terraincognita
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2011
- Messages
- 15
Here it is,swim is hopeless addicted to apmhetamines(+coke when no apms availble).It all started in 9th grade, a guy in class gave me my first adderall, also one of my first drug experiences.( i have smoked weed maybe or 5 times by then, nothing harder). And ive sprung at every opportunity to obtain adderall. Not really being the "go out very often" type of guy, my use soon turned into a semi regular pattern. Id score addy, somtimes one or two, sometimes 20 or 40, and id get high as quick as possible; if i got them on class, i was snortin orange dust off my desk...n ppl saw..i thought it was somehow "cool" or "badass" at the time, a mindset that makes it easy to rationalise doing drugs in math class. But after scoring, my mission is to get to my room(preferably at nite), lock the door, make sure that no one could spy on me through the window(which could consume hours)..hop on my computer, and watch porn till parents start getting up for work, and i have to go to school....and there went the fiber of my social life. The mix of a lonely, dark room; and a tweaking teenager..they just clashed.. And this was when facebook became super popular at school and everywhere else, i found a place to finaly be more than the looser i knew inside..i made friends in cyberspace(especialy the smartfone) i could really just talk to anyone about whatever manic thought or ideas i was having....io have friends who i only talk to when im tweaked and in "lovey duvey" mode.. its wierd to think alot of people think im ...crazy..and cheater,,a player..a sweatertalker..stupid.. Thankyou Adderall confidence. And the thing about it is, they were usualy positive and intrigueing thoughts..they just werent really mine.. i wanted to marry that girl..then a week later i finally sobered up, and wondered what the fuck did i do. After a while, i was getting high(or coming down) more than i was sober.As the normal responsibilities of life became unimportant, the only thing to focus on and deal with was the amphetamine induced delusions(i convinced myself i had every mental disorder i know off, to excuse getting high), and the consequences of my actions on the drug. Things took another step upin the summer after 10th grade. i had a week long beach house vacation stay with about 15. I had developed a habit of seeing what medicines people took, i was a pro theif. I discover my cousines two 30ct full bottles of focalin..i got high..and didnt stop.i never had that much before, and i never had to deal with so many ppl always around. all i wanted to do was watch porn..no privacy. i started stayying in the shower with my pc for 2 hours..go from bathroom to bathyroom..try to get high without getting cought. the psycosis set in after the 2nd day,,but i had drugs..so you kno..lets just say i ended sleeping my last nite in the bathroom closet,,completely quite..so i could catch the ppl spying on me through the door( 
) . The patern just progressed from there..my sense opf sexuality became warped,,staying up 8 hours watching porn, all of the same gengre,,the obbssession. I stareted to accept i was a fuckin addict..no sugar coating,,but it just kinda..continued. now im here..in highschool for an extra semster for a class i failed twice..lost the best girl ever because of how drugs change my miind and personality. i wanted to kill myself after my last breakup because i was so " sad she left me and abandoned me." until i sobered up from the comedown and realized no on abanadoned me, i held them hostage with my bullshit,, i was the best guy ever, nice, funny, caring, ..then i got high, and i was irritable,,depressed,,self centered..arrogant,,and a asshole.. after a while everything was just lost in the mix,,it seemed like every arguement we ever had, i was coming down,,and causing the fiercest of fights betwwen us. I kept her up until 6am argueing, about how hurt i was she didnt take me to get her piercing.."because i careeed so much"..I just dont understand..I know that the only real problme i have is getting high, and if i quit, my life will turn around like that n be great, and i know if get adderall today, then ill feel like major shit later, might dig my hole of a life a little deeper..but ill buy some adderall,,and end up so mad and confused with myself..why cant i just stop. ive never had a stash of stimulants before..when i get them,i do them till im out.. swim started juggling doctors for concerta and adderall It is sick to think how avaible these posions are..to kids..to me.. ive actually went to the doctor about my drug prblm, to tell him of my over use of my meds, and he upped the dose. ?..my last bottle of 90 54mg concerta lasted about 8 days, and i truley have never self so unhealty before..like i was amazed at what could be keeping me alive. just got a sctrip[t of adderall , 45 10mg, and they were gone the next morning. and i just sit in my room,, with my little kit..snorting or pluging adderall..high as a kite,,completely aware of my situation..and life.. After being addicted to drugs for so long, you forget your old hobbies and interest..so im left with a whole ..so when i wake up, sober, "normal" day..i dont have anything else to think of and occupy my time other than drugs..so to deal with knowing my lifes falling apart..i get high.Im just confused..i know what i need to do, quit, stop taking the pills from the guy down the street, and ill get my life back, no questions asked, and i want to, i plan, i arrange,,schedual appt with coucelor,,doctors..go on concerta for my adhd "this time ill do it right"...and i sabatouge myself everytime..i lie to the docs,,miss appts...purposely dont find a job,,place myself in the "pity me im emotionaly dammaged" section. i feel like my brain has been changed by the drugs, i always think im in control, i make the decisions, i can get stuff done, but its just another part of having a drug addiction...i let my gaurd down when im sober, tel myself its under control, n three hours latter, im smoking a blunt, or grinding my teeth. Ive exausted my friends empathy, They constaly try to help me, but im just a brick wall..i text them venting about the depression,,but i do nothig about it,,and im aware..like i have to care of a disfucntional family, but instead its me.. anybody share feelings?
