First of all, thank you guys so much for all the reply's and input. It feels like a family. I can't express how much it means, to find people that care. People that can relate. That is my problem, when I go to a doctor, or a therapist, they can't relate. That's why I continually come back to Bluelight.
I recently lost my health insurance, so that abruptly put a stop to me seeing my therapist and psychiatrist. I was only able to see them for 3 weeks. And its been almost 3 months since then. Last week I got accepted for IEHP Direct, so if anyone knows any good therapists, psychiatrists or neurologists in the IE, I'll take recommendations.
To the people asking if it was really the pipes or the MDMA that caused all of this, it has to be, in my opinion.
Before drug use, you could ask me if I ever had anxiety, and I would have to ask you "No, what does that feel like?" I was beyond content with my life. I had everything I wanted at the time. No depression, mild stress from some drama that was going on at the time, no medical issues besides some inner ear troubles that I've had since a kid.
Two years ago, I was in Loma Linda University Hospital for a massive mastoid infection that came out of the blue from an untreated ear infection I had. I caught the infection right before it started to get to my brain, leaving me very close to death. At the time I was 16. I was on a 24 hour IV, pumping me with the strongest antibiotics at the time for 31 days.
And the funny thing is, not once did I ever feel an ounce of anxiety. I was actually in a good mood most of the time. Laughing with my family in my hospital bed, even though I saw my parents cry, I didn't cry once.
And look, now one little pill, and I am no longer mentally stable.
I could go to the beach, get drunk off my ass, pass out, and be golden the next day. Now, if I drink 2 or 3 beers and I start to feel a buzz, it automatically triggers a panic attack, I have to go inside, drink a huge glass of water and walk around for a few minutes, telling myself to calm down. I can't even imagine smoking weed again...I would probably run out into the street and get run over.
First Bad Comedown, once again, thank you for time and generous input. I knew you would read this and be one of the first to reply
The story about you being at the bank, is exactly how I feel whenever I go out. Ill be standing in line at Stater Bros, and i'll get this overwhelming numb feeling. I'm just waiting to get the fuck out and go home. When I look around, things feel slowed down and my reality feels like a still photo.
It does feel like a cancer, I often tell my family, I feel so sick and so bad, that it honestly feels like I could just throw my sickness up. My stomach is constantly filled with butterflies and cramps. I can feel it eating me up from the inside out.
I was seriously considering starting down the path of SSRI's but you keep reassuring me that it will hurt in the long run, so I'm going to write that off again.
You suggested Selegine, but if it's in the same category as Aderall, I don't think I'm interested. My father takes Aderall as an upper to make him less tired, to combat the 8-10 other medications he is on for anxiety, depression, etc etc. I hate being around him when he takes them. I reminds me of tweaking.
I promise you all, I will start exercising again. I know its the bottom line, and I really need to fucking do this already.
I don't want to waste your time, or mine.
I am so happy to hear that you are getting over your issues. Keep me updated with yourself please
The one year mark is really what I am aiming for. I pray everyday that by that time, I can fade back to the old me.
As far as memory goes, what could I take to boost that? My mind is just every so thoughtless, besides anxiety filled thinking.
Thank you Bsiren, for keeping this thread open. I appreciate it.
