Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

[Jabberwocky]

I like the way you think kaya :D

 

[Stargazer]

I like that too kaya . Well put. I soooo know how nauseating starting over ...and over....and eh hem over can be. Guys I gotta figure this out. On day 8 again. This time w/o subs. My connect is flaking out on doing urine test for refill.

But. ....Sixxxx!!!!!!! Hey you! So glad to see you. Your ears should've been ringing-I have thought of you often and wondered how you're doing. So glad to hear you're hanging in there. Huge hug.

I haven't posted really because I don't know what to say. So I will share a story of exactly why NA can be a huge turn-off...ok...scene: me sitting on a bench 7 days ago. Starting day 1...again. Wanting to shoot myself. Completely upset and disgusted. Out of nowhere....

This girl starts talking to me. She sits down next to me and she's very talkative-but in an ADD'ish kind of way. I don't care because Im friendly and I had taken Lyrica so I wasn't feeling horrible yet Somehow we got on the topic of recovery and drugs. I tell her about me cause - I don't care. Omgaa. Mistake. She was preaching total abstinence and pushing NA on me despite me telling her Im fine w it just not all of it. She gave me her AA Big Book which I attempted very hard not to accept but it was becoming embarrassing so I took it. I was thinking of all you guys and wondering what you would've done. Sheesh. Exactly what turns people away from NA.

Sweet Sim. Muah. I too wonder if I should stop fighting to get on track and not go all in and say fuck it. We both know deep down-we have to keep fighting. Sim, I feel like shit right now. I am so cold. Can't get warm. And its warm out. On top of all other w/d symptoms. This kick has been vicious. I have no answers other than Im continuing to try. I love you guys. ?

 

[simco]

10years... trying is all we can do. Eventually all the trying (I also think of it as practicing) starts to look more like what we are aiming for. It's (usually) a slow, loooonnnnnng process, alas. But you're in the thick of it. You're doing recovery *right now*, so I hope you can take the credit that's due to you for that.

It took my so many runs at this before I got any distance between me and H. I thought it would never happen for me. But lo and behold, eventually things got a little better, then a little better still. And that's where I'm at...just practicing. Trying like a motherfucker--sometimes with success; sometimes not so much.

It will happen for you, 10years.

And hey, I'm sorry to hear you got accosted by a 12-step lunatic. That does sound like quite a turnoff.

 

[Stargazer]

Its like a computer chip was in my head and she found me-I mean the odds of that were slim to none w slim being on vacation. If she only really knew who she was talking to.

I have thought about the questions you and TPD often ask of me (and all of us) regarding this relaspe- the why's and what's going on etc. Ive been crying my soul out. It started with my best friend nit being there for me like she said she would. I reached out the entire fall--I didn't hide that I was messing up. Im deeply hurt. And its opened the door to other hurts. Now to find an effective way to deal w all this craziness. Thanks for the kind words Sim. They're really needed. xoxo

 

[simco]

I've been trying hard to face the days with a more positive outlook recently. It's been a little over a week now that I've been making efforts to be less critical of myself than I usually am, and at first it seemed like it was having a good effect on my mood. Last couple days have been hard though. I'm not going to call it a failed experiment. But the self-hate thread that's come back to life feels like it has my name written all over it.

At this point, going back to therapy is starting to look good. The unrelenting bad juju just brings me the fuck down.

Only partly related... today a friend asked me to take her to the doctor while she had sinus surgery. I was pretty jazzed that she asked me to do that. Made me feel like I had something to contribute to the day. But in the end I had to get my wife to come take over because it became clear that our friend was going to need her babysitter to go to the pharmacy to pick up and then administer her pain meds. When I realized that was in the offing my head lit up like a million bucks. All I could think of was raiding that bottle.

Well, I suppose it was good that I bailed instead of ripping off her pills. I still feel shitty, though.

Ah, I don't even know what I'm trying to write. Just a couple of crummy days is all.

 

[avaslov]

Outstanding and brutal writing man. I'm extremely drawn in and can feel the realism of your situation. You're a very talented man and your writing is really something. It's endearing that you are so real and have no boundaries. This is what people who are in the midst of the storm need to read. You're a real encouragement to those who are running from that shadow that can't tricked. Keep this up man and soon enough, you'll have a brutally, dark, and very human novel.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Outstanding and brutal writing man. I'm extremely drawn in and can feel the realism of your situation. You're a very talented man and your writing is really something. It's endearing that you are so real and have no boundaries. This is what people who are in the midst of the storm need to read. You're a real encouragement to those who are running from that shadow that can't tricked. Keep this up man and soon enough, you'll have a brutally, dark, and very human novel.

Agreed! See, here we have what you call "evidence." It isn't just little old me who thinks like this

p.s. It is okay to hate yourself if you feel you have to be that way. Be with the way you are is what is most important, especially considering that the way you exist and feel about the world will change sooner or later. It's just a matter of finding that next new, savory, fun distraction :D

 

[simco]

Thanks avaslov and TPD...the shout out about my writing really makes me happy.

