I have recently come to the conclusion that I have a problem. I am in a constant state of recovery from the highs and lows of the night before. I have a steady job and I do fairly well. I just don't like being sober. All I can think about is the next time i can get wasted alone in my apartment. I usually take anything I can get my hands on but right now I go through at least 1 or 2 xanax, 1 or 2 klonopin, adderall, hydrocodone, kratom, and ambien to go along with my 12 pack of beer a night. It is a rut I can not escape from. I am clinically depressed and take medication for that as well. It is becoming extremely hard to become excited or happy about anything these days. I thought maybe someone here could relate. I am only 28 but feel like my life is steamrolling to an end. I cant always tell if it is my mind or not that is making my life so miserable. Maybe I just spend too much time alone. Is there anyone out there?
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I Thought I Had Control...
- Thread starter ach245
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Hey there. That is quite a combination you are taking each night. If you are able to determine what it is about your day-to-day life that you are unsatisfied with, then you may be able to begin seeing what could be done to create the changes that you are looking for.
To me it seems that the typical lifestyle is perfectly designed to create depression, anxiety, and lack of fulfillment. We are generally told what to do and made to feel fearful about just about anything. Perception becomes narrowly focused and the life that we experience kind of turns into a distortion how things really are. It makes sense to seek some sort of escape when the reality we experience does not allow us to see what we are actually capable of.
So if you're not excited or happy about some things, you don't necessarily have to force a round peg into a square hole and make yourself excited about things that are meaningless to you. There may be alternatives that provide exactly what it is you are looking for
It's just a matter of opening up and being willing to try something different.
To me it seems that the typical lifestyle is perfectly designed to create depression, anxiety, and lack of fulfillment. We are generally told what to do and made to feel fearful about just about anything. Perception becomes narrowly focused and the life that we experience kind of turns into a distortion how things really are. It makes sense to seek some sort of escape when the reality we experience does not allow us to see what we are actually capable of.
So if you're not excited or happy about some things, you don't necessarily have to force a round peg into a square hole and make yourself excited about things that are meaningless to you. There may be alternatives that provide exactly what it is you are looking for
It's just a matter of opening up and being willing to try something different.
Cohesion
Bluelighter
Hi
You say it is a rut you can not escape from.
While I understand your sentiment, consider that there may be another way of talking about your pattern? Re: negative self talk.
This website helped get me back on track. I am practicing positive self talk, and it's pretty powerful!
One thing that helped me, too, in regards the rumination of cravings, was to recognize objectively "this is all I can think about" "look at my thoughts go to substances". Just recognizing it. Meditation helps me separate my self from my thoughts.
I know it may not sound like much, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm out here. Still new in recovery, but that thought-changing IS possible.
You say it is a rut you can not escape from.
While I understand your sentiment, consider that there may be another way of talking about your pattern? Re: negative self talk.
This website helped get me back on track. I am practicing positive self talk, and it's pretty powerful!
One thing that helped me, too, in regards the rumination of cravings, was to recognize objectively "this is all I can think about" "look at my thoughts go to substances". Just recognizing it. Meditation helps me separate my self from my thoughts.
I know it may not sound like much, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm out here. Still new in recovery, but that thought-changing IS possible.
Mami, I'm a big fan of that website too
Another great one is Living Life to the Full.
It is easy to get stuck in the cycle you are in I think, especially if you are feeling depressed. I am sure there are a lot of people who can relate here - I certainly can
Do you think that perhaps your depression isn't fully treated? It certainly sounds like you are self-medicating at the moment..
Is there anything else in life that you enjoy, or perhaps that you used to enjoy? A lot of things fall by the wayside when we are depressed, but it can help enormously to pick them up again and find things that make us feel happy without taking drugs. It might take a while to make the switch, but it is worth giving it a try I think! For me, exercising, hula-hooping (don't laugh), craft nights with my friends and discovering new music are all things I dropped when I was depressed but am picking up again now, and they all improve my mood. Exercising is especially good as it released lots of lovely endorphins, as well as making you feel like you are looking after yourself.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling?
I think that you are stuck in a pattern of negative thoughts, which leads to negative emotions, which lead to behaviours that make you unhappy, which lead to more negative thoughts and so on. CBT is a useful tool for breaking that cycle - the websites Mami and I posted are based on this. They don't suit everyone, but might be worth a look?
