How are you holding up, "tacodude"?
Thanks for reading my previous Reply, and Yes, I do feel "I get it" as far as what you are attempting to express. I know how hard it can be to find the right words to accurately explain, and/or describe, some things, if the "right words" even exist.
I realize you're going through a rough, frustrating, time and you're hurting both physically and mentally. Perhaps you can consider each day, one more day toward finally finding a long term solution? (And I obviously don't mean killing yourself.) I know that can be much easier said than done....That's why I said "Perhaps".
The "System" we were told we could trust, IS "Broken", and I understand how you feel like you're attempting to run in the "right" direction, while that very same "System" has one of your feet nailed to the floor. It ends up with you running in the same circle, over, and over, and over,....Until You're Both Physically And Mentally Exhausted. It's as though way too many so-called Health Care Providers are way too eager to "Pass The Proverbial Buck", and what could be accomplished in Days, instead takes Weeks, Months,....?
I should add, on our "System's" behalf, our own Society is part of what contributed to it "Breaking", By Continuing To Abuse It. But that's a whole other subject.
It's extremely frustrating to think you may have unintentionally at least "scorched" some of the bridges behind you, and are now being "Blown Off" as far as some sort of treatment which has proven to actually work for you. That's Just Not Right On "Their" Part.
Even if you (Any of us?) made some "bad decisions" and/or "mistakes" with medications, drugs, etc., that doesn't, in and of itself, make you (Any of us?) a "bad person". And how much, and how severely, and how long, should you, or anybody else, have to pay for those types of "bad decisions" and/or "mistakes"? Of course, this depends on the severity of the particular situation at hand.
I have been in situations bearing many similarities to yours, yet a bit different. I'll save the "War Stories" for another time, if you want to hear about them.
I can honestly tell you, if I were in your situation, I'd should be searching every square inch of this planet for a Doctor, or some other Health Care Professional, who can get you off of your 'Mountain Of Fire" without your literally being "Tortured" any more than you have been.
Once again, I tend to give people "The Benefit Of The Doubt", so I'm trusting in your being forthright with what you are saying in your Posts. As I've stated, you sound, at the least, to be a fairly intelligent person, so I feel you can understand what I'm saying about this.
I don't know where you live, and I'm not going to attempt to pry that sort of information out of you.
What I do know, is that there are, in fact, people out there who can, and are willing to, help.
I'm both hoping for, and looking forward to, the day where we get through this, and can get to know each a little better. I'm pretty sure we'll even have a chuckle or two about whatever. That might sound "Corny", but I'm serious!
Once Again, Be Sure To Keep Us Updated.
R.