TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[jason916]

My only question with regard to the whole suicide support topic is what if it doesn't get better, your dreams don't come true, your broke, unemployed, bankrupt and your wife loves someone else. I mean add to that a jerry springer childhood and some of us have good reason to want to leave this world. If your situation isn't this bad then stop your shit life hasn't been nearly as bad to you as me.

 

[herbavore]

My only question with regard to the whole suicide support topic is what if it doesn't get better, your dreams don't come true, your broke, unemployed, bankrupt and your wife loves someone else. I mean add to that a jerry springer childhood and some of us have good reason to want to leave this world. If your situation isn't this bad then stop your shit life hasn't been nearly as bad to you as me.

Hi Jason. Yes, I have never liked the "it gets better" promise because "it" does not necessarily ever get better. What can and does improve with a very difficult and focused intention is how to retrain how we experience and live with emotions. Most of us get scant help if not downright damage (your Jerry Springer childhood) on how to live as an emotional being. No wonder this country is in an opiate epidemic--everyone is at war with themselves and no one has a clue how to stop it. Here is what I can say from the vantage point of age: life has been surprising. My penchant for expecting the worst has both happened and failed to happen--never in the predictable ways. People I wanted to love me had other plans. People that wanted me to love them suffered when I could not reciprocate in the way they needed. Wonderful people I wanted to save died and people that do nothing but destroy everything and everyone around them go on living; as my mom always said, "Who ever told you life is fair?" It seems to me that our only real tools for making life bearable> acceptable>meaningful>miraculous are these: imagination, resilience, acceptance and a healthy love of exploration. Most pain comes from creating dreams around false paradigms ("Someone will love and accept me for who I am even though I have no clue who I am and I don't love myself").

But quantifying how shit someone's life has been is a false paradigm as well. We can always find people who are suffering from outside circumstances more or less than we are. That misses the point of emotional suffering. People can feel hopeless and ready to opt for death no matter what life has thrown at them or given them. Compassion stems from understanding that you do not have to be in Syria right now to know what suffering feels like.

All the things you outlined that are causing you to feel hopeless--unemployment, bankruptcy, rejection, broken marriage lie on the surface of your life. There is something deeper that needs attending and only you can attend it. I am sincerely sorry for your childhood. I was a teacher for many years and the pain inflicted intentionally or unintentionally on small children breaks my heart. But I have seen children thrive or go under in the exact same circumstances and that has always made me ask, "why?, how?" I think it comes back to those tools I was talking about above. Find those tools and put them to use. Try not to waste your time and resources on undermining yourself. What you need from within is compassion and encouragement not fatalism and blame.

 

[Ziiirp]

Awesome post by herbavore again. At the moment it seems to me, there is a layer, that most of us don't understand or did not have access to, yet. The spiritual layer. I can throw in a few buzzwords like "Karma" and "Samsara", but I guess we have to understand, that what we perceive is not necessarily, what is. Even if science can ease the struggle on the upper most layer of life, there remains the underlying unknown level, that most of us are too sidetracked to research. It needs time and introspection. Not necessarily drugs. Just a special pillow and a quite place.

 

[Randylahey]

Hey guys wanted to shed some information on my story......i tried 3 grams of heroin the first time a few weeks ago....at first i got sick and wondered why anyone would ever smoke something that makes them ill....being the bill nye science guy i am i chose to guinea pig myself and dive deeper instead of trading out my black to sing those 30 blues like ive been doing since the age of 16 (iam 24)....once i got over the vomiting i was hooked like i just saw the love of my life bending over in a skirt while eating iceccream (your my sister!!!! Your my sister!!!!! Joe dirt reference) i just moved to northern arizona about 3 and a half hours from the plug to keep myself from transitioning into hobo junkie status. You guys ive thought about death so many times but you know we live in the future. They are coming out with such badass shit at an an exponential rate it would be a shame to miss such advancements that will improve the quality of life dramatically...(minus IRobots and terminators of course)...ya im sad and i still am madly in love with someone who i cant forget and let go..(shes with my best friend)..but i created this reality and need to take responsibility if I want to step up ti the plate and crush life...theres a great quote in trailer park boys... :set it free; if it comes back; it yours, if not; your an asshole." I think we all turn to drugs because there are variables in life and traumas that hurt us so deeply we in turn stuff emotions deep down along with all the compacted shit. W/ds are so hard because they amplify all the reasons why i started using in the first place.....opiates are a great "fuck it suck my dick" drug and it was great telling people what was really on my mind and not giving a fuck what they said cuz i was rolling yachtzee every fuckin roll in dopamine land. I dabbled lightly with perks simply because im not stacking fat papes so i never felt wds in all my years doing opiates but after binging those 3 grams as a newbie then quitting cold turkey made me have a whole newfound respect for people who deal with this condition....i feel all you dudes n dudets who say they relapse based on the insomia and RLS......if i wouldve known what would hapoen to my sleeping schedule i wouldve thrown that shit ti the birds (just a phrase P.E.T.A homies) plz feel free to message me if any of you guys n gals need support getting through this self servrd kick to thr nuts. One love!!!!!

