How do you know if you need help?

[SPC123]

I have a bottle of demerol, enough DXM to keep my robotrip going (I started Sunday) and a doc who just asked me "how much oxycodone do you need me to write you?" I said none. It's too moreish and I've been down that road. Several weeks ago I made my first concerted attempt to kill myself. I ended up running into my parents in a drug induced stupor and decided it wasn't my decision alone to make. I have been self destructive for a while taking the attitude that it's OK if I "accidentally" die but I am a pretty smart guy, so it's virtually impossible for me to do something that would lead to my death without knowing beforehand to either not do it or take life saving precautions. I keep pushing the limits, alcohol plus benzos plus opiates but I guess I am too lucky. HAH!

I have seen a psychiatrist and a behavioral psychologist and I am on effexor, but they all told me the same thing: "You are a smart guy. You know what your problems are. You have made a realistic plan to follow to solve your problems and achieve your goals. There's nothing we can really do for you."

So, what do I do?

 

[Qnick]

You're going to the wrong psychologist and psychiatrist if they tell you "There's nothing we can do for you."

When was the last time you were stone cold sober? Demerol and DXM and alcohol aren't very conducive towards making a realistic plan to follow and solve your problems. And going on self-destructive binges certainly isn't "a realistic plan to follow to solve your problems", it sounds like you may not be giving your psychologist/psychiatrist the full scope of how you view substances.

I know I've just replied to a few of your posts, but its because I've seen myself and friends in a spot like yours before and you're experiencing some very distorted thinking.

If you want my advice it would be to stop trying to use DXM to treat depression, get a doctor who doesn't say they can't help you, and to try to realize taking some conscious altering drug isn't solving any problems, just making you so fucked up you don't notice them.

Consider evaluating these things sober as well, as it's hard to objectively view life decisions while pushing the limits of several drugs at once. No matter who you are, the very nature of these substances change the way you view your surroundings, its not something you can see through just because you're "a smart guy".

 

[SPC123]

I understand what you are saying. I was in a car accident (drunk driver) that messed up my back and was the point at which most of my issues began. Prior to that I was always sober. I worked out regularly, ate healthy and didn't touch so much as caffeine, let alone cigarettes and alcohol. It took me a year and a bit to get over that, get a job and get my life back on track. Then I crashed my motorcycle. It was a very bad one. It's been over a year since that accident and I still have pain. So my plan of action was designed and put into motion while I was sober.

 

[herbavore]

What is your plan of action? Not what you are describing above, right? I'm curious as to what it was that you said to the psychiatrist that sounded like a reasonable plan. were you serious about it?

And, wow, two accidents in a couple of years! I'm sure that set you back.

 

[SPC123]

I told the psychiatrist that I am 32, single and living at home. I have no money, no prospects and a manual labor min wage job that I can barely do but can't do without. I said that it is only logical that someone in my position would be depressed, and since I wasn't depressed prior to the first car accident, it is the temporary stagnation in my life that is clearly leading to my depression.

My plan:
1. Use the resources available to me to finish my degree either full or part time.
2. Use my education to achieve a better job that would allow me independence.
3. Once I had gotten my life moving in the right direction and could take care of myself find someone to share that with.

It is more involved obviously, but those are the key points I feel comfortable sharing.

 

[villian]

Shouldn't your plan involve the cessation of drugs as well?

 

[SPC123]

Shouldn't your plan involve the cessation of drugs as well?

Herein lies the problem. I can't work without drugs due to the pain. I can't afford school without working. I can't get a job outside manual labor without school. Truth be told, I can't afford the drug, so cost prevents me from increasing my effexor dose or my NSAID dose. The ironic thing is, instant release narcotics and DXM are quite cheap, but obviously must be discontinued as a part of a sound recovery solution.