what point does friendship have to end at?

[xstayfadedx]

I've been wondering about this ever since new years... Long story short my friend and I decided to get a hotel for new years eve. We tend to drink a lot (more than we should) and so because of this we told each other we would know our limit but also watch out for one another. Anyways I've always been able to get drunk but still be able to remain in control.... Yet, my friend on the other hand can't do that and will blackout. So I was like of course I'm going to have to keep an eye out for her especially because her fling this twenty one year old decided to invite us to his motel to party. Let's just say she told me that she didn't trust herself drunk and didn't want to end up alone with him... So as the good friend I am I promised to watch out for her.

The guy ends up picking us up at our hotel around 10pm (we have been drinking since 3pm at this point) and brings us to this shitty motel down the road. When I walked into the room I knew the night was going to be crazy... Especially it being a crackhouse motel next to a porn shop... Inside there were these two guys which we met earlier (they stopped at our hotel with her fling) and then a guy and a girl fucking in the bathroom... Booze and liquor everywhere and smoke filled the air. I didn't want to be there already but my friend just was like hey this will be fun and we'll make it back to our hotel to meet our one friend...(My best friend who was at church at the time and was going to come after 12:30am).... So yeah we're drinking and we play games. Having fun and what not but during the night I took too many hits of synthetic cannabis (what one of the guys had).

I'm skipping a lot of parts because I hate to make this any longer... Let's just say I ended up tripping hard and during that time things started getting crazy. This is when everyone starts playing truth dare or surprise. I notice my friend who starts doing stupid shit and I'm tripping hard trying to make sure she doesn't do anything she regrets. Then of course she gets a dare to go into the bathroom with her fling and do a sexual massage. I was freaking out!!! Here's me tripping on the bed coming in and out of reality while drunk and I have a friend going into the bathroom alone with this guy.... I kept telling her minutes before to stop doing things because you're going to regret it but then she bitched at me.... She fucking bitched at me and I sat there going wow, I'm looking out for her and she has the audacity to do that. So she goes into the bathroom and I'm on the bed tripping balls going where is she?! What is she doing?! And they say the sexual massage. I didn't go in to bust her out though cause she already snapped at me and I really didn't know what to do.

So yeah the guys try to take advantage of all of us. It gets to the point where a guy is ontop of me and is trying to kiss me and do things. Although I was like no and thank god I managed to roll of the bed. Lots of crazier shit happens and even at one point this guy wants me to take his zipper down with his teeth as a dare and I'm like no. My friend did it to the girl though and sooner ended up topless. At this point I was sitting on the bed on the verge of crying and my friend asks me if I'm okay and I say no. Then she says do you want to leave and I say yes but then she turns away. She then repeatedly asks me this but doesn't listen because she doesn't want to leave. I was like we have to go! Sarah (my best friend) is going to be at the hotel any minute but she didn't care.

So I texted my best friend and the fling ends up picking her up. She walks into the motel and is like wtf?! She sits on the floor next to me and we text each other things back and forth. She's like we need to get out of here. What did you get yourself into? And so we step outside and I end up crying. The fling (21 year old guy) trys to come out and check up on us but he only did cause he didn't want the cops coming. We tell him its okay and we stay outside and talk. I'm still crying and my best friend is saying we need to leave and I agreed... The only reason is I was trying to leave so many times but our one friend wouldn't listen to us. So here's where the hard part comes.

We decide to leave our friend there alone. We tried so hard to get her to come back to our hotel with us. She wouldn't listen and we just couldn't stay in that situation anymore. It was getting too crazy and the fact that guy earlier tried to pin me down just totally freaked me out. I promised her I would watchout for her but it got to the point where it was like my own safety is more important... So we both left her and walked back to our hotel. We sat there freaking out thinking what's happening to her? My best friend told me that yes its hard we had to leave her but she's eighteen now and we're not responsible for her.... I know that's true but I felt like we were since she is my friend but she did get us into a bad situation. Luckily she called and was like why did you guys leave... We ended up trying to tell her why but she was to drunk to get it. So finally we call back and she decides to come back to our hotel but her fling has the audacity to yell at us and say what type of friends just ditch one another.

So sorry for my attempt to make a long story short (well it could of been so longer).... And my main question is was what I did right? She came back and thanked us for being there for her after a long talk and said how good of friends we are and how bad of one she was..... I mean yeah that's cool and dandy but how do you know when being a friend has reached its limit? That night I endangered myself because I didn't want to leave a friend alone or left to fend for herself but sadly it came down to that point..... How do you justify that? I don't know what I'm trying to say but in the end I felt like shit but then again it was the best thing to do. If my best friend didn't come rescue me I would of still been trapped at that hotel....the guys weren't even going to let us leave because we were only eighteen and if we got caught the police would arrest them and shit.... I was like wtf?! So we're being held hostage...

