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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Larimar- Never gone blind, but I have been in that place where you break down and take the pills. I presume you?re taking instant release oxy like me. Here?s my solution to that problem:
First you have to go to bed early. Tell people you think you?re getting the flu if necessary.
Whatever your maintenance dose is, cut that in half. When you?re about to explode at 2 am from the withdrawls, take that half dose and chew it with about 250 mg Tylenol (APAP). If youre taking Percocet then just chew the Percocet with no Tylenol. It tastes like dog shit rolled in chemicals but you need to chew it up so that it will absorb fast. Lie in bed or on the couch and commit yourself to one hour before you take more. If you can?t fall asleep after that then take 1 fourth of your maintenance dose with 250 Tylenol. Again chew and wait 60 minutes.
If you have extended release tablets, you will have to chew them into small pieces and let them dissolve while chewing and picking the pieces from your teeth. Its nasty and takes about 30 minutes longer. Your saliva will defeat the timed release polymer they use.
Remember the point is to lessen your withdrawls, not to make yourself feel good.
And don?t beat yourself up too much. Wds are worst around day 3 or 4. And insomnia will drive ANYBODY to go insane.
 
I actually take the 40 mg ER . Thanks for the tip , I use a razor blade to cut into slivers . Yeah the nights always get me but Im back on track . Not sure what my eye problem was, im hoping it was just jumping out of bed to fast.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend . Im kinda sad I start back on 3rd shift tomorrow night . I have been on 1st shift for a year so its gonna be hard transition .
 
Been real sad today. Now I'm stoned and mellowed out, I had a sativa which is like nice but not right now I want to burn out and not think for a bit. I've been cutting back on the herb too much lost my appetite. With everything going on I am experiencing a lot of memories of my ex girlfriend. Not my summer fling but the girl I was with for 5 years. We drifted apart as I got deeper into H, for pretty obvious reasons.

This girl, it's so hard to think about it. Inseparable. For all that time really it was just us and our jobs. Lived together in a real small apartment that was nice though, and in a country home for a while too, and in a downtown apartment, and in a 4-plex, and at first we met it was a crazy time of my life and fell in love in a lovely wilderness area with a cabin. Hadn't hurt my back yet. All that dope money would have paid for an entire wedding. It is weird though we have found ourselves talking like formally though not as friends but with positivity lately.

All the memories it's hard when you're so caught up in dope that I was sad at the time but not off opiates with a clear mind. I completely fucked that up. It's what it took I guess. She was really great. We travelled so much, and in style. She's why I'm so into fashion, and it was like I'd come up with an idea like hey how bout Bermuda or something and she'd make it happen. We were a good team. It's so hard to think about I have been crying for I don't know how many hours but I have dark red circles under my eyes. It is hard to live with this and it was special. We went way back to when we were kids but were just around each other until our early 20's and we were crazy about each other. We could afford to travel a lot at the time and it was just amazing. The happiest time of my life, I didn't feel alone because she was always around. She cared so much. So protective against other girls. We didn't really know how addicted I was and she had been through my back problems for a couple years. Took a while for me to fall apart.

I wrote many pages in my journal all about her; her little idiosyncrasies were really cute. It's feels so tragic. I was thinking about how we were exploring caves, and the lovely beaches we went to, and how we would go to log cabins with gourmet food and nice rooms, and music festivals, hiking into the frigid log cabin and making fires and taking a couple hours to be able to get out from under the sheets and have the loveliest just-the-two-of-us dinner and like just us that was all it had to be and deep in the forest away from everyone, getting in by the frozen lake. We did everything together. Always up for adventures and sharing ideas. A summer fling is okay to get over but this is almost a lifelong journey with someone. She was always around. Took a while to find each other and it was very strange. Guess I just had to be sad for a day. I know she was waiting for me to get it together and I had to fall further. There is no real getting over her, if we weren't meant to be I'll have to cope. We had our moments but there was so much love between us.

I think I've been depressed ever since.
 
Is she with someone else now? Now that you are clean maybe you guys can try again . I have been with my husband since I was 17. In the beginning we broke up a few times and we both were with other people at times but we always found our way back together . Sometimes it takes some time apart , struggles, growth to make it work . I have not drank in a while so I picked up a bottle of captain and I am going to introduce my daughters to some classic 80s movies , 16candles, pretty in pink and heathers lol.
 
