I'm spiraling down again.. Is there anyone out there?

[Dr.Shopper]

I was addicted to opiates for two years and overdosed three times. I got clean for one year. I was happy and I finally felt free from my addiction, then one day I decided I was just gonna stick to weed. That worked for about three months. Then I started using opiates again and decided that this time I would do so in "moderation". That worked for, well, not very long... So I decided it was time to get clean again. I stayed completely clean for THREE fucking days, and then decided ONCE AGAIN that I could keep my opiate use occasional. So last night I popped some ultram. In my drug induced bliss and delusion, I was optimistic. I knew for sure (delusionally) that I somehow magically had enough self control to only use every once in a while. Then I nodded off to a blissful sleep, woke up sick as a dog this morning and what was the first thing I did? Bought 5 fucking methadone pills of course. Today has been hell. I've popped, smoked, and snorted half of my methadone over the course of ten hours and I've spent the whole time soaking in misery and self hatred. I don't even feel "high", if anything I feel dysphoric. This whole day has been the most depressing day of my life. I HATE myself right now, I hate the fact that I'm fucking up my life AGAIN. I have a good life, I have good grades in school, I have a great family and a loving girlfriend who I love with all my heart. Despite all this, I can never stop using for long. I don't even LIKE the way methadone makes me feel and as of now I'm not even physically addicted. Every time I take it I just go into a pit of despair, depression and paranoia. But despite all this, I've never felt more addicted to any other drug. I KNOW in my heart that I'm throwing my life away and that it does nothing but make me feel like shit, but every time I come down I believe that if I take t just one more time, I'll be happy. Keep in mind my latest relapse has only occured in the last 24 hours, but I already feel as if I'm back where I was two years ago when I was in full blown mental and physical addiction. I've only been back on opiates for a fucking day, and I already get this sense that I'm not gonna get out of it this time. I feel like hell, but I know as soon as I wake up I'm gonna pop another pill. Right now it's 11:52 pm and I have to wake up at 6 am for school, but I won't be going to bed any time soon because every time I start to drift off, I forget to breathe and I don't want to risk not waking up...even if it is me being paranoid. Because despite how terrible I feel right now I know I have a lot to live for. I just hope I can summom the strength to break this habit and live up to my full potential. I'm a fucking teenager, it scares me to death that I'm not even an adult yet and I'm already this bad. I'm tired of throwing my promising life away for a fucking chemical, an ILLUSION of happiness. I'm tired of the guilt, I'm tired of the sadness, I'm tired of the insanity. My family, friends, and girlfriend have NO IDEA this shit is going on because I've gotten so good at creating the illusion that I'm okay...but I feel myself slipping away more and more every day. I really hope there's someone out there that will respond to this, I feel so alone. It's no fun being a 17 year old bipolar drug addict...

 

[herbavore]

Congratulations to you for writing that post. That level of honesty with yourself is going to be your path out of your nightmare.You need to tell your family and get help into getting into some kind of treatment. I know that it feels like your whole world will cave in if you do that. But that could be the best thing that could happen; because the world you're in is not the one you want.

If you are already seeing someone for your bipolar would it be possible to confide in them? You need to let someone you trust into this world. People can really surprise you when you are honestly making yourself vulnerable.You are far too young to be so exhausted.

You are not alone in your experience or in your emotions. I really hope that you will not keep trying to shoulder all this on your own. I am a parent and I know that if my 17 year old came to me and said, "I need help...here's what's going on", that I would respond.

 

[SeekerOfEuphoria]

I apologize in advance for the horrendous grammar and ramblings.

Taking college courses in high school graduated high school at 16. Dabbled in all things since 14 though. The addys, weed, lsd,etc...then I went to college and got personal connections for opiates. Straight A's first semester,By 3rd Semester was straight C's since I'd rarely show up to class cause I...well I dunno? I needed to get opiates I suppose...Fast forward 4 years. I've been on a roller coaster as any other addict has. Not much thats unique, all revolves around suffering. I'm currently playing music in bars and working a minimum wage job. I feel your pain, currently I'm...either 4-6 days clean. Times gone fuzzy since I haven't slept and the Amphetamine psychosis is quite present. Just been doing some adderall to keep me...apathetic to this illness. Maybe I'll beat it, this time. I've come to the same conclusion, no matter what I can't do anything if I'm hooked on the junk. But you are definitely not alone. Opiates are so seductive, but is it really worth it? Don't even feel anything from it. Your time is spent sitting enjoying nothing a literal enjoyment of me doing absolutely fucking nothing. You can't create, you're in a fucking block of ice until you're over it. But we can do this cause who the fuck wants to wake up every morning cold, puking, just dead. Just remember man...you're not alone, we're all over this fucking planet. You need anything you know we're here for ya. How is the relationship with the family,friends,girlfriend? If they can help you, I recommend it. And I'm sure they would help you.

