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Binge drinking - lightheadedness

Thanks for the reply TPD

Ah, yes disassociatives.. that's been a while. They have been sorely (?) missed. But as I am getting old (haha I stand to turn a whopping 30 later this summer) and falling out of the loop I no longer have access. Honestly most connections I had never cared much for these sorts of things and never had them at any reasonable prices. And Im not too sure I want to stomach a bunch of dxm-only cough syrup again - haha?

What about the mxe/pcp/pce derivatives? Do you know if they activate similar receptors / have the same usefulness in treating depression as ketamine?
Thanks for the article. I follow MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies - or something of the sort) and I am so elated to see that this sort of research is making a come back. Psychedelics have helped me tremendously over the years and I hope that some day soon they will be able to help the general public.

I am happy to report that I have made it past the first stage for the grant I applied to for my business. I pitch on tuesday.
Unfortunately my studies have taken a backseat to this but say la vie.

I went slightly beyond normal this week with drinking - why? im not sure; habit likely and idle time being the devils playground and such.
But thanks to exercise and proper diet I bounced back ok.
And I am happy to report that as I continue down the path - straying here and there as I may - my outlook on life is improving significantly.
I feel like Im actually happy for the first time in years. Along with this comes other emotions - besides merely anger and frustration - but meditation has taught me that these are ok too. Experience them,understand them and let go, dont hold on.

Last night was particularly sad. I got word that a dear friend committed suicide.
Unfortunately I didnt know her for long (but a few years) and we werent close in the sense that we hung out often (as she recently moved across the country) but we were able to talk openly about difficult experiences. She had helped me through troubled times and I her.
She reached out to me (and others) last week regarding her woes but alas there was nothing anyone could say. *sigh*
She was a truly beautiful person, inside and out, and I will always cherish the times we spent together.
Wherever she may be now, I wish her peace.
 
And now my Dad has had a heart attack.

Just got a call, They completed the angiogram and turns out there are two blocked arteries. One is at 80% and one is at 100%, the one at the front between the rib cage where he was complaining about pain.
They will have to do surgery, either bypasses or open heart (from my understanding). They are discussing it and will let us know when they plan to do the surgery.

Im sure everything will be fine given technology / medical advances these days .. im just tired of having to deal with these sorts of things, seems like its one after the other lately..

Suppose it could be worse.
"Sometimes youre flush and sometimes youre bust. When youre up, its never as good as it seem and when youre down it feels like youll never be up again. But life goes on"
 
So my dad ended up having quadruple bypass surgery. He got discharged the other day and guess who got voted to pick him up and stay with him for the first few days. Though in fairness there arent many who can help - but my brother refuses to help because hes still traumitized about returning home since mom died and is resentful for the years of "abuse" we lived through at the hands of my dad (it was mostly verbal and psychological and in fairness it wasnt as bad for us as my brother lets on - my mom got it worse). Whats weird is that he is nice to a lot of other random people. Yes he has fits of rage for the littliest of things but a lot of people think hes quite a nice fellow

So it kinda goes without staying here has always been stressful due to my dad being so fucking intense - in fact the last time i was here i sent my brother a text "im surprised he hasnt had a heart attack yet" and then he had his heart attack that night after i left. He has mellowed out a bit but he's still the same old guy. Well see what time brings. Despite everything I hope hell mellow out and be a decent grandfather to my daughter.. shit on march break alone he took her to more events than I ever remember him taking us to.

Other than just venting that shit I am having difficulties not using here. Typically Id get drunk when visiting because although my parents were never for drinking they were always against pot. And then id typically pilfer some of moms pain meds to top it all off. Well i ate all she had left after she passed. But yesterday dad got a bunch of pain meds (tramadol) and he wont use them (he told the pharmacist not to include them but they were there when the delivery came) and likely wouldnt notice if i snaked some.

However Im really hoping to use this as a turning point. With my diet, lifestyle choices and my bad habits - namely excessive drinking.

So i havent drank or ate his pills yet (haha its only been a day here but phew it is trying) and i went for a run this morning (fuck its been forever since I made that trek and the hills here killed me - no hills like that at home) and I have been eating well, so that really helps relieve some of the stress associated with all of this.

