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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I hope that my situation improves soon. I mean, back to the way it was a few days ago. I am suffering. Benzo related, those xanax's are definitely not for me. I am trying to switch to klonopin I can't feel it has always been my choice.

I knew I should have gone there last night. My resume will be on that hot girls desk when she gets in today and I talked to the store manager. She told me to drop off a resume when I said I wanted a similar job and it turns out she is in charge of hiring. That would be good for me I wonder if I'll get a call from her. I'll see her again for sure in any case but not for a while because of this crippling anxiety. So, it's good that she has something to remember me by and there is a list of my hobbies and interests and stuff. It was awful to leave here last night, and the night before I was really anxious when I met her. Maybe she will help me out, I think she kind of likes me a bit and she is def in charge of all the hiring he was saying.

The benzo thing is really bad though right now. I can't eat or sleep. Trying to get through this shit the klonopin comes on so slow and the xanax drops off so fast and I only have so much of both it's confusing me I'm in a state of near-extreme panic, where I would typically begin to pace and freak out.
 
Take deep breaths Shroomy. Do some breathing exercises. Get some oxygen into your blood. Anxiety makes you not breath right.
I think the klonapin (clonazapam) is a better choice than the Xanax. It lasts much, much longer.
The clonazepam is more like a long acting Xanax.

I really don't like xanax. For me, it works good for an hour or two then has a backlash anxiety and makes you even more anxious than before.

Hang in there brother! Try to keep some kind of a regular dosage schedule and your body will adjust after a few uncomfortable days.
You can do this!
 
Been in tears for hours I am 2 months clean of opiates tomorrow and I can't enjoy myself. The dose drop is absolutely a seizure risk, it is freaking me out so bad.

I don't know what I am going to do. There is yin yoga today, the relaxing kind. It's going to be a fucking war to get there. I am never running low on this shit again. I can see how I could taper quite comfortably but this is just ridiculous.

I only took one xanax today in the morning. My next one is 8 hours later, in 15 minutes. Then I have a few hours where I will be doing yoga. I really want to take two of them because is it really worth the risk to take one, I already skipped a dose today. I was taking like fucking ten of them before. I think I will take them spread apart, or something. I am a wreck though. At least I got more of that really nice indica hybrid. I at least have good weed but I am experiencing hell. I'll fuckin take the two xanax and try to relax for a few hours. This is insane. I can't just lay in bed either I've been rushing around all day. Really it will be good to take less benzos but not like this. The dose cut was insane, between different meds everything is a mess.

Never been so nervous in my life this wouldn't even be a problem if I had a job. So, unlike the depression of opiate withdrawal the anxiety of this seems to make me rush rush rush. It has to be combined with indica.
 
Yeah Shroomi. I have been through benzo and opiate wd. Benzo wd is so much worse, in several ways. I screwed up and used my whole reserve if oxy a few months ago, but Ill never do that with benzos. I?m too scared of what would happen if I ran out of Lorazepam somehow.
 
Tapering off Benzos is really easy for me. I don?t have any positive effect that I associate with those pills, so it?s all about following the schedule every day until Im done. It takes time, and that sucks.
The opiates are a whole other beast. They stop my pain, my withdrawls, my anxiety, etc. And all the effects are within 30 minutes. So staring at a bottle of pills and trying to convince myself that I shouldn?t just take an extra one before lunch, to stop my hurting whatever, has been impossible. I will be tapered down to only 30 mg oxy by next week, but only really because I took to many at the start of the month and I?m going to run out really soon if I don?t.
That will put me at 30 mg / day for about 10 days. I have boat loads of Loperamide, but I?m trying not to use it. Hopefully when I get my next script I can fight the urge to ?use as directed ? and instead stuck with my taper. If I can do that, I?ll be free from the opiates by April.
That would be nice.
 
I agree with you Squeaky. Benzo's are not a problem for me to take correctly or taper. The pain medication is so tempting, especially on really bad pain days. It is always tempting for me because I have so much disability that I always want just a little more relief/ ability to function more normally.

