking and self-harm will drag you under in one episode so stay strong. Work towards your goals--figuring out how to be together with Dex and school---one step at a time. You are not at square one because it is impossible. Even having these intense cravings you also have 5 months sober time under your belt which means that you now carry the knowledge of what that took and how to achieve it. I know it is exhausting and disappointing to have these feelings flare up so intensely after all this time but don't let them fool you into the feeling that nothing has changed. Everything has changed and you are stronger than you have ever been.
Celebrate today in some meaningful way. Light a candle, sit quietly and close your eyes and let what you have survived and created in your life so far wash through you. Be thankful for all the positive attributes inside that brought you here: your tenacity, your positivity, your love of life, your strength and your vulnerability. I'm going to light my own candle for you and I am going to celebrate by picturing you hiking around the hills behind San Diego with Dex.