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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

i call it malignant bad person disorder.

T

terraincognita

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
15
Living with addiction..thats all i feel is actually transpiring. Like...drugs cause me to become a bad person.. that the reality of my life. I am a bad person, one that cares only about himself, will hurt others...and myself, who is fully aware of his negative behaviour, who even deludes himself with his fantasy world. Its the truth
 
No, you are not a bad person, you are an addict. There is a very big difference. You said it yourself, drugs cause you to become a bad person, which means that you are not inherently a bad person, but the drugs are the bad entity in this situation.

There is a good person inside of you waiting for the chance to come out again, please believe that <3

Where are you at with your addiction? Do you have any inclination to cut down your use, or even attempt quitting?
 
hey terrain, I can relate. I won't go into details but yes, the pursuit of the 'get high' and the flight from myself demanded that I hurt others whether I wanted to or not. Total self-centeredness was what it turns out to be all about.

We know what we are doing but carry on as if we didn't. For me, I hated that 'other guy' I had turned into but was unable to do anything about it because the selfish, hurtful dude I had become had become so familiar. I felt like I was in a hopeless situation and that it would be better if I just died. That never happened though and I'm glad.

It is possible to get back to the 'you' that you always have been (who is most likely a pretty decent person). It takes a lot of change, a lot of discomfort and a lot of facing fears that really have no valid reason to exist in our lives.

It says a lot that you are able to be honest with yourself and recognize the realities of what you are capable of. I respect that. <3

Don't do what we commonly do though and that's use this realization and acceptance of negative traits as a means to justify 'punishing' yourself by falling deeper into the lifestyle that demands all that dirty shit we do. The pain (self inflicted and upon others) does progress and can get much, much worse. It doesn't have to.

Just know that no one is as good or as bad as they perceive themselves. not even you <3
 
I never understood my other side until I had something to compare it to. Once I got clean is when I finally understood what a bad person I really was. When I was lost in my addicted I had no true understanding. Sure I knew I was doing bad but I didn't fully realize to what extent. Now I do and it keeps me from going back. get clean buddy. Bridges can be repaired over time.
 
The way you word this hypothetical disorder and your willingness to be completely aware of your negative behavior makes me think you definitely have aspects of yourself that you can learn to love after you decide to cut your use or abuse. As far as caring solely about yourself, I think this can be a good thing. It can help you cut back your use, care for your health, and get your life going in a positive direction (which goes hand in hand with caring for your use and health, hard abuse has to cut back before desire to have positive direction in life isn't delusional in nature). Eventually nobody has any reason to hate you for caring about yourself too much if you decide to cut back your addiction to where you don't have to delude yourself and can interact with people well enough to maintain social relationships and make accomplishments. These social relationships, accomplishments, and responsibility can build a reality far better to reflect upon than your fantasy world you're deluding yourself with.

You know you are an addict, which is causing you to be this bad person! The bad thing about this is, in the cycle of addiction, your ability to understand and differentiate your addict tendencies and bad actions because they are melted together in comedowns or just being straight strung out. Stop using and give it time. Hell, stop using with the intention of being sober for ever (that is if you can't get the thought of an upcoming high out of your mind) just so you can learn yourself better when you're off drugs for more than a comedown. I believe your self aware nature will hopefully profit from doing that!
 
I have the desire to quit, but i cant shake the fact that i have a pure love for drugs....i cant pretend like getting high doesnt feel amazing.
 
I read over some article on an article about Epicurus who is a Greek philosopher who talked about heidonism. It went along the lines that a life a pleasure is acceptable, it's the way one obtains the pleasure which causes us problems. :S I'm sure drug abuse takes this to another level, but still has some value.
 
Epicurus also defines pleasure in a peculiar way. He's essentially ascetic and the association with hedonism suggests a sort of impish decadence that just isn't reflective of his philosophy. He was really only hedonistic by comparison with the stricter, Stoic philosophers.

Anyway - I also found that opiates made me a shit person. Not so much because they made me scheme or lie but because they just made me inherently evil. I was constantly angry or at least totally dismissive. I had no empathy. I was extremely narcissistic and unwilling to engage. I think it's part of the single-mindedness that comes with drug addiction.
 
i think that if you know you are a bad person but you desire to be otherwise, you are not truly a bad person. you have the potential to be good. you just need to fix yourself. in my opinion, the way you to fix yourself is get off drugs and search for spiritual truth.

spirituality is the only thing that can satisfy my soul besides drugs. if i lacked spirituality, i would intentionally just spend my life using drugs becuase there is no better pleasure than drugs, except for the deep peace of spiritual awareness. if that didn't exist i would argue that drugs were the logical course of action for some people. but inner peace can be found, it just takes a little effort, tht's all.
 
suessmayr said:
Epicurus also defines pleasure in a peculiar way. He's essentially ascetic and the association with hedonism suggests a sort of impish decadence that just isn't reflective of his philosophy. He was really only hedonistic by comparison with the stricter, Stoic philosophers.

Anyway - I also found that opiates made me a shit person. Not so much because they made me scheme or lie but because they just made me inherently evil. I was constantly angry or at least totally dismissive. I had no empathy. I was extremely narcissistic and unwilling to engage. I think it's part of the single-mindedness that comes with drug addiction.
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thats weird. i am a heroin addict and although i find it makes me irritiable and when i am high i am more likely to tell girls they are pretty, i don't find it changes me as a person much at all except for those two things i mentioned.
 
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