I can see how the benzo's could become a huge problem while using them for opiate withdrawal though.

Sorry to hear you have run yourself low on medication this month. That sucks. You will be alright though. Don't stress over it too much. It is great to hear that you are feeling well enough to be considering being opiate free! That is wonderful!
 
My back has been killing me lately. A perc would definitely help me right now. I am being physically active but the stuff I have to be careful doing... like I was just getting more lighting fixtures so my place isn't so dark and things are a little brighter over here. Spent all morning reading in candlelight. It's not keeping me bedridden tortured pretty much for 2 years like before I got on opiates. To the point that after I wake up an hour or two it is a constant distraction / bother / pretty fuckin horrible discomfort. It is miserable. I have been perceiving the pain in a new light now that I know I am not as fragile as I thought I was. I am trying to perceive the pain the same as I would experience relief. Easier said than done, but meditation and weed can help with that. This is how weed helps my back pain it doesn't change it really at all, just my mindset. Same for anxiety, keeps me level headed. The weed I have now, a 0.1 gram bong toke will have me super baked for a couple hours and not wanting another for 6. With my tolerance that is some chron, so sparkly. Weed is awesome if you don't smoke it then wtf never too late to start lol.

Biggest problem with benzos is I was never dosed properly or explained anything by the doctors. They honestly don't care here, they think it's cool to give you a bunch of seroquel and replace the xanax. Another problem was I was given 0.5mg xanax or the first time in the ER and a month script and after a year of panic attacks that were so extreme I was pretty much spending my life pacing back and forth as a family member watched over me suffer and tried to help. Then they cut me off the one month supply without a taper so I got etizolam powder and that was fine until I found myself broke unemployed and almost out of the stuff. The dose I was put on and am still on is so low for what I even originally needed half a decade ago, it's so stupid in my opinion that I can't have an open relationship with my doctor about this stuff without being almost certainly likely left in a worse situation than before.

I wish I was scripted like 4mg klonopin a day or something that I need in order to function. A psychiatrist might be able to help more, if I had someone to go to for a long benzo taper almost like how I could get into a suboxone clinic literally in a day if I wanted to, I would absolutely sign up today. It doesn't work that way. The only person I'd consider working with is my GP, otherwise I can get a job and do this myself. I'm good at math.

I really wish opiates could treat my panic attacks. That is the one thing that is so extreme of a feeling, that the opiates couldn't touch it unless I was like shooting up dilaudid or something abusive. So I ended up getting into both. My anxiety is a lot worse than my pain, as bad as the pain as there is nothing worse to me than panic attacks. They are so hardcore and leave me in a daze. I've had thousands of them. Every time, I felt like I was going to die and it was extremely hard to get through. My ex-girlfriend had one panic attack, and had the ambulance called to help me calm her down. She reached for me not her mom it was adorable to me cause I knew she'd be fine but also horrible to see someone in a state I know so well. Sheer terror, too scared to even know what back pain is and then afterwards the spine hurts so bad from the stress. It reminds me of when I am a little too strenuous, my back locks up and the pain gets so extreme I pass out for a couple hours. Except, it is the exact opposite of being chilled out. Heart in a vice grip. Can't stand the feeling. If I got into a psych, I'd def be put on a higher dose at this point considering I have a half decade history with no increase and my anxiety has been awful lately 2 months off opiates.
 
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Oh, Shroomy, that is horrible. I'm so sorry that you have such an extreme anxiety problem. You do need the Benzo's. I think you should tell your doctor just what you just told to us. Talk to that GP that you like. A psychiatrist maybe could help. You could give it a try also, just see how things go and if you don't like it then you don't have to go. It really is ridiculous that you are not getting a prescription for those Shroomy. You need one. Medically.

That amazed me how you explained what you are doing with the pain, using meditation, trying to convince yourself to accept pain as pleasure or something tolerable. That is exactly what I have been doing too. I have been in a lot of pain. I figured out what is happening to me and my back is actually going entirely out in the winter or certain weather. I cannot move my arms when it happens and it is so painful I can't even speak to anyone. I'm just literally freaking out.

