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Affair with a married guy

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blue valentine

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 11, 2011
Messages
154
Location
Chicago
I really feel kinda stupid saying this but...I have somehow found myself in a totally amazing sexually fantastic relationship with a guy who's already married. OK. Back story, when I met him he neglected to tell me about his marital status for about a month. He is the first guy I've been interested in since being widowed at age 28. He really reeled me in, I admit I'm lonely, and he is super smart, funny, good-looking, blah blah. We also have some very unigue things in common, like both being the survivors of fatal car crashes and struggles with addiction. We were talking ALL the time, and having really hot sex. THEN his wife found his phone and called me. Seriously, I was totally shocked and really pissed off.

But for whatever reason, we kept talking. At first talking as if we were not going to continue our sexual relationship, but I guess acting like we were gonna be "friends"...Obviously this was not really gonna happen. After a little bit of time we picked back up where we left off...only now I have to say that the obvious "wrongness" of it has me seriously turned on and the sex is even better, and our emotional connection seems extra intense. I know it's a complete cliche. I KNOW this. His wife doesn't understand him like I do, she won't fuck him, blah blah. And I also have a background in psychology that makes me see that the combination of "illicit" sex, emotional connection, and secrecy can be a very potent combination in making people do things they might normally not.

I don't expect him to leave his wife. I might be a masochist but I'm a realist too. I don't even know where I'm going with this...I guess I'm a little surprised about the lack of guilt I feel about it...like I said the "wrongness" of it serves to turn me on more than make me feel guilty...my guess is maybe I'm not even wanting a real relationship after Jon's death and maybe being with a guy who is unavailable is really what I am after...but I didn't realize he was married at first, remember? Any thoughts on this? Just being honest, don't worry about my feelings, I'd like to hear what people think about this.
 
Back story, when I met him he neglected to tell me about his marital status for about a month.
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They do that a lot. ;) I think this should have been your first sign that he's not a good guy.

I think a lot of women start out saying they don't care about the wife, but later on they realize they do and things get messy. You've just been through a horrible ordeal, so I think your guard is down and he's not a good person for taking advantage of it. However, there comes a point when the blame turns from him to you, and if he hurts you, it's gonna be hard not to blame yourself.
 
Dump his ass. Im sure his wife won't fuck him for a reason. get a good vibrator until an available dude comes along.
 
It's not really weird or rare. It happens a lot and the outcome is usually the girl gets hurt, because she thought for some reason she was special when really, the guy just wants to get his rocks off with another female.

I'll tell you what I told my friend: be careful. If you think you're special, you're not. If you think you're going to see this guy every day, have a type of secret fun affair and want nothing more from him, that's probably not going to happen either. Right now it's new, so you think you can handle it and it's no big deal. I'm sure he throws out all kinds of reasons why he's having sex with you but keeping the wife. I'm sure you think your situation will be different from the tons of other women who go through the same thing, but chances are, you're just going to be in the same situation like many other women. He'll go back to his wife after telling you he loves you or you're special. You'll feed jaded and betrayed and feel hurt. He's a dirtbag, but if you keep it going, at some point, it's your own fault for letting it happen.
 
stick to unmarried men
of course you understand him better than his wife does 8)
fuck that
why give him the best of both worlds at your expense?
 
blue valentine said:
my guess is maybe I'm not even wanting a real relationship after Jon's death and maybe being with a guy who is unavailable is really what I am after...but I didn't realize he was married at first, remember? Any thoughts on this? Just being honest, don't worry about my feelings, I'd like to hear what people think about this.
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I think we unconsciously sense things like unavailability in potential partners, and while you didn't know he was married there might have been something in you, some intuition, that drew you towards him because you knew this was not going to lead to another life-long commitment...
 
Lysis said:
They do that a lot. ;) I think this should have been your first sign that he's not a good guy.
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Meh, I don't know that immediate neglect to tell somebody about relationship/marital status necessarily makes somebody a bad guy. I think me and my girlfriend of many years broke up like a week ago (it's hard to know if/when it is official when two people have been joined at the hip for 7+ years), so I'm not sure if I should refer to her as my girlfriend or ex, but when talking to girls I often purposely left out any of my relationship status, I'm not completely sure why but I never had any intentions of cheating, or even thoughts about it. I would only bring up my girlfriend if a girl began to start hitting on me, which happened a lot more when I had a girlfriend than before I did (wtf God?).

So it isn't always a bad sign. I was 1000% loyal. I think some guys just don't want to bring up their girlfriends in front of girls, for reasons even they cannot understand. But for me, it was never for the purpose of deception.

That said, never date a married person. Ever. Seriously. Murders happen this way. It has happened to friends of mine (dating married people, not getting murdered over it, although almost 8( ) and has never gone well. The SO will find out, and it will put you in a heap of trouble. Especially if you feel an emotional connection, as the motherfucker is never going to leave their SO, so even if they don't find out you will just be desperately hanging on to some hopeless thread. And if they do find out, the person your with isn't going to go out with you. You will only be associated with massive trauma, and who wants to date somebody who they relate to one of the worst experiences of their life?
 
The fact that they've had sex negates any "oh, it wasn't that important at the time!" BS. Yeah, tell it to someone who is a little more naive.

The rest of the post, umm, yeah funny.
 
If he didn't tell you about his wife, what makes you think he remembered to tell you about any additional girlfriends he might have besides you?
 
littlepenguin said:
I am in an EERILY similar situation. Wow.
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I'd like to hear if anyone HAS been in the same situation...any of y'all ever cheated? Or been the one who someone's cheating with? How did it turn out?

