sailor bugg
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2014
- Messages
- 732
So here's the deal, I'm just going to make a short thread because I've been up for 4 days now and I'm in a space where functioning is starting to slip in and out of my grasp (just barely, it comes in waves).
So I have extreme insomnia. I've had this problem for the last year and a half almost. I have some ideas what may be causing it but they're varied (I have PTSD and frequently have nightmares, I am an ex heroin addict so it could be insomnia from PAWS, I was clean for 4 months after 3 years of iv use and then I used for 6 months smoking for 2 and then iving for 4 and now am 1 month clean and have been off methadone and subs for a month after being scripted 25mg methadone for 2 years followed by 2 months of 8 mg suboxone, I have ADD and take dexedrine, I've been on it for 7 years, 30mg/daily so the dex could be keeping me up, but I've gone off it for weeks at a time and no change in sleep) and sometimes it just seems like all of the reasons I can think of just lump up into one thing that I call my "I can't sleep thought" basically I'll get physically and mentally exhausted but in my mind I get this thought that I can't fall asleep and from there I won't be able to sleep. My mind is calm and body is heavy but it's like a switch in my brain fails to flip into the "sleep" mode position. It's like a 6th sense and when I feel it I know that there's going to be at least a few days of no sleep. Right now I'm at the point where every week I get one good night of sleep, one night of decent sleep but constant awakenings, usually from nightmares related to my PTSD and then 5 nights of being up with me on the whole feeling pretty damn normal for most of the first two days and then for the 3rd and 4th day I start feeling at first waves of strengthening mental and physical degradation, my cognitive functioning starts getting slowed down and my thoughts start becoming choppy. Physically I feel like every cell in my body is weighed down and it feel like I'm having a bad body load from something like too much MDMA. By the fifth day the physical and cognitive degradation is no longer coming in waves but stays and by the end of the day I'm so worn out and out of it I just pass out for like 12 hours and wake up feeling fairly normal. Then the cycle repeats.
So far for it I've been scripted attivan(2mg), xanax(2mg), clonazepam(2mg), temazepam (30mg), and finally chloral hydrate (1000 - 1500 mg) scripted along with 30mg temazepam. And none of that has any effect, aside from the temazepam and chloral hydrate combo which kinda makes me groggy but it makes me very moody and lowers my inhibitions so much that I act on my amped up emotions, which I don't like as it makes everyone around me not like me one bit as I easily flip out over nothing and it takes me a while to sleep so yea I'll pass on that.
I managed to acquire some 5mg midazolam ampules and iving 3mg followed by 2mg im makes me just sleepy enough to fall asleep easily. This is ridiculous my tolerance to benzos isn't that big because I don't even bother with what I'm scripted now (2mg clonazepam) because I know it won't help and i'll just build up a benzo tolerance that's not needed. I've also been on mitrazepine (30mg), trazadone (300mg), and almost all anti-psychotics meant for sleep. None of those really do much or if they do the side effects are not worth getting sleep over, they're extremely horrible.
I don't know what to do anymore this lack of sleep thing is finally wearing my body and mind out, I'm finding that each time the cycle starts over the negative effects get worse each week and now I'm starting to become like a loose cannon, I just flip shit at anyone who erks me. I can't even help it, it's like a knee jerk reaction, I'm just so stretched to my limit take if some one says or does something that rubs me the wrong way I just blow up and start screaming and yelling at them now. This is going to wreck all my relationships at the rate this is going. So far this only happens at home because when I hang out with my friends they all do d and usually will give me a few tokes just so I can not look like I'm death or flip shit, I only have a few really good friends so they understand and they don't want me to use d cuz they don't want me to end up getting addicted again cuz it helps with the mental and physical strain when I'm going on 4 days up, otherwise I don't do it if they are because I don't feel like shit.
The only thing I think that will work is gonna be like sodium amytl, seconal, nembutal or midazolam ampules. And all of those are going to be hard to get from my doctor just with my history as a drug abuser, especially heroin which is a downer like these. But like I have no want to abuse these at all, I used heroin to numb emotional pain from my PTSD but I've healed and accepted my PTSD and what not and I don't use any drugs anymore for emotional issues as I've kinda gotten past that point in my life. But my psych is kind of skeptical of that, so this could be a whole slippery slope issue. And I've OD'd a few times and with these drugs I know the margin of error is really low and an OD can just be a difference of a few pills, seeing as how my psych know about these situations and I know thats going to come up as an issue. Maybe if I suggest getting them dispensed once a day from my drug store so I don't have a large cache of them. I think that would be the best option, getting a barb once a day and just using that for sleep. Like I'm at the end of my rope, if he won't script me something new I know I'm going to get addicted to heroin because the mental and physical severity of this is just so bad I can't function with out it once it gets to the fourth day of being up, like I have trouble balancing, walking and just doing simple tasks.
And I also have a very active puppy to take care of and he's really full of energy and it's fine taking care of him for the first 4 days of the week but once it gets to that 4th day I'm just so out of it and I have so little energy I can't deal with him. I love him so much but I'm just worried he's gonna push my buttons to much and I'll just freak out at the little cutie pie. And I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever got so worked up at him that I took out my anger on him. Like people I don't care if I freak out at but not my puppy he can't help it and wouldn't understand. I'm really fucking scared that I'm just gonna scream at him when he gets all riled up and starts acting up at the wrong time.
I need help, any idea are welcome. Should I see a sleep specialist? I'd rather see my psych cause I've seen him regularly for 7 years and he know my medical history fully and all the previous meds and doses I've been on. And he's given me some pretty obscure meds before so I have a little hope. But he recently said he was gonna be more strict with my benzos because of my slip up with heroin after I became clean and then started dating my new ex gf who got me back into it. Everything is so complicated ugggh fuck and I don't have the energy to deal with all this. Maybe I'll just print off this post and say read this and then can you script me something new lol.