Then, I get to feeling better and I exercise and clean and take a lot of time to dress normally. It is so I feel more normal. I am so limited that it is hard for me to accept and I keep kicking my own ass. Doing too much. I have a certain limit of activity per day.

There is nothing more the doctors can do for me but what they are.

It was great to hear how you are dealing with the pain. Good job. This seems to be the right thing to do and you are right that the Mary Jane helps a lot! I have the one hit medical grade indicate right now too! Freaking so helpful!

<3
 
I need one not just medically, but for my own safety. I could have easily - fucking easily - had a seizure or fucking died over the weekend. I was under constant threat of that like why can't I just talk to someone. I remember looking into bupe before I realized that I would crush and snort them, and I got an appointment literally the next day where I'd get it if I hadn't used in 24 hours. Is there something like that for benzo abusers, like an emergency taper one week detox (to figure out the starting dose and taper optimally). There is nothing whatsoever and it can kill you.

I'm a dead man walking. I am so pissed at the medical system yes I am an 'addict' out for a 'hit' but it was my fucking pain management doctor not my GP. All he did was throw pills at me and then never once in 5 years raise the dose. I had to raise it myself, until I had multiple drug connects for any opiate under the sun and was snorting heroin because it was by far and wide the cheapest and quickest and most pleasant relief. Now I am off opiates for 2 months and just beginning to get the energy back to do things like read a book, or apply for a job.

This is a bad time for me. I feel like sexual frustration ruined my life. I am a horny fuck and never got any for past 15 years really. It is desirable to me for many reasons that have to do with my personality and lifestyle as a whole. I remember in university couldn't handle being the odd one out literally the only person I knew who never got any the school was 60% women. I was socially retarded, I would not pick up on obvious cues from women like I do now. However now it's too late. I have no idea what I am doing, and if I haven't figured it out by now it's like an unsolvable equation. So, fuck life if I can't have that. It's no fun, I don't even have any friends anymore. I never hang out with anyone, when I do I tend to have a great time but it is very rare that I do anything with anyone else.

Ironically the book I was reading today (Infinite Jest) there was a part about an attractive young well educated woman with a well upbringing who was going through the process of hanging herself. The book is really well written in a factual and highly descriptive way. I am enjoying it, but I can't be this age and not getting any for any longer. I also have no idea what I'm doing and seem to only get hurt for something that is not even complicated.

I remember being unable to handle these feelings, too busy partying and studying in school to do anything but abuse drugs. Well until final year we did a lot of mushrooms and smoked pot all day and got really drunk all the time. Then started doing cocaine and Mdma as I was depressed and got a random connect for it. Figured may as well, did so much damn Mdma.

Met my first girl later on everything changed but now I am worse for wear and I have no idea how I could ever attract the opposite sex. I can certainly attract, just not doing anything about it. I don't want to sell any more of my tech stuff and I'm getting tired of it all and it's too cold out to jump off a cliff although I suppose I could take all the etiz I haven pass out in the snow all night in light clothing. I don't know. What the fuck is the point if I am this messed up. There is no point to this existence whatsoever. It holds so much potential to be thrown away and drained on stupid shit like drugs. I've had it. Even if I get a job, I would go straight back to dope first paycheque so I could get by on less benzos and definitely be sniffing it all the time with a good job like that. I can't afford it at the moment. My life isn't any better, it sucks. It's not going to get any better. I try. I have tried for far too long and I have suffered far too much.

Painful One I am in so much emotional pain that it overwhelms my injury at this point. I am still in a lot of pain all the time, I just did a yin yoga tune-up. I was up on my feet cleaning and applying for jobs all day then by the time I got to night yoga I was real tired. It was a lovely class more advanced postures to hold. There is something wrong with my brain that makes it impossible to connect with the opposite sex even when they are up front with me. So, my brain is stupid. This isn't something I am shy about, I guess I am, I just don't know what to do I'm stupid as fuck. Let it dissipate into the subatomic particles that it is composed out of in a different, spreading out interaction or go dead of activity interpreted as miserable. I feel imprisoned. There is absolutely nothing whatsoever I can do about this. They just don't like me. I won't have a clue on my dying day.

