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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Jamiebrookexo- Thats a lot of H. If you are doing that much then you must have easy access to more. Your best bet would be to start tapering down. I know it sounds impossible, but any kind of opiate replacement therapy has its own mess of side effects. For you to transition onto something like methadone or suboxone at the amount you would need to not be really sick would mean feeling really crappy for several weeks while your head gets used to life without heroin.
My guess, since youre asking on BlueLight, is that an inpatient rehab is not what you want. Your best bet would be an outpatient rehab where you can work with a professional, be honest about your usage, and taper down on H until you are sustaining at a more readonable dose where you could then transition to something like subs.
You need real help though. More than what you may find in an internet forum. Somewhere you can tell the truth about your habits and ask for help. It took a long time to get where you are. It will take a long time to get back. Dont be afraid to be honest and fuck anybody who judges you. You dont have to turn in your dealer to get help, and you shouldnt have to go cold turkey for 5 days before getting treatment.
Family Dr maybe? Just to get started in the right direction. Dunno where you are but in the USA there are laws that prevent a Dr from telling ANYONE anything about your medical situation. You shouldnt be scared that someone will find out. You can always use the flu to dismiss any illness you experience while getting off the drugs.
Theres hope, but it wont be easy. You will have to measure your H every day and follow a written plan for a really long time or it probably wont work.
 
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Squeaky said:
Does anybody know what the MME is for a brick of H?
Click to expand...

Ummmm...NOooooooooo!!
I don't even know how you could use a brick of heroin a day. Holy God!

This might be a troll that has been following me around. I don't know if we should take this or the other new guy seriously.
If I am wrong I apologize but I sense it.
 
I had bad weed for like a week, it sucked. I have great weed now, and less money.

That is definitely helping to keep me stable and in the moment too. I think that property of being in the moment on some weeds can slow time down and probably helps explain why it distracts me from physical and psychic pain. It can make me very aware of it too though. Finicky drug. I ended up with a really nice strain today. It is heavy hitting og kush crossed with a really nice indica kush to tone it down a bit, make it more relaxing but keep the potency strong. That's the vibe I'm getting. Nice pot.

I just don't really know what I am going to do. I have to start trying harder. I don't know what happened to my life but I'm sad that I am not where I should be if I hadn't hurt my fucking spine.
 
Glad you got some good weed that helps you to feel better ShroomySatori.
Less money is always better also! Thumbs up!

I have not smoked any weed for months except for the couple hits I had before and after the dentist. I have only been using it for severe nausea when needed, I find that it causes me more anxiety. The "burned out" feeling is what I like the most about it. Lol!
That helps me to sleep better. There is no way I could smoke it all day though. i would be a zombie.

I'm finding I feel better without it. Everyone is different though. If it helps you, I don't have a problem with it.

Keeping stable and staying in the moment are very important and that is where we need to concentrate our efforts I feel.

It does make you feel sad to have gotten a spine injury and chronic pain and to have your life completely turned in a direction that you had not expected and worse- a situation where you have no idea how to deal with things now. I struggle with that all the time. I find myself starting to "spin out" in my mind thinking that I have got to do more and push myself but I have to sit myself down and take deep breaths and remember that I am doing all that I can and that it is alright.

This is a tough thing to try and live with. It is not impossible though. We have to count our blessings. Imagine if you all of a sudden found yourself paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of your life. Think of how utterly hopeless that would feel. We can still do things for ourselves and I don't take for granted all the little things I still can do.

Try to laugh a lot. It helps me. Get the good feeling chemicals cracking!
 
Hello my friends

Stopping in to say hello and ask how you're all doing?

PO, Squeaky, DJ, Uncle J, Shroomy and anyone else on this thread. I would love to hear how you're doing.

I hope you are all doing well and that the holiday season isn't too stressful for any of you.

I am here for all of you if you ever need anything.

Love you all,
your friend in chronic pain,
Ash.
 
Oh Shroomy! I'm so sorry to hear that.
Absolutely sucks that we have to deal with this life changing situation along with being persecuted by our own family!