 

[Erikmen]

Thanks for sharing Randylahey! And welcome to Bluelight!

Heroin is a devilish drug and still lots of people fall in love with it. It will always comes first. It will destroy everything and everyone we know. At some point it's probably going to be the only thing one thinks about and it's lethal. It can make us the worst people and even when people quit it stalks you because it's now annexed to your brain's receptors, so to speak. Wish it had never happened. The same applies to all sort of opiates, but with heroin death is usually more unexpected and it hurts everyone we love. People lose their jobs, their health, their moral standards and so much more.

I have once read a poetry written by a Bluelighter a long time ago. It was a masterpiece and I will never forget, I can't find it but it pretty much sums up everything you are saying.

Much peace!

 

[finis]

Since I am Greenlighter I can't post quotes but this is in regard to psychedelic drugs as medication for depression and pain.
ketamine infusions have been used a long time in Europe as a valid medical treatment for the worst depression and physical pain. Here in the US there are a few clinics but I think it is out of pocket, no insurance taken is taken in the US, not sure. But who has medical insurance anyway.
Ketamine infusions are even given to children who suffer Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, where pain can attack feet, hands, anywhere from a simple ankle sprain or flu shot. You don't hear a lot about it because it is ignored by doctors and therefore misdiagnosed. There are not too many cases, I think 200,000, in the US, mainly because 60% of CRPS patients committ suicide within the first year of diagnosis. There is no cure for CRPS but Ketamine can give a year or two pain free. The infusions are done out-patient over a four day period in 4-6 hour sessions. Get on YouTube to see how this is done, these will show people, even kids, having this awful/wonderful treatment done. I speak mainly of physical pain here since that is my malady, not CRPS but now bed ridden.
Ketamine apparently works even better for depression, under the supervision of a physician. You will find that on YouTube also. Maybe one person here will find relief.

 

[hungryman52]

So everything came boiling down to a point today. One of my beast friends and mentors died three days ago, they day after that I broke up with my girlfriend after a 2 year relationship, I quit drinking sugars coffee and I can't get a job. My mom messaged me and told me what a terrible son I was out of the blue last night and now I am finnished. I was feeling so sorry for myself today it was fucking rediculus, I applied online for walmart and realized that even if I got the job, I would rather die, and then I realized with my failings in life beeing so numerous. I may as well just die. So Tonight I will think it through, I will prepare some sort of a letter as from my understanding this is the wya to go if there are things yoou want to tell people without them trying to stop you from killing yourself. I have tried multiple ways off killing myself before and have failed miserably, I still have scars on my wrists, and I am not a cutter, it was a legit attempt at suicide, only someone walked in on me doing it. STupid me for doing it when people wwere nearby. Obviously it wasnt totally legit or I would have found myself a more lonely place to die, but all day today I have been thinking about it, and I have realized that my life will be nothing from here into the future. I am a nothing and will always remain a nothing. So why continue to exist? I have decided on enimas as I have tried swallowing pills and only woke up vomiting and had a ringing in my ears for 2 weeks so loud I couldn't even hear myself speak. I read up on the internet and discovered there are no over the counter pills that can kill you from swallowing, but that an enima can kill you even with just alcohol. So I wil be going to rite aid tomorrow and I will buy a couple bottles of some sleeping pills, I have not decided which ones yet. I have all night. I get the feeling I wont be sleeping tonight. I feel a certain clarity now that I know what I want. I actually feel very calm right now and sort of numb. I have been thinking of way I can kill myself all day and my main issue is that I am not sure what works for certain. Hence the searches tonight. I have a nice rubber syringe for the enima, people always told me I should try enimas, but I said I was never gonna stck anything up my ass. Sort of Ironic that the last thing I do is something I said I would never do I guess. I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on sleeping pills? I assume knowing myself, that this meesage is a last ditch effort at saving myself in the hopes that someone can talk some sense into me, but a larger part of me just wants to discuss how it is going to happen calmly and cooly and then do it tomorrow. Maybe people have some suggestions for what I should write as my suicide letter? I want to give my car to my ex girlfriend. and my clothes can go to good will. Along with my guitar, and my tablet and phone also to go to my GF. These are all my posessions, I also want to make sure that my girlfriend does not decide to turn back to drugs and use this as an excuse... I was considering a haunting threat, but maybe someone can come up with soomething better. I wanted to write something to my mom to let her know how good she was at pushing me over the edge and now look... but I think I can leave that part out. I don't really feel hateful anymore, I don't really feel anything and it feels good I have till 8am tomorrow it is now 10:48pm I feel as though I should go expiereince something for my last few hours, but if I felt like I had something to experience I probably wouldn't be doing this right now. Ok I am going to begin my letter. any input on how I should write this or who I should include would be most appreciated.