 

[simco]

Today marks 6 months since I quit heroin.

I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. For years (about 2 years) I was stuck in the revolving door of using, quitting, then relapsing. I really thought it was impossible that I could break that cycle. It was just last August that I felt so backed into a corner that I tried to kill myself. But after that I started to change, and by October I started having more success in keeping the drugs away. Since then, things have been dicey very often...I worry all the time about relapsing or doing some fucked, stupid shit. But dicey or not, things have gotten way better.

For my own clear thinking (and in case it helps anyone else), here are the things that I think have been instrumental in helping me make it this far.

1. I asked for help. I had to get humble and ask my family and friends to keep in close contact with me. I chose two people in particular (my best friend and my wife) to be very real with me. We talk every day, not just shooting the shit but really sussing out out how strong or weak I'm feeling. I also sought help from strangers--a medically-based intensive outpatient rehab (IOP) and an often-strained relationship with Narcotics Anonymous.

2. I realized there is no silver bullet, at least when it comes to my own addiction. This point is obviously in some tension with the point I just described. When I first started leaning on other people, I looked around for someone who could fix me, someone who could give me the keys to the kingdom. This was especially true of my time in that IOP and my attitude towards NA. It took me a long time to realize that, yes, I need help. But once I'm propped up by others, it's up to me to get better. To be honest, this is one point I'm still really working on understanding/remembering. But it's definitely the case that I have gotten much more benefit from IOP, NA etc. since I stopped kneeling at their altars waiting for enlightenment.

3. I found medication that worked for me. For many opioid addicts, ORT--especially suboxone these days--is the state of the art in terms of treatment. But for some reason, my own experience with suboxone was abortive; it just never touched my cravings. Meanwhile I had read a long time ago about the opioid blocker naltrexone. I intuited that, given what I know about my own thought processes, naltrexone might help me. It took a long time to get a doctor to Rx naltrexone to me, but since I started it, it has helped me greatly. N.B. My point here is not to pimp naltrexone. My point is only to say that finding the medicine that was right for me was a big step.

4. I got invested in my recovery. Way back in the day, when I was first trying to clean up, the wonderful former SL mod named Priest (full handle, Priest they called him) urged me to do precisely this: get invested in your recovery. He was absolutely fucking right. It is taking me time to understand what that means to me. But it has been crucial for me to accept that my recovery is going to be a project for many years. It's something I need to cultivate and practice on a daily basis.

5. I got involved. I tend towards alienation, isolation and social anxiety. My instinct is to loll around depressed and pissed at myself. I learned to act like this over years of struggling with depression and my own daily adversities. But for now I need to extend myself a bit further. I'm so thankful that I was able to take on my current mod responsibilities on SL...but even before I became a moderator, just being an active member of SL gave me a sense of connection to other people that has been deeply therapeutic. Likewise at NA--I've taken on a few *small* service roles. I chair one meeting a week and I've designed a few t-shirts and event flyers. An important corollary here: I've also been careful to avoid getting too involved. I know that if I let my plate get too full, I'll get pissed, take my ball and go home. So there's a bit of a balancing act here. This part is still very much a work in progress.

6. I changed the changeable things that were hurting me. Over time it became clear to me that some aspects of my life were keeping me miserable. My career and the town that I live in because of it were high on this list. I'll be leaving my job and moving (with my wife and our adoring dog) to a new state soon; in fact I've only got ~3weeks left at work. It's time for me to spend some effort learning how to be OK with who I am, not relying on what I do and who knows about it to make me feel worthwhile. There have been other personal life changes recently, but that's another story.


I'm sure there are other points that belong on this list, but I feel like those are the biggies.

I feel great about staying off dope for 6 months, but I'm the first to admit that I'm still very early in recovery. And it's still *very* hard. But I'm proud of what I've been able to do so far.

Thanks so much to all my BL friends. You've helped me more than you know.

Sim

 

[Stargazer]

Sim, as I also told you-you are a skilled writer and I have a sneaking suspicion you may do it for a living. I love reading your posts--especially the long ones.

Im shitty too. Coming close to getting opiates and not getting them feels bad. That's just where you're at right now.

I call rehab daily to see if a bed is open. Its always "no". Today they said yes--(I was sooo happy!) would you like admissions? I said yes--when admissions answered they told me they had no beds on the female side. I hung up and cried.

Another day of feeling shitty, stressed out and hopeless.

 

[Stargazer]

CONGRATULATIONS SIM!!! You have done it. (We againnposted at the same time)

 

[P0kemama]

Sim: congrats on 6 months clean and sober!! I am so proud of you!!

10Years: Hang in there... the farther away you can get, timewise from your DOC, the better it will get, however, not in a linear fashion... there will be ups and downs... emotionally, physically, mentally . I am prayin' for you!!

 

[herbavore]

I call rehab daily to see if a bed is open. Its always "no". Today they said yes--(I was sooo happy!) would you like admissions? I said yes--when admissions answered they told me they had no beds on the female side. I hung up and cried.

