• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Canabis is my savior

sadstoner

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 30, 2016
Messages
8
Ever since you left.
All I feel is pain.
I can physically feel the missing part you ripped out of me and took with you.
I don't know where you are.
Its like you live in my mind.
I love to get high.
Canabis is my lover. It numbs me.
I smoke to forget. Everyday my mind loses itself.
Canabis. The day I used you to fill the gaps in my heart is the day you became addictive.
You were once smoked for short entertainment,
but now you became the reason I wake up.
 
I know you didn't ask for any advice, but I used cannabis for about a decade very heavily, from sun up to sun down and would smoke absurd amounts.

At the time I thought it was the only thing keeping me sane, but looking back I see that it held me back and allowed me to avoid a lot of my issues. Not saying that everyone who smokes weed is suppressing or avoiding issues but I definitely was and it sort of sounds like you are using cannabis to avoid or not deal with a specific issue.. Life is a lot easier and more pleasurable when you are able to really accept who and where you are in life. It's really difficult to live life trying to avoid part of who you are or what happened to you.. It allowed me to remain very isolated and kept me from coping with a lot of things in my life. I'm still working on coping with a lot of things in my life but now that I'm more ready to face and admit them the problems don't seem as big.

Finding reasons to live and be happy that aren't drug related can really go a long ways.. Just having something to strive towards helps me from feeling so inadequate.
 
When im sober, I just feel so down and alone. This breakup wasn't like any other I've ever had. He was special.. But he made me start to hate him. He had so much baggage. Yes, I took care of him he was my baby. But he was too much. He had anger issues. He didn't trust me at times. I was always loyal. It got so bad I had to go. Then a week later I found out he fucked some girl. That completely shattered me. When I confronted him, he denied it of course. He didn't have it in his heart to say it. But I know its true because I could feel change. Now I don't know where he is. I heard jail because he broke probation. But I just think about him constantly. Weed makes me forget about it. I have all these questions I wanna ask him. I just don't know what else to do. It's driving me insane.
 
Im sorry you have to deal with all of this, it sounds like you're suffering quite a bit. I certainly can't judge because I'm a daily user myself and it certainly can provide comfort during my low points, even if I'm not directly using it to avoid an issue, it can be a nice little oasis in all the chaos. However I think using all day every day will certainly have a negative effect on your emotional and cognitive function. Im sure even once a day can, but since we're both stoners here, it's a significant difference when you consciously monitor your use rather than just be high all of the time. I've been cutting back slowly and have found less and less of a need to use it. Sometimes I have to find myself sitting there very uncomfortable and very agitated perhaps, and I'd love the relief. But personally, Id rather be angry and uncomfortable than depressed and watching my life fade to nothing.

That's just my experience though. Maybe don't cut it out completely because it seems you rely on it fairly heavily, but maybe start trying to monitor your usage a little more. Give yourself the chance to see life through a real lens, even if it ain't so pretty all of the time. At the very least you will have the ability to see things for what they are and start to hopefully make real life changes. I hope cannabis can be a positive part of your life that can help add meaning and beauty to it with the altered perspective, rather than being associated with something so negative as avoiding reality and masking depression.

Again no judgment, just hoping to save you some trouble. Don't be too hard on yourself, take care of yourself, and I hope whatever troubles you passes swiftly.
 
Hey Stoner,

Although I haven't smoked as much as you, remember that any kind of addiction is bad, everything in moderation. Once I cleaned up it allowed me to fix relationships that I thought I had pissed away. The people who love you haven't left you, they are just waiting for you to come back.
Good luck!

LV
 
I know the feeling of being overcome with emotion that all you feel like you can do to cope is to get high and forget your problems.. Waking up and having thoughts racing so quick it feels like your head is spinning... not being able to fall asleep because different scenarios are playing over and over in your head.. spikes of anxiety seemingly triggered by nothing.. memories coming back to only slap you in the face..

Dealing with it isn't easy. It's never easy to get over a bad relationship, or hasn't been for me. The thing is drugs will not help you get over them or move on any faster. 10 years later I still find myself thinking about old relationships but I doubt they really think about me as much. For me it still seems like it was only a short time ago but most of them have moved on, gotten married and seem like they have gone so much further in life.

I hope you are able to face reality without needing to escape. It's not easy and it never is, but sooner or later it always seems to catch up. I think you might be grateful later on if you force yourself to face reality sooner than later.. Drugs can't love you back and will not take you anywhere in life.

Best of luck.
 
sadstoner, I am going through similar pain. This breakup for me was like no other as well. We are such quirky individuals together, with so many inside jokes and common interests it was like we were made for each other. She used to say we were each other's antidote. I used to drop her off love letters at 4am when I couldn't sleep in withdrawals. If I was actively using, we couldn't stand to be in the same room together, but otherwise we were an awesome team. I ruined this due to my incompetence in the relationship from relapsing on oxy's three times. When she left I went on a heroin binge, quickly realizing it was a stupid idea I have been clean since then.

I was still withdrawing from earlier heroin abuse when I met her. I am ruined by this. As horrific this past week of heroin withdrawal has been, all the physical symptoms, by far the worst part has been not talking to her and not knowing what she's up to.

I will stick to my weed too from now. I have been smoking at least 20 joints a day, but really nice outdoor (to me) that probably wouldn't sell in dispensaries as it is more balanced and not as strong. I love weed a lot and it helps me deal with this sort of loss. I know it probably sounds stupid because there are a million fish in the sea but I don't want anyone else. My heart is torn our of my body, I don't even believe in love anymore. My body surges with hatred and regret, so I get lit. Just wish I didn't have this fucking benzo habit too.

