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Getting things in line for the end.

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DogLover123757 said:
I know that our lives are not a carbon copy of each other, and it's near impossible to truly understand another person's situation and feelings 100%. No matter how much interaction there is. Nothing can change the past for either of us and I wish we could have just one time that we could hit rewind and get to go back and make a different decision at a bad time in our lives. I have so many regrets, I am such a disappointment and embarrassment to my family and I am stuck with that forever. Each of us has our own darkness but we have also been given the ability to share with each other and lift each other up in a time of need. You have a nine year old daughter, that is one of the most beautiful gifts that our species has been given. I hope you look to her and just feel warmth and happiness and use her as motivation to stay alive and make a change. Easier said then done I know, I don't have any chdren just nephews and nieces. I try to help them and give them advice to not make the same mistakes as I have. It feels good when I can share with them and steer them in the right direction. So writing a book, finishing school and your daughter, that is three excellent reasons to hang on and you can find a lot of love and happiness in those categories. I know it's damn near impossible to overcome the negative feelings but you have beautiful reasons to hang around, just one step at a time. Hang on!
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I read most of what you said while Asia and I are taking a break. Asia is my dog. Yes she's beautiful, I didn't realize your name till now.

Based off my quick reading...? Dude get off the pills. All of them. And all substances. If you still feel suicidal? Center yourself and cut everyone off. Except your pets.

That's what I have done in my 27 years. I feel acceptance and peace. It's almost my time. I just have to figure out how to explain myself as I feel fit to my loved ones.

I will not leave looking like cowardess. No.
 
I started drinking because I felt it wouldn't change anything.

I was wrong. It hurt my whole family. Now I have to make that up before I go. Get it?

I won't die letting them think I wasn't clear minded.
 
DogLover123757 said:
I agree mental pain and agony is a million times worse than breaking any bone. It's horrible and torturous.
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I've just now been able to read your thoughtful response. (All of them).
I have a lot to say. I will be back in response.
As you can see... I was on the road with my dog and I live in Idaho.

It's fucking hot.
 
TheOpposite said:
I've just now been able to read your thoughtful response. (All of them).
I have a lot to say. I will be back in response.
As you can see... I was on the road with my dog and I live in Idaho.

It's fucking hot.
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Try Texas, start sweating seconds after stepping outside.

I can see you seem determined to stay on the path you have chosen. First and foremost I hope you can change your mind. If it's ok I am very curious to know what physical ailments you are coping with. I know you said you can handle the pain, it's the depression that's bothering you the most but I'm curious none the less. What mental aspects are bothering you the most. What timeline have you set. How do you intend to end your life.


I apologize if I'm being to forward. I know it's none of my business so if you choose to ignore me I understand.
 
No hurry take your time and relax. We will be here ready to listen and respond whenever you have time.
 
Thank you both. And I am trying.

Okay. I am losing my touch with reality. Just so my followers know. And it is something of my choice.
I am truly letting go.

Those who are holding on to my post... and wanting to know why...
I don't have an answer.

This man asked me outside my apartment just now as I ran outside to save his dumbass dog...

He let his dog almost run out in the middle of the road. I ran. I'm drunk as shit. I've downed a half gallon of Kamchatka vodka.

You fuckers tell me why.
 
Alright... I think a question was "what's keeping me out of touch of reality..."

I think that's right, I could be wrong. Follow along with me. Does anything want a photo of me and my Asia? Bad idea, prob.... but I'll do it

K... interesting concept...
What is keeping me in the realms of depression?
Right there. Right there is where I do not have the answer. You don't understand. Because you do not have it.

And be thankful. Be thankful you don't have it.
 
I have always wondered why I am plagued by my feelings of dread and hopelessness and fear. I cannot figure it out, if the answer is somehow around me I don't see it and can't comprehend it. Talking to doctors and watching them shake their head as in "I totally understand you" and then diagnose me with certain things they seem to think that I have made progress. For over two and a half decades I have had all these feelings and I don't know where they came from. I am adopted so I was told I inherited these traits from my birth parents as they both abused drugs and alcohol. I wish I had the answers or an explanation for you but truth be told I have no answers and it just adds to my depression, anger and paranoia. I would like to see your dog but I don't know if sending pics on here is the best idea. If you want just tell me more about her. My dog is 15 years old and is half black lab and half bull terrier. She is the most loving and caring living being I have ever met in my life. It does help that she is always happy to see me and however bad I am feeling she just wants to cuddle and hang out. So how is it going now?
 
I'm trying. You said your dog is 15? Honey hear her.
Hear her. Because it's raw. I do not know your dog's mix, at all. But my husky is 7 and she alerts everyone to my seizures.

Now... let me read more... now that I'm kinda closed in...

I'll try my best. We are trying to travel.
 
Never EVER let a doctor diagnose you based off adoption. And also do not let any of it go unheard.
It can be right, and wrong.

That being said... when did you meet your blood? When were you taken? How old are you now?
 
TheOpposite said:
If you told me I'm so sorry.
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. Hey I don't know how to send a pic, I have never tried it myself. I was adopted when I was three days old. I have never met my birth parents, my mom was Korean and my dad was in the military stationed in Panama. That's all I know besides the doctor telling my adoptive parents that they both abused alcohol and drugs. I don't even know their names. My adoptive parents gave me a folder of all the info when I turned 18 and there wasn't anything in there but my certificate of adoption and a letter stating I was born in Junction City Kansas. I will state though that being adopted saved me from a life of being unwanted or going from foster home to foster home and we know how those kids are usually treated, like absolute shit. So I don't hold any animosity towards my birth parents, they weren't married or even together, it was like a one night stand and there was no protection used and I was the result of their lust and stupidly. Anyways you said you were traveling so I hope you are relaxed and having a fun and safe journey. And I am glad your dog can alert people when you are having a seizure, dogs are a living, breathing example of unconditional love and and all the suffering they go through in laboratories and dog fighting rings makes me absolutely sick and so full of anger that I feel like I am losing control when I think about it. So how are you feeling today and where are you headed if I may ask? I hope you are doing okay.
 
I have been following your thread still. I don't have much comfort to offer, but I still remain curious about you and your life. I agree that mental anguish can be unfathomable by people who aren't experiencing your exact type of pain. I hate that it's so difficult to make other people understand exactly how you're feeling. That's why in my daily life I usually bury my emotions. My friends know I'm fucked up in the head and when I think I've made progress, I get scared that I'll have a severe panic attack and be back at square one in my own personal hell of being scared of everything and hating myself even more. I hate that I'm trapped by my anxiety, while other people are enjoying life and experiencing things. It makes me bitter but I try not to let it show because it would drive everyone away, and I don't have many friends as it is. I've always been more of a loner. But anxiety is ruining my life.

Enough about me though. I just wanted to let you know that I am indeed thinking about you and I still wish you the best. Alcohol is my escape too.
 
Hi, OP. I just caught up on this thread. How are you feeling about these issues now? Have you gotten any relief from the suicidal drives?
 
I am unsure of my response.
I have been drinking continuous. Non stop.
I have yet to find ketamine.

I did try to kill myself chemically. I failed.
My skin is peeling off.
That's all I accomplished.

I believe I need to find an enclosed area with exhaust. Asap.
 
You do not want to kill yourself looking ugly. Like me.

Exhaust is the answer.
It has to be enclosed. Be smart.
 
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