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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 4)

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Hellome said:
Anyone have any info about how a positive drug experience can result in an "ego death" full of suffering? I'm starting to think that this is a large part of what I'm struggling with. Complete loss of self/ability to be "distracted" by life/connect with my emotions
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I would actually bet that the issue is too much "ego" and conscious self, and that ego death would be transformative. Ego death is associated with complete connection to the outside world, where the is no inner self and outside world that is "different" from the self, all appears to be one.
 
Cotcha Yankinov said:
I would actually bet that the issue is too much "ego" and conscious self, and that ego death would be transformative. Ego death is associated with complete connection to the outside world, where the is no inner self and outside world that is "different" from the self, all appears to be one.
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I have suffered a complete loss of my personality, emotional depth, motivation, interest, etc. BUT it's not that i'm just depressed and feel too down to connect to these things. It's as if a switch went off in my brain that just turned off my sense of self, my ability to "get distracted by life", as i like to call it... i feel incredibly empty, and it really feels completely irreversible. have you ever heard of this kind of situation? i guess it could be Dp/Dr-related but i just fear so much that I permanently altered something fundamental in my psyche... i can't switch it back on
 
Hellome said:
I have suffered a complete loss of my personality, emotional depth, motivation, interest, etc. BUT it's not that i'm just depressed and feel too down to connect to these things. It's as if a switch went off in my brain that just turned off my sense of self, my ability to "get distracted by life", as i like to call it... i feel incredibly empty, and it really feels completely irreversible. have you ever heard of this kind of situation? i guess it could be Dp/Dr-related but i just fear so much that I permanently altered something fundamental in my psyche... i can't switch it back on
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I feel exactly the same. Lost nearly all my interrest and hobbies, emotions and so on. The only thing that keeps me up a bit is the hope that it eventually will get better over the next few years. There are some people that were at the same point and they had the power to go though years of hell to finally improve and get normal again.
I'm going to take AD's over the next 2-3 weeks because they make me feel kind of normal and try to mix it with curcuma and then try to stay at curcuma (because of the side effects and withdrawal).
Try to find a medication/supplement that stabilizes you
You're not alone, I used to enjoy life before MDMA, I was very interrested in chemistry and biology and spent hours every day with passion on it. I never was a social person but my hobbies and going outside always made me feel happy and good. I just hope some day I will feel the same…
It actually improved in this year (1st year), but there is still a long road to go.
 
Hellome said:
I have suffered a complete loss of my personality, emotional depth, motivation, interest, etc. BUT it's not that i'm just depressed and feel too down to connect to these things. It's as if a switch went off in my brain that just turned off my sense of self, my ability to "get distracted by life", as i like to call it... i feel incredibly empty, and it really feels completely irreversible. have you ever heard of this kind of situation? i guess it could be Dp/Dr-related but i just fear so much that I permanently altered something fundamental in my psyche... i can't switch it back on
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. The same thing happened to me. This is exactly how I feel.
 
Budal202 said:
No medications can help with that, but thinking can. I myself had a lot of problems with my ego and was able to almost completely destroy it just by writing in a notebook. I'm cured today so one more time I reinforcement that you guys have to WRITE, that's what cured me, it's terapy but the the psychologist is you, who better than you to understand YOUR problems.

It seems to me that people here just listen to what they wanna listen, ignoring advice from people who have gone through everything you went through and are better now. Stop focusing on brain damage, stop searching miraculous supplements, buy a notebook and write all day about what youre feeling, why you are feeling, know yourselves. It Maybe not be the cure but it sure will help a lot.
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I'm going to try this. Thank you.
 