I need to get laid obviously. I did all summer she invited me over all the time I was practically living there and planning on it and things were great. That was when I was getting off H. I haven't had a kiss since the end up the summer. That is 7 months, too long for someone near 30 and pitifully not even that long historically speaking. I will never understand and I'm scared. I'm scared because I know I'm gonna die soon. I am staying up all night to try and maybe smoke another bong rip or two and eat some late stoner food and try to forget.

I am focussing on finding a job, as there is no possible chance of me getting laid anytime soon. As that has become a priority at this point. It's so stupid there's nothing wrong with me. They don't like me. Or they like me and that makes it worse when I'm a fuckin dumbass every time. I would only want to do dope again to kill my sex drive well for a lot of reasons. I still care about this when I am using it doesn't make me stupid but it makes me feel... well, miserable too. The only way seems to be a high dose of a short acting benzo. I took 6mg klonopin, 6mg xanax, and 30mg etizolam today. That is just asking for trouble, like I said I know I'm gonna die soon. I don't have a job to taper the fuck down myself and I am not cold turkey detoxing that shit or getting the medical system involved that helped me fuck myself over to begin with. Never trust a damn doctor.

Really I should be in therapy tapering my benzo dose down while I'm healthy and young but they do not do that in this country. I could write pages upon pages of how fed up I got with the medical system. I pretty much intentionally began to self harm because I couldn't fucking get any help for either problem, the back pain or extreme daily panic symptoms.

Just sucks I really want to be with someone now and I was too shy before but I am not like that anymore. So long as I can afford my benzo fix next week and apply for jobs like crazy so I can snort H instead and not feel so miserable all the time. Man... I'm so young I've thought about death but like never even smoked 5-meo-dmt yet. I'm not ready to let go on such short notice. It has still been a long, hectic journey and for it to end here is fucking crazy. I can't see a way out. I'm really on the edge about this. What is wrong with me, that I can be who I am and not get sex. It is torture to me to the point that it isn't worth waiting for something that will never arrive. I've completely ruined my life. I thought I was going to be somebody? The worst way is how I'm just gonna OD one random day though I can't stand to think of it but at least it won't hurt.

Just sucks cause I probably won't reincarnate as a human again so like I'll eternally never get laid. And there likely won't be any weed to smoke, wherever "I" am headed on this quick stop in to be tortured on planet earth. My family won't even care for all that long, they would care more if our dog died. Seriously.
 
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Hey Shroomy don't get down on yourself you're not alone. I can see myself a lot within your story. I don't know how to socialize properly these days on this small dose of valium I am on. I need something stronger as well.

I get the emotional pain. It hurts something bad in the chest :( Your post really sounds like me minus the back pain. I do have other injuries from sports but they don't compare to what goes on in my head. I gotta get laid too and I have the opportunity to do so but I need relationship...its not that easy for me to 'pump and dump' like so many other people do. But once people get to know me, they usually don't want to have anything to do with me. So i just don't know sometimes.

But just gotta keep it positive and make the best of the day cause that's all we got.
 
I?m pretty emitionally retarded too Shroomi. If it weren?t for being married I would NEVER get laid. My wife understands me, but she is the only person in my life since birth who ever gave a shit about me. You are not alone brother.
You?re two months off the opiates. That?s huge. If you can get off the benzos too your life will be that much better. At some point when you get back to who you really are - the person you were before the drugs- you will meet the right one. And it will last because it will be based on YOU. Not the person who is stuck needing these pills to feel normal. You said you arent the kind who can ?pump and dump?. Well that?s about all you will find if you keep relying on these pills to help you meet someone. The pills or the H can help you find someone but it will always be the wrong someone. Kind of like getting drunk and finding every new girlfriend at the bar...... every one of them is going to have a problem with alcohol.
And from my own experience the sex from a great committed relationship with someone who truly understands and respects you is exponentially better than any short lived relationship. It?s definitely worth living long enough to find it at least once in your lifetime.
 