I can't stop thinking about her and I don't even know if she thinks about me much at all. I feel like she doesn't. Like you mentioned, I can feel that something is different, even without talking with her. I just know. I relapsed each time on pharmacy day, I couldn't say no to a lower tolerance and free pills that enabled me to actually get high since I had been off heroin for so long. Immediately, my relationship with her was decimated within a day, two tops. I'm just a different person on that shit, I don't have any fight in me. At this point I am so physically, spiritually, emotionally wounded that it's tough to carry on. When I was hanging out with her, we were hanging out every night and most days since we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We were having so much fun and feeling so happy together that most of the time I forgot I was supposed to be in heroin withdrawal. It was so severe that I wasn't planning on meeting her but it just happened and I got my sick ass out of bed to invest time in her even though my body didn't want to because I was envisioning a whole new future for my life with her.

It fucking sucks that opiates tear relationships apart. It goes to show how powerful they are because even the happiest of couples can become miserable if someone is using. It wasn't even heroin this time, it was percocets because I had lowered my tolerance so much. I will die before going back to those drugs because of this occurrence, and I fantasize every day about where I would be if I had kept clean. How much happier things were. How we made such a good team making up for each others strengths and weaknesses and we enjoyed a lot of romantic time together. This has devastated me. I am a week clean as of tonight. I think I finally learned my lesson because this act of choosing a pill over someone I viewed as my future wife was a fucking desecration. I can carry on, but this is something that will never leave me alone. I am scarred by it and I will never forgive myself. I'm not interested in relationships anymore unless this one comes around by some miracle. I am not interested in other women either, I don't think I could do that right now because I still long for my Annabel. It is HELL.

If he really likes you, this would likely be his wakeup call to get clean. Perhaps. I can't forgive myself for relapsing and I sure as hell wouldn't go and screw someone else. Anyways, your story is sad too. These drugs possess people like evil spirits but if he had sex with someone else so soon well maybe I'm an anomaly because I have had very few partners but that shows a lack of respect for you and what just happened even if he doesn't personally care and wants heroin more, it's just not cool at all.
 
Last edited:
I use cannabis as medicine and space it out accordingly. If i have things to do in the daytime, I just use it for sleep. Moderation is key, even for something as harmless as weed.
 
Yeah, I don't even get stoned anymore I smoke so much. I don't notice any alteration in consciousness at all, but I need to smoke it all the time or I start to freak out.
 
Life is full of heartache. Each one of us has to develop a relationship with devastation and the sooner you take that task on, the stronger you will become. You will never be safe from heartache--not at any age, not in any relationship, not in any phase of your life. I am telling you this as an older person who has had a wonderful life; wonderful but not without devastating heartache. If each time your heart is broken by loss, you must put yourself into a state of oblivion you not only set yourself up for the next loss hitting you even harder but you deny yourself all the fullness of life. Sadness, even gut-wrenching sadness is bearable. It is a part of love and it is directly relational to how deeply you love. So mourn your loss without denying it--you'll be happier in the long run. <3
 
i'm still really fucking lonely. I had my heart ripped to shreds and shit on this summer. It's harder to deal with than the heroin withdrawal I went through recently, happened at the same time so I had to deal with the loss in cold turkey, and I am a few days shy of three weeks. I miss her so much. I was much happier then. I just have to deal with the emotions I guess. Nothing is going to be my saviour apart from myself. I can't help being very sad : ( and I guess it can just be more fuel for my guitar playing. Too bad it's too late at night for me to practice at the moment as guitar is my anger outlet. I'm really sad but seem to meet women easily enough these days. It just sucks.
 
I wrote this back when I was smoking so much has I coughed up blood and got a bad lung infection and decided is was time to break it off with my love..

"I'm havin a bit of a love quarrel
and I can't seem to wrap my head around it
theres a girl in my world and she takes me so high
i feel like I can fly
but you see there's another side
to this girl in my life
i love her so bad
i feel like I could die

oh what do I do?
i love you so much
but I bring you down
when the bad outweighs the good
will I still be around?..
 
..I remember a time where everything seemed
so fresh and so clean
oh the grass was so green
but then green fades to black
and then suddenly
i found it hard to breath
i find it hard to breath..
oh what do I do?
youve helped me so much
i find you hard to let go
i don't know if I can walk this world alone
i even though I don't want to
i may have to walk alone.."
haha yee
 
I've been smoking weed since I was 12, daily since 13 so like 6 years everyday but I don't even get that high from it anymore , it's just a routine it is a bit of a head change I guess but in reality I feel like I keep smoking everyday because it's one of the few things from my childhood I still have left . I don't like change the familiarity comforts me
 
Life is full of heartache. Each one of us has to develop a relationship with devastation and the sooner you take that task on, the stronger you will become. You will never be safe from heartache--not at any age, not in any relationship, not in any phase of your life. I am telling you this as an older person who has had a wonderful life; wonderful but not without devastating heartache. If each time your heart is broken by loss, you must put yourself into a state of oblivion you not only set yourself up for the next loss hitting you even harder but you deny yourself all the fullness of life. Sadness, even gut-wrenching sadness is bearable. It is a part of love and it is directly relational to how deeply you love. So mourn your loss without denying it--you'll be happier in the long run. <3

24.gif
sometimes i think about the last days of my mom and the condition she was in... then smoke to cope. i'ma keep your words in mind. thank you

what Mafioso said really connects as well.
 
Top