• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Screwed by bad choices and as situation out of my control

Eveleivibe said:
Hahahaha nice to see you can make jokes that just make me smile n gave me a chuckle. Was calling you out lol but you're lil joke has healed all wounds nicely lol
Good luck with it all n I truly mean that. A motor revving up, never thought of that hahahaha.

Evey
Click to expand...
I'm glad we're cool.

Ok guys, lets hug this out.

*HUGS*

...i got hugs enough for everybody!
The one thing you never run out of as they are always returned!
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Yup.

I am a self confessed degenerate junky. It seemed like a good idea at the time...:\
Click to expand...
Man, it was fun...for a little while.

The flat screen tv's I snorted up my nose. The xbox's I smoked. The family vacations I swallowed.....shit doesn't seem so fun suddenly....
 
Meh that stuff is all irrelevant to me personally (that's not to say that it of no value to anyone else). I'm more bothered by the fact that I haven't been the person I would like to have been. I don't even really know who I am to be honest, I've spent the ages 13-26 almost primarily focused on drugs. 13 of the most important years of ones life lost in obsession with drugs.

It's left me alone, distant and stupid. I always felt like there was something missing from me and I tried to fill it with drugs, consequently I've ended up as something of a shell of a person as the real me never had opportunity to develop. I'm lucky to have the good friends I do (although they are not geographically close to me), and I've ended up making myself an extremely difficult person to get close to. To be honest I just think there's something fundamentally wrong with me, I don't know what it is but I can feel it leaking out of me and pushing people away. I came to terms with and accepted not being a likeable person a while ago but it still weighs on me pretty heavily sometimes, would just like to be normal.
 
Man I know how you feel. I spent ages 14 - 22 getting as fucked up as possible. I married and earned a couple of useless master's degrees and then spent the ages of 29-44 getting as fucked up as possible or just fucked up enough to deal with life.

I always felt alone, even in a room full of people, even with my wife and kid. But there is nothing wrong with us. Its, well for me anyways, unrealistic expectations of myself based on a bunch of stupid shit I'm trying to let go of.

Man, I like you Owen. I have no doubt that if we met in real life we'd be fast friends....probably the kind that do a lot of stupid shit feeding of each other's impulsiveness.
 
Azure Cloud said:
I'm glad we're cool.

Ok guys, lets hug this out.

*HUGS*

...i got hugs enough for everybody!
The one thing you never run out of as they are always returned!
Click to expand...

Hahaha I'll hug it out 2moro I'm off to the land of nod now.
Oh I know where you're coming from with feeling alone. I've never felt part of anything in my life. Always felt excluded n alone, still desparately trying to fit in somewhere now.
You take care ok. You're doing ace.

Evey
 
I'm going out-of-town for a week, taking my son on vacation. I feel good and I'm ready for some fun. We haven't had a family vacation for maybe five years. He is 13.5 years old and soon enough family vacations will not appeal to him.

I'm back home for exactly one day and then I fly out-of-town for another week, corporate training for the new job.

Really I am only mentioning this as I don't want omen_owen worried about my lack of activity on BL over the next half month+. You know the surest way to figure someone fell off the wagon is a sudden lack of active posting on the recovery side of BL.

I do appreciate each and every one of my fellow Bluelighters that has been here encouraging me thru my recovery. Hell I appreciate anyone that has bothered reading this thread, commenting or not. I've literally been to hell and back, having you here with me means more to me than I can ever express.

Peace & <3 y'all!
 
Last edited:
Hope you enjoy you holiday? Azure Cloud. Don't worry BL will stay be here. And it's not just lack of posting that can trigger a relapse but lack of activity - you're getting activity with your holiday n your new job :)

All the best,
Evey
 
Eveleivibe said:
Hope you enjoy you holiday? Azure Cloud. Don't worry BL will stay be here. And it's not just lack of posting that can trigger a relapse but lack of activity - you're getting activity with your holiday n your new job :)

All the best,
Evey
Click to expand...

Yeah I'm pretty exited about everything I got going on. I definitely have so much going on that I don't have time to relapse. Exercise and staying busy are two key tools for the recovery process, imo.

what i was diving at is that my soon to be lack of posting could cause people to assume I relapsed. I just don't want my near future lack of posting to give the wrong idea about my sobriety. That would be terrible if my story provides inspiration for even just one person to take the plunge into sobriety/recovery.
 
Azure just remember it's never too late to change your life.

Getting clean and getting some help is a good start. It sounds like you have many layers of grief and problems. You are lucky enough to still have your family in your life. You have kids and a wife to live for.

Don't give up. You cannot leave your children without a father and well if you keep using you in a manner like you have been, you pretty much are. I myself feel pretty bad about not being there for my family. Most my family refuses to have any contact with me and that is OK with me.