Hey choppy I can relate a lot to that. It is not a self confidence issue. It is a stupidity / social conditioning dissonance. I am unplugged from society, I don't really get what to do or say and I feel like there is a 'protocol' and whenever I am just myself (like, 100% of the time) it never works out.

If it does work out which it has twice in 15 years we end up having ridiculous sex for a while and dating both times were wonderful then she runs away. It's not the drugs they didn't care about that as I am worse without them. I end up with heartbreak and I feel like the sex wasn't worth it since I formed an attachment that has been broken. I'd rather just get laid but then I have to wait for a girl to hit on me because I will never ask a girl out again as long as I live after the other day. I end up waiting years for something to happen. I don't care at this point that long? It's actually just really unhealthy not to have sex when you have a major drive for it I'm not a fuckin stupid teenager I should know how to do this by now. I've had 15 years to figure it out and never could. There were so many girls into me in university who I couldn't fucking talk to. I was stoned when I should have been on cocaine.

My panic attacks specifically emanate from my heart, in my mind I have a broken heart and that is where all these panic attacks are coming from. I know how to get a job. I don't have a clue how to get anywhere at all with a girl even when they clearly like me. I'm not even desperate. I don't give a fuck it's not like I'm used to getting any. It is the most miserable and longest lasting problem of all. I didn't really have any issues before I hit puberty and a few years passed and I realized girls didn't like me.

Keeping positive never gets me anywhere either but let down. I will keep fucking miserable for however the fuck this Experience even came to be. It never ever should have, nobody deserves to fucking suffer like this I know people have it worse but I have very noticeable slashes all over my left arm. Way more noticeable than track marks, I just did those a few days ago. Things are not good as I cut too deep a bit and one of these fucking times.

Squeaky I get what you are saying but it hasn't been only two months without opiates also I can relate to chompy more about this I guess cause you are married. I had another two months late last year I'm really used to not being on opiates. I have felt myself without them and the second withdrawal I pretty much powered through and kept active. Myself without benzos is a panic freak who paces back and forth and can't leave the house and truly wouldn't last a day alive. That is who I really am. I require that medication every day for the reset of my life. I can taper down my dose very slowly though eventually.

Nothing is really going to change, I'll probably get a job and stop worrying about money so much and smoke more weed and start tapering benzos. I am done even talking to girls like I have been at the chill places I have been stopping by the past several months. I will block that part of my life out but the only way to really do that is with opiates as they take away my sex drive completely at this point in a day (it took a while and chronic relapsing to get to that point, and getting full blown long lasting withdrawals from one or two days of using but here I am, worthless). At least I got benzos and weed though and have been keeping busy soon but I am going to die soon so there isn't really a point.

Can't even write about this shit. Okay so I have a new life schedule in place, I am trying to get a job asap. I'll probably be back on the H first pay cheque due to the loneliness, it is on my mind almost constantly and always underlying, affecting and degenerating my every motion in life. My relationships were lovely just didn't end well. I don't think there will be a third, if I have slash marks all over my arm I may as well add some track marks whenever I have a job and a stable income and have the option of being an opiate addict. I don't have that option right now.

And then I can't have sex just once with someone I would now because of the delay I am a relationship person but typically we end up getting frisky pretty quick if anything is going to happen ever. Things are different now though. I wish I was dead and I see that I am unfit as a human being to carry on in this unfortunate incarnation.
 
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But Shroomy..,you do know how. You are a being of love. Of course you desire love and physical contact. Just be love. You know how. Remember?! Stop fighting with yourself so much. Let yourself go and don't be so self conscious. You can do this naturally. You have the natural ability. Just let it shine through. They will come to you.
Got love- you want it? Type of attitude. Trust me on this. You are male!!

