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Want To Get High.... Want To Relapse

Y

yteek

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 13, 2011
Messages
633
Its been since April I've been clean off all drugs. I used to use opiates quite frequently drinking Tussionex,Promethazine and Codeine, snorting Roxicodone, and whatever I could get my hands on. My use was a few times a month, as often as I could get a hold of opiates. I used to smoke weed daily and I also put that behind.I used to also be addicted/dependent to Klonopin(have severe anxiety disorder) but stopped that for like 2 years. Addiction runs in my family and seeing my mom whose been addicted to pills for years still having a hard time getting it together with addiction... after her last stay I just decided to give sobriety a chance as well.

A few months ago I had went to the dentist and was prescribed hydrocodone, I indulged for two days and continued upon my sober streak. Now I'm holding some for a family member whose had surgery, for a recovering addict I believe 56 hydrocodone 10mg pills is a little overkill. I don't want to be a hypocrite but I really want to take a few. I know its wrong and thats holding me back...but I really want to get high after going so long. I think it could be just like my last little setback and I could move on but I don't know...its killing me I've been going back and forth with this in my head. Part of me wants to just pop a few and relax, but it definitely goes against my morals. I almost question if I'm even an addict, since I've maintained so long without any help... maybe I'm not... maybe I'm just rationalizing. Just finished my finals after a nerve racking semester some opiates would be nice, awe what am I to do?
 
If your addiction is/was serious. Do not take them and I would ask the person who your holding those pills for to get someone else to hold them if you feel like you might be tempted to take them. It is hard to say what would happen if you took these but my advice is, don't. Its up to you what happens.
 
Compared to some other people, it probably was mild but addiction is addiction... so either way I guess its serious? I don't know for sure though, I know the answer is not too... I know thats whats right to do. I just want to, the ball is in my court.
 
I think you are rationalizing using these. I've been in the same spot as you, and I remember saying to myself that this can just be my last relapse and move on after. I would suggest giving these pills back to the owner and having him find someone else to hold them.

Much love
 
Addiction is addiction but it still matters what addiction means to you. If you feel that it was problematic and that using opiates again will bring you back to a point where you do not want to go then there is reason to be cautious. Whether or not you feel it will become problematic also doesn't necessarily determine whether or not it will be.
 
I went and gave in, ingested 30mg. I feel bad about it, but temporary relief will soon prevail.... shaking my head. This goes against my values and makes me feel like such a hypocrite..damn me. Its the choice I made.
 
Its just I value staying clean for so long, I tell my mom and other people about addiction and I generally speak out about it. Then I do this, damn it... I don't see this spiraling out of control but its just the principal.
 
You're always going to run in to temptations and craving like this and you're always going to say "one last time and that's it" until you finally put your foot down and make it through without giving in. I guarantee that this isn't "the final setback".
 
Well you don't have to beat yourself up...now you'll know that you don't like how you feel when you consume something after having stayed away for a good period of time :)
 
shady4091 said:
You're always going to run in to temptations and craving like this and you're always going to say "one last time and that's it" until you finally put your foot down and make it through without giving in. I guarantee that this isn't "the final setback".
Click to expand...

Its up to me, the same choice I made to stay sober, the same choice I made to use, its the same choices I make that will either make or break me. You live and you learn....I'll see. I have no connects to drugs and am not planning to go back to DR shopping but having a big bottle of pills was just a little to tempting.
 
True enough, and I'm sorry, I re-read that and it may have come off a bit rude, I didn't mean it to be. I mean I've been when your at so-to-speak and when the options there, it's damn near impossible for me to not give in and just tell myself it'll be the last time. You definitely use opiates a lot less than a lot of other addicts and you've managed to quit for quite a long time so you of anyone could probably pull it off if you have exceptional willpower. But it's risky.

And yeah, definitely don't beat yourself up about giving in. I know exactly what it's like right now. Exactly lol
 
yteek, it seems that part of the choice of not using is acknowledging that there will be temptations and deciding what to do about them. Like you say, you live and you learn. You seem to have a really clear and honest view of things. Like everyone else has said, don't be too harsh on yourself; that can be a habit that comes back to bite you. You had the temptation in front of you and you succumbed--and then you felt terrible. Now you know that it wasn't worth it to you. Use that knowledge and the memory to help you through next time.<3
 
I know you say you were addicted, but to me sounds like occasional drug use which is fine. I indulge myself every once and awhile. I guess its all how about you look at it (addiction), just like anything in life.
 
Soon you'll be doing dope in no time. I went from Vicodin to Percocets to Roxies to Oxies and in the middle somewhere Dilaudid to Heroin.

P.S. This is all when I was 15/16/17. At 18 I was introduced to Heroin. And now at 21, I've never looked back. I'm still addicted.
 
^^^No shot, I took 50mgs last night and I might dose again tonight then throw away the rest. I'm not really well connected anymore and don't like the hassle of going to the doctor just to get high....so I'll try to get back on track while I'm still ahead and go back to the sober cobra lifestyle.
 
That's the best way to go. You're human, just like the rest of us, and having that kind of bonanza would be very hard to pass up. I've never been addicted to opiates, and I'd have a hard time not skimming a few. You're committed to sobriety though, and as long as you an put this behind you there'll be no problem staying clean.

Best of luck to you, and keep us all posted on how you're holding up!
 
In NA, your holding on to your "friend's" pills would be called your reservation. You gave yourself an out by holding those pills to begin with, you created
a scenario where, frankly, for the majority of addicts, would have had the same outcome. Now you know that you're not that special.

What are you doing to stay sober?
 
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