accepting your drug use..

[DexysMidnightRuner]

when i first started using and i always thought "well i'll only fuck around with this for a while and then worrying about getting my shit together later". well a "while" turns into months and months turn into years with a few trials of sobriety sprinkled in. and finally at some point in all this i finally admit im a drug addict. first i thought i could tackle the addiction and get straight but as time goes on i saw i was not happy living either way but at least i got high when i used.

so i start to pick things up again here and there, but then i finally come to the conclusion that i either have to stop completely or just accept that i will most likely end up moderatley using drugs my whole life, enough for society to look down upon me and make me regret a lot. now a small part of me wants to go straight and live the "american dream" with the 2.5 bath lavish house, 2 kids, a dog, white picket fence, "happy". but the much larger urgent part of me just says fuck society, fuck doing conventional work, and now fuck being clean.

ive been IVing it all too mostly, which has really been bothering me. but lately ive kinda just giving up careing any more. i mean if your safe with your methods then its not all that bad.

has anyone come to accept their drugs use? how did you get over societys expectations?

 

[piebald]

wait you said in the first paragraph that you "admit your a drug addict" and in the second you say you will "most likely end up moderately using your whole life"...i think if your an addict you KNOW that continued moderate use is an illusion... life kinda sucks so you keep using-- but the using is the thing thats making life kinda suck. and don't worry about the society or their expectations or all that garbage..i had the little house, nice job, marriage all that i think i wasn't cut out for it and i was actually at my worst with drugs during the most "outwardly conventional" phase of my life..
and i hope if you are an addict and you are IV'ing that you don't assume it wont catch up with you.. i hope your ok

 

[AfterGlow]

I came to the opposite conclusion. In my case, my alcohol abuse got so bad that I finally realized it would kill me should I "accept it" and continue. There's nothing wrong with recreational drug use, but addiction is another matter altogether. If you think it's not all that bad, just wait and see where it takes you.

 

[piebald]

^Manch-Vegas! God i miss that town(not really)
well he said he "admitted he was an addict" so....if he is then the idea of "thinking its not that bad and waiting and seeing where it takes you" seems risky but who knows...thats just my opinion from my experience..and heroin is a nasty habit to keep under control for the long run....but to each his own

 

[Legerity]

Yeah after a year of returning to the drug world I've come quite close to full acceptance and no longer caring about what others think. The entire experience has been a learning process in letting go of other's expectations and learning to follow myself instead. The drugs were just one aspect of that larger issue. This is not at all the same as not caring about myself or my well-being; but rather learning to be my own judge of that rather than listen those who are only able to evaluate based on surface information.

Drugs aside...if something is "right" for you, you're the only one who can ultimately know that. Nobody else can experience whatever it is that guides you through your life. Sure what is "appropriate" can be calculated rationally or emotionally but these are not necessarily the highest source of information that one can have. If you disagree with this then I suppose my point is moot. But if you do believe that each individual is ultimately the one that needs to learn how to determine what is appropriate for themselves, then that leaves open the possibility that the individual may make a decision that seems completely wrong to the entire world and have to trust their own self as to whether or not they are acting in their own self-interest.

What helps me is to ask whether or not I really even want the lifestyle that I am told I should have. I don't. So I try to act based on living the life that I want to have rather than the one that is forced upon me. But there are so many influences it is hard to know what is really genuine or what is simply a reaction or rebellion against these external influences. A learning process for sure.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

I except im a addict and will always have to be on guard and be careful. However I don't except drug use. I mean If I could just use it once in awhile I would not be a drug addict I would be a drug user. You sound like a addict.

I take suboxon and I take pain killers once in awhile a downer once in awhile but I take it like I should and im carefull not to abuse anything or take anything to much. I am always on guard. I have to be. Its easy to slip

 

[piebald]

^ i agree, you cant live your life to fit anyone elses expectations of who or what you should be..i tried that and it actually made me fucking miserable and thats when i got overboard with the drug abuse..when i had the "white picket fence lifestyle"...everyone has a different truth and i totally agree..i wasn't implying that he should be careful of his herion use because of society's view..I dont disagree at ALL with your ideas! i agree 100%
My first post was more regarding his admission that he's an addict in the first paragraph then wondering if he can accept and live as a moderate IV heroin user..

 

[john1]

but lately ive kinda just giving up careing any more.

I don't think you have given up caring. If you had given up, you would not be thinking about the pros and cons of using or not using. It sounds like you are conflicted. The real you wants to live a healthy and fulfilling drug-free life. But you can't do this while you keep taking drugs, because the drugs screw with your mind and make you think that life is about taking drugs, when there is really so much more to life than drugs. The first step is to get help - talk to a doctor about your issues and they will be able to help you or refer you to someone who can help you.