Thanks
So I have extreme insomnia. I've had this problem for the last year and a half almost. I have some ideas what may be causing it but they're varied (I have PTSD and frequently have nightmares, I am an ex heroin addict so it could be insomnia from PAWS, I was clean for 4 months after 3 years of iv use and then I used for 6 months smoking for 2 and then iving for 4 and now am 1 month clean and have been off methadone and subs for a month after being scripted 25mg methadone for 2 years followed by 2 months of 8 mg suboxone, I have ADD and take dexedrine, I've been on it for 7 years, 30mg/daily so the dex could be keeping me up, but I've gone off it for weeks at a time and no change in sleep) and sometimes it just seems like all of the reasons I can think of just lump up into one thing that I call my "I can't sleep thought" basically I'll get physically and mentally exhausted but in my mind I get this thought that I can't fall asleep and from there I won't be able to sleep. My mind is calm and body is heavy but it's like a switch in my brain fails to flip into the "sleep" mode position. It's like a 6th sense and when I feel it I know that there's going to be at least a few days of no sleep. Right now I'm at the point where every week I get one good night of sleep, one night of decent sleep but constant awakenings, usually from nightmares related to my PTSD and then 5 nights of being up with me on the whole feeling pretty damn normal for most of the first two days and then for the 3rd and 4th day I start feeling at first waves of strengthening mental and physical degradation, my cognitive functioning starts getting slowed down and my thoughts start becoming choppy. Physically I feel like every cell in my body is weighed down and it feel like I'm having a bad body load from something like too much MDMA. By the fifth day the physical and cognitive degradation is no longer coming in waves but stays and by the end of the day I'm so worn out and out of it I just pass out for like 12 hours and wake up feeling fairly normal. Then the cycle repeats.
So far for it I've been scripted attivan(2mg), xanax(2mg), clonazepam(2mg), temazepam (30mg), and finally chloral hydrate (1000 - 1500 mg) scripted along with 30mg temazepam. And none of that has any effect, aside from the temazepam and chloral hydrate combo which kinda makes me groggy but it makes me very moody and lowers my inhibitions so much that I act on my amped up emotions, which I don't like as it makes everyone around me not like me one bit as I easily flip out over nothing and it takes me a while to sleep so yea I'll pass on that.
I managed to acquire some 5mg midazolam ampules and iving 3mg followed by 2mg im makes me just sleepy enough to fall asleep easily. This is ridiculous my tolerance to benzos isn't that big because I don't even bother with what I'm scripted now (2mg clonazepam) because I know it won't help and i'll just build up a benzo tolerance that's not needed. I've also been on mitrazepine (30mg), trazadone (300mg), and almost all anti-psychotics meant for sleep. None of those really do much or if they do the side effects are not worth getting sleep over, they're extremely horrible.
I don't know what to do anymore this lack of sleep thing is finally wearing my body and mind out, I'm finding that each time the cycle starts over the negative effects get worse each week and now I'm starting to become like a loose cannon, I just flip shit at anyone who erks me. I can't even help it, it's like a knee jerk reaction, I'm just so stretched to my limit take if some one says or does something that rubs me the wrong way I just blow up and start screaming and yelling at them now. This is going to wreck all my relationships at the rate this is going. So far this only happens at home because when I hang out with my friends they all do d and usually will give me a few tokes just so I can not look like I'm death or flip shit, I only have a few really good friends so they understand and they don't want me to use d cuz they don't want me to end up getting addicted again cuz it helps with the mental and physical strain when I'm going on 4 days up, otherwise I don't do it if they are because I don't feel like shit.
The only thing I think that will work is gonna be like sodium amytl, seconal, nembutal or midazolam ampules. And all of those are going to be hard to get from my doctor just with my history as a drug abuser, especially heroin which is a downer like these. But like I have no want to abuse these at all, I used heroin to numb emotional pain from my PTSD but I've healed and accepted my PTSD and what not and I don't use any drugs anymore for emotional issues as I've kinda gotten past that point in my life. But my psych is kind of skeptical of that, so this could be a whole slippery slope issue. And I've OD'd a few times and with these drugs I know the margin of error is really low and an OD can just be a difference of a few pills, seeing as how my psych know about these situations and I know thats going to come up as an issue. Maybe if I suggest getting them dispensed once a day from my drug store so I don't have a large cache of them. I think that would be the best option, getting a barb once a day and just using that for sleep. Like I'm at the end of my rope, if he won't script me something new I know I'm going to get addicted to heroin because the mental and physical severity of this is just so bad I can't function with out it once it gets to the fourth day of being up, like I have trouble balancing, walking and just doing simple tasks.
And I also have a very active puppy to take care of and he's really full of energy and it's fine taking care of him for the first 4 days of the week but once it gets to that 4th day I'm just so out of it and I have so little energy I can't deal with him. I love him so much but I'm just worried he's gonna push my buttons to much and I'll just freak out at the little cutie pie. And I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever got so worked up at him that I took out my anger on him. Like people I don't care if I freak out at but not my puppy he can't help it and wouldn't understand. I'm really fucking scared that I'm just gonna scream at him when he gets all riled up and starts acting up at the wrong time.
I need help, any idea are welcome. Should I see a sleep specialist? I'd rather see my psych cause I've seen him regularly for 7 years and he know my medical history fully and all the previous meds and doses I've been on. And he's given me some pretty obscure meds before so I have a little hope. But he recently said he was gonna be more strict with my benzos because of my slip up with heroin after I became clean and then started dating my new ex gf who got me back into it. Everything is so complicated ugggh fuck and I don't have the energy to deal with all this. Maybe I'll just print off this post and say read this and then can you script me something new lol.
Thanks