I really appreciate the responses. And for the record...THIS I actually feel guilty about--3 kids. This is why I KNOW he's never gonna leave her for me, no matter how "emotionally connected" we are...I'm still thinking that this may have to do with me subconsciously choosing someone unavailable, maybe because I was so devastated when my husband died, I can't imagine truly falling in love again. But I worry. I can say that I won't fall in love, say I'm a realist, say I know he won't leave her, say it's just about sex...but somehow I imagine my feelings will come into it (and I guess they already are) and I will end up getting hurt.

I've tried the "casual" sex thing on occassion, before I was married--and as much as I try to keep feelings out of it, sex (especially good sex) manages to make me start catching feelings. Suppose it has do do with oxytocin or whatever, the bonding chemical released during sex, which is what I've heard about before.

And Lola...really interesting reply, I'd never thought of it like that, but you might be right that even though he didn't tell me he was married, maybe I did sense some kind of unavailability and therefore knew he wasn't gonna be another "lifelong partner" like you said...very insightful and you just might be right.
 
eh i was the other guy once. real fun in the begininng but after that not so much. we'd known each other for a real long time. and then one day we started talking again and then it just happened. carried on fora bout a month or 2. then im pretty sure she got guility or w/e.

shit happens we only live once.
 
Wait you don't believe in monogamy and you're a widow? Were you faithful to your dead husband? Why do people who don't believe in monogamy get married again? I don't mean to sound insensitive, considering your husband died and everything, but I don't understand how a widow can have your perceptions. Let's consider this scenario for a moment: What if your husband never died, and you were still married (naturally), and he did this to you with another woman? How would you feel? Would you care? That poor woman probably vomits at night because of what you and her "husband" are doing to her. What if she kills herself and drowns all three of her children in a bathtub? Okay, that's unrealistic, but I like to be a real fuckwad about this stuff. If I were that woman, I'd punch him in the balls, cut your tits off (in my mind), and take him to court for custody. Then I'd let the two of you bump uglies until the cows came home. Get your thrills now before someone commits suicide! ;)
 
littlepenguin said:
I do know that it takes 'two to tango...' however - I am not the one in a relationship. I have nobody to answer to. I'm not the one fucking some broad in my mate's bed. I'm absolutely not innocent by any means, but I definitely think that it's his 'thing.' Go ahead and bash me now. :)
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I absolutely agree with you on this point; I am to blame for messing with my own feelings and the possibly disasterous results would be all my own responsibility...but as far as the actual cheating, that's HIS committment, not mine. I didn't make any promises to anyone; he did. I agree with you entirely about that.
 
The "not my problem if I'm involved" is really disturbing. That's a ridiculously insensitive thing to say and even more disturbing if you actually believe it. I know married men don't always reveal what is going on. Some say they are separated or getting separated. Some lie outright, but once you find out, you are just as guilty if you keep it going.

Be a woman and have some ethics. You are trying to validate yourself and attempting to make it OK by creating lame reasoning that it's not your commitment. It's a cop-out, and I doubt very much you are really only in it for sex. It rarely works that way, but on the Internet on a topic in which we want to sound "in control," we make ourselves sound like tough guys/girls.

You're gonna get burned like the other woman who say and do the same thing.
 
I agree. Even if she really doesn't care about his family situation (which is characteristic of an arrogant sociopath), it'd be nice to know how she would react in his wife's position. The whole "I'm a careless diva act" is HOPEFULLY just that, an act."
 
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Beana said:
Wait you don't believe in monogamy and you're a widow? Were you faithful to your dead husband? Why do people who don't believe in monogamy get married again? I don't mean to sound insensitive, considering your husband died and everything, but I don't understand how a widow can have your perceptions. Let's consider this scenario for a moment: What if your husband never died, and you were still married (naturally), and he did this to you with another woman? How would you feel? Would you care? That poor woman probably vomits at night because of what you and her "husband" are doing to her. What if she kills herself and drowns all three of her children in a bathtub? Okay, that's unrealistic, but I like to be a real fuckwad about this stuff. If I were that woman, I'd punch him in the balls, cut your tits off (in my mind), and take him to court for custody. Then I'd let the two of you bump uglies until the cows came home. Get your thrills now before someone commits suicide! ;)
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I never said I didn't believe in monogamy; that was a different poster in relating her experience. I actually do believe in monogamy and I was faithful to my husband for the entire 8 years we were together. I made a vow and stuck to it. Yes maybe it is sociopathic for me to put the responsibility of HIS vow on HIM and say that it's not my problem. It sounds really fucking insensitive, and maybe I was overexaggerating a bit when saying that I don't feel anything for his wife or whatever...but I really do feel like their relationship is not so much my concern. I would never want him to leave her for me; obviously he doesn't believe in monogamy and once a cheater, always a cheater in most cases. But to tell the truth, my lack of guilty feelings is part of what prompted me to post...sorta feeling guilty about NOT feeling guilty. Like I should feel worse about it but I don't. But maybe down the line I will. I have no idea.

BTW, if the woman was going to kill herself because of an affair, I would be very sad but not necessarily blame myself. I have a friend who committed suicide, and everyone wanted to blame his significant other because of things she had said and done in their relationship, not always great. However I think most experts will agree that when someone commits suicide, blaming the people around them is rarely productive even if the people around them fucked up. We all make our own decisions.

I'm not saying I'm proud of what's going on either. I have a million conflicting feelings about him and the whole situation.
 
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