 

[XOnOneX]

when i first started using and i always thought "well i'll only fuck around with this for a while and then worrying about getting my shit together later". well a "while" turns into months and months turn into years with a few trials of sobriety sprinkled in. and finally at some point in all this i finally admit im a drug addict. first i thought i could tackle the addiction and get straight but as time goes on i saw i was not happy living either way but at least i got high when i used.

so i start to pick things up again here and there, but then i finally come to the conclusion that i either have to stop completely or just accept that i will most likely end up moderatley using drugs my whole life, enough for society to look down upon me and make me regret a lot. now a small part of me wants to go straight and live the "american dream" with the 2.5 bath lavish house, 2 kids, a dog, white picket fence, "happy". but the much larger urgent part of me just says fuck society, fuck doing conventional work, and now fuck being clean.

ive been IVing it all too mostly, which has really been bothering me. but lately ive kinda just giving up careing any more. i mean if your safe with your methods then its not all that bad.

has anyone come to accept their drugs use? how did you get over societys expectations?

You sound a lot like me. I've gone over this "I'll just fuck around for a little bit" in my head so many times. See, I consider myself a binge.. Ugh, user. I'll go months without using, I've even gone years, then I'll get that itch and I'll use anywhere from a week to weeks on end every day. Then bam, I'm done. Do I accept, or admit to my drug problem? Hell no! I consider myself a non- drug user. I think I have some sort of control over it; because I quit when I want, I have my career, I have my family, my home is kept up and beautiful, I still continue my sports, and then... Reality hits. Honey, you are a drug user!! Ugh, I hate it. I never wanted to be a user when I grew up, but then again, who does? It really hit home these past couple days, because I'm getting over my latest run.. About 5 or 6 months! Longest one yet. And.. The first few months I puffed, did good.. Stayed doing it that way. Then, bam.. Shot up. And the last few months I've been shooting it every day multiple times a day. And yet, I still can't and will not consider myself a drug addict. Yeah, give me a break! I put a needle in my arm every day for 3 or 4 months and I'm not an addict! Ha! I make excuses- I go to work every day, make sure I'm taking care of my little one to the fullest and making sure homework is done, make dinner every night, and I don't let myself go. But yet, I lost 35 pounds and as my mother says- "You look like death!" and she doesn't even know I use! Yup, I also hide my using. I don't want to accept I'm a drug user because I don't want to be and it will all pass! Right???Admitting my addiction has been the hardest step for me and that's one of the first steps to recovery. Ha, I'm screwed!
Anyway, I totally went off here, but know all those thoughts and back and forth thinking is normal and you're not alone. It's easier said then done (obviously) but who cares what others think, accept yourself-ALWAYS! If you want to change, change. If you are happy with how you are, then be happy. You make your own rules. And piebald is right. Don't assume IVing won't catch up to you, because it will. It always does.... Now, if I could only tell myself that!
Keep your head up and accept how you choose to live, what ever that may be, because it's your life.

 

[DexysMidnightRuner]

sorry its soooo long... >.<

Ive been to rehab, ive been to several therapists - and am currently seeking help, ive taken prescription anti-depressants. I'm miserable when i'm clean. I'm miserable when I'm using heavily. The way I'm starting to see it is why bother fighting the bitch anymore? my depression and other emotional shit is hard enough let alone addiction. whats the point of fighting it and saying no? why do we even try and fight it in the first place? maybe we were meant to be this way. why are our drugs of choice illigal while other sometimes worse ones are legal, even looked upon as "cool". whos to say what is right and what is wrong if you are still functioning perfectly fine?

wait you said in the first paragraph that you "admit your a drug addict" and in the second you say you will "most likely end up moderately using your whole life"

yes i am an addict. i had a pretty horrible addiction to IV coke over a year ago. and back then i has the genius idea to do alternate between every drug to avoid the whole physical addiction problem i had beat before that. by "i admited i was a drug addict" i meant back then when i thought i "had it beat". i finally admited to myself i was at an all time low and that i really was an addict. so i went to rehab and did that whole attempting the acceptable lifestyle. im just as miserable as i was while i was using. i mean i really only went to rehab to stop shooting coke. not doing drugs. i had kinda hoped to stop using the needle too but once youve done that you never go back.

