Some thoughts and looking for advice

[noob]

Its like a puzzle that you can never find the first piece too. You know that it can be finished; you know it can be complete, yet for some reason I can never find the start.

That’s the battle I try to overcome every day. I try not to whinge about what life has given me I know there are a lot worse of people and I really do feel for them, I have to admit I come from a great family who support the issues I face (they don’t know about the drugs), I have great friends, a great job, loving girlfriend who unconditionally puts up with me and I want to get better. I want to help myself, but I can never find that first piece to that puzzle. It sounds so weak and I feel so weak.

I’m 27 now and been battling my demons for about 13 years. I was first diagnosed with depression after a long and invasive hospital stay and slowly but surely the anxiety, paranoia and helplessness has followed. If I don’t find comfort in who I am soon I stress that I will never be able to and that’s what I’m scared of. It seems that every time I take a step forward my mind always tells me to take two steps back. Right now I am someone who is controlled by stress, anxiety, fear and worst of all drugs and alcohol.

For so many years I have found peace in drugs and alcohol and don’t get me wrong I have my peaks and troughs when it comes to these, but right now I am self medicating on them badly and it’s just not what I want but it seems so much what I need. I am hurting my relationships with friends and most importantly my girlfriend and I somehow haven’t been caught out under performing at work. I wish that I could just take the tablets and feel normal but they make me feel worse in so many ways. I have spent countless hours at Psychologists over the years and they have taught me a lot and I practice a lot of the things I have learnt but as soon as they take me out of my comfort zone and as soon as I get a bit of stress from them, I never go back.

Over the years I have tried to work with my illness, at most times people wouldn’t even know about the things that I am going through, but a lot of the time I am also taking whatever I can get my hands on to have confidence and no stress.

I have such anger built up over all this my girlfriend is the one that gets treated like shit and that’s the worst part. Because of my anxiety I am so nice to friends / people I have just met in the hope they like me that she gets upset because I take my pain out on her and I don’t blame her.

You know it really sounds poor me, but I never did anything to deserve so much shit. I have always helped people, I am kind, caring and loving. I’m just can’t see the light at the tunnel and I want to so badly.

I guess the whole point of this post is that I know there Is no doubt a lot of people that have fought back from this kind of adversity and I am just looking for a bit of inspiration to know that it’s hopefully possible that people in these situations can manage to overcome this and become content with life.

I have never opened up like this so hopefully something positive can come out of these writings and someone out there can give me the spark that I need to find that piece in the puzzle.

 

[GbizzleMcGrizzle]

All I can say is I know exactly how you feel and I've gone through the same shit. Back when I was a functioning addict I got to that point and I got clean for 5 months. Then everything went to shit, I started using again, but there wasn't anything left for me anymore and I went from being able to pull it all off like you are now to being completely alone and living on the streets because I could afford more drugs. I met new people who became amazing friends and are great people, but now that I'm tryign to get clean I can't spend time with those friends and I lost all the other friends I used to have. Now I'm clean and alone, but I have a goal.
If I could go back in time 4 years I would never have made that bet with a "friend" on avenue A on whether or not I could score in under 20 minutes.
My life would be a lot different if it weren't for that guy, and I wouldn't have had the amazing expieriences I gained because of it, but I would also be making 80K year now instead of living with my mom and broke, and clean

 

[n3ophy7e]

noob, man, you and I have so much in common. If you literally change the word "girlfriend" to "boyfriend", it could've been me who typed out that whole post.

Self-medication is a really tricky thing because it does actually serve a purpose for us at some point. But over time it starts to backfire on us because whilst we're continuing to self-medicate we are effectively ignoring our emotions and our problems, yet they are continuing to bubble away and fester in our subconscious. So before we know it, our problems seem too overwhelming to even think about tackling, and along the way we've probably got ourselves a drug and/or alcohol addiction, on top of everything else!