Take a deep breathe. You are strong and young and you are going to make it through this!
I know the physical injury is hell. I'm with you there. It seems it is like a wire to the T.V being shorted out at times for us. We have back injury. Our nerves probably get pinched and stuff. IDK. But we need to keep doing as much activity as we can and keep trying to do what we both are doing, trying to train our brains to accept pain as a tolerable feeling. As much as that is possible.

We have the tendency to push people away because we have limitations and problems we are embarrassed about and don't want to expose others to our pain. Things get bad for us at times. Things also get good for us too. My boyfriend would not give up on me and I was mean. I still have someone who loves me. We are still valuable and we have great worth!
 
All I remember about university the real drug problems starting is being infuriated and profoundly sad about all the cute chicks around who I couldn't talk to for some reason. The only hot blonde girl in physics a couple years younger who I was too nervous to talk to. Needed better drugs really, had never taken a benzo or an opiate yet. Fuck that pisses me off, that was back when OC80's were rampant I should have been abusing those instead and then got clean after university. I would have got way better marks and had a better time.

The sex thing made me so angry, being like literally the only person like these are college keggers and shit and you meet people easily. that this was my experience of university, hating myself for that. My high school / first year marks were 95 - 99% then I fucked off, didn't give a shit at all, skipped classes, smoked as much pot as I could and worked out extremely heavily until I was very built. I had a lot of friends and hid this feeling from them. I was never happy there though it was more and more drugs really good times with friends but the entire time I did not want to be partying. I wanted a girlfriend and to be studying real hard for graduate studies but I was so depressed about this, and it was constantly present because we partied every night and I lived in a party house, that it drove me insane. I've never really been the same and I left with a B.Sc and severe depression.

This was before all that other shit. This was like 10 years ago. Thinking about how stupid I was makes me want to slit my wrists. I missed out on a part of life that I feel was critical to my social development. Anyways, I'm gonna be dead soon and this will have never existed? Except it did. If there was ever a judgement day, I would be laughed at and ridiculed for being the dumbest piece of trash that ever lived. I hate myself and want to die.
 
Don't look back, we are not going that way!!
Let it go now. Please. It will feel so much better. Lighter.

I was also a retard in high school, college and stuff. I can't believe how shy and self conscious I was, when in actuality I am very beautiful inside and out! I'm not the kind of person who can just use someone for sex either. I have to feel and have a real attachment but that comes easily if your heart is open and not broken.

Believe that your heart can become whole again Shroomy. It can! Be healed of your broken heart now. You ARE love and you have always been loved, whether you realize that or not, I tell you the truth.

I think you should talk to that G.P doctor and see about getting the benzo's prescribed and getting yourself stable and comfortable on those. You very clearly require them. I do agree. But not too much! Stable is key!

You know, self respect, self love, self compassion, self care- all of these things are very hard for us but they are up in the top 3 most important things in life.

I loved hearing about you finding that cool shirt you did not know was around and feeling good wearing it!
I have also found clothes that are brand new and awesome that I bought when I knew I was not going to be able to afford anything for awhile. It has been so nice to run into new, awesome clothes that I had put away for just such times as these. Dressing more like I used to and doing my hair and stuff makes me feel more normal. It helps. Continue to take prides in your appearance and feel comfortable in what you are wearing. It does help.
 
Yeah I am def doing better though I hadn't smoked up much yet today since I'm cutting back so my personality changes in positive ways after I smoke weed after I don't smoke weed for a while as I start to become messed up. I took 3 bong heavy bong tokes of that OG and now I am smiling. I had a to-do list fuck I'm not getting anything done. I actually have to work on that and try and eat some food I am getting soo skinny again from putting myself in and out of benzo wd's. Not that skinny haha. But I don't eat enough! If I had a girlfriend she would totally notice and be like if you lose any more weight it will make me sad and then I'd be like k I'm smoking more bong then. That is a good compromise in a relationship I'd say since the girls I've been with haven't smoked weed.

