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I need help // Ego

Psychedalienation

Psychedalienation

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 28, 2016
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391
I can't let go. I can't stop thinking with my ego. I can't stop thinking about what other people think about my words and actions. I live in a house full of maximal egotists as well. This means I have no one to turn to. They won't understand. They're who I learned this from I'm starting to see.

I use Twitter/social media way too much. All it is is a platform to broadcast the ego every which way. I feel very confused right now and have a slight headache. I want to let go. I want to understand that perception that people who have experienced ego-death see. I hate the way I think.

Every single time I think, I'm analyzing it now, and it equates to egotism.

How do I do it? There must be a way to work up to it. I'm sure it is not possible to do instantaneously. Especially in a my particular situation. So what can I do? I listen to Alan Watts and those always seem to help but it never lasts. I always end up back to square one within a week or two.

I'm planning a psilocybin mushroom trip but I don't want to embark on that journey at square one. It is a tool not a heal-all so I want to start somewhere.

Where do I start?

(I don't really want to hear anything about "God" or anything of that nature, this is purely philosophical, thank you.)
 
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You are ego talking, right now. There is no "my ego" like it's separate from you. You're just talking about yourself in the third person.

The first step is acknowledging that ego isn't one's true nature, which it seems you've already done because you acknowledge it is causing problems in your life.

The thing is that in order to navigate the material world, to use language and to communicate ideas, to have thoughts themselves, you are usually employing ego. But the true nature is the stillness, the silence, the emptiness that ego dissolves into. Whether ego is operating or it's silent, present awareness is always there.

For most of us, the best we can do is train ego to cooperate with True Nature, rather than try to vanquish ego. Carl Jung called this taming the ego with the authority of the higher self, so that ego works with one's true nature rather than against it or it confusing ways. Saying it's not true nature and actually realizing it, in your body, are two different things though. I find the former is what leads people to talk about ego conceptually but without debunking their own consciousness.

There are many methods. Cutting out as much useless noise from your life is a good starting point. But there will always be some degree of noise and distraction, and when you've done all you can, you have to learn to live with some degree of it. Same goes with suffering.

It is possible to eventually realize a state where ego is not happening at all, and you are functioning purely from present awareness. There is no past or future, just the present moment, all the time. Some might call this enlightenment -- I don't know for sure.
 
You're desiring not to desire. This is impossible. To say you don't want to be an egotist you're participating in a very egotistical venture. Letting go just means to be yourself.
 
Shrooms00087 said:
You're desiring not to desire. This is impossible. To say you don't want to be an egotist you're participating in a very egotistical venture. Letting go just means to be yourself.
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I don't know how. That's the problem. I have lived my whole life one way. I don't have a Buddhist teacher who can create that dialogue for me to figure it out. I feel lost.
 
Foreigner said:
You are ego talking, right now. There is no "my ego" like it's separate from you. You're just talking about yourself in the third person.

The first step is acknowledging that ego isn't one's true nature, which it seems you've already done because you acknowledge it is causing problems in your life.

The thing is that in order to navigate the material world, to use language and to communicate ideas, to have thoughts themselves, you are usually employing ego. But the true nature is the stillness, the silence, the emptiness that ego dissolves into. Whether ego is operating or it's silent, present awareness is always there.

For most of us, the best we can do is train ego to cooperate with True Nature, rather than try to vanquish ego. Carl Jung called this taming the ego with the authority of the higher self, so that ego works with one's true nature rather than against it or it confusing ways. Saying it's not true nature and actually realizing it, in your body, are two different things though. I find the former is what leads people to talk about ego conceptually but without debunking their own consciousness.

There are many methods. Cutting out as much useless noise from your life is a good starting point. But there will always be some degree of noise and distraction, and when you've done all you can, you have to learn to live with some degree of it. Same goes with suffering.

It is possible to eventually realize a state where ego is not happening at all, and you are functioning purely from present awareness. There is no past or future, just the present moment, all the time. Some might call this enlightenment -- I don't know for sure.
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What is useless noise and what is not. Can you define that?
 