i am only kinda worried about my current meth use. i started with an amphetamine addiction way back because i never had/have energy, i am such a pessimistic person and my depression is just always there, and i have no communication skills because of my anger issues. im shooting meth now because my depression is killing me and i cant think clearly or calmly for one second and its destroying my relationships. when im on amps or meth i am such a better person. i enjoy things, i am not emanating dark anger, when things go wrong i can roll with it, im fun to be around, and im just happy.

people put their kids on amphetamines ALL the time. ADHD is like the most commonly, most grossly misdiagonsed, and not to mention most harmful for a young developing mind disease in the US next to depression. Adderall- 4 different types of amphetamine salts, Vyvanse- Lisdexamfetamine(digestable amphetamine only), Dexedrine- amphetamine, Desoxyn- methamphetamine. sound familiar?

why cant i take meth to "cure" my depression? as long as its relatively clean product and you take care of yourself by eatting, drinking, and, sleeping. people can take opiates to "cure" pain and xanax to "cure" anxiety. why not stimulants? I know i am an addict, but i think people can get over the need for daily use of copious amounts of all drugs. drug use is a symptom not the issue usually.I can never do coke again, but its lame any way. when im not using occasionaly - like when i went to out patient rehab - i think about drugs more and more and then i pop. i dont wanna do this and have some huge overdose on our hands. true, i have made some bad choices but i will NEVER go back to what i was on coke. i know i can stop myself before it all goes to shit because its just me and my boyfriend now, so i cant not pay rent or bills or what ever else. its bad enough i put them off by a month or two. i have absolutly NO interest in coke since doing meth so thats not a worry. im just slightly questioning my motives. im using it because my depression is starting to get so bad that its really the only thing that makes me a normal functioning productive member of society. which could be getting into bad territory.

i dont really wanna give up drugs but they can cause a lot of added stress. and like i said, soooome part of me still wants that normal life. what could i have been had i gone to university instead community college? who was i supposed to be? would i be a better person? i also started doing drugs because i have absolutly no talent besides organizing. and when i quit using things still just go to shit and i just get so sick of things going wrong. i always end up back where i started: depressed, angry, and discouraged. i just want to sit back and accept the fact that i enjoy doing drugs at this point in my life and who knows how long it will last. im sick of fighting multiple demons and im really not starting to see anything wrong with occassional to mild use as long as you can function properly. i think i will take a break from shooting it though. i just need to start excepting how things really are.

any ideas or personal experiences with finally finding that acceptance? Legerity how did you accept your use (and i think your relapse? -since you "came back" to the drug world?)

 

[herbavore]

Dexys--you make some very valid points about the non-difference of legal and illegal drugs. I watched my son, at some points in his life have more success self-medicating with illegal "drugs" than when a psychiatrist was in charge of legal "medications". However, and it is a big however, he was never able to regulate the amount of what he took to simply alleviate his depression, anxiety, bipolar issues, etc. Once he started IV'ing stimulants was when his addiction became completely uncontrollable. Ultimately, that lack of control cost him his life.
As a parent you are responsible not only for how your decisions affect your own life but for how they affect your son's as well. If it were simply your life I would wholeheartedly support your right to self-medicate however you see fit and to accept whatever consequences that entailed. It seems that being responsible for your son changes the paradigm. You might ask yourself if it were your son that was battling severe depression, would you want him to try this same route or would you want him to try every non-chemical (legal or illegal) route available?

 

[Legerity]

why cant i take meth to "cure" my depression? as long as its relatively clean product and you take care of yourself by eatting, drinking, and, sleeping. people can take opiates to "cure" pain and xanax to "cure" anxiety. why not stimulants? I know i am an addict, but i think people can get over the need for daily use of copious amounts of all drugs. drug use is a symptom not the issue usually.I can never do coke again, but its lame any way. when im not using occasionaly - like when i went to out patient rehab - i think about drugs more and more and then i pop. i dont wanna do this and have some huge overdose on our hands. true, i have made some bad choices but i will NEVER go back to what i was on coke. i know i can stop myself before it all goes to shit because its just me and my boy now, so i cant not pay rent or bills or what ever else. its bad enough i put them off by a month or two. i have absolutly NO interest in coke since doing meth so thats not a worry. im just slightly questioning my motives. im using it because my depression is starting to get so bad that its really the only thing that makes me a normal functioning productive member of society. which could be getting into bad territory.

Meth won't cure any depression just like opiates/xanax will not cure whatever they are prescribed for; it just provides a particular effect. Unless the effects of a substance are somehow transferred into your mental state without having to use them (this is possible), then you'll continue to need the substance. Undesirable effects can also be transferred though. Doesn't mean masking symptoms is inherently bad if that is what you are comfortable with...but it isn't the same thing as creating a lasting shift in your mental state.