I know it feels like there is no way out of the rut, but believe me, there is - things can and will get better for you
Another great one is Living Life to the Full.
It is easy to get stuck in the cycle you are in I think, especially if you are feeling depressed. I am sure there are a lot of people who can relate here - I certainly can
Do you think that perhaps your depression isn't fully treated? It certainly sounds like you are self-medicating at the moment..
Is there anything else in life that you enjoy, or perhaps that you used to enjoy? A lot of things fall by the wayside when we are depressed, but it can help enormously to pick them up again and find things that make us feel happy without taking drugs. It might take a while to make the switch, but it is worth giving it a try I think! For me, exercising, hula-hooping (don't laugh), craft nights with my friends and discovering new music are all things I dropped when I was depressed but am picking up again now, and they all improve my mood. Exercising is especially good as it released lots of lovely endorphins, as well as making you feel like you are looking after yourself.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling?
I think that you are stuck in a pattern of negative thoughts, which leads to negative emotions, which lead to behaviours that make you unhappy, which lead to more negative thoughts and so on. CBT is a useful tool for breaking that cycle - the websites Mami and I posted are based on this. They don't suit everyone, but might be worth a look?
I know it feels like there is no way out of the rut, but believe me, there is - things can and will get better for you
morphonorconic
Bluelighter
I hear you- same age, similar situation for me.
I used opiates heavily for years, lost my girlfriend, my life basically fell apart, etc. Things then got worse before they got better. Though I'm okay now, I'm still far from feeling fulfilled. I appear successful; stay busy with school and work, show up to social functions, participate and such. But I am plagued by an emptiness that won't go away. Everyone tells me how great I am, but I can't stop feeling like a fucking loser. I feel like an actor on the stage most of the time, either placating people and acting out the role which will yield the best results, or simply being a cynical sarcastic asshole when I don't have the energy to force it.
Anyway, get clean from all of those substances. I never though I'd do it, but I did. My life now may not be optimal, but at least my mind is sharp again. and I feel much better in general- not so many ups and downs. It's difficult to accurately evaluate your situation and make the appropriate changes when under the influence of [such] drugs, and not thinking as clearly as you would normally.
I used opiates heavily for years, lost my girlfriend, my life basically fell apart, etc. Things then got worse before they got better. Though I'm okay now, I'm still far from feeling fulfilled. I appear successful; stay busy with school and work, show up to social functions, participate and such. But I am plagued by an emptiness that won't go away. Everyone tells me how great I am, but I can't stop feeling like a fucking loser. I feel like an actor on the stage most of the time, either placating people and acting out the role which will yield the best results, or simply being a cynical sarcastic asshole when I don't have the energy to force it.
Anyway, get clean from all of those substances. I never though I'd do it, but I did. My life now may not be optimal, but at least my mind is sharp again. and I feel much better in general- not so many ups and downs. It's difficult to accurately evaluate your situation and make the appropriate changes when under the influence of [such] drugs, and not thinking as clearly as you would normally.
I'm glad I found this... I can truly relate. I'm about to be 22, and I haven't accomplished shit... Right now I'm jobless looking for a new job, I stay in most of the weekdays but when weekends come around I try and get fucked up, forget about reality. I cut down on the weed lately but again I'm craving and smoking. I feel lonely at nights when I'm just at home myself, I lack desire and motivation to do shit. I used to read a lot of self help books and try to learn new things before, but it's as if everything got boring to me... I'm binging on kratom lately and opiates, thinking oh Let's feel good and let's try something out, but yeah, not really working... I dont know if I'm depressed really but I got some Celexa off someone and trying it out for a few days and see if it does me any difference. Don't know how to continue... but I really wish I found some guidance, someone to slap me awake. Not to mention, my biggest fear... is dying... and I can't help but think sometimes about it too much and sometimes I think what's the point of ALL this?
I also haven't had a girlfriend in a little over a year cuz I had such a bad break up and so I definitely don't want a relationship right now or anytime soon, but damn, it's like I'm scared to go out and meet new girls and people too... Anyone else? Or advice... Glad the OP made this topic, I feel as if I have no one to talk to anymore about these kinda things.