Nambo said:
. The same thing happened to me. This is exactly how I feel.
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Have you ever heard of "ego death"? Do you believe you could've experienced this? I'm so terrified that I will never get my zest for life back
 
I haven't heard of the "ego death" term but I have experienced the loss of self and actually for want of a better word I feel I have been murdered. I assume it's the same concept. Basically who I was, how I feel, my personality, my zest for life, my ability to connect to people / situations has gone. I just feel empty, an imposter caught in my body. No conversation is natural, I'm acting. I know how society expects me to respond to a situation but it is an act. I don't genuinely feel the emotion. I know what the emotion should be and accordingly I produce the required response. This is mechanical and no longer a natural reaction. Eg someone tells a joke, you know it's a joke, you know it's meant to be funny, you understand when the punch line takes place and following which you feign the laugh. You act normal but you just can't enjoy the moment and laugh unreservedly without this analytical thought process going on. Sound familiar?
 
Nambo said:
I haven't heard of the "ego death" term but I have experienced the loss of self and actually for want of a better word I feel I have been murdered. I assume it's the same concept. Basically who I was, how I feel, my personality, my zest for life, my ability to connect to people / situations has gone. I just feel empty, an imposter caught in my body. No conversation is natural, I'm acting. I know how society expects me to respond to a situation but it is an act. I don't genuinely feel the emotion. I know what the emotion should be and accordingly I produce the required response. This is mechanical and no longer a natural reaction. Eg someone tells a joke, you know it's a joke, you know it's meant to be funny, you understand when the punch line takes place and following which you feign the laugh. You act normal but you just can't enjoy the moment and laugh unreservedly without this analytical thought process going on. Sound familiar?
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Yeah. My life in a nutshell. Has anyone on here felt this way and recovered from it? We're definitely suffering from severe Dp/Dr but honestly at this point it feels like there is absolutely no way out.... Like its so out of my control... I'm going to start journaling and everything you have all suggested, I just need some experienced reassurance that it is possible to get past this state and back into life... It almost seems that once you've seen life in this way, you can't unsee it. That's why I feel so hopeless.
 
Hellome said:
Yeah. My life in a nutshell. Has anyone on here felt this way and recovered from it? We're definitely suffering from severe Dp/Dr but honestly at this point it feels like there is absolutely no way out.... Like its so out of my control... I'm going to start journaling and everything you have all suggested, I just need some experienced reassurance that it is possible to get past this state and back into life... It almost seems that once you've seen life in this way, you can't unsee it. That's why I feel so hopeless.
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It seems that DP/DR is somewhat to blame for this state and indeed it is present in this condition yet by no means i think it is severe. Severe dp/dr involves extreme dissociation from the self and the surroundings so that it begins to concern the physical perception of yourself and the world. I may i assume that dp/dr you have is mild because you only assume you are detached from your true self due to not feeling yourself and the world like you used to. From that perspective i suspect that anxiety/depression is more likely to blame here, however the main problem is in my opinion chemical imbalance within the brain that tends to create such disruptive perception of the self, and yes chemical imbalance is considered to be the culprit of mental and emotional disorders.

In my case for example the only thing that pulled me out of my deep hole of anxiety/depression was medication which is rather unfortunate because before that i was taking many useful supplements, doing cardio and strength training every day, meditating and eating very healthy; i still do all of that nonetheless.
 
While my DP/DR seems to be getting better, my hppd seems to be getting worse. Ugh.
 
Mine isn't getting any better either, in fact I see more black floaters, and my tinnitus is a bit more pronounced. I also see flashes of light occasionally and still the occasional visual snow, things moving in peripherals. I think HPPD symptoms are separate from recovery...from what I've read they tend to get worse before they get better. If it gives you any comfort, Dr. Abraham told me trazodone would be fine to take since my HPPD is mild.

The left side if my face still tingles...man it's so annoying lol but it's not painful so I ignore it.
 
ADubbs said:
Mine isn't getting any better either, in fact I see more black floaters, and my tinnitus is a bit more pronounced. I also see flashes of light occasionally and still the occasional visual snow, things moving in peripherals. I think HPPD symptoms are separate from recovery...from what I've read they tend to get worse before they get better. If it gives you any comfort, Dr. Abraham told me trazodone would be fine to take since my HPPD is mild.