I lost alot of things to my habit, but I still have my life, some family, and some true friends. More importantly, I still have my faith and hope. I guess I am saying do not give up on yourself. It is easy to wallow in pity and regret. But for me it is easier to never break my faith. I have found sometimes things happen for a reason and it takes a long time to understand as it is easy to feel forsaken.

Sometimes losing someone close to you will make you realize how fragile life is. I have lost alot of close friends to drug addiction, whether through overdose, disease, losing their minds, incarceration, suicide, or being straight up killed. The law never gave a fuck as to who killed these people. If you are lucky enough to survive all this maybe you are still here for a reason.

I wish you the best of luck mate. All you can do is carry on with your life and take it one day at a time or maybe one minute, one second, whatever it takes. Just remember, being alive is a gift and I hope you can learn to treasure it. No matter how bad things seem they can always get worse. I find each rock bottom is worse than the last.
 
Awesome enjoy your hols with your family! When you're relaxing and enjoying the time with them ask yourself whether you would be enjoying yourself the same if you were putting amphetamine up your nose. I guess the answer will be probably not.:)
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Awesome enjoy your hols with your family! When you're relaxing and enjoying the time with them ask yourself whether you would be enjoying yourself the same if you were putting amphetamine up your nose. I guess the answer will be probably not.:)
Click to expand...

Good advice there, Owen.

Evey
 
Dopemaster and omen, thanks for the advice and well wishes.

I am 100% looking forward to the life ahead of me. I count my lucky stars that I didn't lose more because of my addictions.

The lose of my brother, I've come to terms with it....pretty well; I mean grief still hits me at the damnedest times but I don't fight it.

I am amazed at how far I've come in just a few weeks. It is almost surreal. I just have to remember that complacency could lead me back down the dark road I was on before. I know I'm human and without actively being in recovery, I could relapse. But I'm in a good place now, and for myself and my family, I'm going to fight to stay well.

Thank you so much guys. My whirlwind adventure starts Monday, but there is so much to do before leaving town; so if I fail to respond to anyone here, please don't take it personally.
 
Enjoy your time with your son, azure. Looking forward to hearing about both the vacation and how the job training went when you get back.<3
 
Azure Cloud said:
Dopemaster and omen, thanks for the advice and well wishes.

I am 100% looking forward to the life ahead of me. I count my lucky stars that I didn't lose more because of my addictions.

The lose of my brother, I've come to terms with it....pretty well; I mean grief still hits me at the damnedest times but I don't fight it.

I am amazed at how far I've come in just a few weeks. It is almost surreal. I just have to remember that complacency could lead me back down the dark road I was on before. I know I'm human and without actively being in recovery, I could relapse. But I'm in a good place now, and for myself and my family, I'm going to fight to stay well.

Thank you so much guys. My whirlwind adventure starts Monday, but there is so much to do before leaving town; so if I fail to respond to anyone here, please don't take it personally.
Click to expand...

It's ace to read the positivity in yyour posts. Travel safely and enjoy your time. I hope the training - and the job are a great success.

Evey
 
Thank you herbavore and evey.

I'm so excited about life (the first time in years).

We leave tomorrow. So much to do today. Y'all take care and I'll see you guys on the flip side.
 
I fucked up. I "let" my doctor put my on Vyvanse after getting off Adderall. Then I also began supplementing with opana and oc's when I'd run out early of my Vyvanse script. Began taking the stims and opiates together because it just felt so good. I guess because my earlier quit was so easy, I just hadn't learned my lesson well enough.

I told myself I needed the stims because of the new job. So stupid. I'm in sales but the stims made me so damn nervous that I became worthless selling. You can't want to hide from the world and be successful at sales. Of course in a very short amount of time I'm not taking the drugs to feel good, I'm taking them to not feel like shit.

I dropped the opiates July 4th. I'm 3 days clean of the Vyvanse. I was doing great but now I'm set back almost three months from where I could be if I had just not let myself relapse.

I feel lucky though. The Vyvanse was not nearly as stimulating as I had found Adderall to be in the past, it did mess with my sleep a lot more though due to the extended time the body takes to process the Vyvanse. Coming off opiates probably contributed to my sleep issues as well.

My son left last night to go on a week's vacation with my mom. This is a godsend as I now have a week to recover without my son witnessing my total pathetic lethargy that accompanies a come down.

This is where I'm at. Hopefully I make it through the darkness and find that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm too old to keep doing this.
 
Azure,
You can do this I know you can take this week and do it!! No better time than right now!! Wishing you much love and encouragement
 
I just read thru this entire thread to help me remember where I've been and why I'm doing this. I should of done this earlier, and more often. I'm not completely fucked. I've had three days completely clean, I decided not to work today and I'm hoping by Monday I'll feel noticeably better. I'm tired but not so tired. I mostly lack motivation to do anything without the stims, but I know how to get over this.

I do feel like a loser relapsing after all the great support I've received here. Statistically most of us relapse, so I should not dwell on my bad decision, I need to focus on what I an doing right right now and let that be enough. Easier said than done, but that is the plan.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top