 

[Erikmen]

Why do you feel you are nothing? That's no best judgment from others. You decide what you'll be.Things change and this a final solution for a temporary problem imo. We can't suggest better ways to kill yourself but I can tell you that may be harder than you think. And life would be much difficult even ended up being impaired. Besides, who can guarantee that the other side is better. I wouldn't be so sure.

I suggest you try to solve thinngs and problems, instead of possibly making your life worse.how old are you? There's a quote saying nobody can hurt you without your permission. Dying will not solve anything, it would just hurt people immensely.

You have already tried and you know things can only get worse. If you are aware that you are sorry for yourself, then change and get around that. I truly hope that you come to terms with yourself and try to work towards making your life better.

 

[hungryman52]

I may not be nothing now. my hopes are that I will be soon. I wonder if the other side could be worse, or if there is a hell, or if I will just be a spirit cursed to roam the earth until the end of time, but then I think of the alternative. I will never amount to anything. and in the end. I will die anyway will I not? this is inevitable, I am simply speeding up the process. I have written my letter, it feels slightly incomplete, but I feel as though it gets the point across. I have made sure everything I own is in the hands of someone who may need it. Whether this will be followed through or not is not really up to me, but I guess a little faith never hurts. If I could be chucked in a dumpster and forgotten about to save money this would be my preference, but I have asked that I simply be cremated. I am not one to donate my body to medical science. don't ask me why. I just don't really like doctors or people all that much and I always liked the sound of cremation. It seems strange to care about what happens to your body after death..... I remember I buried my cat and I had nightmares every night that she was still alive and trapped in the box for weeks when I was younger. I don't want t be buried. I tried to find the spot again to dig her up, but me being unceromonios as possible I didn't mark the grave. I loved that cat, best pet ever, more of a dog than anything, truly an amazing creature. I have had a couple friends die from suicides and such and my granpa of heart failure, but I never cried, when that cat died I cried for weeks. it still tears me up and its been years. I miss that cat there will never be another like her. Anyway. I feel as though my letter is complete. my plan for suicide may not be perfect, but it is a plan. I feel as though I will have success. it is almost as if my whole life has led up to this final point. one failure after the next, when I put my all into something, everything goes bad, when I don't try nothing happens (as can be expected) when I try and let things run their course and avoid optimism or pessimism, things seem to just fall apart slowly around me. I feel so thwarted. Maybe you can call me a quitter, but at least I am not going to be asking for money from the state or some stupid shit like that. so nobody else has to take care of my incompetence. I am going to be the ultimate quitter. I actually feel as though I could sleep, which is rare for me on any given day. SO I think I will sleep now. and tomorrow we will see if I feel the same. I sincerely hope so, because it is time for an end to this bullshit. I deserve it.