The left side if my face still tingles...man it's so annoying lol but it's not painful so I ignore it.
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Yeah, Im actually wondering about that. Could the trazadone be making it worse? I know he's well versed in the subject and I respect his opinion but it seems like there's also so much we don't know.
 
fnono33 said:
Yeah, Im actually wondering about that. Could the trazadone be making it worse? I know he's well versed in the subject and I respect his opinion but it seems like there's also so much we don't know.
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Its possible, but I doubt it. Anything that works on the 5HT2A receptor has that possibility....but what we do know is that anxiety and lack of sleep will Make it worse. Then again I only had one floater and very mild tinnitus before Mirtazapine, now I have quite a few floaters and louder tinnitus and occasional snow....none of which I had before. It's a double edged sword.....you don't want to take meds for fear of making it worse......but if you don't take meds you don't sleep....which will make it worse. And any of the sleep mess that don't work on serotonin are very habit forming....sucks ya know? this is why on my next doctors visit I'm gonna push hard for Belsomra....it is highly unlikely it'll interfere with recovery and works on totally different neurotransmitters.

I've had good luck the last 3 nights with 300mg of valerian root and 1/2 mg of melatonin. About 5 hours a night. THe amitryptaline wasn't doing shit.
 
Nambo said:
I haven't heard of the "ego death" term but I have experienced the loss of self and actually for want of a better word I feel I have been murdered. I assume it's the same concept. Basically who I was, how I feel, my personality, my zest for life, my ability to connect to people / situations has gone. I just feel empty, an imposter caught in my body. No conversation is natural, I'm acting. I know how society expects me to respond to a situation but it is an act. I don't genuinely feel the emotion. I know what the emotion should be and accordingly I produce the required response. This is mechanical and no longer a natural reaction. Eg someone tells a joke, you know it's a joke, you know it's meant to be funny, you understand when the punch line takes place and following which you feign the laugh. You act normal but you just can't enjoy the moment and laugh unreservedly without this analytical thought process going on. Sound familiar?
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I've had to do this pretty much everyday for years. It is truly mentally-exhausting having to 'act' in social interaction.
 
Hellome said:
Yeah. My life in a nutshell. Has anyone on here felt this way and recovered from it? We're definitely suffering from severe Dp/Dr but honestly at this point it feels like there is absolutely no way out.... Like its so out of my control... I'm going to start journaling and everything you have all suggested, I just need some experienced reassurance that it is possible to get past this state and back into life... It almost seems that once you've seen life in this way, you can't unsee it. That's why I feel so hopeless.
Click to expand...

Yep, i felt exactly like that and I'm 100% recovered. But even I have difficulties to understand what really cured me. I can't say that one method or other will work, maybe something that did worked for me maybe doesn't for you, but i can asure that you can come back from that state and become normal again because that happened to me. I am exactly the same person now, only more wise and with total control of anxiety. I sware to you guys i was stuck in a state exactly how Nambo described. It may be something chemical along with psychological, when you feel this emptyness you problably assume that you'll never gonna be the same and you have no idea how this thought can become a fuel to mantain this depression/depersonalization/LTC.

Every time I think about something that could help I tell you guys, and I think that you must accept this emptyness and embrace it you know. Like Eliot from Mr. Robot, he's so fucked up but still cool. Tyler Durden from Fight Club was fucking crazy, an he was awesome. If you accept this condition maybe your concerns will decrease, along with your levels of stress, your mind will have time to recover, because you will be more relaxed. One thing that happened to me was that one day I just stopped caring about my own life and I thought, what , in this condition, possibly do to contribute to humanity? I stopped paying attention to what was happening to me and it also helped to reduce the stress level of my minds, and suddenly one day you realized that was totally disctracted in conversation for like half an hour. For 30 minutes you forgt all. Over time this begins to happen more frequently and when you realize, you are living again.
 
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