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I don't know what to do

sailor bugg

sailor bugg

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 2, 2014
Messages
732
My sleep is totally fucked up, I stay awake for 3 days and then get 1 night of sleep and then it repeats. I feel so hopeless and lost, I might as well off myself. It wouldn't make a difference if I was gone, I'd fade away into the dark and be forgotten. Really why do I bother? My life is worthless and has no point, and never will at this rate. I've never accomplished anything worthwhile and fallen short countless times. Maybe it's the lack of sleep and being alone at 4:30am with nothing but the thoughts of how worthless my life has been. I've tried to off myself three times and miraculously failed each time, well fuck this time it's going to work. I'll make sure to be somewhere where no one can get to me, shoot a half gram of dope and lay face down in the bath tub when it's full of water. If the dope doesn't kill me, I'll drown…… I really feel like this is what my only choice is. For once I'll have some control, the control to end everything. Fuck it, the more I think about this the more I want to do this. I really am not happy and want to stop all this. Soon…. soon…..
 
Just did a shot of dilaudid and the effects of sleep deprivation are lifting from me. I don't think I'll off myself, but I'm really at a point in my life where I'm really feeling lost. I mean like I'm doing some positive things, I'm attending an outpatient program for the next 8 weeks to help with my addiction to heroin, I'm clean from everything aside from the occasional shot of dilaudid to help cope with the physical and mental wear and tear from the sleep deprivation, I'm going to university and I have my own apartment that I'm paying the mortgage for. But I just feel like I'm not where I want to be at my age. And I've fucked up so much that I feel like I'm worthless.
 
The first post was sad, the second has lots of positive things in it!! Are any of us where we expected to be at our ages? I'm in my 40's and I know I'm sure the hell not. It sounds to me like you have a lot of things going for you. Everyone has moments when they feel they're worthless and don't want to be around, that feeling passes. Trust me, I'm the biggest fuck up there is at times!

Get help, go talk to someone, get your sleep looked at. Sleep deprivation sure does a number on a person, both physically and mentally. You get yourself in a healthy place, the rest will follow :)
 
I think it's the sleep deprivation that's causing me so much dysphoria, I'm getting on average one night of sleep every week. It's really emotionally/mentally/physically draining me. I really don't want to off myself, but with the way things are going I can see myself being so mentally taxed and drained that I make a stupid choice. It's just that I've fucked around so much for the last 6 years that I feel like I should be further ahead with my education or be starting a career by now. I have schitzoaffective disorder and bi polar and I've been stuck in a depressive state for the last two years and I just want something to get me out of this. I just feel like I have nothing going right for me, even though I'm trying to make my life better.

I'm going to phone my GP this afternoon and get her to script me chloral hydrate as that has worked in the past for me for insomnia.
 
I'm one who needs my sleep, so I get what lack of sleep does to a person. I can't even imagine what only a few hours a week will do to a person. I know when I can't sleep, I take meds for it (melatonin works well, for me at least, anything stronger and I'm fucked the next morning), exercise, warm bath, etc... I'm sure you've tried it all but it might not hurt trying again?

We all have those "should have" moments, but as far as I'm concerned, it's the 'here' that counts the most. You're going to Uni, have your own place, etc... you have more than most people have. My bipolar roomie is a junkie, spends more in a week on drugs than I bring in working every 2 weeks. He has nothing (but hoping things start turning around for him soon), and while I have a house, I can't makes ends meet to save my life, so I'm renting rooms out to strangers just trying to keep afloat, so you see, everyone has 'stuff'.

The sleep thing sounds pretty bad, but in all honesty, the rest sounds like the rest of us trying to survive in this world. The lack of sleep is doing things to you, as well as the other disorders. If you can get some of that under control, I think you'd be much happier. Depression is a bitch, I've been there, done that, many times, padded rooms, you name it and I know it can fuck with your head huge but there's help for that too. Just gotta tackle one issue at a time and know it'll take time to get things leveled out for you, but things usually have a way of settling down/working out, you just have to keep plugging away and believing.

I know I'm probably not much help, sure you've heard it all before. I don't know you obviously, but it sounds to me like you have a lot going for you, you just need to get some things sorted out so you can sleep and start feeling better, and thing will start falling into place in time. I hope for your sake you get your script and can get some sleep :)
 
Sorry for my ignorance but is the insomnia being caused by WDs or is this due to your illness? Either way, that level of sleep deprivation is going to compromise both your physical and mental health so I hope your doctor can give you something.

I hear so many people here on Bluelight say that their lives are meaningless because they have not "done anything" with them--and TBH I'm never sure what that means. We live in a strange age where people have these enormous and grandiose expectations handed down by a culture that says we must all stand out, all be exceptional, all achieve something that is proven usually only by possessions. I don't know how old you are but what ever happened to ordinary people stumbling through their ordinary lives being as kind and helpful as they could be along the way? I guess I feel lucky in a way that that was the underlying cultural expectation when I was growing up. I really think that media culture has amped this up. I think that being a decent human being, dealing with the brain and nature and personality that you were born with is quite an achievement! (BTW, you give wonderful advice on these boards and have probably helped dozens of people that you will never even know about).

