Just wish someone cared.

[ScreamingButterfly]

I don't even know where to begin and I apologize if this thread is long but I desperately need someone to talk to. I don't have a lot of people in my life but it seems the few I do have don't handle it very well when I'm upset. I feel if I really told people how I truly felt they would be upset. I have tried on a few occasions and all people have told me is not to feel the way I feel and to toughen up. I want to be able to feel the way I feel. I want the people who say they love me to act like they give a damn. I'm dying for comfort from someone. I have a boyfriend who I really love, but lately we have both been stressed and we seem to be fighting more lately. He tells me it's not my fault and that it's his, but I can't help but feel like it's me. I feel like I always say or do the wrong things. I just miss hearing the loving things he used to say. I understand he is stressed and I don't expect him to be perfect. I just miss the good times. I just want to hear something nice from someone. Over the last few days I realized why I used to be addicted to heroin. It was the only source of comfort I had. It was a lot easier to be out of it all the time than deal with problems. It's almost been a year since I've been off it. I keep telling myself that my boyfriend and family is more important and that is how I stay sober. I feel alone in being an ex addict. My boyfriend and friends won't understand what it is like to crave a drug to make yourself feel better, most people just cope in a healthy way. Sometimes I just feel like people would be better off without me. I know people tell me I shouldn't feel that way but I do. Things have been tough lately I live with my mom and she lost her job, plus I'm on disability due to chronic pain so we have been struggling. Recently I decided I wanted to go to nursing school. I wasn't able to go this semester due to not having money for the registration fee. I just feel like the people I know are fed up that I don't do much. I feel so pressured that if I don't do something major with my life soon people will get mad at me and love me less. Today I just feel like most of my dreams are crushed. I just feel like running but there is no where to go. I just wish I could tell all the feelings to people I know. I have been to therapy and on medication for years and various ones at that. It helps some but it can't replace comfort from the people you know. Thanks for letting me vent and I appreciate any response. Sorry that it was so long.

 

[effie]

Hey ScreamingButterfly,

Thank you for coming here and getting that off your chest

I am sorry you are feeling that way. I can really empathise with a lot of things you say.. it sounds like you are a perfectionist and have very high standards for yourself, which puts a lot of pressure on you, and you are assuming others see you in the same way.. but in my experience, no one ever judges you as harshly as you judge yourself. You say people love you - they must have their reasons why they do

Have you tried explaining how you feel to people? Some people just aren't very good with stuff like this - it doesn't mean they don't care though. I've found that often the least likely people can handle things surprisingly well, so there may be someone you haven't thought of who would be wonderful.. can you talk to your boyfriend? It sounds like he cares about you a great deal, despite being stressed at the moment.. two stressed people are bound to struggle a little, as when you are under pressure you sometimes need allowances made, but if you both are then it makes it very tricky. Have you explained to him how you feel?

I know it is hard to see it at the moment, but I can assure you people would not be better off without you...

Do you think you might be depressed? It sounds like things are very difficult for you at the moment.. it is common to feel quite depressed when you stop opiates (big congratulations by the way!) and it can make it very hard for you to think well of yourself or feel any hope for the future. Is there anything that makes you feel good about yourself or that you enjoy at the moment?

I think you need to try to be kind to yourself - you have chronic pain, you have quit heroin, you have money concerns and your mother has lost her job - things are tough at the moment, but you are surviving, and you have plans for the future. That is something to be really proud of

 

[srrondina]

Im going to start off by saying im sorry to hear your feeling so blue. Please dont think im some kind of Bible pusher because im not im just going to tell you what worked for me because as i read your thread it reminded me alot of what iv went through in my life and i tried alot of things from drinking to any kinda pill you can think of. so pease keep a open mind and just think about this...... try getting a bible and open it and just start reading, i know it sounds kinda lame but i really felt alot better after i started reading the bible. you dont have to read the entire thing in one setting but if you do(wow your one hell of a fast reader lol). Just give it a try. i hope you feel alot better and the last thing i will tell you is just take it day by day, DONT STRESS on something that hasnt happened yet like what is my boyfriend going to think about this or that ect ect ect.

 

[ScreamingButterfly]

Thank you for your responses. When I sat here and thought about it I realize I do have very high standards for myself and I am probably judging myself harshly more than anyone. I got into a fight with my boyfriend tonight and I hate when that happens. Sometimes we don't always see things the same way but I do love him and I know he does try to be there for me. We have made up now but sometimes it just takes me a while to get over things. I just feel so alone sometimes with how I feel. Yes I do suffer from depression and I am currently on medicine. Just with all this stress it hasn't been working as well as it used too. I haven't been able to do my usual hobbies since money as been tight but the boyfriend has helped me get through that. Both of your responses helped more then you know. Sometimes just having people understand where you are coming from helps more then anything. Thank you so much!

