...and today i was fine so i convinced myself that it was ok to use today
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
so im a failure.
One piece of consistency in this struggle to stay clean from opiates (and I've been using for nearly a decade now... so much wasted time, money, opportunity...) is that I *never* have to remind myself of the reasons to not pick up when I'm in active addiction. Life, the life that I'm using to escape from, is all so murky, so in-my-face-pathetic, that to ask myself why staying clean is so important is like asking which way is up - the answer is just so fucking obvious that I don't bother to grasp with the question. Only when I
do get and stay clean, when the pieces have been picked up and life begins to reassemble itself, do I find the powerful
need to be constantly reminded of what I am recovery from/for. Because it is in those moments of fresh light that I become over-confident and I begin to really listen to my brain - by now, a well-disciplined practitioner of self-deception - contrive all these fantastically wonderful and nonsensical reasons, simplifications and justifications for my behavior.
I don't feel as if reading your post was a waste of my time, and if it helped to clarify what are very real and very recent events in your life, I say more power to you. My one recommendation is that you reconsider posting this type of material in the focus-forum "The Dark Side," it is also a very excellent place to surf and explore what others such as yourself might have said on the same or similar issues. You'd be so intensely amazed at how TDS is in so many ways like a digital NA Meeting, just minus the real-time nature of it all.
...but back to your post. Life is attitude, and if you continuously approach it with the attitude that you are a failure, you may end up catering to that attitude, use opiates on the basis of that attitude, and ultimately turn your feelings of failure into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i want to stop being dope sick and i just wanna be a "chipper" and just enjoy dope one day a week, so it doesnt rule my life.
Don't allow me to put ideas in your mind for you, but consider that this ideation may be just that - a fantasy, in the context of your life and personality. It's a complete fantasy for me in my life, and I'm not fucking clean at all right now, nor do I have to be to make that statement. But once I realized that this was the dream for myself that compelled me to keep on keeping on... one on which I so have, time and time and time again, unduly rested so *many* of my life's keystones upon, it became that much easier to change the foundations of my troubled thinking.
I'm not trying to accuse you of being a junkie and saying that you can't ever just use again. But if you're anything like I am, if I were to use "just once a week," I know I'd spend the whole rest of the week putting in a tremendous amount of time, effort and self-torture in order to keep it that way (i.e., just ONCE) that I'd *never* in a million years be able to enjoy myself while actually getting high that one time. "Oh my gosh, I'm so excited, I made it a week, here we go, I'd really better make this one COUNT!" to "Shit, this feels awesome but I don't know how I'm ever gonna make it another seven days... I mean, I never told myself I could just use literally one time per week, maybe I could make it one session, which to me really feels like an all-day event, so hold up I'm still coming up but let me contact dude to pick up enough to last me through tonight. Yes, this is a good idea, it'll give me a lot more incentive to try and make it all week this upcoming week, so if I DON'T do it this way, then I'll DEFINITELY go back to being an all-our junkie.
^^^This is based on my own personal way of thinking; needless to say, it doesn't happen *that* quickly, but in a matter of weeks I would have somehow convinced myself that I was able to be an all-around user again and that my aspirations, as great as they were, just weren't going to happen for me so I may as well shoot for something I could manage. When sobriety is all I've ever needed to excel - I had three years clean from drugs and alcohol from ages 20-23 to prove that to myself.
Don't lose faith in the person you really are when the thick film from the drugs is removed.
Thank you for posting this. I say if you have questions are want to comment further on your own thoughts to come back here and do so, I wouldn't mind reading it!
~ vaya