Shrooms00087 said:
What exactly are you attempting to change?
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I don't like everything I do is done in attempt to make a certain impression on people. Everything is pre-calculated. I say things only so people will see me in a certain light. I'm insecure, and I don't like many things about myself. I want to be pure and just myself but I don't even know who I am anymore.
 
Psychedalienation said:
I don't like everything I do is done in attempt to make a certain impression on people. Everything is pre-calculated. I say things only so people will see me in a certain light. I'm insecure, and I don't like many things about myself. I want to be pure and just myself but I don't even know who I am anymore.
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Everything is going to be pre-calculated at best what you're wanting is to be an unconscious person who doesn't think before acting. Socially this never comes off well. When Alan Watts suggested "Act without thinking" he means not to be unconscious but to cease being anxious and do what you feel, stop beating yourself up, etc. It doesn't mean that you come to a state where you don't think about how you come off socially, because that's important if only to be in concert with decent and respectful people. Whether people find you funny or weird or what have you -- all it comes down to is can you abide by societal rules and be cordial. If you achieve being respectful and pleasant to be around and don't beat yourself up, I would argue that you've become enlightened. The rest is theocratic dialectics about what is real, what is suffering, and how to realize that what's real may not be, and what is suffering doesn't suffer forever.

*edit:
Buddhists are much more lenient than the other religions who drive home the point of good and evil and the fight to preserve the good over evil all the way down to your individual actions and its cosmic complications.
 
One way to begin to lessen the grip of ego over your life is to use a mantra for a while. It takes a pretty hardcore commitment, but you can begin to lessen the power of chatter over you mind pretty significantly by doing so. A mantra I like a lot is "I am here now." Basically, commit to at least a week of repeating that nonstop every waking moment of the day when you aren't actively talking to somebody or doing something that requires a lot of concentration. Completely give in to the process and replace it with every single thought. The idea of doing this might give you anxiety at first, but you're not missing out on much. TBH, a week isn't enough, but it's a good start. I did this for ten weeks several times in my life. I still have mental chatter. It will however positively impact your overall sense of control over your thoughts.
 
Some of this naturally gets better with age. I remember going through something that felt as urgent as your post in my twenties. The image-driven world seemed inescapable as I realized it was as much in me as outside of me. But what cracked it open for me was realizing that everyone around me (like your roommates) was caught in the same predicament and each of us was suffering in our own little private hell. If you boiled every single fear and anxiety and ego-driven attempt to stand out or be seen into one need it could be distilled into this: needing to feel genuinely loved. The crazy and counter intuitive antidote to that overwhelming need is to try to love other people. I say 'try' because it is not easy to give our full attention to someone else, to appreciate him or her for the flawed human and not the image projected. Introspection is good but it can be a self defeating trap in its own right. Sometimes you need to turn from that mesmerizing mirror inside and respond to the suffering of others. You do not need to be wise or smart or inspirational. You only need to give exactly what you yourself crave from others: genuine attention, sincere interest, non-judgmental connection.

The other great healer for the ego IME is spending time with trees. The older, the better. They are the calmest beings on earth. Lean against a tree and put your ear to the bark, close your eyes and listen. Or lie on the ground under the expanse of branches and watch the movement. A tree can pull me out of my own madness inside like nothing else. There is the added benefit of appreciating where you are on this earth. Even if you live in a concrete jungle or a town, you can find the survivors--often hundreds of years old.

It is possible to live at ease with your ego. We are full human beings. I like to remember what it felt like to be a little, little kid. I never woke up thinking about possible accomplishments, success or failure, how I looked or what anyone else thought about me--I wasn't even aware of those things! All that existed at the moment of waking was an incredible excitement to get outside and see what the day was like. I am finding it easier in old age to get moments of that innocent engagement back more and more, despite the horrors of what is transpiring in our crazy human experiment.

I hope you can find those moments of peace, too. Mostly it is just learning to relax into them.<3
 
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Some good advice here. I would take a different tact in your perception of 'ego' though.

