Downhill... just since November

[Silenced]

So, after my attempt to clean up in November.... It went downhill really bad.

I left my husband for a fellow junkie, overdosed (on heroin, benzos, & muscle relaxers), did drugs I'd normally not do, arrested for a felony, lost everything I had left.... and here I am, in my parents house typing this.

I don't know when it hit, but I just started to pick up a rough habit again after doing pretty good for awhile. I became extremely careless and started doing stupid shyt. I did drugs I'd never normally do, and look back now and say WTF, WHY! My husband was my everything, so I don't know why I did what I did. I turned him into an addict and then left him for a junkie friend. I was arrested and still have a pending case. I overdosed in my car, in which someone did save me, but I when I think about it... I wish they would have just left me.

I really have nothing now.

It's like I really thought after my last post that I'd gotten my mind straight and things would look up, but I screwed up big time.

How do I plan life again to get better?
I mean, I'm craving dope so bad, but Ive resisted for a few days... and before that it was only about 1/10 of what I was using and days clean before that.
I have a hard time because I feel like I have nothing to get better for..... it's like once you've lost your world, how do you gain it back?

 

[effie]

I have a hard time because I feel like I have nothing to get better for..... it's like once you've lost your world, how do you gain it back?

I understand how that feels, completely, but from a different perspective to you (my boyfriend died last year..) and the answer is - by taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time. You can rebuild a world for yourself again. I am not saying it will be easy, but not many things that are worth it are easy - and it definitely is worth it. You are already a long way down the road without even realising it - you recognise what happened, you realise it isn't what you want life to be like, and you are trying to find ways to get yourself back to where you want to be (trying to stay away from dope, making this post...)

Everyone makes mistakes, and it isn't easy to work out why we did it, or to come to terms with it. I strongly suggest you get some counselling or therapy to talk things through and try to come up with strategies to help you rebuild things..

RedLeader made an excellent post the other day (will try to find it) pointing out that we are programmed to respond to short-term satisfaction rather than long term goals, and that using long-term goals to try to keep yourself clean often doesn't work for this reason. It made so much sense - it's the reason I am still smoking; the thought of lung cancer in the future doesn't counteract the immediate craving to have a cigarette, and after all one cigarette isn't going to cause lung cancer, right? But a series of short term decisions (smoking lots of cigarettes for example) will lead to long term problems. So try to think in the short term - what do you want out of today? And tomorrow? Scoring might make you feel better temporarily but afterwards you will feel even worse.. where as if you go for a run, talk to a friend, do something small that makes you happy (I want to say a hobby, but I know that sounds silly hehe..) then you will feel so much better... and that is possibly why you did what you did - because of the way we (especially drug addicts) are wired to think about the short term only and although deep down we know the long term consequences, it just doesn't register enough to stop us. But I am speculating here

Making changes one small step at a time, and rewarding yourself for the small changes, is so much less daunting than thinking "I am doing this so that in x amount of time I will have rebuilt my whole life" and a lot more likely to succeed in my experience.. keep the long term goal in mind, but think short-term initially, and the long-term will follow

Start small, take it slowly, and reach out for as much help and support as you can. And know you are not the first person to make a mistake, nor the last - we all do, we are only human. Try not to blame yourself - you can't change the past, but you can change your future, and it sounds like you really want to

 

[Silenced]

I understand how that feels, completely, but from a different perspective to you (my boyfriend died last year..) and the answer is - by taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time. You can rebuild a world for yourself again. I am not saying it will be easy, but not many things that are worth it are easy - and it definitely is worth it. You are already a long way down the road without even realising it - you recognise what happened, you realise it isn't what you want life to be like, and you are trying to find ways to get yourself back to where you want to be (trying to stay away from dope, making this post...)

First off, sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.
I realize it certainly, but it's so hard. I got only a few hours of sleep and I woke up craving so bad.

Everyone makes mistakes, and it isn't easy to work out why we did it, or to come to terms with it. I strongly suggest you get some counselling or therapy to talk things through and try to come up with strategies to help you rebuild things..