 

[effie]

Dexys, it is difficult reconciling your drug use with "normal life"... I think this is something all of us here can relate to

Ignore what society think of you. What matters is finding a lifestyle that makes you happy, does not harm yourself or others, and is sustainable.

The trouble comes when we think we are in control and have it in balance, but we actually are not. I've had my ideas about what is sustainable and non-harmful drug use hugely shaken lately, and as Herbavore's post shows, it is all too easy for it to take over and spiral out of control before you realise what is happening..

The only advice I can give you reallty is to have a think about what is most important to you (and your son) and what will make you happy in the long term, and try to be honest with yourself about how your drug use fits in with that. It is possible to strike the balance, but you need to be very self-aware and be prepared to stop it all if it starts to cause harm. As you have experienced addiction, I think you know that it is going to be very hard to ensure that your meth use remains harmless and perfectly balanced with the rest of your life..

As for using meth to treat depression - someone asked something similar in BDD (only about ephedrine) and I replied much in the same way as Legerity did. It doesn't treat it, it masks it, and soon you have to take more and more to get the same mood-lift, and the negative aspects (physical, mental, social, financial etc) increase too, and it all just spirals.. while the root cause of your depression remains untreated.

Have you got any professional help with your depression at all? Maybe some counselling? It sounds like you have a lot of regrets and anger about the past, it might be really helpful to work through them. The best thing you can do is to look at the present moment, and think about how you want your future to be for you and your boy, and what the best way to achieve that is

Good luck!

 

[DexysMidnightRuner]

first, i dont have a son. no idea where that theory came up. as for masking the depression, isnt that all we really do most of the time in the medical world? mask the real problem and cure the symptoms..at least when it comes to psychological issues. yes i am in treatment and have been before, i just am sick of this shit. it feels like no matter WHAT i do, it will never go away.

 

[herbavore]

i know i can stop myself before it all goes to shit because its just me and my boyfriend now, so i cant not pay rent or bills or what ever else.

Well that would have been me starting that bit about the son, but I see you went back and edited "boy" to "boyfriend" so that explains my mistake Sorry for starting unneeded confusion!

 

[effie]

Ahh sorry, I saw it mentioned in another post and I think I misread "boyfriend" as meaning boy ie son! I'm sorry about that. I see you did say that you have had treatment and therapy too, sorry, I seemed to miss a lot of your post, dunno what happened there..

Unfortunately, often you are right - the symptoms are masked and the real issues aren't tackled. Therapy can help, meds can help make you feel more able to do the things that make you happy, but often it is really hard to get to the bottom of it all. There definitely is hope, but it can be a long road and I fully appreciate feeling so fed up

You're right, it's really hard fighting several demons at once. If you can live with drug use and it not be detrimental to your life, then I don't think you need to stop just because society says you should.. but as you said, drugs do cause extra stress. I think the key really will be getting on top of your depression if possible.. I know how hard that is, but I think that will be the key to being able to take control of your drug use. The horrible thing about depression is it blinds you to the possibility that you will be okay one day - you can't imagine what that will feel like, and you can't conceive of there ever being any hope.. but there is hope, even if you don't feel like it right now. Is your boyfriend supportive? Have you tried all the options and things mentioned in the depression megathread?

I'm sorry for misunderstanding your post

 

[Legerity]

first, i dont have a son. no idea where that theory came up. as for masking the depression, isnt that all we really do most of the time in the medical world? mask the real problem and cure the symptoms..at least when it comes to psychological issues. yes i am in treatment and have been before, i just am sick of this shit. it feels like no matter WHAT i do, it will never go away.

Yes this is exactly what most medications do; the legality of a drug doesn't change the nature of it. So I think you are totally right it is the same thing as the medical world...I just don't use that as the measure of whether or not it is an optimal approach for everybody. Whatever works for you works

 

[love2party]

First off I wanna give a shout out to my fellow manch-vegasers

Lately I've come to term with my oxy and marijuana use. I love the two of tbose things, I'm feeling pretty damn good right now too. I feel like now that I'm not in denial about my addiction I have a better handle on it. Instead of just always saying I'm gonna stop tommorow I make better decisions taking the long term into consideration. Also there's nothing wrong with having a pleasurable life, aslong as your vices aren't causing too many problems for you.

^this.

I'm ok with being an addict but I try and do the least harm as possible to myself, with my goal of maintaining and planning for the future as to not go through too many peaks and valleys. Opioids are pretty benign, as long as i'm not injecting i'm fine with taking opiates everyday, orally that is, unless i run into something like oxymorphone, which i snort because the bio is so low when taken orally.