I also haven't had a girlfriend in a little over a year cuz I had such a bad break up and so I definitely don't want a relationship right now or anytime soon, but damn, it's like I'm scared to go out and meet new girls and people too... Anyone else? Or advice... Glad the OP made this topic, I feel as if I have no one to talk to anymore about these kinda things.
xxsicknessxx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2008
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- 1,014
im 28 too, I felt a lot like you untill I got clean. Its been 7months and really the depression only just left me, but now I feel great. Nothing beats not being addicted. Just quit bro.. its not doing you any good if your not even enjoying it.
Dear OP,
I too understand where you are coming from... recently in a similar frame of mind at 31years, after escalating amphetamine abuse over the previous 3 years, following the bi-polar/suicide death of my sister. Ii felt like I was on a most futile mousewheel, and that life was just a cruel joke.
Please know that there is help out there for you, and it is the braver person who puts their hand up or out, and takes advantage of what the system has to offer. If you can, try to find some kind of counsellor or other professional for some assistance with how to introduce positive changes to your life, and to help you to clarify your thoughts, feelings and goals, and to focus.
As silly as it sounds, just trying is the first step, and a lot of the time with this sort of thing, you have to 'fake it 'til you make it'... that is start doing the things that you feel you should be feeling more enjoyment from and keep at it until the feelings become more real for you. Perhaps try to do some kind of fitness type activity that will enable you to meet new people, and engage in activities that just aren't conducive with substance abuse. Even if you just start it one day per week and make that your 'clean-up' period for the week, and continue as you wish for the rest of the time... obviously i am no professional, but this is the way that I started, and I am finally starting to feel more 'make it' than 'fake it' after 4 weeks clean and just trying.
I really wish you well, and hope that if nothing else, just knowing that people can identify with what you are going through helps somewhat.
All the best, Adelady xx
Also - TO Zerix... Celexa is citalopram, which is an SSRI medication... it takes several weeks of using these types of meds to achieve desired effects, so trying them for a few days is essentially pointless. You will likely feel the side effects, but none of the intended therapeutic benefits. Best wishes with everything to you also xx
I too understand where you are coming from... recently in a similar frame of mind at 31years, after escalating amphetamine abuse over the previous 3 years, following the bi-polar/suicide death of my sister. Ii felt like I was on a most futile mousewheel, and that life was just a cruel joke.
Please know that there is help out there for you, and it is the braver person who puts their hand up or out, and takes advantage of what the system has to offer. If you can, try to find some kind of counsellor or other professional for some assistance with how to introduce positive changes to your life, and to help you to clarify your thoughts, feelings and goals, and to focus.
As silly as it sounds, just trying is the first step, and a lot of the time with this sort of thing, you have to 'fake it 'til you make it'... that is start doing the things that you feel you should be feeling more enjoyment from and keep at it until the feelings become more real for you. Perhaps try to do some kind of fitness type activity that will enable you to meet new people, and engage in activities that just aren't conducive with substance abuse. Even if you just start it one day per week and make that your 'clean-up' period for the week, and continue as you wish for the rest of the time... obviously i am no professional, but this is the way that I started, and I am finally starting to feel more 'make it' than 'fake it' after 4 weeks clean and just trying.
I really wish you well, and hope that if nothing else, just knowing that people can identify with what you are going through helps somewhat.
All the best, Adelady xx
Also - TO Zerix... Celexa is citalopram, which is an SSRI medication... it takes several weeks of using these types of meds to achieve desired effects, so trying them for a few days is essentially pointless. You will likely feel the side effects, but none of the intended therapeutic benefits. Best wishes with everything to you also xx
xxsicknessxx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2008
- Messages
- 1,014
I know that feeling of hating being sober but it goes away you just have to rid it out and quit. It won't be easy but trust me think of how much more easy life will be when you don't have to worry about drugs, or how your going to feel the next day. Of if you got enough to pass out tonight, or if mixing this will kill you or of hiding it or getting in trouble. Drug are so much trouble when your addicted.. get clean its worth it
Hi Zerix,
I hope this thread shows you that you are not alone! I think there are a lot of people in the same position as yourself. It is very easy to get stuck in a rut and the more you isolate yourself during the week, the harder it is to break the cycle - also, the more your life revolves around getting wasted at weekends, the harder it is to stop. I think the key is finding other things that give you pleasure and give your life meaning - then you won't feel such a need to escape from it all with drugs..