You don't accept everything about yourself, so you feel insecure and seek the approval and validation of others.

Accept your flaws and failings, love yourself, and you won't give a rats arse for other people's opinions of you anymore. And suddenly no more social media nonsense.
 
Psychedalienation said:
I don't like everything I do is done in attempt to make a certain impression on people. Everything is pre-calculated. I say things only so people will see me in a certain light. I'm insecure, and I don't like many things about myself. I want to be pure and just myself but I don't even know who I am anymore.
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Aha, you're a human! You evolved to be social and to care deeply about your interaction with others. Don't beat yourself up for being human. Its futile.

I've experienced ego death on several occasions, from psychedelics. Its remarkable but ultimately not useful or persistent. It shows you a glimpse of another way, a truer reality but a glimpse is all it is. There's no magic cure for humanness.

Except death, which I fear but anticipate with some interest.
 
swilow said:
Aha, you're a human! You evolved to be social and to care deeply about your interaction with others. Don't beat yourself up for being human. Its futile.

I've experienced ego death on several occasions, from psychedelics. Its remarkable but ultimately not useful or persistent. It shows you a glimpse of another way, a truer reality but a glimpse is all it is. There's no magic cure for humanness.

Except death, which I fear but anticipate with some interest.
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Yes this was also a revelation I had last night on shrooms. That I was running away from who I really was. But I realized I could just show more love and it helped take the bitterness from my soul and it helped take my ego down a size. I don't know what I was thinking yesterday but I'm glad I've opened my eyes.
 
^Good for you :).

Learning to work with the ego takes a lifetime I suspect. The drugs wear off, lifes minor indignities stack up, thank god, Zeus and the Devil for the glimpse psychedelics give us.
 
Yeah as I said in the other thread, that's beautiful, I'm happy for you that you had the experience. :) My advice to you is, work to maintain this point of view, work to integrate it into your life. Don't come to rely on psychedelics too much. Immerse yourself in things you enjoy/love doing, and find some like-minded people, it will make maintaining this state easier. Like swilow said, there is no magic cure, but the ego death experience can be powerfully transformative. Mine did change me forever, even though I have changed much since it happened too. It started me on a path I'm still on, but it hasn't been easy the whole way. It happened almost 16 years ago and today I can say I feel stable in my life and perspective, but I had some difficult and dark times in between. Life keeps happening, but hopefully with this fresh perspective, you can deal with it in healthier ways. :)
 
^How do you quantify the change though? For me, ego death is an experience I draw strength from mainly when physically/mentally suffering; I can remind myself that the suffering is illusory and emerges from my thoughts rather than being some absolute and "real" response that I have no say in. Its helped me become more aware of the choices I can make to create my own reality.

But, its caused me some existential anxiety too. I have felt overwhelmed by the myriad choices I need to constantly make.
 
The change was both immediate and slowly evolving. I had my initial ego death experience the first time I ate mushrooms, in the midst of having recently pushed away from Christianity and entering a place of cynical nihilism. My experience totally altered my perception of what I am and what reality is, I could not refute the reality of the experience and forever since then I have looked at the world differently and in a more, I feel, wholesome and benevolent way. Also, like you, I've been able to draw on it in times of difficulty.

I experienced an initial period of intense euphoria and an outpouring of awesomeness, and then I had some years where I felt like I wished I could go back to before because I was having a lot of trouble fitting in to society, and it seemed like everyone else was just happy being a part of it, as I had (sort of) been before. Eventually I figured that out, actually moving to where I live now helped a lot because I feel like many people here are like me instead of feeling like hardly anyone is like me. I also learned how to still function in society and not feel resentful or awkward around people who are "standard", so I find I can relate to almost anyone better than I ever could now, because it's easier to see things from other perspectives (but this took time and effort).

Basically, initially the experience brought additional confusion and complexity to my life, but now, many years later, I feel less confused than I ever have, and I love the additional complexity. It's been a long process, as life always is.
 
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