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They do not suffer and I hate them

Q

queenscarlet88

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2009
Messages
191
Location
USA
My friends who continue drinking and using drugs seem nonetheless to look, feel, and live better than I do. The unfairness of it makes me choke. They are the ones with the eternally rosy complexions, who remain cheerful regardless of how much they sleep, the drugs they consume, or what's going on around them. They are the ones who take stress in stride.

I understand that a lot of what I'm perceiving is simply illusory projection but it chafes me nonetheless. Their knack for equanimity is what distinguishes them from me, and they do much better than I do throughout their lives, because they don't care--or suffer--the way I do.

I hate them for their effortless slumber, their mingling, the jolly self-unconciousness which propels them through their lives. To them, the simple fact of their existence justifies itself, whereas I ceaselessly fear annihilation because I feel that I deserve it. I am ill with resentment and it is eating me.
 
I'm just going to make a lot of money so it won't matter what they think of me. As a perk this will also allow me to afford procedures to get my face yanked up and shot full of Botox and buffed to the same rosy sheen as theirs. Fuck 'em!
 
PhrostByte: That was unhelpful and inappropriate. A little tact would be appreciated, thanks. I agree with what you've said, more or less, but it could be put far more civilly.

queenscarlet: Everyone does react differently to their surroundings, and appearances can be very deceiving. And no matter how well they seem to be handling things now, it will catch up with them eventually if they don't stop in time; all actions have consequences.

But all that is irrelevant, really. What matters here is how you see yourself. You say that you want to 'make a lot of money so it won't matter what they think of [you]', but I'd counter with: it already doesn't matter what they think of you. If they think ill of you, why on earth would you choose to associate with them? And if all it takes to make them think ill of you is a change in appearance, then their opinions aren't really worth consideration anyway. There are far too many people in this world for anyone to waste their time and mindspace on people who don't treat them well.

Sure, it chafes when it looks like people are getting away with living an unhealthy lifestyle, while you feel the consequences. However, you only have the experience of them that they want you to have; they could well be suffering greatly inside, or have gone to great pains in other aspects of their lives to maintain the facade of health and success.

At the same time, your point of them 'taking stress in stride' is valid: being able to deal with, and as much as possible avoid, stress, is among the top life skills needed in contemporary society. Different people deal with stress in different ways: some appear to just shrug it off, some take everything to heart, some (like myself) internalize it, but then ignore it until physical symptoms manifest. It needs to be remembered, though, that shrugging off stress isn't the same thing as apathy. It can be a fine distinction at times, but the distinction is still there.

Considering your final point, I'd suggest that cosmetic procedures, particularly ones as drastic (and, IMO, unattractive) as facelifts and Botox, would only increase acceptance among those who care only for the superficial, and will not help you feel better long-term.
 
Yeah, Dave is right about the cosmetic thing he said at the end there(and everything else he said as well!). This also goes for becoming rich so you won't care what they think of you. In the end, money means absolutely nothing. When you die, all you have are the experiences and memories of the interpersonal connections you made in the life you lived. It won't matter how much money you made or how "good" you looked in other people's eyes, the only thing that will matter is how YOU felt along the way. As always, the key to peace and serenity lies inside of us all, which is ironically often the hardest place to find it. I'm not trying to sound preachy here, believe me. I am very much also in the midst of a journey to peace and calmness. Stay hopeful queenscarlett, and remember to look inside of yourself for the answers, doesn't matter what everyone else is doing.
 
i would agree with phrostbyte to be honest. i been there and was pissed cause they seemed so happy and weren't stressing about the shit i was even though we all had the same shit. then i realized who gives a fuck? its my life and their own private lives. i eventually learned not to get stressed down about bullshit or carry it with me. my drug shit ran its course.

those motherfuckers are still doing the same shit 8 years later so that should tell you something. theres nothing wrong worrying about important shit.

and everyone fuckin suffers in private at some point. whoever says no is a lying cocksucker
 
Scarlet:

Get out of them and into you. Quit worrying about how well they are doing, or how many drugs they can do while looking pretty, or how "effortlessly" they move through life. Maybe it's said so much that it has lost its' meaning, but do not compare others' outsides to your insides. Period. Say no more do and not analyze.

Life is to be lived, not analyzed. Life is meant to be wholly appreciated in the moments that we exist as opposed to the mind that adds its' own perception. I see a tree... That's it. The first thought is correct and I can completely give myself to that moment. If I think tree... that's an ugly tree. That is incorrect. That is my perception, my own belief, and it goes against the fact. Nothing is ugly, nothing is beautiful, nothing is easy, nothing is hard, it just is. Our mind makes the latter relevant. Therefore, my mind is my enemy.

In regards to your friends... who gives a shit? Let me say it again... who gives a shit? Oh wait, you do! You have to recognize this faulty thinking and rid yourself of it. It's conscious. Recognize your own mind when it jumps track and starts to live in the shoes of a "rosy, drug taking, better-than-me" friend. This is untrue. Your ego believes that you are defined by how you define yourself: the victim. Take mind away, focus on you, and live for only you.

Life is suffering. Some openly deal with it, others do not. Find a way to completely indulge yourself in the fact that life is suffering and that we all die. Once there, you will be free. Then you will not care nor suffer.

