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but anyways I'm just wondering and stuck wondering this- "why does this shit keep happening to me and my dad/family"? I owed no one anything I was the happiest in my life, I slowed down on every drug and was feel great having a steady stash I pain meds and benzo's/soma's and then BAM my house is on fire and we were growing herb... Yep, the asshole fire Marshall went into an uneffected room (grow room) which was locked and for a fucking reason. The fire wasn't even close to that spot and didn't even touch it either! So I had to go with my gf and her mothers bf to her house with our dogs while I left my dad and my brother behind... They told me to go and I feel like a fucking pussy coward! NOW! ... But anyways he got jailed I posted his bond (when he was to get a PR bond but he ha a fucking bitch of a judge- I hate her till and after her death....) and me and my brother who was there with him came and got me. I was off my meds for two days now pain meds and Xanax so I wasn't in the right mind at all so everyone was taking advantage of me like a fucking child... I didn't know what to do go with my brother to get my dad out or stay at my gf's shitty ass trailer that reeks of piss and shit since they have too many animals and had to sleep on this metal ass bed thing with slight "cushion" which totally fucked my back up even worse too... While come to find out after HOURS of waiting after we bailed him he got out but I was gonna kill myself in the detention centre parking lot with a note and my brothers .40 too. I cocked it made sure it had hollow points but even better it had Hydra-Shocks which would have blew my brains out and I would have passed without pain. While a bit till my brain steam gets cut... While thinking and cocking it then puting it in my mouth I held the hammer and trigger which made it not slap the firing pin... Aka it didn't go off and the person next to me was crying cuz they thought they were gonna see a person blow his head off in front of the police, she jumped out (very hot chick that I would have loved to be with but anyways-) she jumped out as I was playing Modest Mouse - The World At Large and as I saw the gun didn't go off I cocked it again this time right put it in my mouth- now look at it this way, I had the windows down so the police would hear it and everyone would and they'd see and I left a not blaming the fire department, police departments, that judge, the system, etc... I was thinking "hey if I killed myself they may just slap my dad with a small fine and end the legal shit" but as I was going in for the 2nd shot this chick jumps out and grabs it and says crying "please don't, I know it's hard, but it'll get better..." So I did as she said BUT called my uncle who lived not too far who takes the same meds I take so I called him up told him what's up he came ASAP man. I left and went home with him, my mom was there due to her hearing the news so he picked her up to comfort her cuz no one not even the police knew where I went and everyone was going ape shit to find me. Long story short I cried with my mom and we both asked why is all of this horrid pain and bad luck happen to us of all people?... Then I took 4mg of xanax got my mind right and my uncle gave me 8 perc 10's to take. Which I did- but an hour later I get a call from a random number. It was my dad! & brother! Such a relief so much so it felt like I shot up 2 30mg roxi's and told them to come get me my moms drunk as fuck and I don't want to deal with her conspiracy theory's of why my house had a fire it was stressing me out even more I just wanted to stay buzzed and lay on the lazy boy... So they came and got me and we went to my brothers house and got rightfully fucked up and are good ass food too. The police took my guns didn't charge me or my gf left all my pills in my name and not and so I took all of that with me and just got fucked up as hell with my brother and my dad as my brother was doing lines of flake coke the pure shit and it was an amazing reuniting feeling. I thought I lost my only friend in this whole world to the system and my only dad too. Horrid night and horrid next day too...
I can't take trippy drugs I freak out never once had a good trip and in this state if you read my whole new fucking issues you'll see why and how I shouldn't even touch a fucking acid blotter. Plus I hate trippy drugs man no offense to you man but I'm never giving that bullshit a try even if it's pure and I'm in a good state of mind atm I won't and will not be even if I went to another place which I can't even if I wanted too. Thanks though but I'll stick to what I do and know I can do to help combat this shit.
I'll look into it and have Valiums on deck and Xanax too but I had hash oil that flips me from feeling depressed and so mad that I think that and maybe a bit of a weak shroom that would be great.
I personally would NEVER EVER do this no matter what... I'm so depressed, lonely, have extreme anxiety, and PTSD/PPD too so I think I would have a HORRID trip even on a low dose and I would feel crazy if I didn't have my Valiums and Xanax/Temazepams and took them on any form of very, very weak shroom or anyother soft and weak psychedelic/psychedelics... Anyways I've been crying my eyes out the only the that helps me at the moment is being with my girl friend who got back with me after all the shit that happens so fast and didn't even have any other relationship and wanted me back even with my problems and illness and pain issues as well. We understand each other waaaay better so we are very close and very open sexually with each other and now are become one rather than two if you understand which makes me happy but that doesn't stop me from feeling so bad that I wanna just die; so I'm trying, but I keep becoming suicidal... :'( I really hate all that's happened... Lost my home to an arsonist and have lung cancer and pain issues to start with... I really just wanna die knowing I'll probably just die any damn way from this illness... I got only like 4 friends max? I'm not counting and high at the moment too. Anyways I'm very lonely and rarely see most of my friends and when I do they're either busy tired and or have to go home to help with dinner and or other shit like work. For example my GFs mothers boyfriend is only 3 years older than me so he's like my older brother and looks like an older me too ha. He has to work all the fucking time and I see him more than my other homies but still I barely get to hang with him and shit so I just hang with my dad everyday and when my GF can come to the place I'm at now till we get a rental home she has to come over whenever and live at a friends so I'm so lonely with all these changes and just not use to any of this at all! :,( I spend every day just fucking smashed on Soma, OxyContin, (& other opiates I get and can get a lot of different ones too at the moment too) benzo's [Diazepam, Alprozalam, Temazepam] but I don't really use them nearly as much as my OxyContin's, Soma's, hash/herb, Lortabs, Tramadol's, & Gabapentin. Basically just totally fucked up and hang with my dad which is pretty fun and funny when we watch stupid shit on youtube and watch like Strain Hunters too which he loves, so it have a blast being plastered all day long and hanging with him and my GF when she can come over but you can see how this can become depressing and yes this is sad... I know this but this is my life right now... Shit IMO but at least I have the little things and my medications too/my dad and GF/my GFs mothers BF too. Still I feel so lonely at times when my dad has to go to do some shit or do something for me. So I then hang high as fuck with my little hound dog and chill listening to music and cry my eyes out when I listen to music I feel I have to to have something to relate to and even relate to the artist too. As well as I feel I need to cry instead of keeping it all in cuz I have a lot of crying and just being sad a lot sadly... Please someone talk to me... I have no one to talk to when my dad has to do thing an mostly a lot of things for me so I'd like to have like a friend to talk to on her you know? Thanks if you read this and want to be my BL homie just to talk and so I can vent and get good life advice and advice in general for me too. Thanks, Edaw