Is there anything else you could do that might lift your mood? Any hobbies or interests? Something to fill the time when you are on your own? I know it is hard when you have zero motivation, but you might find that if you force yourself to do something, your motivation comes back. You don't need to make big dramatic changes - just little baby steps to help get yourself into a place where you feel happier with your life
If the hobbies/interests happen to involve getting out and about then even better, but even getting back into reading could help you to feel better about yourself. Also, do you have any friends you can talk to about this? You always have us of course, but being able to share your problems with someone in real-life can help hugely.. does the friend who have you the Celexa know how you are feeling?
It really is early days with the Celexa, but I would go and see a doctor if I were you, instead of using someone else's script. They can assess you for depression and discuss the best treatments for you
I would also take a look at the websites myself and mami posted. They can seem a bit silly at first, but they can be really useful for helping you to get out of the rut and start feeling motivated and happy again. It might seem impossible to break out of the rut you are in, but I promise you that it is not!Good luck to you
and to ach245 Feel free to keep talking to us, it can help so much getting things out and knowing you are not alone - and let us know how you are both getting on!
HelpJDplease
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2010
- Messages
- 14
I just turned 27, and I have always been stressed. I started with benzos after getting addicted and clean from opiates and then suboxone, I was always a bit dissatisfied, but I was never truly unable to be happy until I started taking klonipin. If you want to stil do these drugs, consider giving your body time to be completely sober between doses. The combinations of all those things are like I am sure you know more than one recipe for misery.
Fixed5217
Bluelighter
you have a good point here,, i'm looking back at the rut I drove myself into and ask: was I depressed because of my use? or vice versa--it's kinda a chicken vs. the egg thing,
however i feel better tapering off by far than i did a day using
Yhanks for all the encouragement guys. I am coming to realize that I have a problem opening up to other people. I'm doing a little better and feel better knowing at least I'm not alone out there. Even if its anonymously on the internet it feels good to know there is light somewhere in this world. Talk to you guys later.
Knowing you are not alone really can help, can't it? Even over an internet forum.. and believe me, there will be people nearer to home who are finding the same thing. I'm glad you can see that there is light and I hope it helps you. If you have trouble opening up, posting anonymously on here could be the ideal way to start?
Good luck and keep us posted
Good luck and keep us posted
Sure shows how bad my memory has been of late lol forgot about this one... Thank you for the sweet words effie. I love basketball and use that to help me actually as well. And I'm about to be 22 this weekend, and I think I wanna quit weed for now and go on a break again, did before a long while ago let's see if I can again, hope so. Going to use kratom to help me in the first tough week...
To the OP: Same here too. Haven't been interacting online with others in a long time actually I've been more of a reader but I since I've stopped writing and conversing I also don't seem to be so sharp anymore, so gotta engage in some conversation! haha... nice to have such a community here
To the OP: Same here too. Haven't been interacting online with others in a long time actually I've been more of a reader but I since I've stopped writing and conversing I also don't seem to be so sharp anymore, so gotta engage in some conversation! haha... nice to have such a community here
Glad you have basketball, exercise is so good for mood I find and obviously good for your physical health too, win-win :D quitting weed sounds like a plan too, good luck (and happy birthday!)
The community here is fantastic, I am really glad it helps you
The community here is fantastic, I am really glad it helps you
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
I think that it's important, above all, that you recognized that you have a problem. As effie said, exercise is good, if you're trying to recover, at least make sure you're doing something healthy as long as you are using. Weed is also a wonderful thing to stop with drug addiction, the biggest mistake you can make is replacing one addiction for another, so best of luck with that, I am also on a weed break as well 
and trust me, it's not as bad as it seems at first. Other than that, nothing else to say that hasn't been said. Best of luck, I'm very happy about how you're approaching this, and I'm very happy that you enjoy our community.
and trust me, it's not as bad as it seems at first. Other than that, nothing else to say that hasn't been said. Best of luck, I'm very happy about how you're approaching this, and I'm very happy that you enjoy our community.
itsok
Bluelighter
sounds like me and yea, positive company would probably do u good. and a doctor to help u start tapering and to talk about treatment options.
it's good u realize that u have a problem before u lose everything. u r lucky. i was completely delusional and had to lose sooo much for me to admit i had an addiction that i want to quit (still grappling with the quitting forever part even after it destroyed me a few times, how sick).
it's good u realize that u have a problem before u lose everything. u r lucky. i was completely delusional and had to lose sooo much for me to admit i had an addiction that i want to quit (still grappling with the quitting forever part even after it destroyed me a few times, how sick).
