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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Screwed by bad choices and as situation out of my control

Azure Cloud said:
I need to focus on what I an doing right right now and let that be enough. Easier said than done, but that is the plan.
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It's a perfect plan, azure. No apologies necessary to anyone. You are still on the path, still trying, still learning and still moving forward.<3
 
herbavore said:
It's a perfect plan, azure. No apologies necessary to anyone. You are still on the path, still trying, still learning and still moving forward.<3
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<3 thank you Herbavore <3
I think the only thing that could make me feel less human than I do right now would be not trying. The universe has conspired to give me a little time to get my shit together without having parental responsibility for a week, I'd be a fool not to jump at the chance.

I feel horrible and lazy. I know this will work itself out with time but I need to take some action as well. Going to catch a movie and dinner with my dad this afternoon. Nothing requiring great effort but maybe it will be the start of doing something. And even though I don't want to leave the house, it is awful depressing staying indoors for days in end. I think getting out will do me a lot of good.

I got to stop acting paralyzed because I'm an addict (in recovery ). I might not feel great but I am able bodied and I need to be grateful for that.
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
It doesn´t matter where you´ve come from, it´s where you are and where you´re going that matters.%)
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Very true omen. I appreciate your kind words.

Day 6 clean of all drugs except ecig. Not too bad. Worked a good 5 hours today. Considering I'm self employed, this is a positive because I could be a lazy ass and not have worked at all (which in the long run would be a very bad thing as I took off Thursday and Friday last week to nurse my budding recovery).
 
8 days clean, not bad especially as I've had a script ready at the pharmacy for 3 days now. I have no plans to pick it up. I just need to relish the small daily victories and maybe I'll get thru this.
 
Azure
8 days you are doing amazing !!!
You will get through this one day at a time. I'm so proud of you!!
 
You are right about thinking you have it in the bag. Sobriety is day to day and will be from now on. Even though you make mistakes the key is to get back up and "back on the horse" which you have done. Quitting is hard and it sometimes takes a few tries to get it right and that is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you get back up and start back over that is.

I've been following this thread since your first post and just want to say that I think you are doing a fantastic job! There are many people on this forum pulling for you even if they do not post. It may be a good idea to post every day if possible since it will hold you accountable......even if you "fall off the horse" STILL POST, just as you did on 7/18.

Were pulling for you bro!
 
edgewise1 said:
You are right about thinking you have it in the bag. Sobriety is day to day and will be from now on. Even though you make mistakes the key is to get back up and "back on the horse" which you have done. Quitting is hard and it sometimes takes a few tries to get it right and that is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you get back up and start back over that is.

I've been following this thread since your first post and just want to say that I think you are doing a fantastic job! There are many people on this forum pulling for you even if they do not post. It may be a good idea to post every day if possible since it will hold you accountable......even if you "fall off the horse" STILL POST, just as you did on 7/18.

Were pulling for you bro!
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Wow! You humbled me edgewise (in a good way). Thank you so much!
 
Day 9 stimulant free. A little tired but not anxious at all, so this is good.

My son arrives home tonight after a weeks vacation with my mom to her home state of New Mexico. My eldest brother was born in New Mexico and now his ashes have been spread in the dessert foothills of the Oregon Mountains. I'm really happy that my son was able to be a part of that beautiful ceremony (he was pretty close to my eldest brother). I'm even happier that my son will be home again and with my clean time gained in his absence I will not appear to be the lazy slob I was just a week ago (not wanting to get out of bed or off the couch and making every little thing a hassle).

Thank you everybody for your support. The BL community is my support network for the time being.
 
It is getting to be more than I can handle. I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders. My wife has neuropathy so if anything gets done around the house, it is on me. Anyone in this fucking house can make a mess but I'm the only one that can clean, do the dishes,cook, wash clothes, what-the-fuck-ever. I'm also the only one the house able to work, so just fuck me.

My oldest brother shot himself my other brother lives in Japan. If my 74 year old parents need anything, once again it is just me.

