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April Getting/Staying Sober and/or Clean vs Not Fooling Around.

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THECATINTHEHAT said:
Got a week off opiates/benzos/drink again yeah. First signs of some cravings today but nothing serious.

If you are seriously trying to get clean some sort of meeting might be useful for you, don't discount it from the get go. Why are you keeping smoke/kratom around if you are trying to stop using them? Anything yu keep around will end up getting used I can pretty much garuntee that.
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16 days now (unless I decide to reset it after taking two extra klonopin to stop a severe panic attack about 10 days ago. Otherwise its been taken only as directed for my anxiety which is 1mg 3 X per day...I actually found it more useful to take .75 mg 4 times a day but not more than the total of 3 mg/day.

Thanks for your response. Congrats on one week!:) Went to a couple NA and AA meetings but I just don't like the whole powerlessness aspect of it, also it feels like a cult and a substitution of one addiction for another.

I understand the importance of surrender but I don't find it useful to see myself as completely powerless.

I looked into other meetings that are not 12 step and plan on trying that out, SMART and SOS meetings. There is also alot of underlying depression and anxiety which were always a problem for me so I don't feel like focusing solely on the addiction thing is addressing the root causes.

As far as keeping things around, it gives me peace of mind in many ways. It reminds me that I'm not powerless and its good to know its there for someone like me who is prone to meltdowns, racing thoughts and panic attacks...just to know that if I started totally loosing it it is there.

Also when its not there I think about it alot more...in dreams and in obsessing about obtaining more...I'm kind of a hoarder so maybe that is part of it too but I will considur what you said and considur getting rid of it...at least for these 100 days...thats all I can commit to for now. Still wanting to believe I can go back to puffing and even kratom but only once a month after the 100 days are up but of course theres always the possibility of decieving myself.

I just like to be able to look at it, smell it, know its there and still feel no desire to use it. Reassures me that I am still in control of things and being successful in my sobriety by always having the option to use but never caving in.
 
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26 days off of tryptamines and phenethylamines. Also, I am finally quitting weed. I need to pass a drug test if I am going to get a better job, plus I don't want girls that I talk to to judge me for being a stoner. 2 days off of weed. I feel like now that I'm going clean (except for an occasional drink) I am finally growing up in a way. I've been either smoking weed or using drugs off and on since I was 15 and now I think I'm ready to finally put all of that behavior behind me and find new ways of spending my time.
 
Chugga chugga, choo choo! Made it through day 2..... again.

Took my younger cat in to get fixed last night, I have to go pick her up today. It made me very unsettled to leave her in the hands of a stranger, but I know it's their job and they do it every day. I can't wait to see her, I hope she is ok!
 
Trying to get off of my 50 milligram dosage of Seroquel. Replaced it with Diphenhydramine last night and it seemed to work very well. Seroquel's hormonal effects make me feel uncomfortable.
 
RecoveringPothead said:
16 days now (unless I decide to reset it after taking two extra klonopin to stop a severe panic attack about 10 days ago. Otherwise its been taken only as directed for my anxiety which is 1mg 3 X per day...I actually found it more useful to take .75 mg 4 times a day but not more than the total of 3 mg/day.

Thanks for your response. Congrats on one week!:) Went to a couple NA and AA meetings but I just don't like the whole powerlessness aspect of it, also it feels like a cult and a substitution of one addiction for another.

I understand the importance of surrender but I don't find it useful to see myself as completely powerless.

I looked into other meetings that are not 12 step and plan on trying that out, SMART and SOS meetings. There is also alot of underlying depression and anxiety which were always a problem for me so I don't feel like focusing solely on the addiction thing is addressing the root causes.

As far as keeping things around, it gives me peace of mind in many ways. It reminds me that I'm not powerless and its good to know its there for someone like me who is prone to meltdowns, racing thoughts and panic attacks...just to know that if I started totally loosing it it is there.

Also when its not there I think about it alot more...in dreams and in obsessing about obtaining more...I'm kind of a hoarder so maybe that is part of it too but I will considur what you said and considur getting rid of it...at least for these 100 days...thats all I can commit to for now. Still wanting to believe I can go back to puffing and even kratom but only once a month after the 100 days are up but of course theres always the possibility of decieving myself.

I just like to be able to look at it, smell it, know its there and still feel no desire to use it. Reassures me that I am still in control of things and being successful in my sobriety by always having the option to use but never caving in.
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As far as surrender goes I don't personally believe that's an important part of the process, for me having big emotional and theoretical events like that standing in between someone and their supposed success in recovery is counter productive. I believe all you require is a desire to change your life and the willingness to do something about it, but I'm certainly no expert (if there is such a thing).

You may well be able to go back to using the drugs you are currently trying to straighten out on I couldn't tell you that, but a mental reliance on having a substance around even if you're not using it is not a great sign. Don't get me wrong it's really common, but to me it's certainly indicative of a mind that isn't really on board with the idea of fucking these substances off if they keep causing you problems and I think you do need to be approaching the situation from that point of view really. Just an opinion.

Certainly I would not be keeping them around as a means of purposefully testing yourself, stopping taking drugs is more than hard enough for most people without purposefully making it harder. You should consider whether you really want that easy option to hand when shit hits the fan for you in some description (which it will!). Getting and being clean is one thing, doing that when things are going well is easy. It's staying clean when things are bad which is the real problem for lots of people, and having your drug of choice just there as an opt out when these situations roll around is awfully brave/foolhardy.
 