Another day of feeling shitty, stressed out and hopeless.

Oh, 10years, hang on! I am so sorry. It is a crime really that people wanting help cannot get it whether it is due to lack of space, inability to pay or any other impediment. We can lob 59 missiles across the globe but we cannot take care of our fellow human beings.

@Sim: congratulations and keep going!

 

[Stargazer]

Thankyou so much POkemama! You are the best.

Herby-Thankyou. I looked at the photo thread in TDS yesterday and you are soo beautiful! I mean it. Wow! And yes- to answer your question--I would love to be kissed like the photo of the sculpture you posted---and that poem made me cry. Just beautiful.

You are all the best--your support is what keeps me trying.

 

[Sixxam]

Sim, you fucking earned that shit brother! Congratulations!!

I'd give ya a big ol man hug if I were there to congratulate ya. You da man boss!!

10... Hiya honey. I'm so glad you're back. Ink here to is you ever wanna chat. Just not paying much lately.

 

[Stargazer]

Your abscence has been noticed by me Sixx I miss ya and always wonder how you are, where your head is at-and am always sending you the warmest of best wishes. You guys really are what keeps me pushing forward.

If you want to chat, Im here too--though I myself haven't posted a ton due this to being ill alot. I read BL almost everyday.

Sim, thankyou so much for this thread. It helps sooo many. I appreciate and respect you and your honesty. xoxo 10

 

[simco]

I'm so happy to see so many familiar names on this thread in the last day. Thanks, everyone, for being here. Let's keep the energy up. It's so hard not to get burned out and jaded with all this recovery effort and the daily grind. But I for one depend on you all; you keep me energized and inspired, two words I rarely use to describe myself these days . But it's true!

 

[simco]

I'm excited this morning b/c last night I finally had my first psilocybin experience. The evening was eye-opening with respect to recovery, so I thought I'd jot about it here.

From other threads/posts, some of you might remember that I've been interested in integrating psychedelics into my recovery for quite a while now. But my first several attempts with them were abortive because the Zoloft in my system shut the trips down 100%. My doc took me off Zoloft about 2 months ago, but following that it was very hard for me to acquire any mushrooms or LSD, etc. However, I did finally get hooked up and ate the mushies yesterday. And, oh my, they worked this time.

I'm not going to go into a full trip report or anything here. But I thought I'd mention a few interesting outcomes, as they relate to recovery.

First, some details...

This was my first successful trip of any kind. I'm in my mid-40s and had always been afraid of entheogens. Not sure why I was perfectly OK banging hard drugs but drew the line at hallucinogens, but so it was. As I've researched the subject over the last few months I got less afraid and more curious. Nevertheless, I came to the experience with a lot of respect for what was about to happen.

It wasn't a large dose. I weigh about 135 lb, and I ate 3 grams of dried p cubensis after fasting for 10 hours.

Obviously there was too much going on for me to describe much of it here. But one especially interesting (and surprising) thing did happen.

I came into the experience expecting intense introspection. But what happened was almost the inverse of that. During the trip, I was hanging out with my wife and our dog...our little pack of 3. During the peak of the trip what I wanted more than anything else was to hear stories about my wife's childhood and her life before we met. We lay around on the living room floor for a long time and she told me all sorts of odds and ends while the dog lay on me. I just lay back and listened and responded as best I could.

This experience felt healing for me. My addiction cracked so much trust between me and my wife. We've been clawing our way out of that hole, but it's slow going. I realized during the trip how worried I was that ultimately I had broken our marriage. I was worried that I was a narcissistic asshole and nothing else. But as she shared her stories with me, and as I listened with *all* of my heart, I could feel us connecting. I realized that in fact (or at least in the moment) I'm not broken off from the world. I'm not the socially impossible blight that I always assume I am.

For a few hours, I felt so tightly connected to our shared life. Our distant past and our shared future seemed vital and exciting, while the dreary, depressed years of my addiction felt much less defining of my character than I've grown used to feeling. The pale alienation that I associate with feeling compelled to use dope seemed weak and unimportant (not gone; just trivial and small).

Of course lots of other things happened too. I peaked right around dusk. It was a beautiful spring evening with a pleasant breeze. I spent a good bit of time in our back yard, and the visuals and sensory enhancement (oh, lying on the grass!) made me ecstatic.

I'm really looking forward to sorting out the experience over the coming days. But for now I can say that I'm really glad it happened. I'm not sure what the impact of the event will be in the longer run. But I feel confident that it did set in motion some real healing.


Sim

 

[Jabberwocky]

That is so fucking awesome sim! Sounds like getting in touch with the divine (otherwise known as your essential goodness) was exactly what the doctor ordered

 

[jordanwonder]

Agreed. That is awesome, sim. So happy for you guys. It's such a wonderful experience to share, especially when you're in the same place. My heart is smiling for you.

I used to feel that way. That it falls into your lap m right when you need it and it feels like turning a page when you're done.

Very special. So glad it went well for you.

((And yes!!!! On the sights and sounds and love for nature.))