I also would like to know how do you prevent yourself from being the person who has to clean up the mess.... The sad thing is I know she's going to continue to do this shit and drag me along. I mean I love her and we've been friends for long but seriously after that night I've began to question our friendship. I couldn't believe my friend didn't give a shit about me and didn't even help me when I was introuble but I stayed there and did my best to (except for bathroom thing but she said nothing happened /: )..... We have hungout after that and things have been cool but lately she's been really self destructive.... She went into a program for cutting but then quit and says she's better because she hasn't cut in over a month but now she has started to drink more/do stupid shit in place of that. She texted me saying she wants to do something crazy and I just thought shit its only been a few days of this new year and I'm already worn out... I don't know what to do. I feel that we feed off one another and our friendship is growing into something negative. She's been there for me and still is but lately she's just going downhill fast and she's dragging me with her.

I seriously almost thought I was going to die that new years night or at least get raped. I haven't cried so much in one night.... And I got in a car not once but twice with an intoxicated person that night even though I said I wouldn't but of course my friend was like "don't worry I've been in his car before when he was wasted... We'll be fine.". I didn't believe her but I got in anyways.

Ever since my boyfriend/best friend died I feel more of a need to be there for someone I care about even if its not good for me. Its just I feel like I failed once and I don't want to again.... I promised him I would be for him but things got to crazy and I slowly but surely drifted away and I just can't do it this time.... I can't watch another person die.

 

[ShroomBoom321]

Well thing right is watching out for your friends back... I would tell your friend to stop hanging out with these sketchy peeps/older crowd and getting into these situations, and you and your friend being young girls is just putting you more at risk of something going wrong....so yea I feel ya being concerned for your friend n yourself....but seriously be careful.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Well thing right is watching out for your friends back... I would tell your friend to stop hanging out with these sketchy peeps/older crowd and getting into these situations, and you and your friend being young girls is just putting you more at risk of something going wrong....so yea I feel ya being concerned for your friend n yourself....but seriously be careful.

The thing is I tried to tell her numerous times not to hangout with these people or the guy she likes.... She then tells me yeah I know and then goes on about how much she hates him and how he plays with her head. BUT she then changes her mind every fucking time saying she likes him and she had fun that night.... And I'm like wtf?! I can't get through to her.... She then tells me you have guys who like you and shit but I only have him and then I try telling her she deserves better but then she won't listen.

Another thing that scares me is this guy is in the military and so are his friends. Anyways he also does security at this place and is allowed to have a gun..... I guess he has the gun on him at all times and then when he's not working he has it in his car or whatever. So I guess he pulled out the gun to show her before and I was thinking fuck he's going to be drunk one night..... And he has that gun.... And my friend is going to be there all alone. Doesn't sound like a good situation (he also drinks to the point of no return and punches holes in the wall type drunk).

 

[fridgebuzz]

What did you expect drinking in a dirty hotel room with a bunch of dudes to be like? If that's your friend's scene but not yours it sounds like you two don't have much in common. Make new friends. The girl you left with sounds like a keeper but the girl that keeps blacking out sounds like a liability.

Dump her. What you don't know won't hurt you any longer.

 

[Dave]

I think that all that you can keep doing is what you have been doing. Keep giving her good advice, and trying to keep her out of bad situations. But at the same time you need to stop putting yourself into situations where you're at risk. If she's not willing to listen to reason, then you need to take care of yourself.

As much as I hate to say it, people like her often wind up having something horrible happen to them before they figure out what's up. You need to make sure that you're not carried along for the ride.

 

[Missykins]

What did you expect drinking in a dirty hotel room with a bunch of dudes to be like? If that's your friend's scene but not yours it sounds like you two don't have much in common. Make new friends. The girl you left with sounds like a keeper but the girl that keeps blacking out sounds like a liability.

Dump her. What you don't know won't hurt you any longer.

No doubt. That was a bit of no brainer. What did you think these guys wanted to do, play Nintendo?

What happens if you refuse to go along?

 

[xstayfadedx]

No, I knew that it wasn't going to end well. I told her can we please just stay at the hotel? She was like no its fine.... I met her fling previously and he was such a nice guy but I later learned that alcohol can truly make a nice guy into someone you don't want to know. They actually were suppose to stay at the holiday inn (get their own room) but because of the cost they chose to stay down the road. The skeezy motel didn't help but either way if they stayed at the holiday inn the night would of still ended up bad.

The reason I decided to go with my friend is because I didn't want to let her go alone. I had a bad feeling and I was thinking okay maybe she will want to leave if things go bad. And of course I was proven wrong. Sadly, I thought she would care though and leave if I felt like it wasn't a good situation. Yet, of course I ended up stuck there. I could of left at anytime but what friend leaves their friend to fend for herself... I couldn't do that. I couldn't let myself leave her there but then it went even more bad that's when I had to do it.