No wonder I feel like I can't do it on my own. No wonder why I feel like I still need drugs to just get by. I'm am cracking under pressure. Fuck this shit is hard.
 
Azure
I feel so bad for you ❤️ I know that feeling. Is there any areas that you can simplify for the time being until you are feeling yourself. Maybe your son could do the dishes, tidy little things around the house and help prep dinner. I get my daughter to do these things (even her own laundry) although it's met with resistance some days, it's really important you take as much responsibility off of yourself for right now. Just one day at a time Hun and remember you are only one person can't do it all !!!! Keeping you close in my thoughts. Hang in there ?
 
Sosick said:
Azure
I feel so bad for you ❤️ I know that feeling. Is there any areas that you can simplify for the time being until you are feeling yourself. Maybe your son could do the dishes, tidy little things around the house and help prep dinner. I get my daughter to do these things (even her own laundry) although it's met with resistance some days, it's really important you take as much responsibility off of yourself for right now. Just one day at a time Hun and remember you are only one person can't do it all !!!! Keeping you close in my thoughts. Hang in there ?
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Sosick,
Thank you for replying to my post. I felt like a great brat after that post. I'm an able-bodied person. There are people a lot worse off than I am. If I don't get a handle on my personal issues, one day I will have something real to cry about.

My problem right now is that unexpected bottle of oxy that came home with my son. He was done with it and instead of disposing of it, I got into it. Just 20mg and 2 days later, I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I knew better at the time but at the same time I was amazed at how good I felt. Sadly it felt like home to me. However told my wife what I did and now I have no idea where those pills are.

You are right though, my son needs more responsibility. I certainly did not have enough responsibility as a child and that is something I'm still paying for.
 
Azure
Don't feel disappointed in yourself you have done amazing and still are!!!! I will PM you later when I have a minute. Hugs.
 
Azure, whenever I am trying to change something and I succumb to temptation and repeat my behavior I tell myself I have two choices: feel like a failure and reinforce that view of myself (thus feeding the loop) or tell myself that I have been given further insight into how deep this need is. If you choose the second option you can face it clearly. You can bet yourself up or you can say 'lesson learned' and keep going. One takes you back and one moves you forward. Hang in there.<3
 
herbavore said:
Azure, whenever I am trying to change something and I succumb to temptation and repeat my behavior I tell myself I have two choices: feel like a failure and reinforce that view of myself (thus feeding the loop) or tell myself that I have been given further insight into how deep this need is. If you choose the second option you can face it clearly. You can bet yourself up or you can say 'lesson learned' and keep going. One takes you back and one moves you forward. Hang in there.<3
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Thank you Herbavore.
I know I need to change my thought patterns. I do feel like it's a now or never deal. I'm just getting too old to keep messing with all this unhealthy stuff. But on the other hand, man I feel old. It's like I stopped doing drugs and now I'm old. Or I feel old. I'm 44 and relative to others I'm old, relative to others I'm still young. I feel like so much time had been wasted chasing highs (drugs, women, other selfish endeavors only to please my need of instant gratification).

It is so depressing to consider where I really am at in my life. This is the loop I really got to find a way out of. As long as everything feels meaningless, I'm at risk of relapsing. I don't know how to change my perspective. I hope the oldness I feel dissipates as I gain clean time but I'm so scared this is how I'm going to feel forever, if not worse as I age from here on out. Yes I know diet and exercise will help, but I can't feel it right now so that doesn't seem real.

On a weird note, whenever I take video on my phone there are always orbs everywhere. I had dismissed this because it was only on one phone. However I've got a new phone and the orbs are still in every video I take. It is like they eminate from me or constantly swarm around me. Shit makes me feel crazy. Maybe I need a therapist and a priest/shaman?

16 days clean of amphetamines....yea me! Maybe 5 days clean of opiates..blah...
 
18 days clean of amphetamines, 7 days clean of opiates, almost 1 day clean of nicotine. Yay Me!

Drinking a lot of hot tea - chai, earl grey during the day and peppermint and sleepy time at night. Maybe tea can be my new drug.
 
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