Continuing to consciously choose hatred and resentment as avenues of strength and ego will tear you down, burn you out, and destroy what makes you you faster than any drug. In complete mindfulness (no mind altering substances), you will realize that neither past nor future exist. I am in the moment, this is my world, and I will make the decisions that fulfill me as a human being.
 
i agree with fifleman. you gotta not worry about anyone else but yourself. i'd still be on drugs if i gave a fuck about anyone else. it made me more cynical but hey thats me. you gotta love yourself and laugh at yourself too if you want to be happy with yourself.

as bad religion said the masses of humanity have always had to suffer
 
I just don't know how. Existence is uncomfortable and I quit taking drugs so I could be comfortable again. It hasn't worked. I don't understand how to be.
 
paradoxically you have to get comfortable with the discomfort of living; then, voilá, you are comfortable!
 
Larson0 said:
i agree with fifleman. you gotta not worry about anyone else but yourself. i'd still be on drugs if i gave a fuck about anyone else. it made me more cynical but hey thats me. you gotta love yourself and laugh at yourself too if you want to be happy with yourself.

as bad religion said the masses of humanity have always had to suffer
Click to expand...

Their time of reckoning will come. They may be open about it, or they may suffer in silence and put on a brave face. It depends on their personalities. But we all pay the piper one way or the other. The people who put it off the longest, risk the worst breaks. You're doing the sane thing by quitting now and paying your dues.
 
I was shown a video on youtube called "hood to hood" it was a guy that took a video camera to a very rundown project of a bad city and films the local "goons (this is what they call themselves)". They live in rundown buildings, use the bathroom outside in the front yard, and smoke marijuana encrypted with embalming fluid, shoot of guns inside the house with a baby in the floor just because there on camera. The point im trying to make is that they smile alot, and appear very happy. I was confused and pondered these people. And then i came to the conclusion that although they look very happy and do outrageous things, that these people are probably very angry on the inside at one thing or another. People can appear very happy and may even trick themselves into being happy, but i suggest you take a step back. Dont talk to any off them and just try not to worry about it. Its really not that big of a deal and I have done it all my life and beat myself up for doing when i come back around. Hope i didnt lose you. :)
 
^ I don't really agree with this. I think it's totally possible that the people the OP is describing just are happier and more resilient than she.

I often feel like this about the people I know. They just keep on going, no matter what happens. If they're hungover or sick or stressed they just suck it up and keep moving. They always bounce back from the shit that happens to them. At some point, with me and all the drugs and depression, I just lost that ability to enforce my will against the world, and now the tiniest things derail me completely.

The issue is tricky because although it seems like these people are simply better able to cope with things, the fact that they are better able to cope makes the things inherently less stressful. So they're generally dealing with a lower amount of discomfort. It's like in Paradise Lost, when Gabriel says to Satan: "Is pain to them less pain, less to be fled, or thou than they less hardy to endure?" I think it's the first one.
 
Thanks, Suessmayr. I agree with your assessment of pain's subjectivity. I suspect Milton was leading the reader to the opposite conclusion, but what of it!

We each face an endless sequence of choices, by which it is possible to remodel ourselves after the Buoyant Ones. There's no anguish quite like compromise and surrender sans drugs as a buffer, but maybe that anguish is preferable to the spite, paranoia, and loathing which I have been perpetuating for myself.
 
I can understand what you're going through right now. Sometimes i catch myself thinking along similar lines. Feeling a bitterness towards the ones I care about and who care about me because of MY problems. I just remind myself that this is not their fault and all these barriers im creating from letting myself be happy are all in my mind. I love my friends and I just keep telling myself that my friends are there for me.

Have you talked to your friends about the way you're feeling? It could help, it can be painful and embrasssing but in the end it will help. Don't lose hope because things always change, the best things in life some slowly and take patience.
 
A little bit, but I am relieved to say that these thoughts and feelings have a tendency to subside on their own without my needing to divulge them. (Except, I suppose, on this forum =D)

I am having more and more good days but sometimes, like this past weekend, the benzo withdrawal symptoms flare up again and I feel like a hostage to my own thoughts. Contemplation of how some malicious entity is punishing me, future apocalypse, etc. sets in. But these bad spells pass.

What I am learning, however painfully, is how to remain in control of my thoughts and emotions regardless of how little I may sleep, how haggard I think I look, or whatever else is going on. This will enable me to maintain a strong grip on the pertinent portions of reality. I am also learning to let go of the need for narrative, that most pernicious illusion.

Trying to construct a linear path toward "getting better" just does not help me. I have to accept and make the most of the way I feel at any given moment, not look eternally toward the next moment. Progress comes in fits and spurts, and often unintentionally. At the same time, I can make decisions from moment to moment which keep me from wallowing and languishing, so that this progress is able to occur.
 
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I had a happy life on drugs. For awhile. It did not last.
I used to look at my brother how he used and seemed to get all the love and attention and had tons of fun. It didn't last.
It never lasts.

Drug addict don't get famous, they don't become rock stars or movie stars. Famous people become drug addicts. What I mean is. You can make it big and get addicted. But if you are addicted already your heading three places. Jail, Hospital, Death.

Its true. Trust me. It won't last. Just get over it.

I quit drugs because of my health, because im better now then I was on drugs. If however I was better on drugs and more health on drugs. I would still be doing them.
So my question is. What will make you happy? Do that thing. Stop caring about other people deal with your self.
 
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