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Recovery Here I go again...

Hi Elvis and FLA thank you for such thoughtful posts. Will respond when not trying to do this from a phone. Had to swing back by my house to get two paper scripts to drop off at the pharmacy. Was shaking so bad at that point I was lucky to find my propranolol. Still a little foggy but at least I don't have the shakes and I'm glad I didn't actually have to use alcohol for relief this time.
 
chompy said:
Hey, I just saw this post but I am glad you are doing better now. I too have a long relationship alcohol as I have never felt comfortable in my own skin and having panic attacks all the time. Its probably from growing up with a war vet of a dad.

I don't want to tell you what to do but perhaps you need to address the issues that cause you to drink. Progress not perfection as they say right?
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Yeah I know how that goes. My dad believed that our civilization was headed for imminent collapse and made sure we had wilderness survival skills. Anyway, I'm currently searching for a therapist better suited to help my condition. Any involvement in 12 step would be great support but I really need to do some serious psychotherapy otherwise what I do in 12 step isn't going to matter.
 
Have you tried looking into partial-hospitalization programs? Those 'IOP'(intensive out-patient programs) really work well because they are not all about AA. Sure they might tell you to go to a meeting on your free time, really they talk about and do groups on why do we do what we do?like why do we get high?
They really opened my eyes by learning how to participate in group settings, and share. Not to mention its mostly coed so i got to hear what women dealt with while using, and could defently relate.
Most insurance companies do cover programs like that, if you do that and go to meetings then i see nothing but good things happeneing.
Not to mention those iop classes are usually ran by a doctor, and someone with degrees in the field,other then some plumber telling you how to fix manage and controll shit, maybe look into it?
 
Thank you D's. I've been in a couple of IOPs. If I went the IOP route, at this point I would need to find one that is dual diagnosis. I think substance abuse is secondary to my other psychological/psychiatric issues (primarily borderline personality disorder) at this point. I'm pretty active in NA and have racked up up to 18 months clean and then something happens that sends me off the rails. Thank you for the suggestion though. It is something to consider and call around about.

On another note, I had to go home to get some prescriptions yesterday and I got my Remeron which I had forgotten. I am so grateful that I was asleep within 20-30 minutes of taking it and I was asleep for 8-9 hours.
 
I am really rooting for you aihfl.. I too think I have BPD. I was reading a thread in Sex and relationships and a lot of what was being said on the subject hit really close to home, so I went and looked up the signs and symptoms and it was an uncanny description of the feelings that have plagued me my entire adult life. I have all the symptoms. I even posted a thread in the mental health section about it but took it down for personal reasons. I have never read a more accurate description of my psychiatric issues. I am however not very aggressive or angry for fear of driving people away, though I secretly hold a lot of those feelings in and turn them against myself in the form of self loathing and harm. I judge myself through rejection instead of turning it on the one who I perceive to have rejected me. I do admit that I will often turn the feelings on my mother in anger because of a lot of resentments I have towards her. She actually has all the same symptoms as well and I loath the fact that I may be a bit more like her than I would like to admit. She however has no problem taking her craziness out on others.

Hope all is well. Let me know if you are going to any meetings because I could actually meet you now because I have a vehicle.. Though I don't have much gas to waste.
 
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Well I'm at home for the day trying to get this place cleaned up and to do laundry. I found two flat cans of Bud Lite so of course I drank them. It's Bud Lite so I'm not too worried that it's going to set me back. Part of me doesn't care because of the small amount of relief it provided but the other part wishes I hadn't done it. Realistically I can't stay at my friend's for much longer and would have to deal with this shit soon anyway.
 
Got the bulk of the cleaning done. Wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Got all the empty beer cans and wine containers thrown out, got the kitchen cleaned up and did two loads of laundry. It still stinks in here but I am overdue for my annual carpet cleaning. In addition to the two flat cans of beer I found an unopened can. I drank it. Maybe it's rationalization but I'd rather have had it now than stumbled across it after I'm done detoxing and have it really set me back.
 
Good job for wanting to quit. I decided to not drink anymore today as well. It's almost 24 hours and im sweaty/anxious as hell but I know I can make it thru this.

Best of luck to you
 
Hey,aih-

Just stopping by to say hello. I haven't slept at all and I have a lot to get done today.

If I had come across some bags while detoxing-your're damn right I would've done them Especially when your're early in like you are. You'll be ok. I'm sure a couple cans of beer is not bringing you to the beginning. It would be difficult for anyone w our predisposition not to give in. You seem to be dealing with everything ok. Great job. Also great job straightening your house up.



Hey chompy - hang in there! I know you feel shitty but you're doing great. Good luck to you.
 
Sorry to hear about the brutal insomnia, 10. I am so thankful for Remeron. It knocks me out relatively quickly and keeps me knocked out. Benzos arguably knock me out faster but I don't sleep nearly as well, plus benzos are part of my addiction problem so I really try to use them sparingly. It's still pretty early in the day so who knows how I will feel later, I just hope I've turned a corner and instead of having wd symptoms continuing to yo-yo, things get progressively better from here on out, after all I'm about the 96 hour or 4 day mark now.
 
Thanks 10. Glad to hear you're doing better aihfl. I'm actually not feeling that bad at the 36 hour mark. Feeling my body heal from the 5 month binge.

Things are going to get better. Best of luck with your recovery.
 
