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Friendships in Outpatient...

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beeasybreezy

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Dec 6, 2011
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I have made many aquaintances at my outpatient facility and I would really like to become closer with a few people there. All of my current friends are hardcore addicts of one kind or another so I am trying to broaden my social circle. I will give a description of some of the people there and any feedback would be greatly appreciated! (I am 22, straight, female btw if that helps with your opinion.)

UC: Early 60's to 70's... Artist... Likes Dandelion wine, plays in a band, reminds me of a hippy. She always wears super bright pants and cool reflective shades. She's friendly but I feel like she judges me because I smoke cigarettes.

MD: Late 30's to early 40's... Going through a divorce. I thought he liked me but maybe it was wishful thinking. He flirts with me but he hasn't asked for my number. He could have had a one night stand but didn't go because he was supposed to meet the chick in a bar... I think he really didn't go because he was thinking of me and he knew I would react badly...

SD: 63, doctor, she's not arrogant, that's just how people view her. (Those were her exact words.) She's having an affair with a married man but she's quite friendly with me. She is very supportive of my academics. I just question her morals. It upsets me that such a prominent woman could be with a married man. I'm disappointed in her. For shame.

MR: 22, very loud. Likes sports. He's a mans man. MD and him are friends. I think MR thinks I am a man. He always punches my arm and slaps my back. Maybe he thinks I am a man and he's gay? He likes me too. Everyone there is harboring a crush on me.

Z: 23, artist, quiet. We laugh at people because we are sad. If we laugh then it prevents us from crying. Z does not hit me. I think he hates me. Forget Z.

More to come later. I have worn myself out thinking of all of these potential friendships... Possibly even potential lovers! What's a girl to do?!
 
So what exactly is your question?

Just as an aside, I think it's a better idea to try to find new friends that have had nothing to do with the drug culture. Old habits die hard. Old habits of you AND everyone around you die even harder or don't die at all.
 
I want to know which (of any) of these people would make good pals.
I do hear what you're saying though.
I should focus on my recovery and ex-addicts could be liable to relapse.
Maybe I'll become Muslim and only hang out with people who have been and will always be sober.
 
beeasybreezy said:
I want to know which (of any) of these people would make good pals.
Click to expand...

What is your goal in making these new friends?

If it's to find people to keep you sober, choose the ones that are most serious about recovery. If it's to make close non-romantic friends, choose the ones you enjoy spending time with. If it's to find someone to fuck your brains out, choose the ones that you're attracted to or that have a crush on you.

etc.
 
It's highly recommended that you do not pursue anything with anyone you meet in rehab groups. It's a time in your life that's meant for healing and self-reflection. It's not a time to sew your wild oats, which presumably you just got done doing elsewhere...

Z sounds the most promising tbh....how's his art?

What's a girl to do? A girl is to grow up and become a person moreso than an impulsive bundle of pleasure receptors. That's what's recommended anyway.
 
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CoffeeDrinker said:
It's highly recommended that you do not pursue anything with anyone you meet in rehab groups. It's a time in your life that's meant for healing and self-reflection. It's not a time to sew your wild oats, which presumably you just got done doing elsewhere...

Z sounds the most promising tbh....how's his art?

What's a girl to do? A girl is to grow up and become a person moreso than an impulsive bundle of pleasure receptors. That's what's recommended anyway.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your response. Z is a talented artist. I think his work is amazing! But what you are saying is true... I think it'd be impossible for me to have just a friendship with anyone there. Everybody is a bag of hormones. I feel a bit like I should go into self imposed isolation. I'll turn off my cell phone and focus on me. If my groupies don't stop harassing me I can try and change outpatient programs.
 
beeasybreezy said:
Thank you for your response. Z is a talented artist. I think his work is amazing! But what you are saying is true... I think it'd be impossible for me to have just a friendship with anyone there. Everybody is a bag of hormones. I feel a bit like I should go into self imposed isolation. I'll turn off my cell phone and focus on me. If my groupies don't stop harassing me I can try and change outpatient programs.
Click to expand...

lol thank you for not taking offense at my comment, I didn't mean to sound so sarcastic.

I was lucky enough to have an outpatient group that made a fairly strict set of rules and contract we had to sign. One of the things in there was that you weren't supposed to meet up with anyone in the group unless it was to carpool to go to an AA or NA meeting. And I talked with my counselor of that group about that rule a lot because one guy around my same age invited me to his gym and I really wanted to learn the style of kickboxing that he was into and wanted to get into better shape (it seemed like there could've been no harm in it), but he advised against it because he said people are most likely to relapse when they think they are totally out of the woods and then let their guards down...also, when you meet someone in a rehab group, that means that both of you have reached places in your life where you let things get out of control and you are very vulnerable in many different ways that you might not even be aware of. Also he said that since this was his regular gym, that means he got into trouble with some of the guys from it, and so I would likely join a circle of people who might encourage bad decisions, and who have been proven to do so in the past. The variables between two unstable people getting together under innocent circumstances can lead to stranger things than two former drug users using drugs again, ya know?

Relationships are hard even when you have your shit together, and they can be toxic or unhealthily stressful when you don't, stress you don't need on top of all the stress yo're already dealing with. That's why it's more important to just focus on healing and getting down to the root of the problems that got you into rehab in the first place. And another thing is that if you were to become lovers with someone in a rehab group, it is very likely that instead of love it's co-dependency that keeps you two together, and that's an unhealthy and desperate situation that basically uses your partner as a crutch, or you both become each other's crutches instead of true lovers.

I'm just trying to give you some of the advice that was given to me during my stay in an outpatient program. I still believe fully in living for the day and following your heart, and taking chances and all that, so I'm not saying it'd be the worst thing in the world if you try to pursue anything with anyone. And, who knows? Maybe they just want to talk and vent, and you're just thinking they're trying to get with you. Just having conversations with them can't really hurt. My group all talked to each other and would consider each other friends, and we shared what was on our plates. Then again, there weren't any beautiful girls in my group...that could change things, unfortunately...
 
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First....remember that people in the 1st year of recovery change drastically.
I am in recovery, and also a director of a state licensed outpatient center.
My advice, for what it is worth, is to get to know you 1st!

We often take what comes by if we do not have a list of things/qualities we desire in a person, even a friend. BUT....big BUT...you better know what you do not want/will NEVER put up with. Here is what I have all clients do. Maybe try it. Remember we cannot change anyone. If the person has 3 out of 5 things then it may work. In all the years I have
been practicing I have never seen a relationship make it if the person had less than 3...

Use 3x5 cards as the order will change, and don't be afraid to add one, but then take one away. Too big a list is a set up for failure.
A) list 5 things/qualities you want/desire/think the person should have.
B) List 3 things you will NEVER put up with EVER!!

Hope this helps, no it may not be what you wanted to hear. Most couples do not make it in recovery together, yet some do. Sorry that is the data
My wife & I have been married over 25 years last month, both same time of recovery, never went to a treatment center & both work together at centers I put together. So, yeah some do work....
 
I really think this thread has not a legitimate place here in SLR.
 
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