What is wrong with them?
I don't know Shroomy but I'm glad that I am not like them. We can be proud of that.

Don't let them get you down. Smoke up, relax, let all the tension go out of your body and get some sleep.
Do not dwell on their stupidity. They just do not understand.

Hi Ash! So happy to hear from you dear friend. I'm hanging in there. Doing well..considering.
I'm really trying to not let the Holidays stress me out. It is just another day.
I am just going to concentrate on the peace, love, and good will to others. True meaning. Gratitude.

Staying away from family members except for a brief appearance on Christmas Eve is all I am doing.
I'm just going to play with the kids. Lol! They love me!

Hang in there everybody!
 
Thank you. I deleted my message it is pretty much the usual family stuff. I'd say as bad as when they walked out on me on my birthday (and more bs before that).

We don't live up to their standards painful one. I guess that's what it is. We look good so they think we're healthy but we're not. This disability will haunt me for the rest of my days. The back pain feeling it for so long it has been building up and I'm starting to crack.

I agree I will smoke some more haha well I already had two bong tokes but grabbed fire today, anyways , I've slept so much lately I might read a book or just lay down. That family stuff is exhausting I mean I get that they don't understand but wtf! I don't need to be insulted or feel awkward and out of place.

Hello Ash, I am okay thanks for asking, my back hurts and there was just some family troubles. I'm really unhappy with my life at the moment but not with myself if that makes sense. Like my friend said to me, one of the smartest dudes I know for sure, I am more responsible than him. It was a joke of course because he is doing very well could be a colleague if I could work but yeah I'm always looking out for him and stuff so I suppose it is true in a way. I don't feel like I'm doing anything all that irresponsible anymore. I wish to be normal have a normal life and I fear it's too late for that. Makes me nervous I want to be happy like before I hurt my back.
 
Yup. You got it Shroomy.
We look good and we can sometimes function pretty normally in their eyes sometimes. They don't understand what a struggle that is for us to do and that we have very few good days and more bad days. We are doing all we can to improve the number of good days and to keep a balance. We just have to do what is best for us and not worry what anyone else thinks.

My mom understands at least now because we live together and she sees the pain I get in.

We are the ones living with this and trying our best to cope. Your family doesn't even realize you are a year clean from the H problem.
That is a huge accomplishment that they would actually be proud of but they would not understand why you turned to the h in the first place and so it would most likely be more judgement. We know how great you have done though so good job!

Forget "expectations " is what I say. Be glad of what I can/do accomplish. The circumstances make lower expectations for ourselves.
We have some disability.

I hate the feeling awkward and out of place. We shouldn't have to feel so self conscious we freak out within our own family.
It is their problem. There is nothing wrong with us that we should be made to feel that way. Try not to let them get you down.

Just concentrate on your day. Think about what you want to eat and cooking your meal and taking care of yourself and making your environment comfortable for you.

I think I'm going to have a movie/ smoke down/ sleep day. Lol! I need sleep. I keep waking up in the night.

Peace
 
I can see the clarity in your words, but it's hard for me to see through the darkness right now. Just having a bad day. I wonder if not having valium in my system has anything to do with it. I had to stop taking that for a while (like a month) and I'm really used to it, so I took 5 of them and will take another 5 later to get the long acting metabolites back in my body. It's temporary stability while I have the drug.

I'm hanging in there. So much stress I honestly feel like one day I am going to stand up start yelling at my family at dinner have a total hysteric mental breakdown and end up in benzo withdrawal in the psych ward. I spent all the morning crying. It's beginning to dawn on me that heroin isn't going to be in my future ever again and that makes me nervous. I can only take so much of this. What if I wasn't disabled? It makes me want to scream and cry what I could do differently. These crying spells lately, realizing how deep into drugs I got, have been uncomfortable. I'm really sad that I got caught up in drugs other than weed when my life could have been amazing and it was at one time.

I don't mean to sound bad, I'm not. Sometimes the pain of being disabled chronically is too much for me.
 
You don't sound bad at all my friend.

I feel exactly the same way. We will never be what we were before due to chronic pain. But we can all be here for each other, helping one another find a new way forward in this short life.

