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Why Suicide Could Be the Answer

CoastTwoCoast said:
Your reply was perfect, thank you. You're right, no one can decide if you shouldn't be here anymore. I think it's just something inside that you feel so strongly, only you know how much you can take and what your breaking point is. I wish you the best too! I know some of your story and even though it's been rough, you keep going. I respect you tremendously. You're a beautiful spirit.
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Have you seen every beautiful thing or place on this planet?

Have you done everything there is to do?

Have you talked to every single person alive and found that none of them make you feel like being "the cheerful, outgoing, beautiful girl I felt like before"


 
CoastTwoCoast said:
And thank God I have more Etizolam coming this week because my nerves are going to be bad dealing with this shit. I have nowhere to escape so if I have to get high and escape in my brain, so be it.
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Anhedonia, depression, and suicidal ideation are hallmarks of benzodiazepine and also etizolam withdrawal. It has a very short half-life, leading to breakthrough W/D.

Common practice when prescribing any benzo or analog is to co-prescribe an antidepressant, as benzo use is known to actually cause suicidal ideation.
 
I have no doubt in your abilities shugenja
You've prob nailed it on the head. Whatwho are sad. Really really sad. There's no withdrawal from sad. How do you fix sad?
 
closeau said:
CoastTwoCoast, I think you're awesome. You deal with so much and you still have a positive vibe to you. You might mot feel positive but I sense it in you. Now you gotta deal with these kids. How do these people expect an elderly person to take care of two brats. AAnd you're stuck in the middle. I'm so sorry. Good thing your getting your Meds. Good timing. I just wanted to tell you hang in there and your awesome and keep going!!!
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That's exactly what I said to someone else! An elderly woman can't keep 2 brats under control. I got my medicine and that made things much easier. I was even able to come out and interact when I felt like it. Before the meds, every little bump, noise and scream made me want to kill someone or myself. I just couldn't take it. They are supposed to go home tomorrow. Their parents are slow as hell getting them because they don't want them either, but they better get their fucking kids. What does this look like? A shelter?
 
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shugenja said:
Have you seen every beautiful thing or place on this planet?

Have you done everything there is to do?

Have you talked to every single person alive and found that none of them make you feel like being "the cheerful, outgoing, beautiful girl I felt like before"
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I don't get out much so no. I'm alone essentially. I would call people from the net my friends quicker than those in real life. It does feel good if I put up a new Twitter picture and every one says how beautiful I look. I mean, they wouldn't have to compliment it if they didn't mean it. It's just always my mind playing tricks on me thinking "They're just being nice." In reality, that's not true. I know it's genuine.

I need more life experiences, besides concerts and dating random douchebags, I just don't know how to go about it. Some people make it look so easy. I think the older you get, the harder it is to make friends because people already have a built-in set of friends by their 30s.
 
shugenja said:
Anhedonia, depression, and suicidal ideation are hallmarks of benzodiazepine and also etizolam withdrawal. It has a very short half-life, leading to breakthrough W/D.

Common practice when prescribing any benzo or analog is to co-prescribe an antidepressant, as benzo use is known to actually cause suicidal ideation.
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You're right. I've been on Klonopin since a teen. The problem happened when I discovered RC benzos like etizolam. I go through depression, suicidal ideation, paranoia, a bad temper and having a very short fuse with every one when I don't have Etiz. Without it, it keeps me in my room because I can't face anyone. I go through this every time I run out. I'm still prescribed Klonopin every month, but since taking RC benzos, I go through Klonopin fast too. I NEED to control myself. I know that benzos are a must in my life or I wouldn't have a life at all or even leave the house because of anxiety/agoraphobia. I just need to get a grip and stop eating them like candy. Stop chasing that high and only use responsibly.

Thank you all for your replies. Means a lot! ??
 