 

[Missykins]

I hope that you can see now that for as long as you were smoking weed, you weren't clean and sober. There's a reason why you have to give it ALL up--any drug is simply going to prime your brain for relapse, and trick you into thinking that you can safely use your DOC again. Very common, most of it happens at the level of your subconscious so you're not even aware of it. Happens all the time. The one time that I slipped it happened after I had a glass of wine with dinner--that small amount of alcohol set the entire process back into motion again. I had also stopped going to NA at the time--I was two years clean and thought I had it under control. If you're not working a solid recovery program, the more clean time you have, the more vulnerable to relapse you are because you begin to entertain the idea that you can return to controlled drug use, which you now know, is impossible.

When you stop using, you have to have a program in place. You can't rely upon that "pink cloud" where everything feels great and you're so grateful to be clean. Eventually real life catches up and challenges your sobriety. How did you get clean the first time? Did you go to rehab, NA/AA, or did you just "white knuckle" your way through it (that's a term that's used to describe people who think they can just muscle through it on their own--usually they relapse)? Only you can decide whether or not you need to go to rehab, but I do think that you need to go to NA because it is extremely difficult to get and STAY clean on your own. I've said this before but I think it's worth repeating--there are many NA haters on BL for reasons I don't understand, but I would suggest that you go and keep an open mind. Plus Narcotics Anonymous is not going to tell your parents, and there will be people your age there. If you're worried about being seen by someone you know, go to a meeting in the next town over.

www.na.org

 

[Dr.Shopper]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. Missykins, I went to NA for about a year and a half total. During my first six months there, I was suckered into free ketamine, DXM, heroin, and oxycontin by three different people. So then I decided it was time to get away from that area, so I tried another one. I then managed to stay clean for a year, and the night of my year anniversary my sponsor, who I trusted and looked up to, convinced me that I could celebrate and be fine and proceeded to smoke me up. Ever since then I've just found it hard to believe in the program. Thanks again everyone. I've been running on two hours of sleep today, and coming home from a rough day at school to read this makes me feel a bit better.

 

[Missykins]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. Missykins, I went to NA for about a year and a half total. During my first six months there, I was suckered into free ketamine, DXM, heroin, and oxycontin by three different people. So then I decided it was time to get away from that area, so I tried another one. I then managed to stay clean for a year, and the night of my year anniversary my sponsor, who I trusted and looked up to, convinced me that I could celebrate and be fine and proceeded to smoke me up. Ever since then I've just found it hard to believe in the program.

That has not been my experience or the experience of the majority of the people I know in NA. Any reason why you didn't call your sponsor out? It's up to you to say no to people who offer you drugs, no matter who they are or where they may be.

 

[Dr.Shopper]

I suppose because I had been considering relapsing for a while. I don't totally blame him for it, when it all comes down to it I didn't have to make the choice I made.

 

[Dr.Shopper]

Well, I just threw the rest of my pills away and gave the remainder of my weed to a friend along with my bowl and lighter. This is one of those rare instances where my impulsive personality paid off... I'm going to my psychiatrist today so I'm going to ask for a refill on my naltrexone script. I'm ready to stop this before it gets too bad. I'll consider NA again Missykins, I just need to find a way to get to a new area. I feel very lucky right now because I took a little too much methadone this morning before going to school, my breathing was very depressed and I was a little incoherent and I was stumbling a bit throughout the halls. I'm just so glad I didn't get caught today, and I'm glad I didn't cross the line into an od. Luckily my body seems to metabolize drugs very quickly, so I'm pretty much back to baseline already and I'm feeling much better.

 

[Missykins]

That's real progress. Think about going to AA instead if you're concerned about running into former connections and triggers. You don't have to share--you can just listen.

 

[Missykins]

I suppose because I had been considering relapsing for a while. I don't totally blame him for it, when it all comes down to it I didn't have to make the choice I made.

I was the same way when I started drinking even though I had never had abused alcohol in the past. I liked the way alcohol made me feel, but I knew that morphine would make me feel better, so I started to plan my relapse, all because of one glass of wine, that's all it took.

 

[SeekerOfEuphoria]

You have friends who don't use opiates correct? And your girlfriend? Get out and be with them as much as is possible. That's what really has helped me, but I just don't like the support programs. I'm glad to hear you're making progress, you should be very proud of yourself.

 

[Missykins]

You have friends who don't use opiates correct? And your girlfriend? Get out and be with them as much as is possible. That's what really has helped me, but I just don't like the support programs. I'm glad to hear you're making progress, you should be very proud of yourself.

Being with sober (and I mean completely sober) people is very important, too.