I'm sad for you that you're struggling, but you have a lot going for you and you're so intelligent, I really feel like you will get past all these struggles and one day just look back on all of this as a hard time you once had.

Really try to be kind and patient with yourself. We all love you here and just want you to be happy, and I mean that.

I wish the very best for you and I'm here if you ever need me,

Much love to you my buddy in chronic pain.


Your friend always,
big hugs,
Ash.


ShroomySatori said:
I don't mean to sound bad, I'm not. Sometimes the pain of being disabled chronically is too much for me.
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Yes PO!! You have the right attitude!!! We just have to do what's best for us. To hell with those that don't get it.


It's hard enough living each day in pain, and dealing with all the obstacles that throws in our way, but we certainly don't need to deal with judgement on top of it all.

Thanks for your wise words, as you always speak the truth. You are the very best Painful One and I love you!!!

I hope you have a wonderful day my dear friend!!

your friend,
Ash.



Painful One said:
We look good and we can sometimes function pretty normally in their eyes sometimes. They don't understand what a struggle that is for us to do and that we have very few good days and more bad days. We are doing all we can to improve the number of good days and to keep a balance. We just have to do what is best for us and not worry what anyone else thinks.

/QUOTE]
Click to expand...
 
Thank you. I appreciate it trust me. It is not just the pain as you know, but the way that it affects all aspects of our lives. I can handle the experience of physical pain (my own, to an extent, or I'd still be on opiates), but being functional in this world is another matter. I've been exposed to people with structured and stable lives recently - the kind of life I used to have, painful one too, you too I am sure, in their own ways - and I know it will never be possible to be like that again for me. I didn't have to think about it back then, life was fluent.

Depression because a serious problem and yeah I could use a hug every now and then I am still in tears today. It was this family shit and my brother is so secretive. I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me anymore but I sense I am beginning to scare the shit out of him. I'm not sure. I know he wouldn't say anything at least for a long time. He is trying to be supportive but is realizing now that I can't even face him anymore in great shame. It's a terrible situation we used to talk every day and haven't since before the summertime, just here and there real conversations but I haven't been there. I feel bad. I feel even worse when I think about what could happen to me and has happen to many other who did far less stupid things.

It's just a lot to think about a lot on my mind and then the experience of love was so foreign to me. This doesn't have to do with that I believe I could handle her, t I am leaving it up to the stars though now and just seeing if she gets back to me ever because I have to be stable and that at least means finding some way to work. I mean in the meantime we could date but that is up to the stars, not me anymore. Apparently they are hiring at places around here I could apply to and that would help it would give me money I could use to taper myself off benzos like actually properly with valium. There is always hope that I see, but I see a ton of danger as well. Something could go wrong one day and if I run out of those it is a medical emergency.
 
EPL1 said:
Oh yeah PO, I literally don't step foot in my dentists's office without 4mg of Ativan on board. ; )

It's not the pain I worry about either, after all my fusion surgeries I could literally give zero fuck's about dental pain. It's just the anxiety of GOING there, all that it entails to get myself ready and psyched to make it happen. Then I worry about the feeling of being trapped in the chair for x amount of hours. Yeah, not my fave either. ;

Glad you got it it done though, you're a badass PO.

And DJ, I hear ya about the dentist. And EVERY TIME you type about the sorry state of health care where you live I literally feel sick inside for you. Having pain that you have to live with every day is bad enough, we sure don't need any hassle getting our medication or stigma when we go to get it filled.

Love all you guys.

Ash.
Click to expand...
What's fucked up is its only getting worse. People around here having irreversible damage from botched surgeries at best. At worst, permanent disability or death. And the further down the triage tree you go the less they care to help you. It IS sickening. I know people who would sooner sit home and die quietly than let a doctor around here touch them. That's not an exaggeration.

Our dentist is another story. Incentivized by money as it's a private practice (and the only one around at that). They buy the cheapest equipment and materials and send people home with infected teeth, ruined fillings, etc etc. My last root canal got fucked up and now the tooth is gonna have to come out some day soon. And the fuckin guy got the gall to charge 450 dollars for it and send bills in the mail. U ain't gettin my money fuckface! I should sue come to think of it LOL.