I had no one by my side til this pretty young white b hopped up in my ride
took her to my crib and i showed her how i die, erry night
then i wake up and i'm still fuckin high

Just some lyrics. Dude squeaky I am at a good age for it and I just had two relationships so I want to hook up meaningfully with girls you know. Preferably more than one and me and bars don't mix. Like random meetings. Wish I had more of a social life. That has angered me for most of my life though, pretty much what hurt me that never really able to use drugs sparingly. I don't mind these days those days are in the past I am attractive and stuff just have to wait for someone to realize I am clueless. My girlfriend over the summer said she couldn't imagine girls not talking to me a lot and we were both like I guess you're just shy. Damn that was good we had fun. Def worth the aftermath.

Not being stoned suuuuucks I wasn't like that all day though this morning I was productive without smoking. Just couldn't eat but I went out and got the OG. I have my benzo supply I'm in a good position to get some work done. What I have to do next is hilarious it is making me giggle. Those marks will fade they are not that bad I'm getting tattoos anyway if I ever get a job.

It's just like therapy writing you know it doesn't matter what I say you know what's up or whatev like I have to read 25 pages of Infinite Jest on my to-do list apply for 5 online jobs go to yoga and check out a place for job hunting tomorrow. I'm way too stoned for this shit, I think I'll start with the reading. I can apply for jobs later when I'm not so baked. True religion jeans pockets full of cocaine tattoos on my face Ima die this way. That was just a peep rap I thought was good that just played.

I was having muscle aches in my upper arms again. It keeps happening. It's that opiate withdrawal symptom I dislike the most, 2 months later I'm still feeling it. My friend who was hooked on fent said 9 months later he is still reminded of withdrawals sometimes. Well there was no life with that I remember how it ended not how it started. I smoke my weed and my benzos will def not be going anywhere anytime soon. It's at least good that I spend several hours of the day very anxious it will keep tolerance down a bit. I am super anxious right now since I haven't dosed in 6 hours a short acting benzo time for benzo rebound.

I feel so damn chill if I wait like 6 hours to smoke and smoke the rest of the day though. Definitely trying to cut back on that not saying it's a problem lol I just want to smoke less weed because I notice the high more it's stronger and it feels rewarding and I can smoke less and save some money for the chron. The OG. lol. Yeah I don't know what's up with why I can't find a girl and I am around them pretty often. I don't care when I'm stoned and on benzos. It's like benzos and opiates. The ultimate escape, I started using both within like a month of each other it was insane. So I'm hooked on the opiates + benzo high one might say. I have coconut oil in my hair.with lavender. Bleaching and dying my hair and dressing myself to my liking improves my self confidence. So does doing yoga, I better eat some food dammit! I was getting pretty big. I seriously need to hit up the grocery store omg.

It's nice to be this stoned. I knew that OG was good shit when I was checking the strains. It was a lil cheaper but covered in crystal compared to the more expensive strains and if I'm paying that much I want solid 2 gram+ nugs and they were smaller. Last time they had buds weight a q easily. Now shittt if I had a job my pay would be gone, smoking that chron all night long in the bong rapping my rhymes tha song until dawn hits the lawn and more green hits the scene.

This was merely therapeutic writing while stoned. I should get back to my to-do list. There was nothing about women on it at all. Guess those feelings are numbed a lot and likely a manifestation of how I am impulsive and will like relapse just like that and stuff or the scissors or the drugs or the etc etc etc ... cte cte cte

That thing with my first gf for 5 years she is awesome we don't talk anymore. Anyways the thing I have to do next before I hit up my to do list is something she would typically shake her head and be like 'so this is where your time goes...' like when I would be cleaning my bong meticulously with isopropanol and salt all the pieces and stuff it was silly. That just brought back some fond memories. We weren't meant to be, I just remember her saying 'i've had a lot of fun with you' and it was true we had been through sooo much together craziness it was crazy and then she was gone and I've been too sick and stuff to try and fully process that. It's crazy. I remember getting wasted with her in the bahamas at distilleries would stay at nice resorts and stuff. We travelled a lot. She is probably the biggest influence who opened me up to the fashion world. It was really a great time and she was great. More concerned about maintaining my herb and benzo supplies and getting a job at the moment but yeah I have been in love for a few years it was well lovely. I am done caring tho.
 