I don't think that she is right now. It has been a long time, around 18 months. I'd love to see her again, your history is a little promising to me. My opiate use changed everything so maybe her and I could try again. It was that, essentially my entire life fell apart and I'm glad she wasn't around to see me last year. Would have hurt her to see my like that, and even like this. I should just try talking to her and see what happens, because I really was a lot happier back when I was with her. I owe her a million lillies and my fave red roses.

Way she goes; sometimes she goes sometimes she doesn't. Generally speaking. We were madly in love though and it's not unthinkable that we would somehow find our way back to each other. I have a lot of personal work to do but that doesn't mean I can't talk to her. I wonder what it would be like to see her in person... it would be crazy. Well I wrote pages and pages of a letter to her this afternoon in script in my journal. Just in case anything happens so she knows that I love her. She said she would always love me I was just like, going to die from doin those drugs and stuff and it was becoming more noticeable. It wasn't noticeable for a long time I was happier more energetic and pain free.

I never thought of the possibility of seeing her again until recently, but there has been a buildup where I've been in contact with her a little bit over tying up loose ends. It's tragic though. We've been through so much together and nobody could ever understand me that way. I am also much more mature she'd quickly notice that.

I am still really sad about her. I've been so caught up in drugs I haven't had time to really think about if this is right, or if I was really way too high for a while and messed every part of my life up. I'd like to watch a movie, might fall asleep to one since i haven't slept in a couple days apart from a few hours. Exhausted and it's around an early dinner time. I'll be up all night later. Hopefully I'm not so sad, maybe in my dreams I will heal.
 
I wish you to have love back in your life Shroomy.
It will happen. Just keep working on yourself and you will attract a special girl/ woman.
It could work out again with your old girlfriend. Not impossible.

I wish for us all to have love in our lives. That is what we need. Unconditional love.

Happy St. Patrick's Day guys! Now this is a holiday I like. All you are expected to do is wear green and party. :)
 
Thanks for that wish. There are no guarantees. It's not impossible because of the reasons it became unhealthy. I haven't tried. Wonder what my brother was up to yesterday other than getting crazy drunk at a kegger I'm sure.

I don't have that but I did with her for a long time. Hope you had more fun than I. we used to host fun pancake keggers. Start drinking at 6am until who knows how long. I remember the final year St Patricks day. Drinking games on the lawn in the morning for hours and then apparently I did a lot of M which doesn't surprise me, and blacked out until I was at a club.

Yesterday I woke up irritated, wore black and grey, cooked one healthy pasta, bought a little weed, smoked it and passed out at 6pm. That was pretty much my day. Woke up at 2am and I have been awake ever since. I've been going through all my memories the vacations her and I took together that were amazing every time. Really not the vacation so much as the time I spent with her that I enjoyed so much. I remember being at this rum distillery with her in Nassau and they were pouring us real still mojitos. Or when we snuck away on the island with the bar, the sharks by the shore and the fresh conch and beer. Or when... haha. Overall the best experience of my life. She has initiative unlike me, I am the creative, but she is toned down and chill enough to deal with my bs and also hedonism and laziness. Was cute.
 
I?m down to 30 mg/day oxy . That?s from 360 mg about 6 weeks ago. Another two weeks and I hope to be strong enough to jump off completely. My pm doc appt is in a week, so we?ll see how strong I am. I always treat myself to a little extra pain relief on that day and then wind up in the same spot each month, counting pills and trying not to run out.
 
I have been having nightmares.
Been getting so tired so early and sleeping soundly until about 4:00 and then I wake up having nightmares.

The nightmares are like just dreams of me attempting to be a normal person but then I get sick with my chronic pain problems in front of my friends and it is embarrassing. More like past memories that I keep living over and over.
 
That's amazing squeaky woah I didn't realize you took such little oxy, you could get by on my old script and have some to spare. I have been having terrible back pain lately, I forget if this is 9 or 10 weeks I think 9. It doesn't really matter anymore I want to know when it has been 3 months though.