Rant end.
 
Squeaky said:
Jamiebrookexo- Thats a lot of H. If you are doing that much then you must have easy access to more. Your best bet would be to start tapering down. I know it sounds impossible, but any kind of opiate replacement therapy has its own mess of side effects. For you to transition onto something like methadone or suboxone at the amount you would need to not be really sick would mean feeling really crappy for several weeks while your head gets used to life without heroin.
My guess, since youre asking on BlueLight, is that an inpatient rehab is not what you want. Your best bet would be an outpatient rehab where you can work with a professional, be honest about your usage, and taper down on H until you are sustaining at a more readonable dose where you could then transition to something like subs.
You need real help though. More than what you may find in an internet forum. Somewhere you can tell the truth about your habits and ask for help. It took a long time to get where you are. It will take a long time to get back. Dont be afraid to be honest and fuck anybody who judges you. You dont have to turn in your dealer to get help, and you shouldnt have to go cold turkey for 5 days before getting treatment.
Family Dr maybe? Just to get started in the right direction. Dunno where you are but in the USA there are laws that prevent a Dr from telling ANYONE anything about your medical situation. You shouldnt be scared that someone will find out. You can always use the flu to dismiss any illness you experience while getting off the drugs.
Theres hope, but it wont be easy. You will have to measure your H every day and follow a written plan for a really long time or it probably wont work.
Click to expand...
Honestly I don't even think it would be safe to try and detox from that much heroin at home. I mean that's a fucking LOT of heroin. Jamiebrook, if you are really doing a brick of that shit a day then you need to cut back and fast. I'm only saying this from a safety standpoint because it only takes one tainted bag with fentanyl or some other bullshit to kill you. And it's incredibly common to get tainted gear nowadays. You may not want rehab or whatever I don't know but at such high doses I would see a doctor because I've been around the stuff and around addicts for a long long time. I've never seen anyone use a brick a day.
 
Don't overthink it man. :) I find that it's some people in general that don't make sense to me, men and women... plenty of women out there make sense. :)
 
I overthink everything man, but I'm learning to work around that. To control it and ignore it.

Plenty of men don't make sense either, I have realized that there are a lot of manipulative jerks out there to everyone that way. I see them pretend to be gentlemen and I doubt they can even fuck them right but I don't have to be frustrated. That is not me. Sure I can hustle for drugs but not like that to a girl. I like it this way, makes it special but part of it is feeling a special kind of sadness too. Bittersweet. I just like to be myself which is definitely cute wait until a cutie girl with the magnetism feels like I know her already comes along and who can deal with my bs and has a high sex drive. haha. I am making light of this because what is wrong with having another date? The feelings have been overwhelming, I can tell for her too like we had to stop talking for a bit. It's not bad, but so complicated I don't think the equation can be solved. What worked this week was leaving it up to the stars and doing nothing. I shouldn't ignore her for too long we know what our next (casual) date will be, like not ignore just mellow out cause we got stressed. The sooner I calm her the better, really. lol. We really got caught up in each other for a while. I don't trust myself talking to her at the moment. Making fun of myself. Anyways you can tell I like sort of like her right. lol. Sorry I have to vent.

Painful One I have finally truly realized that I am very attractive. (I also realized I kind of have a thing for hot french girls with sexy accents and there are plenty around... already have my eyes set on one aha I'm so clueless) Of course I knew this but I had to have some experiences and now I am certain. The girls I'm attracted to are totally the ones who are attracted to me too, I am intuitive like that and I am getting smarter at this. Maybe my anxiety will go down because I know that's a big part of it not having a sex life for so long. How are you doing with your pain anyway I am a bad listener I guess. You don't have to be too graphic lol I would have nightmares about wolves if I wasn't going to bed too stoned to remember them but yeah be careful to take those meds that way every time. Then your tolerance will go up and it will suck. Take care of yourself I'm going to try and like, clean and stuff today and change my clothing haha make myself look good I need a haircut too. Make yourself look extra sexy today ha ha you will never lose that part of yourself that likes to do that. I have been lately a bit but if you are like me and I think you are then even when we are strung out we somehow look good. I mean, I get really skin and bones but still.