) . The patern just progressed from there..my sense opf sexuality became warped,,staying up 8 hours watching porn, all of the same gengre,,the obbssession. I stareted to accept i was a fuckin addict..no sugar coating,,but it just kinda..continued. now im here..in highschool for an extra semster for a class i failed twice..lost the best girl ever because of how drugs change my miind and personality. i wanted to kill myself after my last breakup because i was so " sad she left me and abandoned me." until i sobered up from the comedown and realized no on abanadoned me, i held them hostage with my bullshit,, i was the best guy ever, nice, funny, caring, ..then i got high, and i was irritable,,depressed,,self centered..arrogant,,and a asshole.. after a while everything was just lost in the mix,,it seemed like every arguement we ever had, i was coming down,,and causing the fiercest of fights betwwen us. I kept her up until 6am argueing, about how hurt i was she didnt take me to get her piercing.."because i careeed so much"..I just dont understand..I know that the only real problme i have is getting high, and if i quit, my life will turn around like that n be great, and i know if get adderall today, then ill feel like major shit later, might dig my hole of a life a little deeper..but ill buy some adderall,,and end up so mad and confused with myself..why cant i just stop. ive never had a stash of stimulants before..when i get them,i do them till im out.. swim started juggling doctors for concerta and adderall It is sick to think how avaible these posions are..to kids..to me.. ive actually went to the doctor about my drug prblm, to tell him of my over use of my meds, and he upped the dose. ?..my last bottle of 90 54mg concerta lasted about 8 days, and i truley have never self so unhealty before..like i was amazed at what could be keeping me alive. just got a sctrip[t of adderall , 45 10mg, and they were gone the next morning. and i just sit in my room,, with my little kit..snorting or pluging adderall..high as a kite,,completely aware of my situation..and life.. After being addicted to drugs for so long, you forget your old hobbies and interest..so im left with a whole ..so when i wake up, sober, "normal" day..i dont have anything else to think of and occupy my time other than drugs..so to deal with knowing my lifes falling apart..i get high.Im just confused..i know what i need to do, quit, stop taking the pills from the guy down the street, and ill get my life back, no questions asked, and i want to, i plan, i arrange,,schedual appt with coucelor,,doctors..go on concerta for my adhd "this time ill do it right"...and i sabatouge myself everytime..i lie to the docs,,miss appts...purposely dont find a job,,place myself in the "pity me im emotionaly dammaged" section. i feel like my brain has been changed by the drugs, i always think im in control, i make the decisions, i can get stuff done, but its just another part of having a drug addiction...i let my gaurd down when im sober, tel myself its under control, n three hours latter, im smoking a blunt, or grinding my teeth. Ive exausted my friends empathy, They constaly try to help me, but im just a brick wall..i text them venting about the depression,,but i do nothig about it,,and im aware..like i have to care of a disfucntional family, but instead its me.. anybody share feelings?
Not only have I been where you have been,but your openness and honesty is something to hold onto-being able to unburden yourself is an amazing part of turning your life around and getting on the path you are meant for, Speed is a hard demon to conquer and you cannot do it alone...no one can.