 

[Dave]

When I was in therapy, one of the things that came up was perfectionism. I thought that it was hilarious, because I do nothing perfectly. But my psychologist explained that I was using my expectation of perfection as an excuse either to give up or to not try. It took a while, but one of the big lessons that I learned was that "'good enough' is good enough". It's one of those tautological mantras that are all but meaningless in and of themselves, but within the right context they can be profoundly helpful.

Times are tough. It's natural to think back to when things were better, but things are still decent, yes? And even if they're only just tolerable, remember that nothing is permanent-- all things, good and bad, will pass. In other words: you'll get through this, in time. Until then, please try to go easy on yourself.

 

[Sappy_6794]

Hi screamingbutterfly, I see that you have a kurt avatar, so hi fellow kurt lover : D I know that its tought right now but you gotta just fight through, itll get better eventually.

 

[ScreamingButterfly]

All these responses have been very helpful. I never realized opening up to people on the net would help so much. Might just have to do it more often, thank you everyone!

 

[Dave]

TDS is a special little corner of the net. I've seen no other places like it; although I'm sure that there are places out there, I've yet to find them.

 

[srrondina]

Its always helps venting to either a person or the net, but i can tell by what you have wrote that your feeling better and im really gad to hear that. Keep your head up and dont stress over the dumb stuff.

 

[ugly]

peace to you

All these responses have been very helpful. I never realized opening up to people on the net would help so much. Might just have to do it more often, thank you everyone!

I'm so glad you decided to come here and vent... you are definitely not alone. Dark Side on Bluelight is about the only place I have found that can really connect people who are hurting in helpful, meaningful, long lasting ways.

Bluelight is part of my life... I read BL every day. I can talk to people here that have been though worse than you or I have, and I always appreciate the support and the suggestions from the rest of the members here.

There are other parts of Bluelight that are not serious at all; they are the goofy, funny, silly parts that are fun if you feel like playing along. Keep coming to Bluelight. If you have trouble getting around in BL, write to the moderators.... they are fantastic.

 

[Ixchellian]

...... one of the big lessons that I learned was that "'good enough' is good enough"......

.... which also carries the implication that the status-quo is more acceptable than failure, regardless of the fact that good enough will *never* be good enough. It's antithetical to the human spark, and our drive to create.

"good enough" taken too far, too often, ceases to become a sanctuary.... for complacency will always breed entropy and chaos.

we should be able to accept that which we can't change, but how are we to know exactly...... that we can't?

 

[Dave]

Good point. However, when the inability to reach perfection is used as rationale to not make the attempt, smaller steps are valuable.

Stasis is death, but perfectionism will kill. As with most things, the middle ground is best: strive for continual improvement, knowing full well that the destination is never to be reached.

 

[herbavore]

Good point. However, when the inability to reach perfection is used as rationale to not make the attempt, smaller steps are valuable.

Stasis is death, but perfectionism will kill. As with most things, the middle ground is best: strive for continual improvement, knowing full well that the destination is never to be reached.

Another Davism that is heading for the quote thread; following the wise Ixism. to both of yous

 

[badfish45]

not to feel the way I feel and to toughen up.

Famous last words for people who don't understand. If only they knew. Reading your post, you seem like a really good person just looking for some happiness outside of a drug, and I think that's a wonderful thing to want. That feeling that you feel as if it's your fault...it would be fair to say that there is fault contributed from both ends of this. Now I don't know your boyfriend or either of your problems, but there is usually never one right and one wrong, but neither of you can solely hold the blame for the fights in your relationship, because truth is those things happen. Look at the wonderful posts in this thread, they can speak better than I ever can We have some very wise people in TDS and I'm happy that you came here to vent, and just know that you are always welcome back.

 

[ScreamingButterfly]

Famous last words for people who don't understand. If only they knew. Reading your post, you seem like a really good person just looking for some happiness outside of a drug, and I think that's a wonderful thing to want. That feeling that you feel as if it's your fault...it would be fair to say that there is fault contributed from both ends of this. Now I don't know your boyfriend or either of your problems, but there is usually never one right and one wrong, but neither of you can solely hold the blame for the fights in your relationship, because truth is those things happen. Look at the wonderful posts in this thread, they can speak better than I ever can We have some very wise people in TDS and I'm happy that you came here to vent, and just know that you are always welcome back.

Thank you for this response. That is actually what I am looking for, happiness outside a drug. I have certain people and things that make me happy. Just in times like this it feels like I am alone because everyone I know is busy with their lives. Ever since I was young I have just felt different from other people. Other people seem to have more energy for life than I do and they seem to bounce back from problems easier. Maybe it's the depression or the fibromyalgia, possibly both. Drugs were the first thing in life to comfort me, so without them I have had to turn to people instead and it's taking time to get used to. Things are starting to look up a tad. I appreciate all the comments they have helped so much and I look forward to getting to know all of you better since I'm sticking around BL :]

 

[effie]

I am so glad things are looking up a bit! Sometimes it only takes one thing to lift slightly, which lightens the load, which then allows us to handle our other burdens more easily.. and voila, things start to look up

Very glad you are staying too, and I look forward to getting to know you better! :D