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sober and depressed because I have no friends

PendulumAM

PendulumAM

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 27, 2009
Messages
264
Location
New England
I have been clean off heroin and off of suboxene for just over 4 months. Because of my addiction problems while I was in Florida (for college) including some pending criminal charges, I broke up with my ex boyfriend (who was also using) and now I am back home in the northeast and going to a new college up here. I live at home with my mom and siblings. I only have one friend from high school who I still talk to, and she has had 2 kids so she isn't available much. Other than that, there is no one here I hang out with (except for my little sister but shes 16 and I'm just turning 21 so we don't have all the same interests). I have been clean ever since I came back here but so lonely and miserable. And the only reason I'm clean is that I wouldn't even know where to get anything up here. Not having anyone to hang out with is just making my depression worse and making me want to use again to stop feeling lonely. What should I do? Where I live isn't a very big town, either. The nearest city is Portland, Maine which is an hour away. Boston is about 2 hours away.
 
You're in college, can't be hard to meet new people with similar interests. Strike up a conversation, perhaps find some people who are into smoking bud and hang out with them every now and then. If you've been addicted, stay away from that drug for a while. Addiction is never any fun, and it's very easy to relapse, all it takes it a little rationalization and you're back to square one.

One step at a time. First meet one person, make a friend. Then you can branch out and meet more and more people, but start small. That's what I do when I face a goal or quest of some sort, small steps. Last thing you want to do is overwhelm yourself with all these ideas and possibilities but no idea where to start. So just pick one, and go from there. One thing at a time.
 
to answer missykins, yes I am in school but my classes only meet once a week and I commute to school so I am still living at home. And to J.Wallace, I am terrible at branching out and meeting new people. I have really bad social anxiety. I've never been a very social person in the first place but now that I don't have opiates (which made me not give a fuck) I'm miserable and lonely.
 
Friends are usually made by promixity. The people you see or are around the most are those most likely to become your friends. Same thing with romantic partners every psychology book has a chapter on this.

However just being in the same class wasn't always enough unless it was a super interactive class like speech class/critical discourse. In other classes yeh I'd work on projects together and make "friends". But they were always superficial relationships.

It wasn't untill I got a small job on campus that I really started to make close bonds with certain people. Because a project in class only forces an interaction once or twice, than you find an excuse to not talk to that person at later dates. With a job interaction is usually made or formed on a daily basis. And even people that I have hated in the begining just because interaction was forced so often I'd wind up realizing "hey this person is really not what I thought them to be" and out of nowhere deep relationships would form.

If you want to find an make friends its always the proximity factor first and than forced interaction second. Think of it like that. Similarities can nurture self disclosure and form deeper bonds but nothing forms bonds as deep as repeated forced interaction.

One more quick word about 3 months ago I had very little to no friends cause I had graduated college and most of those superifical relationships I made in college went away quickly. I was a commuter too so that led to way less forced interaction as opposed to living on campus would. But then I found a small shitty job afterwards, have been there for 3 months, and already I have like 10 new numbers in my phone. Almost all 10 of those people too the first week I was there I told myself "I would never be friends with that person". But really like I said when you are forced to interact with the same people over and over... you really do learn that you have more things in common than not in common. And as simple as that friends are made.

Also if you are off opiates you may have a bit of PAWS to deal with, and apathy and a lack of ambition in general for close bonds with people. Empathy levels go down, so naturally it becomes harder to make friends. But when you start feeling better and more motivated/less anxious from being off drugs, I suggest finding any type of part time job, and trust me you will find friends. And then you will also find more things to complain about too lol. =]

Don't forget the more friends you have generally the more drama you will have too. So having a lot of friends definitely isn't always a good thing. Although I do think its still important to have at least a few intimate bonds with people you can trust. And be patient because naturally things like this takes time. You WILL have friends one day you're just going through a lot of change which is making it harder. But things will stablize and I'm sure at some point you'll find yourself talking to people more or even going out on the weekends and being social.

g/luck!
 
Like Bojangles, I suggest getting involved with something you are interested in either in your home town or at your school (one more day of commuting). If you work with people, paid or as a volunteer, it sort of forces interaction so that you don't have to do all the work yourself. Are there any clubs at school that interest you?
And don't forget--our country has an epidemic of loneliness going on! Many people are just waiting for someone else to rescue them from their own isolation. You could be that person and then you have helped alleviate your own suffering through alleviating theirs.<3
 
^ This.

Most people are good, kind and more often than not: lonely. It's so hard -- no word of a lie there -- but it is sometimes necessary to step well beyond the area where we're comfortable and just break the ice. It never goes as badly as we think it will: nobody will ever ridicule you for starting a conversation, and IME the worst that will happen is a few minutes of small talk with no follow up. School is the best place to build new friendships, but it's not the only one by far. I've met some great people through a super-friendly yoga studio, and I'm getting to know a few people through the local DIY engineering scene. Do what you love, do it 100%, and people will notice.

You will have to break the ice sometimes though. It takes work, but it's also a great skill to have. (Or so I've heard :\)
 
^^ Great advice! :)

One thing I would say as well is try to enjoy yourself by yourself too. Obviously the real key to making you feel less lonely is making new friends, and I am sure you will be able to do that, but it can also be very rewarding learning to spend time with yourself in a non-boring way! I went through a spell a while back where I didn't have anyone to hang out with, so I started planning things to do on my own - go to the cinema and see exactly what film I wanted, go on bike rides with a picnic, teach myself poi spinning (I'm a master now, haha!) and do lots of exercise. The latter has the benefit of getting the endorphins pumping and generally making you feel good too!

It's a lovely and liberating feeling knowing you can entertain yourself, at least for a while, and it's very refreshing being able to do what you want to do, not what your friends want :)

Good luck! :) <3
 
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the advice. I do have a job, but my co-workers are all either high school kids or in their 40's and older (I'm 21). I really wish I could be friends with some other women. Every girl has their one girl friend who they can call any time of the day to talk about problems and guys or any dumb thing but I don't. That probably sounds stupid and corny but I always see friends like that and then I come back home alone and with no one to talk to and it makes me depressed. & effie thank you for the great advice, I forget that I should also be thinking about my own interests sometimes (although all my lazy ass has done is re-watch every season of Arrested Development and listen to all my albums from The Clash).
 
Try joining a church or AA meetings. You might be surprised or look for outdoor events like car shows or garden shows or anything. You can meet people anywhere and you never know.
 
xxsicknessxx said:
Try joining a church or AA meetings. You might be surprised or look for outdoor events like car shows or garden shows or anything. You can meet people anywhere and you never know.
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I 2nd this - getting sober from the piss is one thing then the world just doesnt seem to get you and it all feels kinda placeless. Get out there, do AA, NA, church, whatever to get some sort of interaction with people who might know where ur at. The world's a good place with good people in it, sure there's some fuckers too but its finding the balls to go engage u need. Jump and that parachute will open bud but u gotta jump. Much love and take it easy
 
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