This might not be what you want to hear but in my opinion you could benefit from finding a good psychologist and sticking with them through the entire therapy program, and try again to work through some of your issues. I know it's hard, I've been there many times before, and I'm currently doing that exact thing with a psychologist now! But in the long run, if you want to overcome these obstacles in your life it might be a good idea to start doing the hard work now, so that in the future you can really be at peace with yourself. What do you think?

 

[herbavore]

One thing that changed my life radically has been mindfulness training. Learning to use my negative emotional states as teachers rather than trying to medicate my way out of them or anesthetize myself from their effects paradoxically lessons their presence in my life. This site talks about what it is. Another person that has helped me quite a bit with this is Tara Brach, an American teacher of Buddhism. I think this way of thinking is a perfect complement to traditional therapy.

Whatever you choose to do you know that committing fully and openly to the process is going to bring results. Opening up about what we feel most hopeless about ourselves takes tremendous strength and courage. Your post here is one such act so you know you have it in you. Take courage from that when you take the next step IRL and know that you have a whole community here to back you up, bounce things off of and just generally share thinking and feelings about what you are going through. So, keep checking your thread and keep us posted!

 

[noob]

Hey guys.

I just wanted to thank you for replying its appreciated.

herbavore I found those links quite good, I have been looking into similar things for a while however those sites have really good information. Also thanks for reinforcing what I know needs to be done in regards to opening up. Hopefully I'll be able to update this thread in a couple of weeks with some solid progress.

 

[littlepenguin]

First, I am glad that you finally have got this off your chest. As previous replies said, I think you would greatly benefit from seeing a psychologist. Just someone to talk to. I should heed my own advice, I bury things inside myself until they are a huge pile of festering poo and then they all explode at once. I guess my self esteem is just on the low side, where I don't want to bore or burden anyone with my problems.

I know that this is a more sensitive forum (TDS) but I guess a little part of your statement kind of hit a nerve:

I have such anger built up over all this my girlfriend is the one that gets treated like shit and that’s the worst part. Because of my anxiety I am so nice to friends / people I have just met in the hope they like me that she gets upset because I take my pain out on her and I don’t blame her.

You know it really sounds poor me, but I never did anything to deserve so much shit. I have always helped people, I am kind, caring and loving. I’m just can’t see the light at the tunnel and I want to so badly.

Your poor girlfriend. If you truly loved her, you'd let her go. Take a break. Get well, and then if you two were meant to be, she'll be there waiting for you somewhere down the line. But really, do you think this is fair to her in any way? I understand couples are supposed to stick around in better times or worse times, but treating people you don't even know way nicer than you treat her, in front of her face, is pretty rough.

As for "what did I do to deserve this shit..." good god, if I had a nickel for every time I've ever made that statement...I'd have a whole lot more money than I have right now. I have had multiple people point out how many 'mishaps' I've had happen in my life, especially for my age. I've spent more time in the hospital at 28 years of age than somebody who's 88 years old. I've had 2 significant others kill themselves, out of nowhere. Just this year, mind you, it is only 20 days into 2012, I have had 800+ dollars stolen from me and a credit card. I've been taken advantage of, because I am a kind and giving person. And sometimes I hear myself asking, "what the fuck did I do to possibly deserve this???" My ma heard me say it once, and she said I needed to forget that kind of 'karmic' thinking. Shit happens because SHIT HAPPENS. You must either choose to learn from it and deal with it, or roll around and lay in it and fling poo at other people, try to make them as miserable as you. I have tried to take my 'mishaps' in stride and learn from them and try and be proud of myself for overcoming some immense hurdles in life. Even though when some dickface steals hundreds of dollars from me and swindles me and makes me jaded and disgusted with the entire human race, and I want to pretend that everyone is out to get me, I look at my friends and family and know that there are still good people floating around, and I've got some of em in my boat.
I didn't mean to be harsh at all, please don't take it that way, but sometimes even though the truth sucks and hurts, sometimes people need to point out the obvious. I closely identify with many things you said, and I really hope things get better for you. Wishing you luck