The thing is my friend was never this way. She was the good kid but up until she started going to the community college in town she met these people. And her being naïve she thinks they're her "friends" and actually care about her but they don't! Trust me her and I became friends in 8th grade when we were in track and field. We never drank together and we were just middle school kids and even through high school we never did this shit together. So this is why I can't leave her.... She's in a rough spot right now and is being self destructive. This is not the girl she use to be... She's very intelligent and caring but lately has been someone I don't even know.

Tonight when I chilled with her we just saw a movie. She talked to me about how she is done with this guy but wants to make new friends when she goes back to college tomorrow. Ones who we can get drunk with. Sadly she has replaced her cutting with drinking... She thinks that drinking is better than cutting because she almost killed herself numerous times. I tell her no you can't replace one bad thing with another but there is only so much I can do.

So don't assume that this is just the crowd I hang around with. Actually most of the people I call my friends don't use drugs or drink. I'm the misfit of the bunch and that's how it is with this friend of mine as well. This isn't my scene nor is it hers... She's just been acting stupid lately and even has admitted herself... I just don't want her to end up getting too deep into this mess and end up dead.

I mean I'm using drugs and drinking too but I don't allow anyone to be brought down because of it but myself. I will never drag a friend along for this ride I'm on now...... My mother told me that's what she's doing to me though and misery loves company. And I feel that she is right but I can't accept the fact that my once perfectly good friend is now just some lost cause.

 

[Dave]

There are no lost causes-- but you can only do so much for her.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Yeah, I realize that but how can you come to terms with it? Like I mean, how do you accept the fact you're going to just let your friend kill herself (which she is and if its not drinking its with cutting herself so badly I'm surprised she's still here now). I don't know how to do it....

 

[herbavore]

It is one of the hardest things to do--to let a person go headlong down their own self-destructive path. I do not advocate complete severing of the relationship but establishing clear boundaries to protect yourself is not only common sense for you but will ultimately help your friend as well. She needs to fell the consequences of her choice to be a victim. If you place yourself in the same path in order to help protect her, you are both endangering yourselves together and no one is helped. Phone calls, texts of support etc. that let her know you care about her and wish her well,while physically staying out of her self-destructive life, are probably the most powerful message you can send her as a friend.

I know you are going through your own hard time, so take care of yourself!

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

What did you expect drinking in a dirty hotel room with a bunch of dudes to be like? If that's your friend's scene but not yours it sounds like you two don't have much in common. Make new friends. The girl you left with sounds like a keeper but the girl that keeps blacking out sounds like a liability.

Dump her. What you don't know won't hurt you any longer.

This. If a girl invites me to a hotel room, there is ONE THING and ONE THING ONLY that I think is going to happen this evening. I probably also wouldn't have buttloads of respect for said girl inviting me back to her hotel room, so when we get there and I find out I'm actually not getting laid like I thought I was, yeah I'd turn into a huge dick too. Just sayin'...we're males.

 

[Missykins]

Yeah, I realize that but how can you come to terms with it? Like I mean, how do you accept the fact you're going to just let your friend kill herself (which she is and if its not drinking its with cutting herself so badly I'm surprised she's still here now). I don't know how to do it....

What happens when you have a serious discussion with her?

 

[xstayfadedx]

This. If a girl invites me to a hotel room, there is ONE THING and ONE THING ONLY that I think is going to happen this evening. I probably also wouldn't have buttloads of respect for said girl inviting me back to her hotel room, so when we get there and I find out I'm actually not getting laid like I thought I was, yeah I'd turn into a huge dick too. Just sayin'...we're males.

Actually the guy said no to doing anything with her. It was his creepy friend that made an advance on me. I already am involved with someone else. We went to the motel for a party, there were other females there too later on. The scary thing is most of them were boyfriend and girlfriends but allowed each other to make moves on someone else later on. Read before commenting and these guys were inviting us for a party and nothing else.... That's what it was at first and I was having fun but then it went bad.

IT was a motel party not a motel gangbang but I had a bad feeling about it and I even told my friend we shouldn't go but of course that didn't happen.


@herbavore: I think that's what I'm going to do. I will no longer do something with her if I have a bad feeling about it or if I obviously know what is entailed. I told her she's going to end up raped one day or worst... She agreed with me and told me she needs to stop hanging out with people like that. Well I don't know what will happen at this point but I guess I should stay away from her unless it is something such as just hanging out like at the movies or something else non crazy.... I mean I don't know if I should even drink with her. Shit the other day we drank at my house (yeah my mother found out and got super pissed) and the only reason we stopped drinking is beccause the liquor was gone. When we're together we encourage each other to drink to the point of no return and I don't think that's good for either one of us. (I didn't encourage her the night of the party though because there were people especially guys we did not know).