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I'd read this one.

I got medical green! I can try cbd and stuff if I get a job. I'm so stoned I'm seeing colours in the screen again. Same as on 2c-c last year... lol. Bad.

You know when you smoke a lot of OG kush out of a bong though... it synergies with the tea so well to promote a productive space. I have stuff to do that I am going to start doing.

Ended up making a pasta with some vegetables and I feel better. My body is highly sensitive to nutrition. I've been too busy to go get groceries lately and I didn't again today. I put together something that might sustain my hot yoga flow tonight though. I will feel better once I start doing these things more again, well this makes 3 of 4 ays of yoga.

I don't need to fuck her all I need is that blunt. lol. This girl problem thing isn't going away so I should learn to cope with it. Just not caring whatsoever about finding any girl for anything remotely romantic and being aversive to opportunities. That's not really coping with it and I do wish that I didn't care. Guess I'm just a junkie right.
 
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So I used up my last 10 -40s oxy and my husband said we need to quit, cant afford it anymore so I guess its time. I know I can make it thru the days but the nights are what drive me crazy , the long long nights of tossing and turning and restless legs/ body.

Looked thru my deceased mother in laws pills and found Temazepam 15mg and Quetiapin Fumarate 50 mg (seroquel) , saw these names around bl being used for withdrawal, so wanted to ask what would be better for withdrawal / sleep problems??????

( I have no benzo or sleeping pill history/tolerance) And I have already tried melatonin, thc gummies, and calm support supplement and none of them work in withdrawal. Thanks in advance :)
 
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I was on seroquel for a while. That is when I stopped trusting doctors and began to self medicate. It will knock you out but it also can feel kind of nasty I can see it going wrong tbh making some physical things worse. I would take the temazepam.= only that should work fine. Sucks having to look through pills like that.

I went to yoga tonight it does help but I am unwell. I feel that I have a broken heart that is beyond repair. I have lost the initiative and energy and enthusiasm that I used to naturally have. It is very serious how much damage has been done. I can only imagine and probably a lot more than I think.

I was lonely. So I turned to drugs. Like my 2nd girl said it's like I have so much potential and directions I can head in and I can learn like anything quick she found that admirable, that is just what she said people look up to me and view me as very smart and recognize this quickly but also it's same old same old boring cliche drug addict ruining his life story. Since, my life has been ruined for a while now. I'd say 4 to 5 years. However I feel inferior to everyone for the basic fact that I am a male that doesn't really get females. It's so stupid. It's such a stupid reason to kill yourself but there is reason in it too. These 7 months will turn into a year in no time at all, and then 3 years. I'll be in my early 30's, even more unsuccessful compared to my peers, viewed as a fuckup as soon as anyone got to know me, and I think it would be even more challenging then.

That came first, then came weightlifting as an anger outlet, then I worked a lot of labour jobs and it is easy to see why my back would be messed up from all that although it was pretty much sudden onset with warning signs. I don't see the point. When I was in a much better position than I am now, I couldn't get any either. I honestly cannot wait to die, it will be such a fuckin relief never to be angry and frustrated over this again. This is definitely worth slitting my wrists over. Definitely. It has been way too long and I'm sick and tired of feeling lonely. I hate that love yourself bs like try being social fucking stupid to the point you can't figure it out and month after month goes by as you suffer more and more feeling more and more inferior, like a sewer rat of the human race denied by the opposite sex because something is wrong with you, which you can't seem to figure out cause you're too fuckin stupid and busy thinking of the best way to die before 30. I really do not want to hit that age and I'm going to soon. That was part of my plan.
 
Man i gotta be stoned all day too. Today I did something random and bought a day pass and got on the bus without a plan. Ate at random places. Was fun.
 
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