I'm so upset with myself. Getting off opiates for me was getting through the sickness and learning how to manage my chronic pain with hot yoga. In a nutshell. There was excruciating pain like burning on the stake I would describe it, full body, but it was so bad that I can't even ever consider going back to that. I do not get cravings. I get resent.
It's just the fact that I have a HUGE problem with weed right now and I know benzos too clearly. That is a taper drop to a medicinal dose. There is no medicinal dose for me for weed because it is way too good feeling and euphoric. I smoke it compulsively until it is gone. If I have 14 grams it will be gone in 3 days. If I have 3 grams it will be gone in 3 days if I'm lucky, or I'll be making another drug run the next day. I cannot believe I am in this situation again I quit for 3 years and one puff off a little pipe and I've never put it down. I was doing fine, that was when the dispensaries opened and there was one around the corner and here I am. Caught the fuck up in grass. I hate the shit too. I despise it and it's so easy to quit but that's what makes it hard and because the feeling, I love it. I love the feeling of a hit like that. I hate to say it but the general experience of it reminds me of how I use coke. In a greedy way.
I am so done with this shit but I'm not. Last time, identifying the problem was the first step and it took a year before I made it anything past a week without chron. It is far more about getting through the physical withdrawals, I see nothing psychologically here except increased anger and anxiety for a while, whatever. I need to be able to get through a week while accepting that I will not be sleeping or eating very much at all and it's the last thing I need right now, but otherwise there goes more $$$ and wasted time. I can be highly functional on pot but it is the fiending aspect. I cannot stop fiending it once I hit it once and I don't even get higher. It's not for me. I literally need a grow op to support that habit and I can't be doing that it's a waste of time when I benefit nothing.
I am furious at myself for this. I really hope I can get well soon, even if I feel better in 2 weeks I'd be really grateful. Last time it was 6 months but I got this. It's a miserable fuckin thing to quit. But at the end of the day it is like opiates to me. I do not need it for anything whatsoever and it has only damaged my life and a lot of people would be very surprised at how much damage has been done... long term damage too. I should be celebrating nearly 4 months clean but I can't consider myself clean while using cannabis this way, and it's the only way I know how to use it. Abuse the fuck out of it until I get stupid. I can't stop doing that so there goes another habit that does me nothing but extreme harm. How am I supposed to function when I freak out if I don't smoke the stuff for a fucking hour or two
I've quit a lot of times usually the discomfort is moderate. At times it can be what I would call extreme. Shit fucked me up more than any drug I've ever used except perhaps Mdma or Lsd. Just being real with myself here. I don't react well to drugs at all, I like who I am sober and the only one I actually need right now is a good benzo. I don't really want a pothead girlfriend either, it's just irritating when one person smokes and the other doesn't. This caused a lot of problems in my one long term relationship, she hated weed and I did too but I couldn't quit. A lot of people don't like it at all. I don't even think I like it and I smoke it all day and I still have about a gram so I'm sure there will come a time sooner than later when I will go on another drug run. I honestly fucking compare the addiction to some of the feelings I have experienced on cocaine, but I was never addicted to coke since I dislike stimulants. Certainly did enough of the stuff but it's not my thing.
I really really really need to stop this shit before it's too late. I can't function as a cannabis addict. I have tried to make it work for 15 fucking years and it just does not work. At least on opiates, if I had them, I was a responsible man. I'd take my pills and get to work. I wake up burnt out as a stoner, lay in bed for an hour or more after smoking a bong toke, can't manage my time efficiently at all and I used to be a fucking manager for work, and every time I leave to do anything I have to get stoned to the max to feel comfortable leaving the house. It's just insane and I know all this bullshit but the panic disorder goes away quick. My first panic attacks I ever had were ALL on weed after bong rips how can I justify this sheer abuse! I don't care what the general consensus is this fucking garbage I can't get away from it. I don't even have opiates on my mind at all anymore it's over.
I will feel just as accomplished if I manage to beat this one too and it is equally as important, just in a very different way. If I can't function, I can't function. I'm not going to get anywhere in life. I stopped weed for 3 years, and this was pretty recent I was already a junkie. I have been through it so much I know exactly where I'm at right now and how much better things will be. I'll get used to it, and stop noticing, but things will be so much better. My health, my back pain, my finances, my personal relationships my mental health issues and above all my career and self confidence drastically improve. I know this because I have already quit for a long time. It's not like, let's quit weed and see what happens. I've been at this for 15 years. I've probably saturated my body with THC but I am actually really curious how hard this is going to be for me. It might turn out to be easy, but it never has before. It has always been my own personal hell. You can't really talk about it to people because most hardcore stoners I know are in denial and do not acknowledge that this is a possibility. The medical community is seeing this shit more and more though.