Dealing with schizo-affective disorder and bipolar is a huge challenge. Dealing with addiction on top of that is even more incredible. I think you are a strong survivor and a model for how to keep working at it, even when it is hard. The trick is to not be so hard on yourself in the process.<3
 
Thanks for the input everyone :D Yea looking back on what I was thinking I realized that I do have a lot of good things in my life going for me. Sometimes I just get caught up in wanting to be somewhere in my life that's better, but in doing so I often forget that what I have now is pretty good. I think one of my main issues is that I've attended university for almost 5 years and don't have a degree. I took 2 years in engineering, then one year in math and physics, one year in philosophy and another year in organic chemistry. Luckily I've gotten scholarships and grants to pay for my schooling so I have no debt. It's just sometimes I feel like I've taken five years worth of school and don't have anything to show for it. Although I'm beginning to think university isn't for me. I went to university after high school because that's what seemed like I was supposed to do or what was expected of me. Now I'm thinking I want to go to a technical institute and do a program and get a more specific education (not just a bachelor in sciences. My brother has a B.A. and he's a dishwasher at a restaurant) so that I can get a career specific to the trade I learn.

Now that I've taken some downers and I'm not so strung out and worn out, I can think a bit more clearly. I know I'm trying to get clean, but I haven't slept in three days and was feeling like I wanted to kill myself so I think until I can get a sleeping med scripted to me it's okay to use when I've been up for days. It's the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end.

The insomnia is from my illness, I've had problems with it for years. I've been on every benzo hypnotic, tricyclic anti depressants, anti psychotics, z-drugs and chloral hydrate for it. Of all of those only chloral hydrate helped so I'm going to see my GP asap to get a script.

This whole one day of sleep per week is just to hard on me physically/mentally/emotionally. It has to stop or else I'm going to have a break down and every time that has happened I ended up in the psych ward for weeks.
 
I know you said you don't want to off yourself and that's good but I would be cautious about getting the chloral hydrate the so called "Micky Finn" drug because of its potency. I had depression problems as well as sleep and saw a shrink and he gave me Elavil or Amitriptyline. You take it at night its prescribed for sleep, depression, bed wetting, etc. Its been around for a long time and I had trouble at first with it leaving me groggy in the morning but a lot of people don't have that problem. You can get used to it regulating it properly. When my depression was taken care of I got off it because being in construction I wanted that get up and go feeling in the morning. I hope you can get yourself together and "Stay in School."
 
Chloral hydrate works better for me then any other sleep med I've taken. It doesn't leave me groggy in the morning, I never abused it, it puts me to sleep and keeps me asleep and I found it worked for months without having to up the dosage.

Yea school isn't to hard for me right now, it's just if this whole insomnia thing continues I don't know how I'll be able to pull it off. But I'm thinking of switching my education direction, so I don't know where that will go.
 
Something just irked me. I was talking to a friend on Facebook about my really bad insomnia caused by PAWS and from my medical conditions. He went on to tell me how coming off of heroin is nothing and that even people addicted for ten years can come off of it as easy as anything. He said addiction isn't caused by anything chemical, but purely from social reasons. He told me that if you just put yourself in a new social setting with lots of stuff to do and people around you that it would be really easy to come off of dope and you would just stop and have no cravings or withdrawals. He told me my addictions doctor is an idiot for telling me that insomnia is a side effect of quitting down and that I don't need sleeping meds to help me, but I need to meditate and stuff. I was like yea that's a good starting point to do breathing exercises and meditation, but sometimes you need medicaztions to help.

It just bugs me when someone with no understanding of the power of opiates, says they're a cake walk to come off of. Meanwhile he drinks a 6-pack a day, and says he drinks because he feels the need to.
 
Cool You can handle the CH and its no fun to abuse anyhow. Direction in your education should help as well as diversifying you interests. A couple beers before bed helps me to sleep now as my Oxycodone tends to keep me awake. Keep at it I'm sure you'll come up with an answer to your problems and BL is the place for answers. Again, keep at it. Donny
 
If you really want to sleep that bad, take 200 mg of Seroquel. That will keep you off for many hours and maybe the other will too be very drowsy.
Take 2 tablets a day and see if that´s worth it. Don´t plan on doing anything else though.
 
Seroquel doesn't help me with sleep. None of the atypical nor new antipsychotics do.

Yea I made an appointment to see my GP on saturday, hoping to get a script for CH or midazolam.
 
sailor bugg, I think your plan to switch to a technical program sounds great. The old model ( getting a BAin any number of fields) is not working for most people and yet we all keep acting like this is what you have to do to make a decent living.

Glad you got some sleep.:)
 
herbavore said:
sailor bugg, I think your plan to switch to a technical program sounds great. The old model ( getting a BAin any number of fields) is not working for most people and yet we all keep acting like this is what you have to do to make a decent living.

Glad you got some sleep.:)
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I've tried to sleep a few times today, but no luck :( But I'm getting really tired OI should be able to sleep tonight.
 
When my insomnia is really bad (and it can get really bad) and I literally have to give up on sleep, I put on something like Shpongle or Brian Eno, put one of those eye pillows over my eyes and let the music relax me. It isn't sleep but it isn't stressing about no sleep either so I call it a win.
 
I hate when I can´t sleep. I already never look at the time, don´t try hard. If it comes fine, if not I find something else to do. Problem is the next day - always too tired.
 
What Herbavore said, resting gets me by. Recently I had 36 hrs. without sleep and when I recovered I went for 42 hrs. The second time was just a test. I know its not healthy but as I said the Oxy keeps me awake so I would lay down and read. At my age I have to find things to amuse myself.
 
I got a script yesterday for chloral hydrate. Finally I'll be able to get some rest.
 
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