I am doing really well on my oxycodone taper, I went 22 hours between doses without a single withdrawal symptom. However, I did take Lyrica and 100 mg Tramadol last night, which made a world of difference. Recovering Pothead, I am a little bit like you in that I like to hoard, but only certain things. My house is not full of magazine, old mail, etc or garbage. I do hoard medication... I never know when I will not be able to afford meds so having a backup is crucial to my peace of mind. TB H: Lyrica makes me feel high, especially the day after. I need to keep the Lyrica for w/d when I complete my taper and jump off the oxy's completely. I feel stupid b/c I looked at my Lyrica bottle and had 4 refills on it that I did not utilize. I did not like to take Lyrica at the time it was prescribed for my back/nerve pain. Oh well, water under the bridge... I will have to have a stash of oxy when I quit so that I feel secure, and not panicky, in case I have a flare up of pain and really need it. For example, I have a stash of the generic form of Midrin, a medication for migraine headaches that, I was told, is not being manufactured anymore. idk. Once I accumulated my stash, I got one or two migraines in the past couple of months, and only used about 4 of the pills. Before, I used to crave them all the time, but knowing I can have a lot of headaches and the pills are there to treat them, makes me feel so much less stressed out. I am going to need to stash a lot of oxy's to ever feel secure, that's for sure. And it is one of the biggest motivating factors in tapering and jumping off. My goal is for the day I go to my pain doctor, get my script filled, and just lock it away in my waterproof/fireproof box with the rest of my pills and impt papers, and not have to take a single one, until the day before my next appt, so that my ua shows some in my system.
 
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CH: That is awesome!! Congrats on almost 6 months... as you know, 6 months is quite the milestone in the rooms of the 12 steps.
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
As far as surrender goes I don't personally believe that's an important part of the process, for me having big emotional and theoretical events like that standing in between someone and their supposed success in recovery is counter productive. I believe all you require is a desire to change your life and the willingness to do something about it, but I'm certainly no expert (if there is such a thing).
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I agree, the word "surrender" tends to have a negative connotation. It also gets misconstrued as surrender to God or something like that (it doesn't). Essentially, for me surrender means accepting the fact that I am an addict and I cannot use drugs successfully. After I accept this fact, then I can start to take action on how to improve my situation.

As for the cult stuff, I remember that feeling. The 12 steps are very much a culture but they are not a cult. Remember, every meeting is different. I do hope you can find a SMART meeting locally. SOS doesn't really have much of a "real world" presence at all IIRC
 
Picked up new glasses today.. my preciption had changed.

When I first put them on it gave me a sensation of all the nasty parts of opiate use and I thought about how long I had felt that awful for.. and that was when I was actually feeling "good."

Very thankful today that I no longer have to feal that misery. Very thankful.
 
Godspeed to each one of us and our recoveries. Active addiction is somewhere I hope to never be again. I have 9 months clean off amphetimine and regular opiate use and 2 months clean of opiates completely - i was taking morphine once or twice per month since last July but even just chipping like that was still a huge hinderance to my recovery; typically setting me back a week at a time with depression and lethargy.

I feel so much better now. Exercise is an essential ingredient for a good day, otherwise I have no energy. But it beats the hell out of being dependent upon pills in order to feel good and/or have a good day.
 
Hear hear! I second that ^

Congrats everyone on the journey wherever you are at! I have 8 months. Last DOC I was using was opiates… for about 2 years, mostly Heroin. Had 8 years off all the stuff prior but it is what it is… I'm finally at a place I am grateful that relapse happened as it woke me up again to my current reality.

Just got back from visiting my mom out of town. I don't know if I could have done it without being clean. Not at a place I was at… She would have known based on how I looked. I finally don't look sick anymore! Still have some rebound sx but nothing in comparison to being sick every morning, couldn't get out of bed without using to start my day. Feels good to not need a drug to live my life. :)
 
neversickanymore said:
Picked up new glasses today.. my preciption had changed.

When I first put them on it gave me a sensation of all the nasty parts of opiate use and I thought about how long I had felt that awful for.. and that was when I was actually feeling "good."

Very thankful today that I no longer have to feal that misery. Very thankful.
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That is a very interesting thought... I hope to be there one day.
This "good" feeling is just death in disguise.

The truly good feelings begin when the changes begin.
 
You guys are doing great it's so nice to see so many positive updates ;)
 
i almost relapsed today but luckily the dope spot that i went to didn't have anybody that had molly. I'm lucky and thankful that I didn't relapse. I got home and thought to myself, "molly is a waste of money". I don't want to waste money on molly. Even if i had a ton of money I wouldn't want to spend the time on rolling when I could be spending time doing something better. The only thing I really want is to be righteous and to be with a loving young woman. None of what I want has anything to do with drugs, I just find myself trying to get drugs out of habit. It's a terrible habit that I really need to break. Doing drugs doesn't match my values, I want to be a strong mature man and doing drugs in my opinion is immature and weak. I am going to change my habits. No more drugs for me, not even weed. I am going to be a righteous man and do the right thing, which for me is to be clean.
 
Me too… I've been in that situation, once I was out of town looking for my DOC and the spot I found only sold something else. When I woke up the next day I was so glad this was the case.

I hear so much enthusiasm for 'life' on this thread, over drug use. I'm so grateful for the courage today to keep moving on, no matter what.
 
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