It sounds like you could well be over the worst off it which is positive stuff! I completely forgot about Remeron/Mirtazipine and one of the more useful side-effects of the medication - the sedative effect. I have not long been on them for too long and they could have well been helpful for past opiate detoxes and luckily helped me through benzo withdrawal so I did not experience too much insomnia and it was mainly anxiety that was the most troubling symptoms. However, one of the less favourable side effects for me are the vivid dreams I experience which are often to past trauma. I am on 45mg so that's a pretty high dose and I really want to reduce my dose to see if I start to have less vivid dreams and insomnia has not been an issue recently as I am not currently detoxing. But It might take a bit of convincing for the quacks to let me reduce my dosage! I'm glad to hear you've turned a corner and starting to feel better. I enjoy and relate very much to your posts - thank you for being so open about your experiences. I wish you the best of luck!
 
Thank you chompy. Glad to hear you're feeling better too. I slept probably 7 hrs last night but just can't seem to wake up today. But knock on wood I don't seem to have any of the brain fog and physical symptoms of wd so far today.

Wow Elvis, I'm only on 15mg of Remeron. Vivid dreams aren't nearly the issue as they were on trazodone. Also, there should be a warning label on trazodone that reads "don't make any fucking plans." I could easily sleep 12 hours on trazodone and getting out of bed was incredibly difficult.
 
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Man, my day keeps getting better, other than the runs and stomach discomfort lol. I too got about 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night without the alco-terror dreams. It was great! Still woke up in fight mode but its something I have to process and deal with.

Lets beat this shit!
 
Glad to hear you are doing better chompy. Yesterday was the first day I didn't eat like a bird and had my old appetite back. I could use a little more sleep but that is my fault for staying up too late watching Stephen Colbert when I have to work in the morning. I went to my old regular AA meeting. I was nervous as hell walking back in, but everyone was nice and we went out to dinner after to one of these Asian fusion places and I had a good time. I guess the old saying is true, you are always welcome when you decide to come back. Hope everyone else is doing well. I think I'm back to being myself. Now I just have to get back into that healthy routine I had before this binge started. Also, have to begin looking for a therapist with renewed gusto on Monday. I called one Thursday and never heard back. No one wants to take Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance anymore because they are a bunch of cheap asses and don't compensate their providers as well as other insurance companies.
 
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Hey aih-awesome!! Glad to hear you're feeling more yourself. And sleeping! That's huge. I slept ok last night. I have to get the hell out of here today (my mother in laws house). For no immediate reasons in particular, but for many justified old resentments, she and her son (my husband) are really getting on my fucking nerves. Being in this house is oppressive. She does t get around well due to being very heavy her entire life and basically sits in a recliner 24hrs a day. In silence. Meaning no tv. Or radio. It unnerves me-especially when it's dark in the house.

I find it strange for 3 people to be in a dark, silent house not speaking. Her and my husband look at their phones nonstop. I need white noise. Also, I'm at her home, not mine. I think I made my point lol. It's not that I feel either of us is wrong--we just are different. This had been so difficult. My husband has been getting drunk everyday. He becomes argumentative and aggressive. He keeps trying to attack me at night (i mean in bed Sorry for TMI)-we are at his MOM's and the house is small!! And as I mentioned dead quiet. He is pissing me off w this!!!! He's drunk and being obnoxious. He is in no way deprived by me sexually. It's just now is NOT the time. Jesus. All of this isn't helping me It makes me want to escape.

I am am getting out today. Somehow. Thanks for listening to me Hope everyone is well today.
 
Hi 10, thank you for the update. I am still at my friend's and I was thinking about going home today, but I think I will hang out here for a few more days. I have Thursday off from work so I am planning to go and do an intake assessment for a dual-diagnosis IOP that day. I don't think it's a good idea for me to go home until I have some structure in place. A former colleague from my musician days got me tickets to see a performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony yesterday and I had to go home to get a suit and it gave me serious anxiety to be there, even though it has now been cleaned.

I am sorry to hear about your husband's behavior. I mentioned on Somni's thread that my ex wife did not put out for about the last two years we lived together. I never cheated on her (though I am quite sure she did) and after I moved out I went apeshit sexually. I'm glad I have it out of my system. I don't have anything much to offer myself, let alone a partner, until I work on myself. And the way I feel right now, even if I never feel ready to be with anyone else that's ok because while I miss the idea of sex, I don't miss what I had to go through to get it.

Went back to my regular AA meeting again yesterday (the agnostic/atheist meeting). One of my friends who I hadn't seen in a while was there. She cracked after 4 years and is drinking again. I could smell it on her. She, like me, is trying to figure out what comes next. I've made it a week now.

Hope you and everyone else are having a good day. Back to work for me.
 
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Welp, I did it. Intake assessment scheduled for a dual-diagnosis IOP tomorrow at 7pm. Will post how it goes.
 
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Good job aih! Honestly, if I weren't married- I would not be looking for a relationship. Sexual or otherwise right now Concentrating completely on ourselves is so important. Being in a relationship right now causes a lot of aggravation

You are very wise to heed your instincts. If you're feeling anxious at home right now--it's a good idea to stay w your friend. Anxiety leads nowhere good. I need to speak to a therapist about coping mechanisms for the stresses in my marriage. I am not sure I want to be in this marriage if things aren't addressed and improved. Life can be so overwhelming lol.

It it sucks that your friend is drinking again. I give her credit for showing up at a meeting. It takes courage. As we both know, it's scary to go back. And good job aih for going back even though you were scared. :) <3
 
Your doing great aihfl.. I started going back to meeting myself and have really started to get proactive in making some moves.
 
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