One moment at a time I suppose.

Thanks for listening :) haha
 
toc, I apologize I haven't responded to your thread in a while. Man, it sounds like you've been going through so much! Despite the hard time you've been through with your father, it sounds like you really love the man. Family can be so important.

I think you are doing fucking awesome finding your way. If you do end up having a drink or slipping a taking some of those pain meds, it isn't the end of the world, but I hope you make sure to find a way to reward yourself - and give yourself the congratulations you deserve - for not having done so and (almost more importantly) clearly caring so much about the process and being aware of how fraught with challenges it is.

I take it you have a number of siblings or other family members to help you look after your dad? How is your relationship with them?
 
Ah dont worry tpd
Just venting here helps. Thanks for taking the time to respond when you do, any response is appreciate.

While it seems like Ive been through a lot lately Im trying to stay positive and learn through it all. The common theme seems something about not taking life for granite for we never know. And living each moment to the fullest.

As far as my dad goes?.. ahh yes i care about him, hes my dad and the past is the past. Im really trying to do the right thing in the instance, these days. Its just so strange seeing him this way - weak and fragile, and almost humble - despite being his same old grumpy ass self.

Im not too worried about slipping if it happens. Though I was able to slide out for a toke..

Last week my daughter was gone and I drank for 3 days - much more than I would have liked to be honest (roughly 36 beer and a couple L of wine). But at the same time I finished my gardens and cleaned up the back yard, and i was out running and or hiking for hours each day (less when I was drinking because Im not one to risk drinking and driving these days nor am i one for a drunk run .. a stoned run? Sure count me in haha).

I suppose what Im getting at, for anyone who stumbles upon this, that we need to realize that the position were in didnt happen over night and ridding ourselves of these habits wont either... Its a war, not a battle... Rome wasnt built in a day.. you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink .. wait i dont think that last one applies, but you get the idea
 
Thanks tpd. I have been very pensieve of late and this attitude thing has just kinda happened. And Im so thankful!

Its been a long time coming. Looking back to the start of this thread I see quite a bit of progress in that regard. And in my goal to quit drinking, though I havent quit -yet. I am happy to report I made it through another day here without drinking. Despite plans to drink I got stoned and thought better of it.

Right now Im attempting to make the switch back to pot. It helped in the past to quit smoking and previous to that other harder drugs. I can deal with a weed habit, so long as its mostly edibles. And the jump from there is easier for me than drinking, especially because Im able to continue my routine, and do, even when stoned. I currently plan for 2 solid oral doses a week and smoke in place of drinking, when I crave. I suggest those wishing to quit whatever would give it some thought. I understand its not for everyone, I even used to experience terrible anxiety from it - both tolerant and not but; I suggest starting very low and knowing the quality of your edibles.

On a similar note, previously you had mentioned nmdar protagonists (sorry thats my idea of a joke haha). What about the mxe/pcp/pce derivatives? Do you know if they activate similar receptors / have the same usefulness in treating depression as ketamine? They might be easier for me to procure..
 
Nice work on getting a little stoned in place of wasted! Harm reduction at work ;)

I believe they do, although you need to be very careful with PCP/PCE compounds as they are very potent (so too is MXE for that matter). Of course, YMMV, but if you are someone who is open to the idea of experimenting with dissociative, they may be worth a try. Remember, they're no panacea or stand in for the hard work we do to develop healthier habits throughout our lifestyle more generally, but dissociative can help boost us through the depression that can plague and hold us back in our efforts at early recovery.

Definitely do your research before trying anything like this, is all I'm saying. But yes, I have found that such compounds, when used responsibly, can be remarkably helpful. When over used they can be really damaging, but that applies for most substances. But going into it with a clear understanding that they are very potent, powerful tools that can be used to aid or hinder will do a lot to help prevent one who doesn't necessarily have a lot of experience as a psychonaut falling into the trap of developing anything akin to delusions of grandeur or some similar illusion/psychosis from over using dissociative.