That sounds creepy about the dreams. It sucks knowing that friends/family/past coworkers talk about my back pain when I'm not around. Doesn't sound like a nice dream to wake up from.

I am so depressed lately. I am not medicating as much with weed and it is having a variety of effects. I've lost a lot of weight, had a few bad sleeps, increased back pain, and it is really only as I cannot afford it presently and need to keep an eye on this benzo thing. Wish I had more weed but count my blessings right.

There is a double yoga class today, a hatha flow followed by a yin. I am nervous. I haven't done a double class and I haven't done a flow in over a week. I've been doing yin 3 times a week while I've been in this fragile state, so keeping up with my membership, but the flows can be really intensive. My horoscope motivated me to go. Actually not my personal one, but the general description. My personal one mentioned it would be a day of solitude and rest, which it has been. I've been cleaning, cooking, and reading. I smoked at noon 6 hours after I woke up and managed to eat breakfast without it, 2 servings of oats. And I smoked I think at 4am when I couldn't sleep, it is hard for me because I am not happy without it and I have a lot of social anxiety without it too.

I really need to hit up this double class for my health though. It's part of the 'home and self care' part. I know I can do it. Everything is so challenging these days. I get extremely anxious about going to a double class because it means I'll be away for probably 4 hours. But I'll take my benzo a couple hours early and smoke a bowl a couple hours early and a few of them at that, and hopefully have a really relaxing night that isn't too much for me. Yoga is like, almost like chiro or something for me a spinal adjustment. Being more flexible in general helps the pain but I have had some horrible days lately smoking less weed.

I am still working on getting that job. I really need to decide what I want to do. and I seriously need to get going putting hours of effort in each day.

Everything is reminding me of my past girlfriend now it kind of sucks. The oddest things remind me of her. It is so weird that I am thinking of her now after such a long time but like she said maybe we just need a break. I was very sick, still am but not nearly as bad. I am finally waking up to what happened and it isn't fun. Hurts. Well I definitely think I should go to yoga despite the depression, anxiety and fear of leaving the place. I'll feel better with a benzo and a toke in me. I have one sativa strain that doesn't stimulate my appetite at all and gets me really high, and an indica that almost puts me to sleep and makes me really hungry. I smoke a hit of both, it's great. The sativa alone definitely isn't enough for why I smoke.

Anyways I like that I'm going to yoga because it forced me to shower, eat, properly dress myself prepare a bag, just do things like somebody would do before going to work. That is part of the benefits just sticking with something, takes discipline.
 
I finally stopped thinking about my ex in the last few days so I know what its like to have someone on your mind all the time. I too, once I take a benzo and a toke, am good to go for a bit until my next dose. Sucks having to watch the clock to take a dose to be somewhat normal.
 
Sounds like a good plan Shroomy.
Good luck at your double class.

Good job Squeaky! How is your pain doing? Much better since the surgery?
 
Painful One, how long have you had chronic pain? It seems that your dream is permeated by self esteem issues. You are cursed with this, if anything you seem humble and nice and try to stay positive. My past friends look at me like some casualty for the most part; so does my family except my brother. It helps to have people who believe in you, but I believe in myself. So long as I can keep getting benzos into me until I have an income. I disintegrate without those. I was sad to hear of your attempt. I have not, but I self harm all the time and it's probably bound to happen. It's the only thing I could think of to do if I ran out of benzos at this point, so yeah things can get bad. They can improve, too. I could do a slow taper.

Yoga was great I made it to both classes. The first was intense and the second was a chill yin meditation after a break. Glad I made it to two classes I was back and forth about going but I really needed that. Hope your day was good too painful one and yesterday. I didn't smoke much weed but then got reallllllly stoned for yoga and doubled my benzo dose, whatever. Better get some sleep though while I can. Just got a yummy chicken thigh in the oven with some kale and stuff. I am super stoned, I find a good sleep is so important for my back pain. When I didn't have much weed and benzos and couldn't sleep after 2 days my back was leaving me bedridden hurting so much. I slept through St. Patricks Day, from 6pm to 6am I got so tired once I could sleep.

10 weeks off painkillers today. There goes the oven. Time to sprint for the food.
 
