Seattle Stranger,
Good call setting it down.
I am shocked you would get 'threshold' effects from such a miniscule amount, though.
Did it include even the slightest euphoria or elevated mood?
I would expect not, but maybe some stimulation.
Every research study I have read on recovery concludes that the 'markers' of recovery are positively correlated with abstinence.
Tests of psychological well-being and executive function normally require at LEAST one year of abstinence.
Tests of cognitive function typically reveal modest loss of impulse control, and increases in novelty seeking behavior.
But DELAYED VERBAL RECALL remains lower in former ecstasy users for as long as they are followed, which isn't long.
The odd thing about these memory tests is that the deficit is NOT seen early on in recovery, but only after a year has passed.
It is the 're-wiring' of the brain that likely causes the change - and even 2.5 years of abstinence does not allow reversal.
I recently heard from a person who is 6 years abstinent and still claims to have a little difficulty in 'verbal maneuvering'.
It appears that language is altered in a very long-term way in SOME MDMA users.
However, these studies need to follow these people for MUCH longer periods of abstinence to draw conclusive results.
I strongly suspect that intensive therapy could reverse some of the language deficit.
For myself, typing incessantly on BL served as a powerful mental workout for months.
Somehow drawing words out actually helped control the anxiety that was occurring.
It directed the energy, and I cannot imagine what would have happened without such an exercise.
But despite my efforts, I started to notice real communication issues in the last two months.
I also quit taking Piracetam, again. This is a big factor on its own.
But I have gone DAYS in a row in which the words did not FLOW.
But thankfully there seems to be a breakthrough if I keep trying.
Yes, it can be frustrating, but eventually it clicks back into place...and I type like mad.
I am still more likely to make small spelling or punctuation errors - something that did NOT happen earlier in the year.
Oh well...
Other 'markers' of recovery, such as SERT density in the cortex or DAT density in the striatum do not appear to 'recover' even after 3 years of abstinence! This does not apply to all ex-MDMA users, but it does for those with major losses early on.
Again, we need much longer studies.
Anecdotal reports on BL have concluded that even 4 years of abstinence did not restore 'magic' when rolling.
One person said it took 7 years of abstinence to regain any magic, and another said 10 years.
Primate evidence shows that acute axonal injury does not return to original density even after 7 years.
This is pretty compelling evidence that suggests 'brain damage' from MDMA, while it does not occur to all users, can persist in a PERMANENT way. Yes, the brain continues adapting as the years pass. And the precise role of serotonin isn't understood...
But language deficits and abolished PROLACTIN response to future MDMA use sure suggest a real and tangible loss.
If I remember correctly, it has been two years since your 'comedown'.
But you have rolled twice since then, possibly counting the tiny dose you mentioned above.
I strongly recommend that you wait until the 4 year mark to try again.
I believe by that point, even if you don't 'roll', you are unlikely to set yourself back very far.
And you are more likely to experience SOME type of euphoria, rather than feeling just wired up.
Somedud tried to roll at 8 months into recovery because he was feeling really good.
He didn't roll at all - no euphoria.
But he said it STOPPED his major anxiety like flipping a switch.
And then he started sleeping VERY deeply.
This matches what happened to me when i started taking 5-HTP around my 8 month mark.
Very relaxing, very sedating, and I finally got real REM cycles in my sleep.
But for Somedud, it turned out to be a MISTAKE later on.
Within weeks he started saying he felt MORE disconnected from reality than before - less able to read people.
Body language, facial expressions, answering questions all seemed MORE surreal to him.
But he maintained that his 'anxiety' was still lower.
He was functioning less, but he didn't care as much.
I predicted that within a few months his anxiety would return.
I turned out to be right.
He ended up on Lexapro in an attempt to end his newfound suffering.
Within 5 weeks, which included healthy diet and exercise, he was proclaiming to others he found a 'cure'.
He was nonchalant and even AMUSED at his previous anxiety.
I was very happy for him - but worried.
I have a LOT of experience with former SSRI users over the internet.
Sure enough, it stopped working so marvelously for him.
He started feeling more and more unhuman - which is known to happen to some people on SSRIs.
They literally disconnect people from ALL emotions, esp. if serotonin transmission is compromised.
Many former MDMA users have discovered that SSRIs don't work as expected for them.
He quit the Lexapro, to say the least.
He is at 15 months recovery and still wishing for it to end.
If he hadn't taken that damn MDMA and lexapro, he may very well be stable by now.
He has considered ECT, which is something I recommended.
He is already in counseling and I believe he is exercising.
For the record, I am quite proud of him despite his two bad choices.
They are very understandable mistakes, because this is an unending an empty existence.
Serotonin is more important than most people can even imagine!
And he had some really fucked up things happen other than the MDMA.
He is a pretty strong guy to survive it all - I just hope he is able to recognize this one day.
But the point was to show you that rolling again CAN have real consequences for you.
Even people without typical 'brain damage' claim that the comedowns get worse and worse.
This is a trend.
Wow, i really carried this post on and on...
Did I mention I have breakthroughs and I type like mad?
Good stuff.
Post over.