When used skillfully, they can be a great ally though.
 
so since last posting I have drank at my dads and at home on multiple occasions and I have had enough
Now that school has started for the summer semester there is simply no time to get wasted - mostly because it inhibits my ability to do anything productive which usually leads to more drinking (a case of the fuck its) and then depression.
So i came up with a schedule which includes class, school work, healthful routine (exercise, yoga and meditation), chores (including food prep) and free time (most of which is set aside for psychedelic use - only once a week mind). I know what youre thinking once a week is a little much for psychedelic use and I agree! But I consider higher dose oral cannabis extracts quite psychedelic (others argue due to their mechanism of action they arent "classical" but who cares) in as much as they provide me with insight and an opportunity for reflection.


To help break my cycle of drinking (usually on weekends and when stressed) I planned for weekend use and toking during the week when I would otherwise be inclined towards alcohol. So last week I had an experience with a lower dose of dxm (~500 mg), it was nice. Very calming and centering. My week was good, though I noticed after classes, realizing I was behind I wanted to drink (stress)..but I didnt.

Yesterday my daughter left early and first thought was to drink... ya right its only 530 am and ive got class today .. SO back to bed then to class and afterwards my first thought was if I drink now Ill be fine to study tomorrow - ha, ya right...funny how we play these games with ourselves. So after biking home (im trying to bike instead of drive now that the weathers nice) I had a nice big lunch hoping it would help quell my craving (I notice when I get really hungry Im more inclined to crave/drink), nada. As a subconscious attempt to avoid the cravings I slept on and off for the next 3 hours on the couch while watching movies.

Eventually I realized if Im going to waste my time I might as well use it productively - so I decided to trip. But given the late started I opted for dxm again, figuring it wouldnt impair my sleep. Ha.... So i ate ~700 mg this time. Waited about an hour after I downed the last few pills (+~2 hours since I started slowly eating them- Robogels) than decided to go for a walk..... Oh boy, that was a mistake. Fantastic walk and although theres a conservation area just down the road I recognize a lot of neighbours (and they know I have a daughter - wouldnt look good if I cant stand up right) but thankfully I didnt see anyone on the way in. In there was awesome. Everything is so green and fresh. Very rejuvenating to see.. but as I walked it became progressively more diffficult to maintain balance, especially when I stopped. I liken it to riding a bike - going is fine but trying to balance while stopped was damn near impossible haha (I have lots of experience with both K and dxm and knew this would be so but for some reason I didnt care when I ventured out).

A few hours after my return I was ready for bed but unfortunately I couldnt sleep as I was too stimulated (read high).... And this morning I woke up at the same time, despite my late bedtime. After showering and eating I feel great though and am currently taking a break to do some school work.

Plan is to trip (on something different once a weekend for the next few weeks - no more dxm for a while) just to break my habit of drinking - while continuing with my routine as above.

Will post back sometime.

Much love
TOC
 
Let us know how the coming weeks go. That is an interesting plan, something very much like what helped me get off methadone. What other substances are you planning on using to facilitate this all?
 
Aye, its a plan that has helped me through many situations in the past (previous instances of drug- alcohol, tobacco and a year of various drug (namely coke, k, e)- abuse and social and emotional ruts.
Currently I only have access to limited subbed tryptamines, 2c's and then the classics (with the exception of mescaline).
Although I imagine dmt would be healing Im not sure that Im up to something that intense quite yet (Ive reeled back on the psychedelics when I started drinking.
Setting will determine the substance - next weekend Im inclined towards LSD or 4AcoDMT (maybe mushrooms if buddy will be kind) as Ill be at home and Im thinking something less intense (mentally) for buddys birthday at the beach in a couple weeks (2ce, 2ct7 or 5meomipt or some oil).
In the past Ive noticed that MDA doesnt necessarily bring on cravings but it doesnt help either and I may even be more inclined to drink the next day (though at the time I wasnt toking, im thinking now ill be more inclined to (at the least settle) for a toke).

You say you had a similar plan to get off methadone? What substances aided your recovery?
 