Oh, I remember some people on here saying they dream of drugs. I found that strange, but it happened to me the last time I went through withdrawal. It's like your mind is teasing you because in that dream, you see the drug you want so vividly, but you can't have it and you wake up feeling like shit again. I have the most vivid dreams during withdrawals, most of them are my worst insecurities. Anything you can imagine you hate about yourself, plays out in a dream. A nightmare to say the least. And that's if you're able to get any sleep at all. Insomnia is a bitch. A sleeping pill helps, but you still get all the awful, insecure dreams. I have to hold onto this Etiz as long as I can because I don't want to experience all of that pain anytime soon again.
 
CoastTwoCoast, I agree with everything you said. Hope the brats are leaving.soon. I don't get out much either. There's no where to go. I don't go to bars. How are you supposed to meet someone in this society? I have drug nightmares in wd all the time. I'm in it now. It's horrible. Dreams are the worst. I feel like a piece of shit when I wake up. Uuugh. Guess there's nothing I can do but bare it. But I'm with ya
 
I don't know how else to meet people except for online dating. I don't do bars or stuff like that either. I need to first build my self esteem up because I've been taking too much crap from losers who act like they're all that. These A-Holes roll out of bed and look like they don't even try, probably didn't even shower, but they still have that attitude like they're too good for you. So maybe I should put the dating off until I feel confident first. I'm sorry you're going through the drug dreams. That's no fun at all. Hang on as long as you can and this will pass. Thanks for being a very understanding person. *HUGS*
 
I like you're sense of humor. You have a great one. Online dating is scary. I've almost been scammed on these things. Sometimes it's ok to be alone and think about where time has gone!
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
I don't know how else to meet people except for online dating. I don't do bars or stuff like that either. I need to first build my self esteem up because I've been taking too much crap from losers who act like they're all that. These A-Holes roll out of bed and look like they don't even try, probably didn't even shower, but they still have that attitude like they're too good for you. So maybe I should put the dating off until I feel confident first. I'm sorry you're going through the drug dreams. That's no fun at all. Hang on as long as you can and this will pass. Thanks for being a very understanding person. *HUGS*
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Pick a new hobby and meet people that way.

Go check out a Kundalini class, or sit in on a lecture on Buddhism --

Hell, volunteer to sit as a nude model for art students (sometimes you can get paid for it).
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
I don't know how else to meet people except for online dating. ISo maybe I should put the dating off until I feel confident first. I'm sorry you're going through the drug dreams. *HUGS*
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Pick a new hobby and meet people that way.

Go check out a Kundalini class, or sit in on a lecture on Buddhism --

Hell, volunteer to sit as a nude model for art students (sometimes you can get paid for it).
 
A nude model? The horror! Hahahahaha
Ok, I'm not going to make it like I'm a monster, but I'm not model material.

Last night I had a meltdown over those stupid kids and I cursed the mother out and threatened to beat her ass. I spent a night of drinking and taking RC benzos so not a proud moment. I was told this morning the kids were afraid of me. That made me feel horrible. I was even told if I didn't change, I would have to be put out. But her stupid fiancé got a DUI with her car and went to jail and wasn't put out. Fuck her. This disease is getting the best of me. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to be honest I haven't been taking Wellbutrin or Latuda. I want an MAOI again. It made me scared to take other drugs and drink. That's what I need. It also made life seem worth living. It stopped working years ago, but I'm hoping it will work again. I can't keep going down this self-destructive road.
 