I definitely hope to get into counselling. My one issue is pain management as well. I'm a chronic pain patient who is prescribed opiates. I have to figure out a way to balance and not abuse my own medication.

RedLeader made an excellent post the other day (will try to find it) pointing out that we are programmed to respond to short-term satisfaction rather than long term goals, and that using long-term goals to try to keep yourself clean often doesn't work for this reason. It made so much sense - it's the reason I am still smoking; the thought of lung cancer in the future doesn't counteract the immediate craving to have a cigarette, and after all one cigarette isn't going to cause lung cancer, right? But a series of short term decisions (smoking lots of cigarettes for example) will lead to long term problems. So try to think in the short term - what do you want out of today? And tomorrow? Scoring might make you feel better temporarily but afterwards you will feel even worse.. where as if you go for a run, talk to a friend, do something small that makes you happy (I want to say a hobby, but I know that sounds silly hehe..) then you will feel so much better... and that is possibly why you did what you did - because of the way we (especially drug addicts) are wired to think about the short term only and although deep down we know the long term consequences, it just doesn't register enough to stop us. But I am speculating here

Making changes one small step at a time, and rewarding yourself for the small changes, is so much less daunting than thinking "I am doing this so that in x amount of time I will have rebuilt my whole life" and a lot more likely to succeed in my experience.. keep the long term goal in mind, but think short-term initially, and the long-term will follow

Start small, take it slowly, and reach out for as much help and support as you can. And know you are not the first person to make a mistake, nor the last - we all do, we are only human. Try not to blame yourself - you can't change the past, but you can change your future, and it sounds like you really want to

That does make a lot of sense. I've been trying to hang out and talk to real friends and not druggie 'pals' as to keep me distracted and surrounded by a more positive environment. School also starts on Tuesday for me, so that's another thing to look forward to. It's still rough and I wanted to go score yesterday, but I resisted again. I'm just afraid that something really negative will hit me again and I'll end up running back... I just need to keep my own meds (morphine mainly) under control and hopefully then I won't have an issue. It's just I can go through my entire bottle in just a few days so I'm really going to have to have someone control it and not give in to me asking for more.

 

[effie]

^ It sounds like you are actually doing fantastically! You haven't given in to cravings, you are making plans to see positive, non drug-using friends, you have school to focus on and it is very astute of you to realise that it might be a good idea to have someone else control your medication - it's often not easy to admit that, but it is entirely natural to race through it when it is there in front of you and you have cravings, so I think that sounds like a very level headed and sensible idea

The fear that something bad will happen and will knock us back is something I know only too well. But it seems to me that you are a lot stronger than you think you are. You can put "safety-nets" in place too to catch you should something knock you down - a good support network of non-druggie friends, other ways of releasing stress/anxiety/depression apart from drugs (exercise is always fantastic, or an activity you enjoy doing that can be your "reward" when times are hard, for example) and I would definitely talk to your counsellor (v glad you are planning on getting one ) about your coping strategies and how to develop new, healthy ones. CBT could be really useful too - it helps you to change the way you think as well as adjust your behaviour, which gives you control over your own emotions. It can take a lot of work for it to "click" and it isn't for everyone, but if you are interested there are a couple of free online websites written by psychiatrists which you can use - google "MoodGym" and "Living Life To The Full" if you think this is something that might help I'm a huge fan, as it gives you the tools to weather storms and to take control of your emotions and actions, which is an amazing skill!

I really don't want to bring my own situation into your thread too much, but if you had asked me a year ago if I could cope with my boyfriend dying I would have said absolutely 100% no way, the thought would have completely terrified me and I would have been fairly sure I'd end up addicted to opioids or benzos - and while it has been incredibly hard, and continues to be so, actually - when it comes down to it, you often cope a lot better than you anticipated you might do. 5 months in and am getting back on my feet, and no drug addiction has taken hold - and this is from a not-very-strong-at-all girl who also has a fondness for opioids. Try not to worry about what the future might hold - concentrate on the here and now. You're doing brilliantly