 

[hungryman52]

Ok, so I am still alive I am not really feeling as hopeless as yesterday, but I feel it creeping in again. I have bought the pills and I have the syringe ready... I thought I had a mortar and pestle around here somewhere, but I guess not. I suppose as long as I have them broken up enough they will disolve in warm water. I am not really feeling hopeless enough yet, but I will be ready to do it this time when I am ready. maybe tomorrow, maybe later today. My future is fairly bleak. verging on homeless and alone. I don't really have many friends left anymore. The ones I do have arent even in this country. So I know my death wont really hurt others, for me this was always the hardest part of killing myself, imagining what people who knew me would feel when I died. I hate the thought of causing someone else misery so I can end my own. Now though. there are so few who would be hurt, it is easier and easier.. ANyway. Alive for now. My ticket is bought and I am ready to check out as soon as I am ready. Feels kinda good knowing I have a plan B for any evetuality. Walmart hasnt even responded to my application. You know things are bad when walmart doesn't want to hire you. So I guess I will give it one more day and then tomorrow I will put myself down for a really long sleep...

 

[hungryman52]

Not that it seems like this is much of a suicide support site. I guess I will just document this and maybe someone will find it interesting. I have some really interesting and somewhat ironic news. My ex called and said that she was going to kill herself. and I was like. SO am I!!! what a coincadinc. So she is flying over here on the 5th of July because the 4th is way too expensive. And I guess we have a suicide pact. We are gonna stick syringes up eachothers buts. its going to be a sad way to die, butt fuck it, better than living a sad life. I was thinking of waiting till my birthday, on the 15th... actually now that I think about it it should be the day after my birthday, taht way everybody can wish me happy birthday and I can respond and everybody will know I am ok, chances are it will take a long time for anybody to find out I have died. Then again. maybe its better to get it over with quickly in all senses....

 

[hungryman52]

I have once read a poetry written by a Bluelighter a long time ago. It was a masterpiece and I will never forget, I can't find it but it pretty much sums up everything you are saying.

I believe this is what you are looking for

"I destroy homes, tear families apart - take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold - the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome - try me you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave.
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell."



This is not mine and I would never claim it as my own. I am sorry I can't give credit where it's due, but there it is. I sent this to a friend of mine when I joined so I still have the email. thats how I found it.

 

[herbavore]

I PMed you Hungryman52.

 

[Erikmen]

I believe this is what you are looking for

"I destroy homes, tear families apart - take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold - the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome - try me you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave.
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell."



This is not mine and I would never claim it as my own. I am sorry I can't give credit where it's due, but there it is. I sent this to a friend of mine when I joined so I still have the email. thats how I found it.

Yes, thank you!

 

[Erikmen]

I won't pretend I know what you are going through but I can say I have been through a similar situation. You sound so honest, transparent and alive, yes alive. I believe that a big part of our problem is not knowing what they are, but in your case it seems you do know. If there was one thing I learned from my experience was that we can adapt to the worst scenarios in life. Not as fast as we would wish but we adapt, we adjust and somehow we move on. I assume that has to do with instincts. But I believe we can adjust to almost anything. I just hope you'd give some more time. Allow yourself to rethink about your decision.

 

[hungryman52]

Ok so this is also for herbivore. I am really sorry for worrying any of you. I was in a really really bad place there for a while. I would like to mention that PM's are not working for me at all, I just sent two really long messages to herbivore and I sort of put alot of time and effort into it and it is really unmotivating to write anything right now. Unfortunately this is one of those things, you can't just leave it for a couple of weeks till you feel motivated enough to try again. If there is any way of finding the messages moderators. I did say that it was autosaving it a bunch of times. I don't know if I can find those autosaves or if any moderators might be able to, but if you could find those messages it would be great. Otherwise.

Thank you so much for your kind message Herb, I wanted to let you know I really appreciate the time and effort you put into it. I really don't feel like explaining for the third time what was going on with me or how I got out of it right now, I will do so in the future maybe. FOr now though, it is important that you know not to worry, I appreciate your kind words, and I really want you to know I am ok and that you don't need to worry.

Forgive my short message, I don't really want to write this at all I am so unmotivated after those last two message I really wrote from the heart and knowing it is all gone is kind of depressing, but it is important that you can be assured that there is nothing to worry about. and know that I appreciate your time and effort in helping me.