I found DXM and iboga to be very helpful. Towards the end of my taper I used DXM occasionally and after I got through the two week acute detox I used iboga perhaps three or four times over the first six months. I used DXM more frequently than I probably should have throughout the first year. Between the two of those substance I have had zero cravings and no interest in opioids (my drugs of choice). Ketamine and MXE have also been helpful, particularly in terms of depression.

I'm not sure how appropriate DXM would be for you, but I have heard iboga has been helpful in treating alcohol use disorder.
 
I love psychedelic success stories like this. Reminds me of that often quoted Bill Hicks stand up .. "why is it we never hear of a good drug story". How long have you been free of your addiction to opioids?

At this point Im not convinced my issue is physical in nature - Im leaning more towards 8 years of bad habits. Relying on booze to numb my issues rather than deal with them. And now when faced with any issues I simply regress to easier routes of coping, rather than understanding, acting and learning in any positive way. And thus Im not sure how appropriate iboga would be (though it is available on line and I have always been interested and an extraction would be fun too - yay chemistry haha)... But the duration is somewhat unsettling ... from my limited knowledge.

Hence my inclination towards anything mind expanding substances (booze is just mind numbing), weekly for the first month or two. Minding cross tolerances associated with my available options (and their mechanisms of action) I feel like I should be able to make it through this time without any significant tolerances (say if im leaving two weeks between seretonergic drugs - ie pysches - via the use of edibles or disassociates -which we always called discos when I was younger haha). After this period I feel like my bad habits should be broken and new habits strongly rooted and I should be able to cut back on my substance use.

I am happy to report that I am loving my classes. Last night hanging out with a friend we were even discussing school work and he was helping me go over amino acid structures and the like while we were all stoned and playing video games. Something that never would have happened when I was studying accounting (my theory with accounting was procrastinate - cram - regurgitate - forget). And this is really reducing stress/ increasing my positive mindset and thus reducing my desire to escape via a drunk induced stupor.
 
For the first time when i read what your saying it feels like it has some happiness and excitement.

Instead of just talkng about booze it was only a desire and part of your statements. And now school work, walking, socialing, ect are really showing. Great work its not easy changing.
 
Its funny that you mention that... today when i was on my warm up run (before exercising) this lady said good morning, i replied the same and what she said next amazed me- wow you look like such a happy runner. Seems i am not only internalizing a change but it is showing externally as well.
...
I noticed a change when the old lady left last summer ... I felt so much better but i was still stuck on booze. I had relied on it for so long that it was a part of me. And i hated it and hated myself for that.

As time progressed i slowly accepted that aspect of myself but wanted change. That was about the time i started this thread. During this time i just tried to change my drinking, leaving all else the same (diet, exercise, lifestyle, work (/school - my major). This was unsuccessful and that bothered me and it showed in my shitty attitude / outlook / relationships.

After my mom passed it sorta put a lot of shit into perspective. While she didnt drink she smoked - and other than the occasional junk food that was her only vice (and her cancer was unrelated ie not lung). While i still continued to drink i made a lot of other lifestyle changes. Unfortunately i felt unable to trip (as i hadnt accepted her death yet). During this time i slowly made lifestyle changes.

Then my friend took her own life and a week later my dad had a heart attack (he rarely drinks, never smokes and other than constant junk food (ie fast food and chips, etc) he is quite healthy - exercising daily). And this was enough. Although I drank my way through those stressors, out of habit, i kept up with some of my positive changes.

Then i switched gears once i was free of my accounting major. I decided this is it for me - im not going to fuck this up. Life is too short and precious to piss away any longer.

So i decided to do what worked so well for me all those years ago - psychedelic use and an active healthy lifestyle. Accept this time im including mental health woth the addition of yoga abd meditation. While i dont advise drug abuse, occasional drug use is aok for me esp when i use it positively as opposed to an escape.

Well i dont feel like im free of alcohol yet- after stressful events i still lean that direction. But instead ill toke to momentarily get me through and hold off on my treat (some sorta pyschedelic) until the weekend when ive finished my work. But i am more free now than i have been in almost a decade (even when i quit last year for 6 months it was only because i had to, not because i wanted to).