Dam girl If it it ain't one thing it's anther. Beat the brats mama ass, you don't need that shit in yur life right now zBTW I'm on Lstuda and I think it's great and I hate these medicines, most of them I've tried.atuds is very light. Not so heavy like Serequilll or Paxil or whatever the fuck about them you think you know. Latududa works great and I'm on a hi high dose of Latuda for phcosis. It helps with my hearing shit. I'm a sick cookie. Anyway, Latuda is legit and three ado have me on lithium too. They work well together. Then some konoin at bedtime and I'm good. But all the drugs in the world can't stop the bum rush n brats mama!!! You hang in there girl, your doing good!!
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
I don't know how else to meet people except for online dating. I don't do bars or stuff like that either. I need to first build my self esteem up because I've been taking too much crap from losers who act like they're all that. These A-Holes roll out of bed and look like they don't even try, probably didn't even shower, but they still have that attitude like they're too good for you. So maybe I should put the dating off until I feel confident first. I'm sorry you're going through the drug dreams. That's no fun at all. Hang on as long as you can and this will pass. Thanks for being a very understanding person. *HUGS*
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I have the impression, that most girls are very attracted to manipulative assholes, even though it is obvious, that those poisonous cunts probably have more psychological issues than the persons they choose to abuse emotionally. The guys I know, that learned early, how to make women their emotional slaves have the least trouble to manipulate a girl into doing anything for them. If a relationship gets difficult, they get in touch with new partners and make the former look literally like a drug dependent love junky, that is constantly in pain, seeing the unworthy person they are attached to with a new one. It is really sad to observe.

If you do not want to get dumped by assholes, then don't meet with assholes (please don't get offended by this accusation). Assess the locations to meet new partners beforehand to create a common ground prior to meeting the person the first time and then try to just be friends at first. Today people far too quickly get intimate with others, they barely know. If you get into bed on the first or second date, men may find it difficult to integrate the experience and moreover may think : "Oh that was easy, I'm a real playboy, let's be rude from now on in order to test the borders"

That were my 2 cents in relationship building. =D
 
Hey closeau. Did you ever try visiting a buddhist centre/temple ? The people there usually developed an outstanding sense of compassion and that alone will give you strength in working on your inner conflicts, get to know your unadulterated self and understand emotions and their transitory nature better.

There is no drug that can rival the effects of inner self-confidence, that was built up through regular meditation in an established and stable sitting position. There will be no dogmas, just focus on your physical presence and a restless mind, that ultimately gets quite through regular practice.

In addition to that, the Buddhist Group can provide a peaceful family atmosphere and the Rinpoche (mastress/master) can guide you through the first steps. This community thing is not for everyone but it is ultra important for beginners.

I will also soon go back to a group after abstaining due to a western bullshit lifestyle and physical injuries.
 
K Actualy I have been to a Buddhist monastary fr a retreat when I practiced. Don't tactics anymore. Just worried about some people out here. Checking out. All looks calm
 
Just venting again, but it came to "Fuck you's" with my grandmother and I this morning because those 2 kids are STILL HERE! I've been in my room for days avoiding them like the plague, but there are too many people for one bathroom. My first complaint was having to run to the basement to use the bathroom. What set it off was early this morning I heard the dog's squeaky toy super loud so I yelled to stop with the fucking squeaky toy. It's early in the morning. Then the brats came out of her room talking and I yelled at them to "SHUT UPPPPPP!!!!" So my grandmother comes from the basement from doing laundry and she starts in like I'M the problem! I wasn't trying to hear that shit. I told her to stop talking to me and mentioned the toy this morning like she has no control.

Then she tries to make it seem like I make more noise. Bullshit. I've been in my room and haven't spoken to any of those bastards. I said "WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?" She said "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" I said "IT'S EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS!!!" Then I said "They don't live here." And she said "Neither do you." Where does she get that from? I've been living here before that bitch and she's lucky we took her in (a reason she got hurt due to my stupid fucking family), but having the nerve to keep kids over here for weeks is too much!

But I'm the bad guy right? Yeah, I told her "Fuck you!" Cause fuck her! I didn't ask for kids. When she lived at her own house she would always have grandkids over. Now that she lives here, that shit is here now. So yeah, fuck her. But I'm the bad person. I'll be the bad person. The person who owns this house says jackshit about it. They're all dead to me now.
 
Ugh. This is just going to make me feel nothing but guilt. It makes me physically ill. I bet my therapist would agree with me though.
 
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