 

[hungryman52]

So I said fuck it to sobriety, I broke through the detox wall and was like wtf, I am sober. YAY! Then I was like, this fucking sucks I havent been sober since I was 14 why the fuck should I start now, so I drank myself a 24 pack of beer... Then I ddrank myself a bpottle of stolen wine shhhhhhh, nobody knows... till yet. I feel so much better now, I have no idea why I tried sobriety, Very confusing. I nnoticed that I posted a thread of negativity and boooohoo, so I wanted to let people know that I was just really sober, I feel much better now. meth is great and all, but its so hard to get, so drink alcohol, cuse that shits legal YAY! The sun is coming up and people are wondering around me wondering what the fuck I am oing still awake and I can barely even eep my head up straight. OT feels great. I have made alot of mistakes in my life, but the worst mistake of my life is legal and its called alcohol and its bad, but I love IT@?@@ I have been tld by so many peolpe that suicide is bad and stupid and cowardly. I think that those people are just sad taht they couldnt kill themselves so they make me feel bad for trying where they failed and maybe succeeding. I work so hard at everything I do, I am a realy hard worker, but nobody wants to hire me because all the applications foir now are online. they dont even see my face. I try and hand in a resume and they are like wtf is wrong with you have you been on the tinternet yet to fill out an applivation, why the fuck are you giving me this paper called a resume??? I work like a mofo, and im straight up, they dont know what there missing bbut they dont even know who I am cause they ont even talk to me face tro face has to be all on the internet. WHy the fuck is that/? Now I dont have a job cause my whole life I was put into one school after another. I never even made it to highschoool. I got kicked out of 3 scgools and I fucked off all the rest, now I have to say I have a GED and that says failure alll over it. SO for the rest of my life I am a failure, even though I work harder than most, and I do my best in any situationk but as long as my online app sucks I will always be a fuckin bitch to fuckin throw to the side. I dont get it, I work so fuckin hard. I push every bouary of worf ethik and I work fuckin hard, but nobody will hire me ecause i didnt complete basic fuckin edumafuckincation fuccking cunts I try so hard and nobody will hire me because I have a bad history.It is not fucking fair. we all make mistakes, if we cannot correct theses mistakes then we are made of these mistakes and our life will be nothing but the mistakes which we hav made. How does this make sense, some rich kid fuckface bitch can get a jobe ahead of me just cause his parents have money, buut me, starving and desperate, I cannot get a job becuse my lif elooks bad and I didnt complete basic education, I work harder then any fucking college graduate, but here I sit complaining on bluelight. My life will be nothing forever. OH NOOOOO why do I wanna kill myself... OHH yeahh its cause this shit is fucking stupid, its sad, its pathetic, I a fucking crying right now because I try so hard, but becaus dont fit the agenda, I am wlrth nothing NOTHING!!!! No matter how ahrd I work, no matter how much I care, now matter how many eople aI help, I m worth nothing because I dont have a highschool diploma, I may as well be dad, because npbody cares abouta highschool dropout, I am just a pathtic excse for a mistake called a human beeing, simply because I dont understand the education system, and I work better without knowng that everybody ellse is bertter than me because they finnsihed better school tha me. I never had a chance, so I should just be homeess and kill nyslef right? Mkaes sense. The only reason I would be sober is to prove that I am somebody in a society that thinks I am nobody even thouh I work harder than eny other person I have met. I always work till my fucking head hur ts annd I always make sure the customer is satisfied, but because my online app sucks because I took drigs, I will always be a nothing. THis is the world today. Tis is waht we have come to. it no onger matters what you are, only who you fuckin sucked dick??? AS long as you knw someone youa re ok, otherwise, lkill ypurself now and save yourself the fucking agony of a pathetic existence. I am sorry. Really I am. I fuckin detoxed hardcore from alchol, and now I am drunk again, I just cant see a point any more, this life is sad, I fucking cry, my best friend and mento is dead, my grielfriend doesnt veen know hat life is and I feel so alone.... I am so fucking alone. My [arents hate me, they wish I was better and they dont understand what is wrong with me. I will nevr be anything and I will always fail. my life has been failure and I feek it now. IF I as a true human I would have killed myself already, but I am obviously to scared. whcich in a way maes me more derserving ob death. All I want right now is to drink more intl I forget. I wish you had gotten my messages herb, but this fucking site isso fyckinbg uncarinbg, you ever sa the compassin in me. this forum is just another inloing application. I tried so hadr to show you who I was. but nothing went through of course. LIfe wantes me dead. and I want to oblidge. I just want to d9e. wy ny right? I have never been anythng but a fialure. no matter what I fo. I send a thughtful message to eople who help me and iyt fails to send. I care and it is retirned n hate. I am nthing but failure, and when I die, people will only remember that I aused them so many problems, if only I had died sooner. People will be happier th sooner I die. OOOOOOH WAAAA WAAAAAAA ppor fuCkin me, cry me afuckin river you butch I a so sad cause people hate me cause I am a bitch. WAAAAAAAAAAAAA. if I was strohnger I would kill myself already, but I a weak and sad and pathetic and worthless. and here I am, on bluelight hahahahahhahahahhaha weeeeeeee. bitch fuckface ct bitch whore. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF/1/11111 anyway. peace out motherfuckers yeah. I wana stay sover for fuckin ever YEAH fuck yeah. oh eyah \. I am so fucking happy yeah... thanks guyss I LOVE YOU!!!!