I know I'm on my own self-destructive path too and I always forget about myself... And put myself last and others first.

What happens when you have a serious discussion with her?

She ends up listening to me but then eventually she'll go into a phase where she doesn't care one night and wants to do "something crazy". So I guess sadly something bad will have to happen to her before she realizes she needs to stop.

 

[rickolasnice]

She sounds a hell of a lot like my ex (which went on to be my friends ex)..

Thank fuck we don't see her anymore.. always putting herself in bad situations and expecting us to take care of her..

We found out that pretty much everytime she put herself in those situations they wasn't actually bad for her.. it's what she wanted. She accused a few people of rape, which we believed, but looking back on it it was obvious she got drunk, fucked someone, regretted it (or just felt like being a total cunt) and called rape..

This one time she called me and was being all mystical? no.. umm.. talkin in riddles.. but in the end i worked out she was trying to say she was in the car with some guy and needed help.. she gave me a rough location of where she was so i immediately got on a bus to that general area. I get off the bus and get to a pay phone to call her.. her phone goes straight to answer phone. I start to panic and try to call another few times.. each time it goes to answer phone it eats my money. In the end i run out.. I leave the pay phone and look around.. I fuckin see her talkin on her phone walking down the street.. i walk up to her like: "hey whats going on" and she just looks at me angrily and puts her finger up as if to say "shut up im on the phone"..

She gets off the phone and she's still not giving me straight answers so we get on a bus back to where i was (i was out with 2 mates when she first called).. Then while we're on the bus the guy she was with calls and shes like: "oh no it's him".. So obviously i say: "Well don't pick up then".. But she picks up and proceeds to have a friendly conversation.. he was basically just asking her where she went and she was saying something like she thought he went somewhere else (or somethin.. it was a long time ago)

Basically she met up with some guy, went for a drive then went back to his place. She left without telling him. She was never in any trouble. Didn't thank me for me jumpin on the first bus trying to find her. Spending all my money in the phone box. Nothing.

Similar story (same girl).. Same thing kinda happens except this time its like 4am, im in bed and she calls me saying "you don't even care i was in hospital".. Again she only gives me a vague description of where she was and head out on foot (no transport at that time - it was a good 30min walk).. I get there (i guess which flat it was as i could hear noise and there was an ambulance outside).. I wait and she comes out laughing.. looks at me then goes: "ok lets go".. She starts having a go at me for no reason.. drops her bag and expects me to pick it up.. i don't.. just keep walking which then causes her to punch me in the mouth..

There's so many more.. Girl fucked up 2 years of my life and has left me with general anxiety, social anxiety and paranoia. Fuck that cunt.

 

[xstayfadedx]

@Rickolasnice: I'm so sorry to hear you've went through a similar situation... I don't understand how people who you care about can put you through so much bullshit... They feed off of it though and don't care what they put others through.

So far I've decided I'm going to just see how this goes... I've said and done all I could do so far and if she doesn't take anything from the advise I gave her then oh well her loss. She is still my best friend (I know I know) but I'm not going to bring myself down with her. She is a different person when sober and when she drinks sometimes its fine but then....its fucking hell on earth. All I can say is if anything happens to her I will be there for her to talk to but I won't be anything more. I know she would never claim rape if she was drunk and did things but she would sure regret it.... I've told her she would and she knows it too. I guess I need to realize I can't change what someone does and if they end up killing themselves of course I will be sad but at least it wasn't me. I know that sounds terrible but if I stay around her when she's doing stupid shit then I put myself in danger that I don't need to be in.

Thanks all for your help though (LOL one of the more serious threads I posted in awhile....)

 

[rickolasnice]

Fair enough, mate..

Hopefully she'll learn and things will be ok..

Maybe tell her to stop getting drunk around you? And if she does just leave.. Hopefully she'd rather see you than drink.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Yeah, I need to work on my drug use/drinking issue as well... It only gets the both of us in trouble when we're with one another. I mean I know my limit but sometimes when I'm with her we drink so much because we tend to encourage one another. The only reason we stop most of the time is because the liquor is gone.

My very good friend (the one who came to my rescue that night and this friend hungout yesterday. Surprisingly we just went to the mall to go shopping and walked across the city to go get something to eat. We had a lot of fun without using but then of course this friend always has to go I wish we had alcohol blah blah blah and be with that dude. Its fucking annoying.

Ah well, not much I can do but try to not get too deep into drugs/alcohol again. Well I never was deep into alcohol.... Its just I got sober and now I started using again but swapped my opiate addiction with alcohol.... Oh joy 8)

I just know I rather not drink with her or even much at all at this point... All I can hear her say all the time is "omg when we're 21 we're going to be such alcoholics guys...its going to be soooo much fun." The sad thing is she's being serious.