Unable to feel sad?

[nAON]

Not sure this is the right section, though I figured it was the best fit.

The title says it all really. I can't remember the last time I actually felt sad, whether by a friends death or otherwise. Over the last two years, ive probably known at least 4-5 people pretty well that have died, some better than others. I use these as examples since they're basically the universal events that you're meant to feel grief or sadness over, though i'm sure there are plenty of other events similar to them to which I responded in the same way.

Friends of mine tell me about how they cried when they heard the news, or how weeks later they're still distraught, or how they can't imagine life without them. But I never feel like that. I can comprehend the situation, but usually I feel little more than something like disappointment, thinking about how i'm never gonna talk to them again, or how in 10 years time I won't be able to look back on our times together, stuff like that. But nothing like grief, or sorrow.

I don't have any other emotional problems that I know of. I'm not depressed. I have no problem empathising with people, I have nothing like the autism-spectrum problems. And I can't think of any possible traumatic event that desensitised me or something.

Is this normal? Is there something unusual with my subconscious? Or do I just have some sort of stoic personality?

 

[brighton]

interesting.

are you on anti-depressents? it doesnt sound like it, but they can totally numb you out.

 

[nAON]

Nah, not on any regular meds. My recreational drug use is pretty low now too, in the last 2 months i've only used drugs on 3 or 4 occasions. But this is something i've noticed about myself from a while back, over the last 2 years or so.
I don't think I have any problems feeling happy, too. Though i'm not sure how to tell to be honest

 

[brighton]

hmm. talked to a counsellor about this?

 

[effie]

I have a friend who has exactly the same issue. We hypothesised that perhaps it's due to his speed use, or maybe he has anhedonia.. I know that's more of an absense of pleasure/happiness, but I see it as a general flat-ness and inability to experience highs and lows.

It may be a normal varient of personality too. I feel that psychological/psychiatric issues are only an issue if the are causing yourself (or others) some form of upset or distress. How do you feel about it?

 

[Sepher]

nAON, IMO there's no such thing as a 'normal' response to death in general, or the death of someone close to us in particular, and each of us feels grief in our own unique way, just as each cause of that grief is unique in its way. What do you think you're 'meant' to feel? It depends on so many factors: how close we were to that person, what our life experience has been up to that point, how up or down we are generally at the time, how we've learned to deal with intense emotions and rationalise them, all kinds of things. Some people are inclined towards overt demonstrations of grief and sorrow, because the release is their coping mechanism, some internalise those feelings and try to explore them and compartmentalise them rationally.

There's no one right way or wrong way to deal with emotions like sadness, and nothing to say you should feel them intensely in the particular just because others appear to do so. You feel what you feel. If you had no emotional responses whatsoever and were a flat calm incapable of emotional highs and lows then maybe something worth investigating, but if you're otherwise able to empathise and experience strong emotions like love and happiness and anger and sadness triggered in other ways I wouldn't worry. It's just you deal with things differently, or dealt with those particular losses differently to those around you because of the meaning you personally attached to them, or so it appears to you anyways, that's all.

 

[nAON]

@Bri and effie - it doesn't seem to be affecting me negatively, it's more out of curiosity that i'm asking. Just something i've noticed about myself when I compare to other people.

@Seph - yeah, that makes a lot of sense, cheers for the post. I guess i'm the type who will just unleash and go crazy in 20 years or so

 

[Sepher]

Sepher - occasionally useful! :D And yeah, watch out for those repressed emotions. :lol: I tend to swallow everything down and scrunch it up tight inside trying to keep a lid on things till I've got the time and energy to attack it properly as it simmers away. Sometimes it gets too much and the lot of it just explodes out of me and I go bat-shit mental for a bit till I've got it all out. Not good, and I'm aware I sometimes seem to be impassive and dispassionate because of it but that's how I've learned to deal with things. Trying to learn better ways of coping that don't constantly stoke the fires of my inner rage, and doing better at it as I've got older I think.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Great post Sepher, thank you

Just something i've noticed about myself when I compare to other people.

This is the tricky thing about comparing ourselves to other people. A lot of the time it is futile, purely because for a lot of personality traits we are all so unique that there cannot be a reasonable comparison.
What is a "normal" way of reacting to death and grief?
There isn't one.
Everyone deals with life events in their own way. If you don't feel sorrow or despair, that is fine. You still miss the person, and you still feel something for the loss of them. If you honestly didn't care that your friends/loved ones had died, that might be a cause for concern. But you do care, you just don't react as intensely sad as other people might, which as I said is fine

If you feel like you're not allowing yourself to feel sad, as a defence mechanism, like you're protecting yourself from the pain of sadness, that might not be so healthy because you could be bottling up the emotions in your subconscious which could then erupt out at inappropriate times or in much more painful magnitudes. But only you will know if you're doing that. And it honestly doesn't sound like you are.

 

[jaced]

Maybe you are just an extremely rational person who automatically builds strong mental walls when bad things happen. Some people can block out certain emotions totally even without trying. To me it sounds like an advantage being able to accept bad situations without emotion.