 

[hungryman52]

I tred to read my posy. bt iyt hurts a lillbt, I am so fucking miserable, it kinda feels food, i wish you had gotte nmy oriinla meessage HErb auese it was wgpod. but of coure you doindt get the ohkky the goodd thing thta i sent, wy wuld yoyu. haha atherc. I Gicve p. I mat edd to sleep

 

[rarerran]

I had thoughts around the turn of the year about wanting to OD on heroin.

A couple months ago I came off Risperidone (my dr actually wanted me on a higher dose of it, but I wanted to come off it). And now I'm in a much better place and have more motivation and interest in things. tbh I think risperidone had to lot to answer for re how I was feeling while on it. It's really nasty s**t.

 

[Mikewashere]

I don't get this shit. Why do I love life so much but all life throws at me is sadness, hate, paranoia and regret. Thats my life story. I joined the military cuz I was a fuck up and all my friends where fuck ups and they where going to jail and I didnt want to. I didn't even have a h.s.d. or a d.e.g. thats how they get their disposable puppets they'll take any idiot that couldnt sit in school or concentrate on the whiteboard and especially do homework, really school work, at home, when I wanna do what I wanna do and that was skateboard every second I was awake I was on my board. I obviously had some learning problems and I definitely had a huge problem expressing emotions and feelings for people. I couldnt hurt an animal but hurting people made me feel better. So now, I got fucking blown up overseas, no legs, severe depression, anxiety, crazy ass paranoid thoughts. Just hate my life and the decisions I made or didn't. Cuz of the physical pain I now have an opiate addiction that makes life even more worthless. All they did was give me a dream, let me think I'm about to touch it, rip it away and everything I love to do away from me, like run, sk8brd, snwbrd, wakebrd, surf. Rock climb. Camp in isolation. Just take all that away from me and then give me a heroin addiction. cuz once the va got me on good pain management, they thought it a good idea to send me, and severely injuries person to a Dr who is totally against opiate use. There we go. So this douch take all my opiate pain pills away with no taper and sends me on my way. Wtf! I knew I shoulda stabbed him when I had the chance. I guess he did that to everyone of his patients with chronic pain and a few did attack him. So they transferred him. But by that time I was getting oxys off the street, and the va knew cause I wasn't prescribed opiates but I always popped hot for em and always at the extreme side. So they put in my paperwork that I had a opiate dependence. And then again by this time the oxys where getting too expensive, so I found something cheaper, That sweet lady H. And they keep telling me I need to get off of it. No!! You monumental douchbag! I need pain medication cuz my legs where blown off cuz off the places you sent me. But instead you tell me i have problems with h, even tho I need an opiate for daily comfort. Otherwise I'm in pain, miserable inside and out. And just have no want to include myself in life. I miss everything that I loved to do before this. Is miss women looking at me as a person, not a fucking assistance needing amputee with hella mental health issues. I have found hobbies that are ok. But nothing I do now come close to the feelings I got skateboardin or shooting people. I want that back! I want my life back. Now I sit around and get high all day felling bad for myself. Trying to get enough courage to kill myself. But I will not shoot myself in the head, I don't want to mess up my transition from this life to the other. I prefer passive suicide I would rather die from od or maybe cut my wrist but i don't want my family to have to see any of that that way I say passive suicide. I tell myself to at least wait till my grandparents and mom are gone. But then theres my nephew. Ugh. We always have so much fun doing shit. And I don't think I can do that to him either. Brother, sister, dad, aunts and uncles, eeh, they'll be fine. It just a few people that stop me from doing it myself. But once there gone, BOOM, me too I know my grandparents time is coming, but I have way to long to wait till my mom's dead. She had me when she was 20. So fuck I'll have to wait another 30ish yrs. fml. Is this normal thinking?