I weigh 160 lbs right now that isn't good for me, I'm 185 when I'm healthy but what do I expect eating one meal a day a lot of the time. Fluctuates between those numbers so much and a little lower, for my height that is skinny. It ties in with the chronic pain, everything does.

Ash, I hope that your pain is well managed today and your weekend is fun. I am trying to eat three meals today. So far, two servings of oats and it is not yet 8am. I find plain oats hard to stomach but have them that way like black coffee or better yet espresso. I've been awake since like 3 though, smoking weed and thinking about life. You'd think I'd be applying for jobs or doing something constructive but today I mean there are only so many days I can do this but I need to take care of my health.

Squeaky n the dudes who have trouble with self control remember for every extra pill taken there is one less for later so maybe keep track. I am trying that, xanax is a hard to control drug but really good for my anxiety with a little valium to smooth it out. It is tough when there are disabilities too like wtf I have chronic pain without them all the time like what do I do I''m just nowhere near as active. I guess just forcing myself to, like eating 3 meals today. I don't like getting too too skinny but actually if you are, then it is apparently better for a lot of chronic pain conditions to be thin.

Happy holidays yeah painful one you are right down below, I feel protected at this time of year from what you last mentioned.
 
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Thank you Ash!

I appreciate your love and encouragement for me so much!
It helps to talk with you guys about this because you all really do understand.
This is so hard too! I'm a strong person and usually can figure out anything but this problem here is so difficult.

We gotta just take it day by day. I think we are doing alright considering what we are all dealing with.
We are still alive and fighting and trying to enjoy life as much as is possible.
It has helped me to just accept that this is a new lifestyle. I have much limitations and I just have to work within those limitations.

I'm going easier on myself. Not worrying about things so much. I can only do what I can do and I'm doing the best I can so I don't see that there is anything to do but to just keep on living and helping others to the best of my ability.

I can still love others! Even if it is from afar.

I hope you have a great day too my dear friend. I love you very much and I think you are amazing.
I'm here for you anytime. You know that.

Merry Christmas sister. I know you and I are both Christians so we can take comfort in The Lord and Savior and I pray that he covers us with supernatural peace during these hard times.
❤️
 
ShroomySatori- thank you for the reminder on my medication. I just had a look at where I am medication wise and I have to really cut it down or I'm going to be one hurting, freaking woman and on Christmas too! I get my refill the day after the day after Christmas.
That stresses me that I am low on my supply but I can make it work if I am smart and I have to do that!

It has been so nice these last few weeks having my pain level actually controlled! I went off the rails a bit. I'm glad you reminded me.
I get the same as you, forget to eat and stuff. It is so dumb! Like, I all of a sudden wonder why I feel like I'm about to pass out and then I remember, Oh yeah, I need to eat! Lol! I need to write myself notes.

I had a good routine going and I was in the habit of it and was taking good care of myself but then my mom has gotten a lot sicker and needs a lot more help and I have been doing a lot more housework and helping her and I got off my schedule.

That is the thing that is a major problem for me with relationships. I need my time to take care of myself. It takes me half the day to just get bathed and dressed. I tried to have a relationship with a guy I met online and have been talking to for the last year but he became so demanding on my time. Obsessed with what I am doing during the 15 hours a day that I'm not talking to him. It didn't work for me. At least not with that guy. He wasn't what I expected when I met him in person either and I feel like he was trying to take advantage of me. Like, I couldn't get him to leave once he was here. I can't take care of another person! He was way too needy and clingy. I think I'm just going to have to hang alone. I always have had the problem with guys becoming too controlling with me.
I could not stand that when I had no chronic pain etc. I definately cannot stand that now that I require so much self care.

I'm good with hanging alone. It is less stressful and I have to cut out stress anyway possible.

I know how you feel about even the idea of working also Shroom. I know I would just end up embarrassing myself in public.
Hell, I couldn't even make it to a job interview. It is very discouraging.
 
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