And now im more inclined to commit to my lifestyle changes. My mood is exponetially improved. And my relationships are improving too (friends and family ...) Though itd be nice to have a girlfriend i dont feel like im satisfied with myself and wouldnt expect others to be either - though i dont understand why i expect such.... Not perfection but ya... of myself when im accepting of the faults of others... Perhaps its because im not that accepting of their faults? (I dunno 10 years with someone I couldnt stand after 2 fucked up a lot of my ideas surrounding healthy relationships... and my parents were no example either). And it is that which i need to work on
...
Anyways im rambling
Tl;dr - these changes take work and time. We (I, you, me) cant expect to change over night when these situations took years to create. I have found that patience and understanding go a long way.
...
Until next time
Toc
 
This past +week has been a relatively difficult time for me, during which I have been agitated and grumpy.

It started with my ex coming up for the week, last tuesday. She wanted to stay with me but given her new baby, a lack of space at my place and my need to keep my routine for school (and sanity) I politely declined. I was fine with her staying before the baby (sorta - more for the sake of my daughter, to show her were still amicable) but I dont even want to go visit there now as Im kinda partial to sleeping the whole night through (and such haha).. so she had to stay with some mutual friends.
Her visit presented some challenges and stresses.

And school is getting heavy with readings and projects and quizzes and midterms right around the corner.

And my daughter has been stressed due to her Grade 3 testing this week and has been a miserable, uncooperative little monster.
...
I have been keeping up with my exercise routine but my mindfulness habits are lacking and the difference is quite noticeable.
Its much more difficult for me to "control" my thoughts and emotions.
...
On a positive note though - I havent been wanting to drink, much. Typically Ill get the urge after a tiring day at school, stressful events or if Im particularly hungry
Ill usually just go for a smoke if I need a fix to get me over a particularly difficult hump during the week.
And between my plan for weekend tripping and my constant school work I have been successful in eliminating my cravings over the weekend.
...

Feels good to vent.
Thanks for listening haha

Now back to some school work
 
... so since my ex came to visit my mornings with my daughter have gone to hell. She misses seeing her mom daily, wants us to get back together, etc so she gives me grief about everything.

Thankfully i almost saw this coming last week when i noted her behaviour and my lack of mindfulness and have made ammendments to my routine to include more yoga and meditation in place of some core exercises. Despite these adjustments this week i still find it difficult to control myself when shes screaming and crying at 630 am and the people upstairs (we rent a back split) are still sleeping. Suppose itll just take time before im really seeing the benefits of these activities again.

As far as drinking goes it has been a month without a drink. Despite being out with others who were drinking, twice, who have offered me a drink.. haha yay friends birthdays?

Currently i am working on cutting back on smoking and replacing it with other relaxing activities such as walks, yoga and meditation. However its easy to fall back on it after a hard day vs just relaxing (turning off) via tv .. especially when i consider that i accomplish so much more (chores, exercise, yoga, school work) after smoking then if i simply throw on a movie.

Had a midterm on monday. Didnt do as well as i liked but i didnt really study .. a crap in crap out kinda situation i suppose. But i suppose ill look at it positively, take a 70 and learn from it

Anyways thats about it for now.
Toc
 
Sounds like you're doing really well toc. I can't imagine the responsibility of caring for a young child, screams and all - especially as a single parent. I think it is fair that you find it difficult to control yourself when she's getting intense so early in the morning. I'm sure you'll get more skillful with those kinds of situations with practice ;)
 
Thank you for your kind words tpd. It is difficult when she is so emotional. Being a dude and growing up with my father retarded me emotionally. It is only lately that I have begun to feel for the first time in a long time, and often I have trouble relating when my daughter gets upset (about something that seems so insignificant to me). But Im learning..

d1nach when I refer to smoking I mean pot haha. I have had a cigarette in over 3 years now. I had difficulty quitting so I figured now that Im free there is no going back - as will be the case with alcohol. I feel that both substances offer little rewards with high risks, so why bother taking a risk returning to something that was so difficult for me to shake in the first place.... But I have considered less harmful means to consuming my pot :p - just waiting on a new top piece for my vape (for these mid week sessions) and typically Ill use a decarboxylated extract on weekends.
 
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