Yeah, watching the clock drives me insane. One of the most difficult parts of tapering. That?s why everyone recommends having someone hold abd dole out your pills.
I?m not looking forward to hurting and having no pills to help with my back pain, but it will be really nice to be off these pills someday and be done staring at the clock or arguing with myself about whether I deserve a treat of extra pain relief today.
I start 4 days of 15 mg oxy/day today. PM Doc 4 days from today. It?s going to suck hard but maybe I?ll be ready to quit in a week.
 
I have had a horrific back injury and have been unable to live a "normal" life at all since 2008 when I was hit from behind on the freeway. Before that I had chronic migraines (since 16 yrs old) that caused me to loose my vision and be very sick for days at a time but those were nothing compared to now.

Recently, my arms have been going out. Like paralyzed down to my sides and it hurts my shoulders and arms really, really bad.
There is no surgery that they can do. I am passed help from surgery. My back is hurt badly and just trying to do get dressed and do a few things makes me exhausted and I can barely keep myself looking normal and cared for and my house clean etc.
I cannot work. There is no way. I have been applying for disability benefits and have been denied for all these years. I first applied in 2009. Even though I am disabled and have always worked my ass off and paid into "the system".

It seems no one understands or can understand so I don't get treated very well by my family and I have no friends left because I am too hurt to do things. I have my spiritual condition attacked a lot due to a religious family. I know how people who have epilepsy must feel, with people thinking they are possessed. I had one family member suggest to me that if I just believed more or was closer to The Lord that all this would just go away. I have no support ever. I keep myself going and try to help others.

Yeah Shroomy, others look at me like a casualty of war or worse. That I could somehow change this or deserve this. I have always been a good person. Always helpful. Always worked hard. The problems I have are so obvious. One look up on my computer told me that paralysis of the arms is common with back injury. My family just acts dumbfounded as to what the problem could be. I'm afraid to tell the pain management Doctor too much because my mom always has me scared of him just dropping us.

Things are bad and have been worse recently with this arm paralysis thing. Ouch!

Good luck Squeaky. I wish the best for you.
 
Wow you have really been through a lot. Also sounds like you've gotten screwed on disability payments you should definitely have that, what is wrong with people.

It only matters how you view yourself. People def view me as a burnout with no hope, apart from those who know me best. It is nice to have support though, and with BPD, friendships help me keep a stable sense of identity. One of the best things I can do is encourage others.

And yeah pm doctors are so unpredictable and so many are completely unprofessional. I have medical weed now though, so I like my gp.

I found my chill recovery job today it's perfect : ) I'll be racking my mind a lot. I am definitely really happy about that, this summer should be amazing. My best friend and I who both are quitting weed for the most part, back to occasional use, but were smokin pounds up til recently, anyways, we were talking all day about what a shit winter it was and how exciting the arrival of warmer weather is. I got out for a walk in the sun today. I wasn't happy today until I got that job, and took a little bong toke of indica which got me really smiley, but having a job is such a good thing for me right now.
 
I have been through a lot! Lol! Fuck!
Sorry guys. I needed to vent. This arm paralysis thing hurts and made me very anxious.
It is starting to ease up some now. Really sore but at least able to move again.
That was horrifying and nothing really scares me anymore.

You are right too Shroomy. I don't really care what anyone thinks of me. The thing that is important is what I think of me and I think I am awesome! I'm proud of myself and I have walked in my own shoes so in judgment of myself, I have done freaking amazing!

So happy to hear you got a job!! YAY!! I think that will be great for you! I was also happy to hear you got a MMJ card! Nice!
I think I'm going to need one of those too. I am proud of you! You have been doing so good! Really.

Thanks for the kind words too. I really needed those today.

Hope everyone is doing well. Sending you all love and support!
 
I think you are awesome as well Painful One. You are venting but it doesn't sound like complaining. I am down to only possessions of sentimental value now; I have sold so much of my stuff this year for drugs but I didn't care about it. I'm down to stuff I care about and it has to go before my first pay, so that I don't risk having a seizure which I refuse to do.
Sucks. Hopefully a lesson learned cause this is shit I use a lot when I play guitar. Could be worse, I was extremely nervous about being unemployed as I saw this coming and worse. I am very happy about that, and will be happier about it in time when I start, which is soon. Will feel good. I stuck to my taper dose today for benzos it wasn't that that bad, I'm getting used to talking to people and doing stuff in a state of panic. I have to quit smoking weed because of finances, no choice, will still get my card though.
Probably complaining about this more than about your legit pain but it's going to be shit because I know I'm getting ripped. This job is great for me, it's one I've had before but with a bigger company and better pay. # of hours is kind of up to me, won't be full time, but the pay per hour works out to be more worth my time than the highest paying career job I have had that was many years ago. I shouldn't have to sell any more favourite things.

This reminds me of my worst heroin withdrawals, in terms of the sheer desperation it's even worse in that regard. The physical symptoms don't compare, but I am in a constant state of sheer panic like a really bad acid trip. I promised myself there were 5 guitar pedals that I wouldn't touch for pills let alone my guitars. All my replaceable electronic stuff is pretty much gone. I'm still a fuckin junkie, my entire week is going to revolve around getting this stupid amount of money that isn't even that much. Once I have income this won't be a problem though if I slowly taper with valium. The doctors can fuck right off by the way. What kind of poison is this shit that it can kill me if I don't take it for a day. Yet, I couldn't live without it before I got on it. I'm a dead man walking. A day will come, when I forget them or don't have them or can't afford them and that will be it.
 
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You are so right when you say "what kind of poison is this shit, that it can kill me if I don't take it for a day?"

I would highly suggest a very slow taper. When I did not have my clonazepam for a few days and was in benzodiazepine withdrawal,
I was literally spitting all day in a cup because everything tasted like poison. I'm telling you it felt like I had been poisoned.
I was hallucinating big time. I don't enjoy hallucinating. I was pretty pissed when I went back to my doctor and told him what I had gone through. I looked at him hard, like, what have you done to me? Why did you not mention this?

I hope all goes well and you don't have to sell anymore of your stuff. I know how that is. Waiting for disability benefits and all.
You have to live somehow.

You have done well to get off the opiates and you needed the time off. That was the important thing. Well done!

Squeaky, hope you are doing alright bro. Hang in there.
 
I did have to sell one thing but it was karma. It was actually a blatant manifestation of karma. Enough of my music equipment is still intact that it is not going to impact my playing. I lost a lot of stuff over the years though but what I have left are all my favourite things that I wouldn't have the heart to sell.

Etizolam is great for panic disorder and really it was my last resort after being on enough stuff. Well they prescribed me xanax but wouldn't refill so it led me to that. It's like a non-stupefying xanax that has antidepressant properties (similar to snri's) and they substitute for each other but the cross tolerance just isn't really there all that much. It is, but the feel of the drugs is very different and I like xanax more but that is because I like to be wrecked. Etizolam is a way better med, it is prescribed in some countries. It is said to have less dependence liability but that's debatable. The withdrawal is hell.

I dropped my benzo dose by at the very least 25% but tbh more like 50%. I have definitely been feeling it, since last weekend. I do not research benzo withdrawal. I don't want to know then I'll go looking for more symptoms. I know enough about them to taper. Once I get my dose down to something reasonable I can taper with valium, that's the plan. I almost caved tonight and took the pill early as really, I am worried about seizures especially in the evenings from days 2 to 5 but I just thought about everything I've lost to these two habits and I'm hanging in there.

If I can stabilize at the dose I am at now it would be wonderful. I am taking the med 3 times daily 8 hours apart, as it is intended to be used for panic disorder or generalized anxiety. I am in withdrawal most of the time, but once / if these interdose withdrawals go away I will be staying here for a while and just knowing my tolerance and where I'm at, and being on a schedule will help so much. I am very happy I am off the opiates. This is not an "everything is right in the world" type of deal. I could seriously completely fuck my life up if I run out or taper too fast (I don't think I am so far, but it's more than harsh enough). Luckily I have a 3 week supply so I finally don't have to worry about running out or anything week to week - so long as I can hold at this dose. It is hard. I know with 25% more I'd be having a great day, but really, it hasn't been a bad day. Just not a good one. This is important for me to address ASAP and I am.
 
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